Public persona vs. private persona-- ever know a "Two Face"? (introvert, sociopath)
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My mother was exactly what the OP described. She was a nightmare to all of us (5 kids) but the teachers at school and other parents thought she was the "mother of the year" She treated my dad the same way as she treated us. The emotional abuse was out of control.
It got to a point that when people would say "your mother is so nice or your mother is the best" we would respond with "you haven't met my mother"
The only good thing I got out of it is that I can spot a fake a mile away.
The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone.
To me, two-faceness only applies when a person acts one way in front of you, then talks junk about you behind your back and tries to turn everyone you know against you. Two-faced people are FAKE!! However, (in my option at least) sweeping family secrets under the rug because of the good ol' 'what will people think' mentality does not make said people two-faced, nor does acting a certain way at work. Because by default (thanks to our society), we are told to act 'professional' at work, in order to keep whatever job we are at. And there are some jobs which require said professionalism, maturity, etc. and there are other jobs that are more lenient , especially if you are an entrepreneur.
Well, many outsiders would accept being called "weak sissies" or "old and fat" or accept being treated "like something he wiped off of his shoe"? That's the difference.
What's astonishing me is this siblings and his wife would accept/enable that behavior !
I've noticed that some people in this world will only treat courteously those who won't allow themselves to be like a piece of ****. They need to respect someone (or know that being rude will not get them something they want) before they behave decently.
I'm confused by your use of the phrase "loved ones." How can there be real love without respect? Heck even an ordinary friendship requires mutual respect.
What do you mean? The difference between family members and ordinary friends and the reason why ordinary friends command mutual respect is because most people can walk out on a friend, but they can't walk out of family. You can't walk away from a disrespectful family member. A mother can walk away form a disrespectful husband (divorce), but can a daughter can't walk away from a disrespectful father? Is there daughter-father divorce? No, there isn't. Or a a brother or sister that keeps behaving ridiculous could be put up with by family, because you can't usually destroy a family bond, and the brother/sister that is misbehaving knows it. There's a permanence to family that can make abuse unique. A child is in a unique position where they can't just question an authority of a parent, because they depend on that parent or that parent can provide them with benefits, like a house or opportunity.
I have known many people throughout my life who are COMPLETELY different when dealing with strangers or "friends" than when dealing with partners/kids/family. The disparity can be very shocking. Most of the time when I have seen it, the "Two Face" is extremely pleasant and acquiescent to strangers and can be a real ass to those who they profess to love, especially their own flesh and blood. I suppose that the opposite could certainly be true as well; I just haven't experienced it.
So what are some of the reasons behind this dichotomy, psychologically speaking? And what are some good strategies to use when you discover a Two Face in your midst?
Yeh....it's just like you say....the $!!t gets kept for the family and so called loved ones....but the strangers get all the good.
I wish I knew the reasons...I've wondered about that many times....
It seems to me it's about controlling the loved ones ,and the lies to the public are to keep the abuse and cruelty a secret...to make people believe that this person is a really nice person and could never be mean...a sly and deceptive way to put the blame on the victims..like it must be THEIR problem, or something THEY are doing wrong.
Quite common with public figures like politicians, movie stars, CEO's making a public presentation, etc.
At one point in time in my career I made numerous public presentations, testified during legislative hearings appeared a number of times on television and had quite a number of radio and print media interviews and was quoted quite often as a result of the latter. Each time I went into character. Being somewhat shy it kept me away from stage fright and was comfortable for me. I guess you could call that "two-faced" if you're a mind to.
There's a very blurry line between being two-faced and being "socially appropriate" to the situation.
It is navigating where this line actually is (which is very inconsistent) that makes people feel exhausted in many social encounters.
Also, the higher risk social situations that have greater consequences (i.e. bad repercussions at work, dealing with certain volatile family members, etc.) are even more stressful and exhausting to encounter.
Because you are afraid of what certain people think of you. Be outgoing, loud, and goofy in front of your good friends, but would you be this way in front of your new boss?
As for being so different with your family vs. friends/acquaintances, you can be an arse in front of family and get away with it (they'll still love you and treat you nicely), but be an arse in front of your friends, and you won't have any friends left.
Sometimes it's a cultural thing. In some cultures, it's uncomfortable to be emotional at home, so your parents never said, "I love you, thank you, or sorry" to you, and so you never say it to them, not even if you're an adult. But you sure will say it to non-family members. Why? Because if you are rude to your friends, you won't have any friends left.
Because you care a lot more about what your friends/acquaintances/strangers think of you. You can dress like a slob at home in front of your parents, but would you dress like a slob to meet your friends?
Having said all that, there are really polite people who treat EVERYONE in their lives the same way - very polite, very respectful, very courteous. But those are rare people though.
Edited: I believe most of us are two-faced. The worst is knowing if someone dislikes you and you witness them being friendly and nice to everyone, but mean, rude, and spiteful to you. Hurts like a mofo.
Very well true. However, those that treat everyone enemies or friends same nice depositions are still two faced. You never know its their face to the world and underneath is something else only to themselves.
I know someone like this and he is an abusive, narcisstic, insecure ass. His family are enablers and all he cares about is his public perception. I do not understand it at all -either from his viewpoint, or those who enable him.
Which is why some people, such as myself don't enable it. Sometimes it takes the consequences of letting them stew in their own misery alone. Til this day I have continued to distance myself from that person.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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So I was in this seminar once. It opened with the presenter handing us little booklets, said go ahead and put your name inside the booklet in case you get yours mixed up with someone elses. Then she did a couple more things, and then handed out placards and said write your name on this placard. It will be placed in front of you to identify you later in a panel discussion.
Then. She had us look at the name we had written in our booklet, that probably wouldn't be seen by anyone else, and how we had written our name that would represent us publicly. She said the booklet name is our true personality, the placard name is how you want to be perceived by the world.
With some participants, the writing was completely different. They have different public personas than private ones. In some participants, the name was written virtually identically. And they were the ones who didn't have split behaviors.
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