Your "anger" style

[L'Artiste]

i hold it until i snap..alone..which involves loud crying, pitching and breaking things and screaming.. quite terrifying but no one is around to see it

[ciceropolo]

Originally Posted by tvdxer

I've never seen this talked about here, but as it is a topic with major ramifications for all areas of living, I think it's worthy of discussion.

What is your "anger" style? Do you let it all build up until you are finally set off, or are you more "proactive" and moderate in your style of expressing anger?

I am the former. I'm a very non-confrontational, passive person, which makes me vulnerable to abuse and bullying by those who would take advantage of me in virtually any environment except home, where I am willing to express offense but also say I am sorry for any slight that I may have committed (and do expect to be forgiven in return). Outside of home I do not really show my anger until a "boiling" point, which is rarely reached. For example, I usually do not express any impatience at slight faults or behaviors I consider to be undesirable, nor do I at isolated insults or criticism. In fact, I might even laugh at those. I do not really feel anything either. However, if I am repeatedly insulted or criticized, and view the source of these attacks as worthy of indignation, I can blow.

Interesting question. I'll put it in a few different contexts.

As child I recall at early age being picked on a lot do to size (very skinny) in elementary school and throughout most of HS. For most part I didn't fight back as I realized I would not win. I would determine if the antagonist was a real threat or merely getting their kicks just because they could (i.e. push me around) and for most part I would ruin their idea of fun as I realized, they in their sick way enjoyed it more if I struggled / fought back, so I'd let them win or concede, 'Yeah, you're bigger and stronger than me so what? It's obvious to everyone" - so they could get on back to bothering someone else. On one occasion with childhood friends one pushed me too far and I just went off on him - flailing away - he easily subdued me, but he knew my boundary and being a friend it never happened again.

On the other hand, classmates once goaded me to fight once after school with someone i didn't get along with which made me very angry at them since my technique was to generally avoid confrontation and redirect the source or my anger to something else. Well, rather than let the crowd gathered after school get their kicks, I wrapped my nemesis in a wrestling hold that made onlookers to the supposed 'fighting' very bored.

In a family setting we were raised to not show anger - usually when I did in formative years toward a parent I was 'given a task' that redirected my anger to something constructive - for my parents .
My favorite 'no win', was with my mom who in old age sometimes had hearing issues and I always got frustrated at the refrain - after gradually repeating soemthing until I was yelling - having Mom say in her inimitable way, "Honey, don't get angry, a woman doesn't like a man who shouts at her." This would crack me up because the only way she would hear is when I got LOUD and shouted of course! Then the response would be "But it's your tone, dear" haha

As an adult, I rarely let situations build to where I get angry so I will confront people when I feel it's appropriate. This is usually along the line of the 'pick the battle' type scenario. When it's justified in my mind I have no problem venting but I generally will have tried other techniques to get my disagreement across civilly. However on a few occasions for whatever reason when you cannot remove yourself from a situation then the 'anger' needs to vent.

Generally, in my early work years I would vent via displaced aggression after work with sports I found baseball batting cages are great for this - see ball hit ball or chopping wood. If something in the workplace is not under my control and the anger is building up to due to someone or something else I will use same approach: civil approach early, if behavior / situation doesn't change then I get aggressive.

Most frustration on the job I experienced is when dealing with ignorant bully or child like types. You can't rationalize with them. In manufacturing environment I had a guy report to me who was responsible for mixing dye and he got all mad once like a kid throwing the dye powder pack in the air punching a hole in a container (which leaked pellets all over) and making a mess. I simply turned handed him the broom and said, 'you made a mess, clean it up' and left while he's yelling, "No one talks to me that way my parents don't talk to me that way" etc... In that environment I'm not a baby sitter.

Another guy who didn't report to me at that place would constantly try to bully me or intimidate me or simply rattle my cage in this type of scenarios since i really had nothing to do with him I'd ignore him and give him a look of are you for real?

Also had one of these types in a union job I had while in college the guy was a power tripper (union rep) who went around trying to find your 'proverbial button' to push. It must have gnawed at him to no end he couldn't get a rise out of me. So, much of the anger in workplace either response or outlet revolves around the work relationship scenario and the source of anger creation.

Once in job (professional office environment) I had co worker come over and tell me after a particular phone call with internal department, that he'd never heard me talk like that. The thing is, I always go for the cooperative approach first, but on the occasion when I get crossed, I have no qualms about tearing into someone (not with veins in neck popping or shouting, but clear forceful, "you're actions / behavior is unacceptable" and followed by a litany of reasons as too why). The instance I recall was one where my group was engaged for input on a project and then no followup was conducted before said project was implemented a few months later. It F'd things up for my group at the time and I let the project person have it.

Outside of family and work environments I avoid types of environments with a higher propensity of the bully posturing types that look for trouble that may 'create anger'. Although while driving if I am alone in vehicle and the 'distracted driving crowd' is out in full force, I have an ongoing colorful invective going to purge any anger building up

[Perfect Stranger]

Originally Posted by EvilCookie

I tend to be extremely passive-aggressive. I'm a person who hates confrontation - yet I'm not actually particularly tolerant and do get angry and frustrated easily and just keep it inside. With DH, I tend to get cold and withdrawn, sulk, be sarcastic, although I do try to talk things out first but DH tends to shut off conversations he doesn't want to hear, which makes it difficult. Outside the home, I'll give people 'the evil eye', or make a polite yet cold/snide request/comment if someone does something like try to cut in line, being pushy in public transit, etc.

You know David Hasselhoff too?

[Thunderbird13]

I'm very aggressive. Sometimes I keep it inside sometimes I let it out. Any kind of things can suddenly make me angry, and I most likely will not try to remain quiet, I will just put out all my crap on the poor person that has done something wrong. When I'm offended I always say I am.

When I have done something wrong and made another person angry I'll ask sorry and then stop responding to all the insults thrown at me, unless it takes too long. Cause too long quarrels irritate me and then it's me who gets angry and it becomes an endless process. When I'm tired I try to get off the argument with humor or saying "It's over now. Let's just drop this topic".

People around me are accustomed to what I am so we do fine.

[124c41]

I learned in elementary school the basic motivation behind the majority of the bullies that tried to goad me into a fight by not responding to their taunts,and insults. As long as there wasn't anything physical, I was able to turn the conversation enough that I wasn't the focus. Basically, a lot of these guys were insecure, or had other issues that they might be powerless to remedy, and compensated for low self-worth by making someone else look like they were beneath them. It empowered them. I caught on to that very quickly. I even was able as time went by to get to know some of these guys, because we had the same classes together. Not that we became best friends, far from that, but having the same class, with the same problems to overcome seem to level the playing field. My Mother had the gift of talking to people, and explained to me early on, to try to talk my way out of trouble. She said that sometimes, talking to someone eases tension in a situation, and occasionally gives the antagonist a chance to reconsider their options. Buying time was the correct term I found out later. It didn't always go smoothly, but in most cases when I was growing up, it saved me from having my facial features rearranged with great pain. From as far back as I can remember, I was never quick to anger anyway, and even to this day, when trouble arises, I always step back, and talk, or think about the problem before acting. I think, in most cases it pays to assess the situation before acting. Things might not be what they seem.