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Is it something all humans need to have in large quantities? Or do some people need it a lot more than others? I ask because I live a very reclusive lifestyle. I can often go weeks without having a conversation that doesn't involve work or something necessary. As far as I can remember, I've always been this way. I've always found talking with others to be a burden and felt like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders once the conversation is over. I've also always had trouble connecting/relating with other people, which could possibly explain why I've never had a single person I could call a friend (lots of acquaintances, but no friends).
At this point of my life, I can at least say I'm content and happy for the most part. I have a great career, hobbies that I enjoy on my free time, and as far as I know I'm in great health and shape. Despite all of that, my extended family thinks it's all an outward act I'm putting on for people and behind closed doors they believe I'm depressed and suicidal. I had a discussion with my mother not too long ago about this, and her essentially suggesting I get help and that the life I'm living is completely unnatural, and that most men my age are already married and have children. She's already accepted I'm never getting married, but she still strongly disapproves of my life and tells me I should have at least 1-2 close friends. The last time I saw an expert was about 6 years ago, when I was 22 and arguably a lot more anxious and less content with my life and they came to the conclusion that I was mentally healthy and nothing was wrong with me.
Given all of that, do you think it's possible for some humans (not all or even most, of course) to be perfectly happy living their life with very little social interactions and getting it mostly from work? Perhaps this is just a defense mechanism to a world that has, for the most part, rejected and shunned me throughout my life? Maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm truly happy and content?
Is it something all humans need to have in large quantities? Or do some people need it a lot more than others? I ask because I live a very reclusive lifestyle. I can often go weeks without having a conversation that doesn't involve work or something necessary. As far as I can remember, I've always been this way. I've always found talking with others to be a burden and felt like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders once the conversation is over. I've also always had trouble connecting/relating with other people, which could possibly explain why I've never had a single person I could call a friend (lots of acquaintances, but no friends).
At this point of my life, I can at least say I'm content and happy for the most part. I have a great career, hobbies that I enjoy on my free time, and as far as I know I'm in great health and shape. Despite all of that, my extended family thinks it's all an outward act I'm putting on for people and behind closed doors they believe I'm depressed and suicidal. I had a discussion with my mother not too long ago about this, and her essentially suggesting I get help and that the life I'm living is completely unnatural, and that most men my age are already married and have children. She's already accepted I'm never getting married, but she still strongly disapproves of my life and tells me I should have at least 1-2 close friends. The last time I saw an expert was about 6 years ago, when I was 22 and arguably a lot more anxious and less content with my life and they came to the conclusion that I was mentally healthy and nothing was wrong with me.
Given all of that, do you think it's possible for some humans (not all or even most, of course) to be perfectly happy living their life with very little social interactions and getting it mostly from work? Perhaps this is just a defense mechanism to a world that has, for the most part, rejected and shunned me throughout my life? Maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm truly happy and content?
If you were really content and happy, you would not be asking all these questions to online strangers. You seem very uncomfortable with your lifestyle, actually, based on your posts.
If you were really content and happy, you would not be asking all these questions to online strangers. You seem very uncomfortable with your lifestyle, actually, based on your posts.
I am in agreement with this reply.
Biggest problem for anyone is to think they should be living their life according to how others live their lives.
I have a few friends and couldn't be more content. However, years ago a so-called friend chastised me for not be a social-addict like her; finally after hearing it one too many times, I tactfully told her that I don't criticize her lifestyle, and I would appreciate the same respect from her regarding my lifestyle.
I did think about it though and asked myself if I was a nutcase because I wasn't as sociable as others. And then you hear on the media about a shooter being a 'loner', and how it's no wonder he shot up people - as though all loners are psychos ready to blow away humanity.
Once I accepted the fact that I am who I am, and that we're all unique, I became very content and no longer give a second thought as to what others may, or may not, think about me and/or my lifestyle.
If you were really content and happy, you would not be asking all these questions to online strangers. You seem very uncomfortable with your lifestyle, actually, based on your posts.
Oh, I don't know. Sounds to me like he'd be perfectly content if people would just allow him to be and not try to make him into something he's not.
I am assuming his anxiety / angst issues are behind him and that they were normal 22-year-old hand-wringing. If not, then that may be a separate issue.
75% of the population, more or less, is extroverted and this puts pressure on the introverts to conform.
If you are truly, honestly content by yourself then you might be just a very mellow and centered introvert or you might be a schizoid personality or any number of abnormal things.
Mom & family might have genuine and possibly even justified concerns, or they might be misguided and/or controlling. Not enough data to tell.
I don't think Mom is wrong to suggest that a healthy person generally has at least 1 or 2 reasonably "best buds". Even with the Internet, complete isolation is almost never a Good Thing, particularly in that there's no one there for you in a pinch. Then again, I have no friends myself because I've been in my present location less than a year and very busy, but I do have my wife and stepson and, shortly, my son, and a subcontractor who would probably do me a favor if I needed it done. Beyond that if I follow my usual pattern I'll eventually have 1 or 2 friends who are close enough to do something with occasionally and trade the occasional favor, and if I didn't have family I'd have at least a little something to fall back on. I am starting to attend a handful of local meetups to build up my rolodex of business contacts and acquaintances.
This is a common pattern for an introvert. We are not social butterflies and the psychic exhaustion of trying to be one is of no benefit given that our energy comes from within, not from others. This is not pathological. The OP sounds like he is gainfully and consistently employed, has leisure time activities which, though solitary, he enjoys. We may not be getting the whole story but from what I can see, there is no problem other than that he may be underestimating the long-term value of cultivating one or two casual friendships. He's posting because his family is hassling him.
