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My maternal mother has rejected me, been abusive, mentally and physically ever since I was a small child. She had me single and has always blamed me for ruining her life. Now I know that isn't true, however, it is unfortunately her distorted perspective.
She made me go to work when I was 13 years of age, and hand over all my pay checks, until I was 17 and ran away from home to get married. She had told me, when I graduated, that I was going to get a full time job and pay her back for all those years she raised me. She hit me across the face, across the ears...constantly. She'd make up reasons to be miserable and blame me for something I didn't do. I vowed, never to do anything to cause her to loose it and hit me. But, she'd always find something...honestly, she should have never been a mother.
I was fortunate, b/c I had a family that lived across the street, and took me in, not legally, but I was always at their home, rather then be with her.
Once my husband told someone this, "I've never seen Creme fear anything, and yet, she fears her mother terribly".
My cousin hates her b/c she remembers how cruel my mother was to me....I don't hate her, and up until this past Sat. I've always felt sorry for her. Stopped looking for her approval many years ago.
Years ago, when my son was little, my mother loaned me necklaces for some formal thing my husband and I were going to. When we went to visit her and my step father, on Christmas Eve, I returned the necklaces to her, asking her where she wanted me to put them...she said, just lay them on the chest in her bedroom which I did. We opened our gifts, and she had given me identical necklaces for Christmas.
Christmas Day, the phone rings and it's her...and she said, "I want you to return my necklaces"? I said, What"? She said, "you bring back my necklaces, that you replaced with the ones I gave you"? They were identical....????
she insisted I took them, she also accused me of sleeping with one of my step fathers, which I did not. He took me to the beach, dropped me off, and picked me up after work.
Ever since those times, I've been leary of her, and never ever would put myself in a situation where I was alone with her husband, or, in her rooms alone....
It is very difficult to visit her, b/c the moment I walk in, she starts in....trying to tear down my self esteem, so I only go visit her on Holidays and her birthday.
Well, about a year ago, she was in the hospital...and of course, she has no one else, so she called me. I went there, and she asked me to go pick up nighties, and take her trash out and she gave me her key; I was very nervous about going into her home, but felt compeled to comply.
I spent little time there, and upon returning to the hospital, said, here is your key, I want YOU to place it in your purse. She did....
months later, on her birthday, she accuses me of not returning her key and now things are missing in her home....shoes, sanitary napkins, nighties....and let me tell you, I'm twice her size. She said, when she goes shopping, someone is coming into her home and taking her legal papers, etc.
Now there is a relative of my step fathers who looks over her. He lives right around the corner from her. My mother is constantly telling me, she has made me executor, or at least my step father left me executor....and she keeps telling him, she has made him executor. I phoned him once and told him, honestly, I don't care...I don't want anything from her and if he is executor, that's perfectly all right....he said, are you sure, "absolutely" I replied.
So, of course, it was mother's day so I went to visit, and took her a money gift, b/c if I buy something for her, she makes me exchange it, it's never good enough...plus, she can use the money as she likes.
So, the moment I arrive, she starts telling me, I took her key and more things are missing....
I've been dubbed by my friends and family "so honest, that I step on toes and do a lot...why, b/c of her....I suppose?
as a child growing up, I really feared her....she has no friends, what-so-ever, and family stays away from her, b/c of how distorted she talks. I can tell you honestly, the things she talks about is embarrassing, not to mention, it is always about her, never asked how my son is doing, how my grand daughter is doing, and they are all really great human beings....and yet, she never asks. If I try and change the subject, she doesn't even hear what I've said, she just takes it right back to her...?
I have to also say, when I was young, I vowed, I'd never do anything to get in trouble, to give her ammunition to beat me and would pray on it...hard...
She used to tell neighbors and family what a horrible child I was....yet, I cleaned, shopped, made dinner, and when she'd come home, if it wasn't done to her liking, she'd make me do it over again. We lived above a grocery store, and the men that worked there, used to hear the yelling and screaming....but no one ever did anything about it...and yet, my foster mom, said, those same men used to feel so sorry for me, that she'd send this little girl for groceries. I don't resent her or the things she made me do, b/c it taught me at an early age to be responsible and to know how to do those things.
