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I'm not sure if this is suitable in this forum, or better in relationships.
How do you cope with envy, particularly over other people's relationships? I'm one of those people who always wants what I can't have. No matter what I do, I just can't come to terms with admitting certain things I want (relationships, careers, etc. ) are just never going to happen.
I'm currently dealing with conflicting feelings about a straight, married friend (I'm not straight for the record). He's a big big flirt, especially with his gay friends, but he loves women and he talks about sexuality a lot. And I can't stop picturing him with women/his wife. My envy/jealousy gets extreme and it causes a lot of depression. I try to block it out, but I get upset knowing these women get his attention/get to be intimate with him and ill never know what that's like. I have such a psychological block over this and it drives me nuts. It keeps happening to me with anyone I crush on, but can't have. How do I stop envying these people he's with/has been with?
I had a friend who suffered this as well. No matter what I did to try to help, it never worked.
My advice - take it with a grain of salt as I am not a professional..
Ask yourself why you can't have that?
it seems you are putting a "fantasy" on to a reality situation. Every time you crush on someone, your fantasy is getting in your way. (My thoughts and opinion).
you are your own person and will develop your own relationships. Instead of envying and being jealous, try to see what works for these people and then see if you can develop that in yourself.
you will have your OWN relationship - you can never have their relationship. Enjoy your OWN person.
Do some inner soul searching and ask yourself why?
Why are you jealous? (there is no because answer)
Why do you feel you can't have "that" (there is no because answer)
Once you can answer the "whys" you can develop an action plan .. Just my thoughts and opinions
It is a GOOD thing for some people to say no - turn you down. Then you will always have that fantasy!
Think about those who have said yes. Is there any fantasy there? No. No more "mystery" left!
It would be a quite boring life if everyone you wanted said yes. There would not be any excitement left.
As for myself, I've been disappointed by getting those I REALLY wanted. Turned out to be something less that what I had built it up to be. But for all those who have said no, they have provided me with years of fun and excitement - just imagining what it might be like.
It is frustrating, but fun to think about in the long run!
P.S. Visit the relationships forum here and read what the women have to say about their men. When guys talk to other guys, they are "the best" when it comes to bed time. The women have a different story to tell!
I'm not sure if this is suitable in this forum, or better in relationships.
How do you cope with envy, particularly over other people's relationships? I'm one of those people who always wants what I can't have. No matter what I do, I just can't come to terms with admitting certain things I want (relationships, careers, etc. ) are just never going to happen.
I'm currently dealing with conflicting feelings about a straight, married friend (I'm not straight for the record). He's a big big flirt, especially with his gay friends, but he loves women and he talks about sexuality a lot. And I can't stop picturing him with women/his wife. My envy/jealousy gets extreme and it causes a lot of depression. I try to block it out, but I get upset knowing these women get his attention/get to be intimate with him and ill never know what that's like. I have such a psychological block over this and it drives me nuts. It keeps happening to me with anyone I crush on, but can't have. How do I stop envying these people he's with/has been with?
First, you're not jealous, only envious; envy is "I want what you have", while jealousy is "You're trying to take what I have". And based on what you wrote, you don't have an intimate relationship with him that these women can take away.
Second, if you keep getting crushes like this, are you maybe trying to protect yourself from putting yourself out there and finding a real relationship? Unavailable people are safe. You won't get hurt by them in a relationship, because there can't be a relationship.
Third, if you "always want what you can't have", why do you think you are ignoring and failing to appreciate what you do have?
It is a GOOD thing for some people to say no - turn you down. Then you will always have that fantasy!
Think about those who have said yes. Is there any fantasy there? No. No more "mystery" left!
It would be a quite boring life if everyone you wanted said yes. There would not be any excitement left.
As for myself, I've been disappointed by getting those I REALLY wanted. Turned out to be something less that what I had built it up to be. But for all those who have said no, they have provided me with years of fun and excitement - just imagining what it might be like.
It is frustrating, but fun to think about in the long run!
P.S. Visit the relationships forum here and read what the women have to say about their men. When guys talk to other guys, they are "the best" when it comes to bed time. The women have a different story to tell!
Well, fantasies can be fun sometimes, but not when the impossibility of any aspect of it being possible makes it more painful than enjoyable. I understand the disappointed aspect of getting what you want though. Many often say we build up these fantasies to the point that actually getting them is a let down compared to what we imagined. I'd still rather take that chance. I'd rather be disappointed about something I've built up that wasn't what I thought it'd be, then never know what it's like at all. The latter at least leaves a chance to be surprised.
