SIck of people who I am "right there" for who do not return the favor
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This reminds me of my sister...we used to talk on the phone for hours at times. She went through a rough patch with her significant other, and would call me crying and I would give words of comfort. Then, I went through a rough patch with my SO, and I was told "I'm sorry, I don't have time." I completely stopped calling her. I didn't initiate conversation with her unless we were at a family function...and you know what? She never even noticed.
Then she calls me one day to complain about a friend...whining about how this friend only calls her to complain, but never can take the time to listen to her problems. I told her I know the feeling...
I'd imagine other people have this problem. What is the solution, I know stop being there for them. Find someone else to be friends and family with. Has anyone tried this? Why is it so hard to count on people when you are always there for them? I don't think anyone should be taken for granted in any sort of relationship and I will not tolerate it from anyone. You get as good as you give. This is why so many people are loners and like animals better than people. Strangers on the internet are often kinder than the people you do things for in real life. Ok, done with rant. Comments please . . .
Ask yourself what you are getting out of these situations. There is some kind of payoff to doing this (usually emotional in nature). If there wasn't you wouldn't keep doing it. As a few other posters said, I think you are doing things with the wrong motivation. Even though you say you're not, it sounds to me like you are still giving with strings attached. If you weren't, you wouldn't be mad.
This short video on the 4 types of love is worth watching:
You have to take a long, hard look at the people you're expecting reciprocity from. My guess is that they are self-centered and therefore emotionally stunted people who don't have a positive relationship with themselves to begin with. A person can only give to others what they are giving to themselves first - and there are many, many people who have absolutely nothing to give because they are empty to begin with.
My advice is to work on becoming more selfish. I understand the pull to want to make people happy and to want to make things harmonious. But many people are just looking for someone like you to leech off of. That's not an insult towards you, it's an insult towards them. Still, you have to protect yourself and invest your energies in YOU - otherwise you will keep attracting leeches.
Yes, I ran into this today. I have house sat for them on many occasions, but when my hot water broke and I asked to use their shower, due to our "schedule differences" they would rather not have me come over and shower, even though I said I would be able to come whenever tomorrow before work.
This is what Ellis called "musturbation"--demanding things in the world be a certain way: they MUST help me because I helped them, the world MUST be fair, etc. You can expect all you like, but that doesn't obligate them to live up to your expectations.
Why are you mad at them? It sounds like you wrote some kind of mental script for how things "should" have gone, and you're mad because they didn't follow your script...not that they're obligated to do so.
This sounds a lot like how "nice guys" complain that their being nice doesn't get them girlfriends. They do things for others in order to obligate them somehow, and when it doesn't work out the way they planned, they get mad because no one felt the need to live up to an obligation they never chose to take on.
Yes, this is exactly the impression I got too.
I live my life in a very independent way, not expecting others to prop me up or even be all that interested in what I am "going through." I am my own source of strength and support 99% of the time. When I had a serious personal loss a few months ago, I was amazed at the number of people who went out of their way to show support and offer help. I never asked for it or expected it, but dozens and dozens were there for me and I welcomed it. Because for them it was not a transaction or a quid pro quo. It was from the heart and genuine.
Bear in mind that people who demonstrate a continuing need for the support of others are less likely to get it over time. It is exhausting for others to shore up someone who is emotionally frail. No matter how much that person may have done for others in the past.
A number of posters have questioned the OP’s motives. I do not see how expecting reciprocity in relationships (or being disappointed when it does not happen) is the same as doing things with “strings” attached. While I understand that reciprocity may not be a realistic expectation given how different people view relationships, it is certainly reasonable to expect that the degree of “give and take” will even out over time in relationships between decent people. I personally would not take favors from someone if I had no intention of reciprocating if the need arose.
As many have said, the OP will likely have to change her approach to dealing with people in acknowledgement of the reality that many people are self absorbed. But I do not agree with turning her disappointment against her and questioning her motives simply for having a reasonable reaction to imbalances in her relationships.
A number of posters have questioned the OP’s motives. I do not see how expecting reciprocity in relationships (or being disappointed when it does not happen) is the same as doing things with “strings” attached. While I understand that reciprocity may not be a realistic expectation given how different people view relationships, it is certainly reasonable to expect that the degree of “give and take” will even out over time in relationships between decent people. I personally would not take favors from someone if I had no intention of reciprocating if the need arose.
As many have said, the OP will likely have to change her approach to dealing with people in acknowledgement of the reality that many people are self absorbed. But I do not agree with turning her disappointment against her and questioning her motives simply for having a reasonable reaction to imbalances in her relationships.
Wow thank you. I thought the post above yours was unnecessary. Judged me to be needy or in the wrong and that is why this is happening to me. I am sorry (poster above you) for whatever you had to go through to see that all these people were there for you "from the heart". But it doesn't make you any more deserving of support than me just because you got it. People don't always get what they "deserve." It is a chance you take. I will continue to be there for others , I can give first but I expect to be helped if I ask for it (within reason) and if I see over time the taking and not giving, I will no longer give to that person. I do thank everyone for their opinions though weather I agree or not.
The idea of "no expectations" so you won't be disappointed has some merit but we all have expectations of being treated kindly especially to those we've been kind to in the past. I for one feel I am entitled to be treated kindly though I do understand not everyone will go along with this. I don't need to be around those people. Billy1814, you said it perfectly. Thank you.
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Ok, done with rant. Comments please . . .
