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I mean this with all due respect so please don't be offended by it.
You seem to want to put a name to his illness to both get closure with him, and to reinforce the feeling that you know it was a toxic relationship. You already know that he is not sound, so putting a name to his illness won't change that. You also don't need to feel guilt for leaving. The relationship wasn't healthy. You should feel refreshed that it's behind you. A few of your posts indicate that you felt you could change him, or that he'd become a better person if you 'Just loved him enough'. Those are indications of a 'codependent relationship.'
It's important for you to realize that you should strike a healthy balance in life between caring about yourself, and caring about others. Leaning too far in either direction for an extended length of time isn't healthy.
THE MOST crucial thing for you to understand right now is that YOU DESERVE BETTER. When you can look in the mirror and know that for a fact, you'll be on your way.
Location: where you sip the tea of the breasts of the spinsters of Utica
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moongirl00
.....One time while we were broken up I did talk to other guys, and when he looked through my phone and saw the texts, he hit me for hours, making my nose bleed and leaving bruises on my face which lasted for weeks. Other times he would smack me for no reason, pull my hair, and liked violent sex also. He said he couldn't enjoy sex unless it was violent. I always had bruises.
....
I don't know about him, but your diagnosis should be DSM Punching Bag 134.12, or possibly Doormat 986.11.
If someone hits you, call the police, and then get a restraining order.
That is the ideal approach, but it is not always the safest, believe it or not.
Wow this thread is still going. I've pretty much moved on from analyzing this guy but I just wanted to say one more thing.
Just that a couple people commenting here don't seem to be aware of the abuse cycle...or what its like being involved with a Narcissist.
The reason its so hard to leave is they are experts at stroking you with one hand, and abusing you with the other. When they "stroke" you, they know how to do it perfectly, the exact things to say that you want to hear, how to act, what to do, etc., this is what gets you hooked!!!!! They make you believe you have finally met your one perfect love of your life and the future is suddenly filled with hopes, dreams, and happiness!
Then with no warning they turn on you! When they know they have you hooked that's when they start to abuse you. They know you won't leave because you crave the "strokes," and you have already begun making plans and dreams for your future together. Then they feed you just enough to keep you around.
Its extremely difficult to break away when a person has hooked you in as expertly as a narcissist or sociopath can. Even the smartest and strongest person can have trouble resisting a NPD or APD when they have decided they want you! Stranger beware, I don't wish it on anyone to be preyed upon by a sociopath.
They are also experts at making YOU feel guilty for THEIR abuse. Now that I've gained some perspective and can look back on our r/ship, I realize that the first time he cheated on me and I caught him, he actually succeeded in turning the situation around so that I was in the wrong, I felt guilty, and HE broke up with ME! I ended up being the one to chase him and apologize and get him to take me back, after HE cheated on ME! It sounds crazy but they know how to manipulate people in this way. Only NOW have I realized this is what was happening our entire r/ship. I kept feeling guilty and like i was doing something wrong and I was the one failing at the r/ship, when in reality it was him, and he was gaslighting and making me believe it was me.
UGH!!!!!!!
I'm so glad this is behind me now.
Thanks again for all the help! This thread really got me to see this r/ship for what it is!!!
Hello everyone, I thought you might be interested in hearing from an actual border (BPD).
Let me clear up some misconceptions. Female borders are more apt to self hurt, cuts etc. Male borders can but usually do not. I am a male BPD with ASPD traits. That's a border and sociopath in one
Also there is no resemblance between borders and bipolars. The mood swings for bipolars are more seasonal and last for weeks and months, not so with border. Our mood swings are more rapid and in shorter duration, minutes, hours some times a few days. Bipolars illness is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and is very treatable. Most bipolars live totally normal lives. Folks with personality disorders do not suffer from chemical imbalances. And usually is only treatable by therapy, tho we can take meds for some of the symptoms.
Also another misconception is we suffer a lot of depression. Male border wrestle more with anxiety, which can appear as depression to the untrained eye. But there is a difference between female and male borders. And often they also have other traits from other personality disorders. Some narcissist some sociopath even some schizo too
The suicide rate is higher among female borders then any other personality group or sex. Most male borders end up in prison or killed. If they survive there is some relief as we do mellow out a little after 45.