First, you're not jealous, only envious; envy is "I want what you have", while jealousy is "You're trying to take what I have". And based on what you wrote, you don't have an intimate relationship with him that these women can take away.
True. I guess I view the jealousy aspect based on the fact that I used to get affection from him (hugs, kisses, told me he loves me etc.) but don't anymore. I never took those signs as being more than platonic, but it was nice to get some affection. I don't get any from anyone else.
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Second, if you keep getting crushes like this, are you maybe trying to protect yourself from putting yourself out there and finding a real relationship? Unavailable people are safe. You won't get hurt by them in a relationship, because there can't be a relationship.
I'm sure that's part of it. I don't develop feelings for too many people; it's rare and I have a lot of psychological hang ups/intimacy issues that make getting close to most people very hard for me. The fact that I am able to get close to these unavailable crushes though makes me upset that I can't have it. It's more like, "Hey, I can actually get close to this person and feel comfortable around them. But they'll never feel the way I do or let me be as close as I want ."
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Third, if you "always want what you can't have", why do you think you are ignoring and failing to appreciate what you do have?
I don't perceive myself as having much. At least not the things that gives life meaning.
Well, fantasies can be fun sometimes, but not when the impossibility of any aspect of it being possible makes it more painful than enjoyable.
Well some men do not cheat on their wives/girlfriends period! (With anyone.) There is the possibility of something happening down the road when he breaks up with his wife (relationships last about 5 years with many young people I know).
You probably know that many other men do cheat.
Some men have what they think is a too small "tool" and would be embarrassed to show it to any of their male friends. Others have sexual problems or a low sex drive and prefer to keep that a secret as well.
Also some men change with age. Some are more open to trying new things when older.
So not necessarily impossible. Time will tell! Anyway put that guy on the "backburner" for now, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
I'm not sure if this is suitable in this forum, or better in relationships.
How do you cope with envy, particularly over other people's relationships? I'm one of those people who always wants what I can't have. No matter what I do, I just can't come to terms with admitting certain things I want (relationships, careers, etc. ) are just never going to happen.
I'm currently dealing with conflicting feelings about a straight, married friend (I'm not straight for the record). He's a big big flirt, especially with his gay friends, but he loves women and he talks about sexuality a lot. And I can't stop picturing him with women/his wife. My envy/jealousy gets extreme and it causes a lot of depression. I try to block it out, but I get upset knowing these women get his attention/get to be intimate with him and ill never know what that's like. I have such a psychological block over this and it drives me nuts. It keeps happening to me with anyone I crush on, but can't have. How do I stop envying these people he's with/has been with?
What works for me may not work for you. I deal with it in a few ways. Firstly I am always appreciative for what I do have. It goes a long way in driving away any envious feelings which may arise from time to time. I believe having a good perspective can help others deal with such feelings, for example at the moment I am not cold and wet and dying of thirst or hunger; I can elaborate, but I suppose you get the idea.
Secondly, I do not know if you are religious or spiritual, but it helps me a lot during times when I want what I do not have in thinking that it is not what God has planned for me.
I suppose I may have it easier in a way, in what seems to me such vastly materialistic times in that I largely do not yearn for such things. My envy mostly lies with those who have faith which is strong and unwavering; there also is the part of me which yearns for a full and happy family life, but this it seems very improbable I will ever have. The thing I yearn for mostly though is an impossibility, and it is because of this that the world seems for the most part empty and undesirable to me.
By obsessing over what you can't have, you're avoiding having to do the work of finding someone compatible, then building and maintaining a real relationship. It appears to me that a part of you at least, may not be ready for the real thing. I don't know your age but if you're under 25, you may still be in the process of "finding yourself" and not quite ready for a mature, lasting relationship.
By obsessing over what you can't have, you're avoiding having to do the work of finding someone compatible, then building and maintaining a real relationship. It appears to me that a part of you at least, may not be ready for the real thing. I don't know your age but if you're under 25, you may still be in the process of "finding yourself" and not quite ready for a mature, lasting relationship.
Unfortunately, I'm 29 although I do have a hard time getting close to most people. I guess it's also that starting out as friends, I've developed feelings and a bond for these people which allowed me to feel like I could get close to them. But now that I feel that way, I'll never be able to. Hence why I envy those who can.
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.. Just my thoughts and opinions
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