i'm blank- i can't find my emotions (psychologist, counselor, depressed)

[raven_claw]

Part of me is hiding away my emotions, from other people and me. and whenever I try to reach them everything goes blank and I start crying (and I’m definitely not crying because I’m sad). it’s not just ordinary feelings and stuff it’s more deep stuff that part of me won’t let go of. and also I really hate reading something I’ve written, and the more time it’s been since I’ve written it the more I hate reading it afterwards. It’s been interfering with school because they make us do some assignments that would force me to reveal some of the deeper emotions (like creative writing especially). Reciting stuff in my head (ie, the periodic table or poetry I memorized) helps temporarily but it pretty much just distracts from the problem and then it comes back later. I’ve talked to 3 psychologists about it (but it's hard to talk because that part of me doesn’t want to let go of what I want to say). Also the school did a lot of testing but they didn’t come up with anything except that I’m not as good at verbal problems or ones that have you explain your opinion.
I don’t have any idea what could have caused this problem. Please help.

[winterbird]

From what you've written, it doesn't sound like you're too far off base. Just remember there's nothing new under the sun. What you're burying (refusing) to talk about is nothing new. Others have experienced it. It just feels as if you're alone with it. Get it out in the open and release its hold on you.

You'll go much further faster if you do.

eta: And forget about all that testing. There may be nothing wrong with you other than the need to resolve a bad experience or two. There are no tests for that.

[raven_claw]

But there are no bad experiences to resolve. Nothing at all.

And I don't know how to let go of things.
Whenever I try it just goes blank and I can't feel or think anything at all. I need something more specific than "release its hold on you". It hasn't been working.

[jtur88]

You say it was unproductive to talk to psychologists, because you don't know how to explain your feelings to them. Try this. Rent a bunch of movies and spend a few night watching them. Make notes of what kinds of scenes make you cry, and then tell your shrink. That will be a very good clue.

[raven_claw]

I can feel emotions "for" others exactly the way other people do. I laugh and cry at all the same times in movies. In fact I laugh more than other people do. My brother says I laugh like a newborn hyena. It's uncannily accurate.

All the ordinary, momentary feelings are there. I just don't know what my emotions are, inside. It's all blank. :|

[winterbird]

No bad experiences? No fears? You're not angry or upset with someone or something? What makes you happy? What are you thinking about when you're crying? What's the worst thing that's happened to you? What's the best? Start asking some questions.

Perhaps there is nothing wrong at all. Most people aren't exuberantly happy or severly depressed. We're usually just feeling "eh, ok" as we go about out day.

[raven_claw]

But winterbird, this is interfering with school. I'm expected to do assignments for school and some of them require me to let go of things inside. Which I cannot let go of because I cannot find inside myself.

And also, it's not just that other people can't see what's inside. It's me too. That's what everyone seems to miss.

[cdnirene]

Don't take any more creative writing courses. Problem solved.

[raven_claw]

Not taking creative writing. I'm in junior high. It's mandatory.

[winterbird]

Well if you're in Jr. High, some of the feeling/non-feeling issues may be due to hormonal fluctuations, diet, exercise/lack thereof. It may just be a form of growing pains. It will level out. If you think you are in any danger personally or have a desire to endanger others, seek help from your parents, teachers/counselors or some other authority figure asap.

You'll be fine. Best wishes.