Does this sound like Borderline Personality Disorder? (dating, thoughts, complex)
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Mordant wow thank you so much! That really helped me! I think what has been holding me back from moving on was this feeling of failure and defeat. I thought if I loved him enough it would fix any personal issues he was having and we'd live happily ever after. Nope. I think now I can stop blaming myself and beating myself up over the r/ship failing. He is someone who needs extensive psychiatric help like you said, and I'm neither qualified nor willing to be that for him. I guess I was good to him and he couldn't appreciate it or even see it. And that's his fault, not mine.
I'll remind myself of this every time I start feeling bad and obsessing over him. This will really help! I'll let myself off the hook and know that I did my best but the r/ship was just never meant to be. And next time I date someone whose behavior is confusing and makes no sense, I'll remember this and leave before I get in too deep again.
Thank you to Vasily also! Yes I agree he is a classic abuser. There are plenty of DV shelters in my area, I'll call some of them up and see if I can meet with a therapist. I have a lot more processing to do and a therapist who specializes in DV would be the best bet I think.
Mordant wow thank you so much! That really helped me!
Glad to be of help. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt, and it makes my day to have a shot at passing my hard-learned lessons on to others. It makes my own losses easier to rationalize :-)
Stay strong now and take care of yourself and know that it's possible to know people who can reciprocate properly.
Have you not considered the possibility that you were in fact really good and loving to him?
What you have to understand is that how he responds to you can be completely independent of that. It is completely untrue that real goodness and love always are seen for what they are and always responded to appropriately.
It has been my sad conclusion that people who for whatever reason never got it established in between their ears as a child that they are adequate, lovable, and worthy, and who were subject to significant abuse and/or neglect, get into this perverse state where they would not recognize real goodness and love if someone could make it into a two by four and smacked them square in the face with it. You would think you'd present them with real goodness and love and they'd instantly recognize it as what they have wanted and sought after all along, but the truth is they have no idea what it is or what to do with it or how to respond to it. It actually frightens them. So they sabotage it, ward it off, and drive it away so that they can return to their stable state of being miserable and lonely. You can try until you are blue in the face but you will never break through that reserve. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it is not a job for a significant other. You will end up being parent, nursemaid, psychiatrist, confessor, and policeman but you will never get to enjoy being on either the giving or receiving end of a healthy intimate relationship. And you will get the smelly brown stuff for thanks in the end.
By the same token, people who are centered within themselves and believe in themselves and are not brimming with self-loathing really are babes in the woods when trying to relate to the behaviors of damaged souls. They will get used, abused, and made to feel responsible for their own suffering ... they never know what hit them. If you are a good and decent human being who is trying to be close to someone, and you find their behavior confusing, it's a red flag. Run, don't walk, to the exit. Intimate relationships should not be confusing or baffling. You are dealing with someone who is without natural affection and cannot interact with a healthy person at that level.
What your ex-BF needs is extensive psychiatric help, and to submit to a disciplined program of therapy that to my knowledge has yet to be developed, if he wants to operate properly with a significant other.
Borderline personalities can sometimes make good fat cat CEOs, hedge fund managers, gang bosses, dictators, and other such jobs where it's at least a provisional competitive advantage to see everything in black and white, as friend or foe, and to remorselessly discard people who cross you like so much garbage. Leave that stuff to the borderlines and the sociopaths; keep your love live for people who actually know how to love -- and more importantly, know how to love YOU. It's not too much to ask for. Quit sabotaging your love life. Get picky.
This is a great post - those who've been involved - and mystified, and hurt - by those with severe issues such as are described here would benefit by reading and re-reading it.
Thanks for sharing your insights and wisdom, mordant. Much appreciated.
Borderline or not, he's severely unwell and you need to go no contact with him. It's clear he has no self-control and develops very unhealthy attachments. If you keep giving him even a tiny window of access to you, he will never leave you alone. You must draw the line and say no more. NO phone calls, NO emails, NO texts, nothing, nada.
Most of life is not black-or-white like this; but in this case, it's the only way.
And - stop trying to figure him out. I get it, I was like that when I was younger. I needed to "know". But people like him are not worth figuring out. And in directing your energy towards deciphering him, you are only hurting yourself. Trust me on that.
Why isn't this man in jail? Did the police just refuse to arrest him when you called them after he assaulted you?
The fact that you remained with him after that is just...I just don't understand. Maybe you had a death wish?
I am with the others NO CONTACT. Although I fear for the safety of the woman he is with now. He does sound as if he could really hurt or kill someone. I wish he was not out on the streets.
zentropa I'm surprised he's not in jail too. He told me he did do time for DV before with a previous girlfriend. I think he's been in and out of jail a few times. I didn't report him because, well, I was attached to him, I thought I loved him, the last thing I wanted to do was put him away in jail. He could be put away for a very long time with his history. The fact that he hit me did not really bother me either at first, believe it or not. But the time he went way overboard and hit me until my nose bled and then my face was bruised for weeks. He actually did feel really bad and remorseful after that though, and we both agreed he could not hit me ever again. He did smack me again shortly after that though, but I lost it and fought back. After that he didn't touch me for a long time, so then the physically abusive part of the r/ship pretty much stopped. He just became more abusive in other areas though, more verbally abusive, and cheating on me more, more controlling, not letting me leave the house, etc. I don't know why I get into DV r/ships, I was in one before which lasted for 5 years. That guy was even scarier than this guy. I am attracted to these men and stay in these r/ships way longer than I should. I definitely need counseling about it.
Why isn't this man in jail? Did the police just refuse to arrest him when you called them after he assaulted you?
The fact that you remained with him after that is just...I just don't understand. Maybe you had a death wish?
I am with the others NO CONTACT. Although I fear for the safety of the woman he is with now. He does sound as if he could really hurt or kill someone. I wish he was not out on the streets.
You bring up an excellent point.
When we allow others to abuse us with no legal consequences, even after we finally escape, they are simply free to abuse others. So not only do we do OURSELVES a disservice, we play a part in allowing them to hurt others down the road.
if you think hes got BPD run don't walk away and stay away. Do NOT let him back in your life and do not feel sorry for him. I would reccomend bpdfamily.com if you were married I reccomend running since you aren't!
I don't think love alone can wipe out serious pathology, and possibly even mental illness or chemical imbalance.
Clearly, he doesn't respond to any situation with normal reactions. You were expecting him to react to love as a fairly mentally healthy person would.
He can't do that. He sees everything through a distorted lens due to his illness.
I need to keep this in mind. Instead of blaming myself I should remind myself I am not dealing with someone with normal reactions. Its messes with your head when the normal reaction you are expecting to something, like giving love, doesn't come, and instead something traumatic comes in its place, like being abused. My mind has been reeling for months. But I'm beginning to accept that this was a classic DV case and he's still exerting his power and control over me by continuing to contact me and is interfering with my personal life, and I'm not sure why I'm continuing to let him do that.
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Did the police just refuse to arrest him when you called them after he assaulted you? 