Some borders male or female (fatal attraction) are indeed very dangerous. We do have homicidal tendencies, but that does NOT mean we all act on them. Most do not.
You folks did get a lot of it correct, abandonment, and black and white, we call that splitting. Some times I think everyone is good, some times I think everyone is evil and deserves to die. We do a lot of splitting, she loves me, she loves me not, etc. Very common. Empathy, some of us have it better then others, sociopaths have none, most of us very little but we can all fake very good.
Generally you really do not have to worry about any of the personality disorders. We all follow the 3 C's.
Chase, Capture, Control. For us the chase is the best part. Once we have captured we quickly get bored and usually move on quick. It's true we do not take rejection very well. And we do get paranoid.
Finally we do not all fit in the same box, much room for variations. But we make the greatest lovers and best hitmen. We often pair up with others with personality disorders. I personally am a loner. I can detect a vulnerable woman from across the room. I know just what she wants to hear. We are good at manipulation.
But if we survive past 45 we do mellow out. I'm 57 and I haven't killed any one in over 15 years
Hope this helped some here.
Last edited by IndieVisible; 08-13-2013 at 09:55 PM..
Thank you for the post IndiVisible. Sorry it took so long to reply, I hadn't been on here.
Very interesting perspective. Its good to hear from a BSP with ASPD. It makes sense what you say.
The 3 C's you are right on about that. He definitely chased, I didn't make it easy for him. But it was like he did it just for the hell of it, almost just to see how hard it would be or how long it would take to conquer me. Once he perceived he had conquered me, its like he almost immediately lost interest. Until I tried to leave him, then he would just chase me again, ad infinitum.
I think he is a mix of BPD, NPD, and ASPD. PDs attract each other. Our relationship was like a fatal attraction, but it's not until I've been able to get perspective on it that I'm seeing it that way. I was so brainwashed while with him I didn't know or didn't care how badly he was abusing me. I was addicted to him like a drug, but I was abusing him too though, lol. Maybe we were addicted to each other.
Thanks again for giving us your perspective. We don't hear enough about the differences between male and female BPDs, also male and female NPDs, etc.
I have 2-3 components of BPD; Being over emotional to extreme where I become disoriented; Intense rage and anger-- the other component is sort of a half- difficulty in finding 'my self' also lack of mental focus- as an individual- though therapy has helped much. Being aware of these issues is a huge step in changing them. I am a male. I also suffer from GAD-generalized anxiety disorder, ADD, some OCD and dyslexia. I was just wired wrong. I am functional at a decent level- I attained a college degree- and even attended some grad school- nonetheless this has hindered me throughout my life. Therapy is the best way to begin to overcome BPD- as well as GAD. ADD may require medication.
Personality disorders can be hard to treat- since they are 'traits' 'built in' but BDP shows much promise for remission and permanent reduction in symptoms. I was involved with someone with NPD- since I do not have all the necessary symptoms of BPD (You need 5 out of 10) the relationship did not last. NPD is a very difficult issue to deal with- both for the patient and their friends, partners- etc. NPD's tend to have a more stable emotional bearing however- and can be higher functioning, compared to a BDP patient. Pathological narcissism, however (NPD) IS very difficult to treat, and can be as destructive as BPD.
Last edited by newerabuzz; 08-23-2013 at 05:03 PM..
Be careful you don't pick up another one just like him. Many women who are primed by incidents in their life to be victims, just keep repeating their pattern until they get help in figuring out what is sub-consciously motivating them to pick abusive men.
I know its not possible to diagnose someone without meeting them, but I'm pretty sure my ex-boyfriend is BPD. Please tell me what you think, those who know BPD better than I do.
I'll try not to ramble too much but let me give you a short history of our relationship. He seemed to be madly in love with me right away. Our first date he was already telling me he loved me, asking me to marry him, telling me I can't date any other guys, I was on "lock down," etc. I thought it was weird but I liked him so kept seeing him. But then as I started noticing more and more red flags and suspicious behaviors, I kept trying to break if off but he kept talking me out of it and kept pursuing me.