I did pretty well socially, always had a lot of friends...never was clicky, but kinda like a social butterfly, never attaching to any group inparticular...
Actually the step father she accused me of sleeping with, left her, b/c she was so awful...she hit him, knocked his glasses off his face, and he said, he had to leave, b/c he feared her pushing him to far.
My last step father was the kindest sweetest man. Everyone loved him...well, sadly, he had cancer, and had to have a bag. One Sunday morning his doctor called me, and asked me to come down to the hospital, he needed to talk to me.
We waited for the doctor to come into the room, and when he arrived, he shook his head and said, "your mother ought to be institutionalized!" Here, she was being so mean to my step father, saying she didn't want him to come home, that she would have to deal with that stinkin bag???? And she said horrible things in front of him...not to long after he passed away.
Well, when I went to visit her for Mother's day she started in once again with the key I supposidly never gave back to her???? That I'm a lier, no good and never was any good. If I'd have kept her key, there would be no way, she'd have been able to get in her house when she came home from the hospital...but I didn't argue...I just told her, Mom, I haven't seen you since Christmas, and I'm all you have, you'd think by now, all these years, you'd stop trying to prove to everyone that I'm such a horrible person...so, I'll make it easy for you....I'm done with you, and I won't be back.
She only calls me when she needs something, and when she's done running you around, she has you take things back, b/c it's never right....she did that to my step father to. And I do know she hit him....and he didn't deserve that...he was a Good Man and he never complained about her.
The moment he died, she said, lets go, and all the way home in the car, she kept saying how he probably changed the will....meaning, he left her nothing. But he left her everything...
So, I've been sick to my stomach and extremely upset...I don't know why? You'd think after all these years it wouldn't bother me...she refused to come to my graduation...she said, I'd probably end up getting pregnant...that I'd never graduate....but I did...and wanted to go to college, but she wouldn't allow me to...
Long time ago, I went to counseling for a long time, b/c there were self esteem problems and a huge lack of confidence.
I can say that there is so so much to be thankful for...always feared being like her...however, my life has been fulfilling and I'm content with my accomplishments...espeically my son, my daughter in law and grand child...they are truly a blessing and so was my foster family...they have always supported me, and knew how bad my mother was....thank God for them.
But, yesterday I was sick all day...probably nerves...I felt the fear return, and I have MS, therefore the extra stress is certainly not needed....and just recently I'd had some personal problems that I've been working thru...so, I suppose, this is just adding fuel to the fire.
Here is my dilema....I know I need to cut her off, however, as cruel as she has been honestly, I do not like her, and haven't thought of her as my mother for many years....I'm soon to be 65 years old....however, I do feel sorry for her, b/c she has no one, and many people are surprised I continue to go back....but I can't, no more...I just cannot go back anymore....I've grown very weary of it all...and tired of her finding nothing but fault with me, but the worst thing is accusing me of things I've never done. That really tears me up.
Basically, I'm a pretty confident person...and feel, there was something for me to learn in all of this, and yet, when ever I'm around her, I am unable to control my desire to defend myself....I was never able to just let it go in one ear and out the other...and that bothers me....to simply ignore her accusations....but I don't want to go back there any longer...don't want to be around her....can't try any longer.
yanno, the funny part is, she states, when she goes grocery shopping, someone goes in her house, and takes these things...well, I'm working during the day when she goes, she doesn't go out in the evening.
seriously, I think she has been trying to push me away for years...and maybe I just didn't get it? But when she goes in the hospital, I don't want to know about it, b/c I'm tired of her using me...and perhaps that's wrong of me, but I just cannot do it anymore.
So many people have suggested she was jealous of me, b/c I was a good gal? I don't know, who knows where her mind was taking her...?
Last edited by cremebrulee; 05-13-2013 at 11:28 AM..
