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... why can't you simply avoid her as much as possible and think of ways you can entertain yourself and not have the entire vacation be a total loss.
This trip was originally for the two of us and her son (who is a wonderful human being and a pleasure to be with). Her daughter originally had other plans, then inexplicably completely changed them and then it became an awkward situation where I'd be in the position of insisting she tell her own daughter to bugger off or isn't welcome on the trip. Frankly I think that would be appropriate and have said so, but I can't impose that on her if for no other reason than if it creates a permanent rift between them, it will always be my fault somehow. Besides, this is probably the last opportunity we'll have to do something "big" with the kids before they go tearing off into the adult world, and we are trying to keep the brother / sister connection alive. There are lots of factors besides just my "power" here.
Life is messy, and doesn't always lend itself to clean, matter of fact solutions.
So it's easy to talk about taking my power back or to assume that would somehow make everything okay. Sure I'll excuse myself and go someplace else, enjoy parts of my vacation alone when the whole point is to enjoy it as a family, sublimate my anger at what this does to my wife and to the increasingly fragile relationship between brother and sis, and I will manage, with effort, to cobble something rationalizeable together so I can tell myself I went to this great place and saw great sites and learned interesting things.
To the point of the OP, I will not pity myself about this and I won't punish or guilt others over it. That's just a cold, naked decision. On a certain level I have every right to do both, but it's just not behavior that accomplishes anything useful. There are times when, as Satre said, hell is other people; it's just the way it is sometimes.
There's an old saying "if you can't change your situation, you can change your attitude".
In my late 20s I made a conscious decision that I would NEVER perceive of myself as a victim and I never have. It's very empowering.
I have had some success with this. In my religious days I had various things happen to me through no fault of my own, fairly awful things, and religion made this worse because clearly I had followed the belief system and done all the right things, and promised blessing and protection were not in evidence. This is the ultimate victimhood. When I realized it was all BS I could let go of my identity as someone being sadistically put through some kind of cosmic meat grinder, could let go of my identity as someone who was destined for and deserving of personal happiness and fulfillment, and let go of my self-importance as someone that an all-powerful being would pay enough attention to to either reward or punish me. I think that a lot of victimhood comes from this place of reward and punishment from imaginary cosmic sources.
Now ... on the other hand, if someone had walked up to me on my morning stroll today and blown my brains out, I'd rightly be called a "victim of violent crime" and my life would be unalterably diminished from that moment forward, even assuming it continued at all. This is simply an objective fact, and not something that can be waved off with a flick of my attitude. Sometimes we ARE victims and DON'T have any real control over events. And sometimes as victims we have very serious losses and experience grief over them. I see no advantage in telling ourselves that we will never be a victim because we say so. That only works as long as blind luck holds out.
What I think makes more sense is to seek out in every situation, whatever self determination we actually have, and then simply accept the rest and let go of attachment to outcomes.
People don't choose to contract genetic diseases, debilitating diseases, or a whole other plethora of illness whose cause isn't directly known.
People don't choose to be the victim of crime, car accidents (where they were not at fault), or the victims of other occurrences that aren't statistically rare.
People don't choose to be born into third world countries, countries at war, countries under oppression, countries with incidences of rape being the norm, or countries with vastly inferior resources compared to what the average comfy first world inhabitant would fathom.
People don't choose for economic trends or purchasing power to decrease the strength of the dollar they earn.
People don't choose for situations to happen in their family that might otherwise limited their control.
People don't choose to be born with a certain mental capacity, having a certain skin color, or having a certain sexual orientation that in turn might limited "how high they can fly".
No one is truly free. We are all following our boundless destiny.
Self-Pity is sometimes just reality.
criminaljustice's comments makes severl strong points. How do people get their arms
around when they lose a child, lose a job & search for months or years for another, were
victimized by an adult as a child, had abusive parents, have no family to turn to,
no sense of community and are isolated, go to a doctor and get a diagnosis that will
affect the rest of their lives, veterans who come home traumatized by what they have
seen and receive little or no therapy?
It is not that simple saying, just pick yourself up and be positive. I'm sure many of these
victims have tried but such traumas are overwhelming.
