Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've had people tell me they just choose to be happy. That sounds pretty simplistic to me. Now I realize our attitude has a lot to do with our happiness, I just don't see how it's possible to just ignore or suppress our emotions on a constant level - or if it's even healthy. I've got something of a bipolar thing happening - I've always had a depression issue and my mania often manifests as anxiety. I over think everything. Can I really just ignore all of it and smile? Can anyone?
yes they can, we have freedom of choice...no matter what happens in life, its how we react to it..
like the old saying,,no one can make you angry but yourself....
everyday, while driving,,a prick might cut you off....do you get hyped up,,wanting to shoot him/her,,or do you easily let it go-just part of driving/traffic.
we think in pictures, we dream in pictures,,,,some folks relive bad experiences (in pictures) everyday- makes them angry/depressed....you can easily replace the script or pictures,,,let it go,,
but if you choose to marinate in misery,,thats your choice
I am not sure you can train your mind to actually be happy but I have had some success training mine to not be so sad. Many things I consider extremely bad have happened to me in my life, including but not limited to unbelievable levels of protracted suffering in people I love and care about, culminating in death. I have been through divorce, been widowed, and currently all of my close relationships suffer from some form or other of dysfunction that I can't personally do much about. I am in my mid 50's now and a lot of things I desired are just not going to happen for me at this late date. So I have lots of reason to be sad if I hold on to the original script I wanted to play out.
It is possible to learn to allow life to pass through you and flow around you rather than insisting that you must, at least much of the time, have it proceed according to your plans. This was Chris Dorner's problem. He couldn't let go of his plan to be a big city cop. He had so many options to find satisfying things to do with his life after being fired by the LAPD, even if it was all a frame up as he claimed. He just wouldn't consider them. Worse, he took it on himself to punish society for his own disappointments.
If you allow life to be what it is rather than what you want it to be, you can find a kind of happiness or at least an absence of pointless angst. Many of the things we mourn are things we never really had in the first place. For example you may never have found "the one", Mr or Mrs Right ... you could feel you ruined your life by missing finding them, but the truth is, there is no one on this planet with your name on them. There are just people you would be more or less compatible with, and there is just your skill (or lack thereof) at ferreting them out; and even if you lack for said skill, nothing prevents you from being happy alone except the idea that it's somehow intolerable to not be part of a pair-bond (or to have children, or to be handsome or "successful" or whatever).
Then there is the human tendency to exaggerate benefits of things you don't have, and minimize pitfalls. Learning not to do that leaves you with less emotional range but a lot less disappointment and frustration. Everything's a trade-off.
I think we can learn not to dwell on things for as long, or at least put them on the back burner. It's taken me a long time to be able to this....My husband is a good role model for me in this area.
And I think it's important to be grateful for what we do have, not what we don't have...My sister is wealthy, but her son has a mental health issue. I am not wealthy, but my kids are healthy. She'd trade it all to be in my shoes.
I've understood two things about happiness. And this is from my formal studies in philosophy and psychology.
One happiness requires that we are both happy about what we are doing while we are doing it and that we will like it when we look back on it later. So the current event has to make us happy in the present and future.
The other is in order to be happy you need to obtain what you want. You can change what you want... But you need to change it to something you know you can obtain. So it is important to make sure you are wanting something you can actually obtain. For most people this is the problem, they don't figure out that they want things they can not obtain (at least all at once etc).
So just "being happy" will not suffice. It will require an inbalance / unsettled state within yourself that you will by nature try to balance. Aka you can't just "be happy" without being crazy. You gotta change your wants to things you can obtain and want / get / have things that make you happy now and in the future (looking back).
You can change what you want... But you need to change it to something you know you can obtain. So it is important to make sure you are wanting something you can actually obtain. For most people this is the problem, they don't figure out that they want things they can not obtain (at least all at once etc).
The problem is that some things that are Unobtanium are also perfectly reasonable and sensible and you see that many other people have these things, often with less effort or caring or skill than you've invested to have those same things.
The hardest truth for me has been that the relationship between effort and results is flaky and tenuous at best. I have observed life for too long to think otherwise. I've seen terrible parenting result in children who are paragons of virtue, and I've seen wonderful parenting result in children who are self-absorbed ... well, I can't use any word that wouldn't be redacted and earn me a reprimand from the moderators here.
I've seen wonderful, sensitive, caring, loving people used, abused, and left in penury, and I've seen venal, boorish, and downright evil people prosper. I've always treated people like I expect to be treated, but too often, am just left with my expectations, which I am eventually, in the interest of sanity, forced to let go of anyway.
So all of this begs the question, what, exactly can be reliably obtained, so that you're allowed to actually want it? Am I to want nothing but death and taxes?
I suspect that you just have to let life be as it is and convince yourself that is has some "suchness" to it such that whatever happens is fine. To do this without becoming completely dispassionate, the focus is on being empathetic and caring about others, without expectations. In my old age I'm finally figuring out that you just have to do the Right Thing without caring whether you succeed or get credit. I am on track to die alone and be quickly forgotten, but I will die knowing I've always been true to the light I had at any given time. That is really all anyone can do.
I've had people tell me they just choose to be happy. That sounds pretty simplistic to me. Now I realize our attitude has a lot to do with our happiness, I just don't see how it's possible to just ignore or suppress our emotions on a constant level - or if it's even healthy. I've got something of a bipolar thing happening - I've always had a depression issue and my mania often manifests as anxiety. I over think everything. Can I really just ignore all of it and smile? Can anyone?
No, you can't just "choose" to be happy--but you can learn the things that make people happier (helping others, playing with a pet) and do more of those things. That will make your day happier than it would have been otherwise.
People who tell you that you "can choose" to be happy, already are happy (or taking some happy Rx). Some people have a high happiness "set point" and some of us don't. I have noticed that often people who have lucky ("charmed") lives tend to have high happiness set points, but when bad things happen to them, they still keep their optimism.
To be happier, study what makes people happy (lots of good articles on this), and do those things more often. But in general, we are born with happiness "set points," and we tend to stay at that level of happiness whether things are very good, or very bad in our lives.
People who tell you that you "can choose" to be happy, already are happy (or taking some happy Rx). Some people have a high happiness "set point" and some of us don't. I have noticed that often people who have lucky ("charmed") lives tend to have high happiness set points, but when bad things happen to them, they still keep their optimism.
To be happier, study what makes people happy (lots of good articles on this), and do those things more often. But in general, we are born with happiness "set points," and we tend to stay at that level of happiness whether things are very good, or very bad in our lives.
This is sound science. It is based on good research.
It is not so much that people stay at their set points as that they return to them. Depending on their emotional range they may go way above or below the set point, but the set point is the default. The canonical example is this: consider two people. On the same day one wins a hundred million dollars in the lottery, and the other is told they have two years to live, due to a fatal cancer diagnosis.
One year later, the research says, both people will be approximately as (un)happy as they were before they received the news about their respective good or bad fortunes.
This is not to say that we can't change the set point, but my guess is that it's the hard work of many years to move it very far, particularly if you are unhappy more because of unfortunate brain chemistry than because of faulty thinking. Still, I think anyone can move it up a few percentage points, and that goes straight to the bottom line.
So all of this begs the question, what, exactly can be reliably obtained, so that you're allowed to actually want it? Am I to want nothing but death and taxes?
Hilarious. I guess it isn't a race to the bottom but instead a race to the top. We are always trying to add more into our lives. But when we do so we need to make sure these things we want to add in are reasonable, and keep track to make sure previous things we've added to the list are still reasonable.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