Wow. My mother didn't treat me nearly as badly as yours does you, and I walked away from her years ago! You can't kick a dog but so many times before he stops coming around . . . .
Wow. My mother didn't treat me nearly as badly as yours does you, and I walked away from her years ago! You can't kick a dog but so many times before he stops coming around . . . .
well, it wasn't b/c I loved her, I don't, and can't think of her as my mother...but my foster mom, always told me, "no matter what, she is still your mother" and really felt sorry for her...but just cannot do it any more...there has been lots going on in my life of late...nothing that you can't get thru....but, upsetting stuff....and guess, she was the icing on the cake...just cannot do it any longer.
I'm very sorry Rebel you had to deal with it...very sorry.....
Pity your mother for it sounds like she has mental issues that will possibly never be adequately resolved.
she does, and have always known that, and suppose that is why I couldn't totally walk away...
seemed like holidays and her birthday, I could put up with it...it is a shame that she has pushed everyone away....she was herself abused very badly as a child...very badly...her sister is the very same way...
cremebrulee...this might sound cruel (she is your mother), but you should let her go...have nothing more to do with her...no-one deserves to go through what you have...no-one deserves to be verbally attacked, and put down...maybe she DOES have (mental problems)..a lot of people do...that doesn't mean she gets free reign to use and abuse you...I agree with your foster mom when she says she IS your mom....but I don't get the "no matter what" part...what does that mean?..Is she telling you to accept the lies and abuse just because she's your mother?...I hope not., and I hope that you don't.
cremebrulee...this might sound cruel (she is your mother), but you should let her go...have nothing more to do with her...no-one deserves to go through what you have...no-one deserves to be verbally attacked, and put down...maybe she DOES have (mental problems)..a lot of people do...that doesn't mean she gets free reign to use and abuse you...I agree with your foster mom when she says she IS your mom....but I don't get the "no matter what" part...what does that mean?..Is she telling you to accept the lies and abuse just because she's your mother?...I hope not., and I hope that you don't.
My foster mom, was basically a very naieve and trusting person...to much so...and as I grew older and the dust settled, she kept telling me to never cut her off...I never did, until now...I won't be around her any longer without someone else there....
She phoned the police after my last visit...I might have been there 10 minutes tops....b/c she started in about her key and that I stole it....I didn't say this, but if I had stolen her key, when I went to bring her home from the hospital, she had the key to get into the house??????? She told the police a spool of thread was missing, two nighties, that someone took two pillows and replaced them with older ones, and when she goes shopping, they come into her home and take stuff and lock her out? Now I am twice the size in stature then she is, believe me, there is no way I could wear her clothes, her shoes.
During the course of my life, she has accused me of doing some pretty rotten things, immoral things, that would be way to embarrassing to tell...it does upset me when she accuses me and calls me a lier...and I don't know why? I should be immune to it by now...
Anyway, the policman phoned me, and she told him all about this...she also told him we argued...
I know after talking to her for just a few minutes, he realized she is out there....and he told me, "to think about making different arrangements for her". Well, that is all well and good, but what if she refuses to leave her home....besides, I will not be around her alone any longer, she could claim anything.
When I was a young girl I vowed I wouldn't give her any amunition to prove that she was right about me, as far as getting into trouble. I was actually a pretty good daughter...
I think it is extremely strange for a mother to hate her own daughter, and beat her up both physically and mentally, and run around to all the neighbors to try and prove to them I was a bad child?
Birthing my son was to me, the greatest experience in life, as well as raising him, doing for him, watching him walk for the first time, his first words...his soft little voice, when he said Mommie....he was easy to raise and a joy to be around...how can a mother hate her daughter so much? I never got that? To boot, my biggest greatest fear, in all my life, was being like her. I know I wasn't, and I'm extremely fortunate, to have had a family who felt badly for me, and took me into their home, since I was five years old...I will be forever indebted to them, b/c without them, I may have been just like her.....?