I have had some success with this. In my religious days I had various things happen to me through no fault of my own, fairly awful things, and religion made this worse because clearly I had followed the belief system and done all the right things, and promised blessing and protection were not in evidence. This is the ultimate victimhood. When I realized it was all BS I could let go of my identity as someone being sadistically put through some kind of cosmic meat grinder, could let go of my identity as someone who was destined for and deserving of personal happiness and fulfillment, and let go of my self-importance as someone that an all-powerful being would pay enough attention to to either reward or punish me. I think that a lot of victimhood comes from this place of reward and punishment from imaginary cosmic sources.
Now ... on the other hand, if someone had walked up to me on my morning stroll today and blown my brains out, I'd rightly be called a "victim of violent crime" and my life would be unalterably diminished from that moment forward, even assuming it continued at all. This is simply an objective fact, and not something that can be waved off with a flick of my attitude. Sometimes we ARE victims and DON'T have any real control over events. And sometimes as victims we have very serious losses and experience grief over them. I see no advantage in telling ourselves that we will never be a victim because we say so. That only works as long as blind luck holds out.
What I think makes more sense is to seek out in every situation, whatever self determination we actually have, and then simply accept the rest and let go of attachment to outcomes.
I do think there are people who have the ability to look at things differently. Look at the girl surfer who lost her arm to the shark - she could feel sorry for herself but she never did and is now a competitive surfer and an inspirational speaker. Same with the girl who lost her arms and part of both legs to a flesh-eating bacteria after zip-lining into a river, or the woman who walked into the plane propeller. These women all talked of gratitude after their incidents rather than thinking their life was over.There are some people who naturally look at the bright side (I'm still alive, my family is here for me, etc) but I think it's something we can all learn to cultivate.
criminaljustice's comments makes severl strong points. How do people get their arms
around when they lose a child, lose a job & search for months or years for another, were
victimized by an adult as a child, had abusive parents, have no family to turn to,
no sense of community and are isolated, go to a doctor and get a diagnosis that will
affect the rest of their lives, veterans who come home traumatized by what they have
seen and receive little or no therapy?
It is not that simple saying, just pick yourself up and be positive. I'm sure many of these
victims have tried but such traumas are overwhelming.
Many people who might be considered as "wallowing in self pity" are actually suffering from depression. People who have been through any of the above experiences are going to be more prone to depression. Telling someone who is suffering from depression to "snap out of it and be grateful" is only perceived as cruel and it will be counterproductive. Their disease has to be addressed before they could even get to position where that's possible. Some people use self pity as a way to gain sympathy and attention, some are actually depressed and need professional help. We need to be careful with how view someone who seems to be in self pity.
Many people who might be considered as "wallowing in self pity" are actually suffering from depression. People who have been through any of the above experiences are going to be more prone to depression. Telling someone who is suffering from depression to "snap out of it and be grateful" is only perceived as cruel and it will be counterproductive. Their disease has to be addressed before they could even get to position where that's possible. Some people use self pity as a way to gain sympathy and attention, some are actually depressed and need professional help. We need to be careful with how view someone who seems to be in self pity.
This^ is critically important to bear in mind when assessing & reacting to others' behavior.
Some excellent points in the ongoing discussion. Thank you all for contributing!
I have to say I do fall into the coulda/woulda/shoulda trap, and sometimes daydream how things would have been different if I had made different choices in life. But its just a reverie...I don't consider this self-pity. Oh sure sometimes I think I wish I would have done this or that, and there are regrets.
But, one makes ones choices or decisions and lives with the outcomes.
I dont think in terms of absolutes as in terms of vicitms and survivors. Sometimes you can be both, right? Sure one has choices but there are things one has no control over, and things happen sometimes not be choice but by chance, or are out of our personal control.
I agree totally. Definitely not a black or white subject. Sometimes we make wrong choices and have to deal with the consequences. But other times, like if I got hit by a car after looking both ways and being careful, it's just the way it was supposed to happen. Nothing I could've done to prevent it.
Several years ago I was reading an article in the newspaper where a lady in her 60s was being interviewed. Her daughter and SIL had been killed in a traffic accident. The lady found herself raising her 5 young, very energetic grandchildren. She was asked a question and her response was "Sometimes in life you just have to play the hand you are dealt." I never forgot that response and have thought of it when I found myself in a difficult situation.
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This^ is critically important to bear in mind when assessing & reacting to others' behavior.