As for not marrying, no one has a duty in modern society to prop up birth rates, we have plenty of people. If I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I would have remained single. I admire people who can figure that out early enough in life to save themselves the trouble.
It depends on whether someone is an extrovert or introvert I suppose. Introverts need less human interaction and more alone-time while it's more of the opposite with extroverts. Then again for all sides, positive interaction is much better than negative interaction.
Personally I don't see anything wrong with the op. He appears happy with his own choices. He is productive. He has hobbies and if his family would quit pestering him wouldn't be questioning things. As a very strong introvert, I know how conventional thought works. I was getting assisted housing a few years ago at this apartment. As I am disabled I had a case worker. She kept pestering me to 'go out' and 'socialize'. Sorry, but having to listen to boring people talking about stuff I'm not interested in isn't socializing. I'd take the bus to the mall, wander around, go to the craft store and check everything out, and have dinner and come home. Now that was a fun day.
They finally gave up and decided I didn't need a worker and I celebrated. Some of us are built to be social and out there and do small talk. Some of us hate small talk, think the dog and cats are better company, and would rather do the mall on their own than 'chat'. We have other needs. We aren't bored or lonely.
The OP needs to tell his family he's fine, and to lay off. They won't but eventually they'll get that he isn't going to do it and quit. Above all he needs to cease feeling guilty over not being as they expect. We're all unique and its a *good* thing.
It depends on whether someone is an extrovert or introvert I suppose. Introverts need less human interaction and more alone-time while it's more of the opposite with extroverts. Then again for all sides, positive interaction is much better than negative interaction.
I am of the opinion that most people are neither extroverted nor introverted, but rather, a combination of the two. Someone coined the term "ambovert" where, at times, an individual can show extroversion and at other times they can certainly be introverted. We all have our moments in each, don't we? Perhaps it depends on genetic makeup combined with environment, diet, exercise (or lack thereof), family upbringing, education levels, and life events, but I feel our "comfort zones" are developed over time based on many factors. For me, at work, I'm fairly extroverted. I'm assertive, I show confidence and at times I am outspoken. However, at home or socially, I am more introverted and let my husband be the extrovert (especially in social situations).
I believe Astute reached out to forum members simply because this is, in fact, part of his comfort zone and he felt good enough to post this topic to people (strangers as we may be) here, where he's possibly more "active" than elsewhere.
My advice, Astute is that if you want to see the world from a different point of view, you may want to consider "getting out" a bit more often than you currently do. You may want to take little steps towards this goal at first, but if you can get out, you could answer some of the questions you asked here, yourself. Personally, I know a handful of people who are, for all intents and purposes, recluse. I doesn't necessarily make them bad. However, it can prove to be "limiting" in every sense of the word...
Given all of that, do you think it's possible for some humans (not all or even most, of course) to be perfectly happy living their life with very little social interactions and getting it mostly from work? Perhaps this is just a defense mechanism to a world that has, for the most part, rejected and shunned me throughout my life? Maybe I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm truly happy and content?
I don't know about 'perfectly happy', but from experience yes it's possible to be happier than most while having very little social interactions, for some people. (I say from experience)
It's difficult for a lot of people to understand though. Which can be part of what leaves one a loner... you like being alone, and people don't relate to it, which makes you even more alone than you otherwise would like sometimes!
But I opened this thread because I wanted to say that even some people who are 'loners', I think it's natural part of almost everyone's psychology to get a psychological benefit from being around people. So please everyone keep this in mind in the decisions that you make. Try to keep the level of freedom from people that you want, but also try to be open to human interactions that might make you smile here and there. My happiest times involved a lot of freedom, considering myself a 'loner', yet having a significant amount of random social interactions. A person who works full time, depending on their job, may be able to get enough if not too much social interaction from their job, in my opinion... at least if they had my personality type. I consider myself much more of a loner than most people, but one of my happiest times involved a relative lack of time spent on my solitary passions, and a relatively large amount of time interacting with friends and family. It depends on the circumstances. That stifled feeling can come easy for some and is best to be avoided.
Astute, I think feelings like those of your mother aren't uncommon... part of it is past cultures... life is more open to living alternative ways now... those from past generations may think something must be wrong with you, but others get it.
(I'm drunk and hope this all makes sense. I relate with your feelings Astute)
This is a common pattern for an introvert. We are not social butterflies and the psychic exhaustion of trying to be one is of no benefit given that our energy comes from within, not from others. This is not pathological. The OP sounds like he is gainfully and consistently employed, has leisure time activities which, though solitary, he enjoys. We may not be getting the whole story but from what I can see, there is no problem other than that he may be underestimating the long-term value of cultivating one or two casual friendships. He's posting because his family is hassling him.
It's not that I'm just an introvert, I truly lack the ability to connect with people beyond very extremely superficial interactions. It's always been like this even when I was a young child. Introverts may not be social butterflies, but most at least have one or two friends they could rely on. Compound that with some studies I've read that show living a life without friends is equivalent to living a life with all these health risks and could potentially take years off of my life. At this point in my life, I just simply can't comprehend the notion of friends or a social life, neither of which I've had at any point in my life. I'm not socially awkward either, but people in the past have described me as "too serious" in general. Personally, I take that as a compliment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant
He's posting because his family is hassling him.
This. If they accepted my lifestyle and left me alone to my own devices, this thread wouldn't exist in the first place.
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