Anyway, I'm just taking it one day at a time now and not as upset....I know she will never change...but maybe this is horrible to say, while I pity her, I really don't like her very much....don't hate her, just would rather not be around her. Everyone, but everyone is no good, she doesn't have nice things to say about anyone...and you wouldn't believe how many people helped her out financially when I was young....and all she did was talk about them? And if she didn't have anything to say, she'd make up things about them. Honestly when she says something, you can never believe her, b/c most of the time, she is telling stories that are not true...one time as a child I told her, she shouldn't talk so mean about people, that time, I got a bloody nose.
I tried to tell my babysitter, how she treated me, and the baby sitter told her, and she literally beat my butt all the way home....but now, people say to me, she is probably getting dimentia...and I tell them, "no, she has always been like this, it's just showing more to more people". When she was younger, she hid it pretty good.
Ya gotta feel sorry for her, she is a lost soul....all her life, she hated....she never actually enjoyed life...or is able to recognize the small gifts, or even giving love? How sad. I don't know how my step father put up with it...I really don't.
If your watching TV, she doesn't care, she talks, and talks and talks....and never asks how your doing, it's always, about her...and sometimes, some pretty crazy stuff....? honestly, the moment you walk thru the door, she starts talking, and all her life, no matter what she was always dieing...or she'd say, no one ever had it worse then me...she actually makes up illnesses...but if I was sick, I had to go to school no matter what, b/c I was pretending...I remember, once, when I had appendisitis, I had such bad pains, she gave me an enima...finally when I couldn't stand up any longer, she took me to the hospital. They rushed me into surgery....she has not one ounze of empathy in her body for anyone...
I oft times wonder, what kind of childhood she must have had, that made her like this? It has to be learned behavior, b/c her sister is just like this...? However, her mother died when they were young, and my mother had to raise the kids....there were 5 girls...one of them committed suicide when she was young? Very sad, isn't it?
Yanno, it's a shame, how one person's negativity, can hurt so many other people? Some people just shouldn't be parents...yanno?
Last edited by cremebrulee; 05-15-2013 at 05:49 AM..
cremebrulee...despite your growing up with a mean spirited mother you sound like you've overcome and surpassed any doubts about yourself you may have had...good for you...it's sooo much easier to be kind and caring towards others, don't you think?...You're right that your momma deserves your sympathy, it's always sad when a child who lives through abuse grows up believing it's the norm and then does the same to her own children (you're right, you gotta feel sorry for this lost soul)...sounds like you broke that chain though, and thankfully your son will grow up in a loving home with a mom that adores and cares gently for him.
The only thing I can add to this is that accusing people of stealing small things (that the person cannot find) is a symptom of the onset of dementia. Has your mother had trouble paying bills, or is she getting lost in familiar places?
Beyond this, I think you have to find the strength to let her go. She isn't good for you, and obviously you are not good for her. If she is functioning OK, and she has mental illness, she can still take care of herself, so let her go. You are too old, and have too much to live for to be tied to someone so unbalanced and cruel.
I don't know what to advise you to do if she has dementia. (She has to be in her eighties) Can you trust the neighbor? Or do you think he would take advantage of her in some way?
I think you have to find a way to think about this. Perhaps it is time for you to see a counselor so you can sort out your feelings, and have some hard info about what might ultimately happen to your mother if you abandon her. We can only give so much advice here. We don't know the situation really. Find a sympathetic counselor. You need to know how to think about your situation. But I don't think you deserve the abuse you are taking now from your mother.
Hugs to you Creme. Your mother sounds like mine was .. I left her and her crazy behind 50 yrs ago and even from a distance she dished some awful stuff .. It hurt, hurt bad .. but I never said anything to those who told me what she was saying about me .. She managed to split up her children who should have had a chance to love each other but she made sure that we didnt.. When she died coupla yars ago I sent roses .. I find out that many folks were suprised she had a child of my age .. was she that ashamed ? I think so but why I will never understand or know ..
Anyways I didnt go to her burial .. and do not regret missing it the flowers were more than enough .. and yet .. I am pretty sure they werent good enough.
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