He was very controlling and insanely jealous. He would text me throughout the day and if I was anywhere but home, like at the store, he would freak out and tell me to go straight home and not talk to anybody. He would text me until I told him I was home. He was terrified I would meet someone else and leave him I guess. He told me I couldn't leave the house without his permission, unless I was with family.
He begged me not to hurt him and constantly threatening to kill me if I ever cheated on him. He said if any guy texted or called me he would trace the number and kill him. He made me leave my phone on with the ringer on when I was with him. One time while we were broken up I did talk to other guys, and when he looked through my phone and saw the texts, he hit me for hours, making my nose bleed and leaving bruises on my face which lasted for weeks. Other times he would smack me for no reason, pull my hair, and liked violent sex also. He said he couldn't enjoy sex unless it was violent. I always had bruises.
Then he accused ME of being overattached to him, and said he was afraid I would become suicidal if the r/ship ever ended. Hello...I had been the one trying to break things off, and I wasn't the one acting insanely jealous and paranoid.... Was that projection?
He thinks I'm the one who is delusional and obsessed with HIM. I've kept a log of each time one of us has contacted the other since we broke up in December, and for every one time I contact him he contacts me 10-15 times so even though he claims I'm the one stalking him its the other way around. I've told him to stop contacting me but he says no and then does it anyway. Each time he contacts me he tries to get together with me and says stuff like he will never forget me, that I'm his for life, that I will always love him, asking me to name my children after him, threatening my new boyfriend, asking personal questions about our sex life. Its almost like he's obsessed.
But then the next sentence he will say "We are just friends get it through your head!" Hello...I'm not the one doing it. I kept a log of all our contact to prove that he's the one pursuing me, I'm not delusional like he claims. Projection?
When we were together he would declare undying love for me one day, ask me to marry him, plan a pregnancy, tell me he loves me with all his heart, etc., then a few hours later break up with me, or rudely cancel our plans for some other friend. "Friend" meaning another woman on the side. He had a harem of women, mostly exes, that he calls and texts all the time to keep them hooked on him. He cheated on me the whole time, with his ex-girlfriend and also with online dating sites.
He also had a history of hard drug use, getting into fights, unplanned pregnancies, arrests and jail. He was also constantly lying about everything. He uses and manipulates people for his own benefit.
He can't stand to be alone. He is constantly on his phone, either calling or texting one of his girlfriends. He hardly has any guy friends but he is always pursuing women, and always has to have a girlfriend, but cheats on her the whole time. He has a new girlfriend since we broke up but he still calls and texts me every few days.
He obviously has something wrong with him. Does it sound like he could be a male Borderline? Thanks for the help!
You've described my ex to a T and yes he is a borderline and extremely dangerous. You know this guy will make good on some of his threats dont wait to see if he really means if he:all kill you girl get a restraining order for you and your boyfriends sake you do not deserve this treatment and now thats hes gone e is not your problem and he doesn't deserve your friendship. I'm surprised your boyfriend hasn't left because of this insanity dont let this guy objectify and torment you...you are FREE run and never look back...no kids either you are so lucky!!!!
You've described my ex to a T and yes he is a borderline and extremely dangerous. You know this guy will make good on some of his threats dont wait to see if he really means if he:all kill you girl get a restraining order for you and your boyfriends sake you do not deserve this treatment and now thats hes gone e is not your problem and he doesn't deserve your friendship. I'm surprised your boyfriend hasn't left because of this insanity dont let this guy objectify and torment you...you are FREE run and never look back...no kids either you are so lucky!!!!
My ex too. These people are unstable and completely dictated by their emotions, to the point where they do not listen and do not learn. It is all about THEM and their unresolved crap.
I recently stopped dating a guy, and the main red flag was that he just didn't listen. I would say something and it's like he didn't want to hear me, he had already formed a thought or an answer in his head and he was determined to carry it out. It didn't matter what I said or brought to the relationship - his intention was to direct and control the entire thing. There was NO connection and ZERO chemistry because of this.
Point being, stay away from people who don't make the relationship a two-way street. Borderlines and other personality disordered people are so immersed in their pain (and much of the time they aren't even aware of it) that they do not even SEE you. They can't. Which can turn out to be dangerous.
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