How do people build healthy relationships with themselves?? (counselor, therapy, husband)

[Jonathanp219]

Sometimes I feel conflicted and have no idea who I am or what I want. I can't enjoy my own company, I can't make decisions effectively, and I can't interact with people outside of my comfort zone. Half the time I feel judged by others, and that in itself makes me feel uncomfortable--not with them, but myself--. I always seem to look at where the world is headed, because I feel like the demise of everyone else will be my own someday. I don't know how to build a healthy relationship with myself. How do you love yourself? How do you know what you want? How do you block the world out and focus on you?? How do you do this?? Any advice?

[Billy_J]

I think you need to discuss all these things and have another person argue with you constantly (until you get it) that it is best to not think in a negative way, rather to think positive or not care about these things.

Just this part "Half the time I feel judged by others" is a whole lesson in itself, which can take a long time for someone to learn. But basically the lesson is...

Q. What are other people thinking about you?

A. They are wondering what you are thinking about them!

(Really! Think about it.)

Anyway I would suggest counseling. With repeat visits, a counselor can get you headed in a positive direction. Just takes time is all. (Look in phone book under counseling.)

[plmokn]

Originally Posted by Jonathanp219

I can't interact with people outside of my comfort zone.
Half the time I feel judged by others,
makes me feel uncomfortable--not with them, but myself
the demise of everyone else will be my own someday.

Are you having problems with others or yourself?

[AnywhereElse]

I never really understood loving yourself. It isn't that I hate myself. I just feel neutral or content with who I am. I don't block out the rest of the world but at the same time, I really don't give a darn what they think of me or my actions anymore but that comes with maturity.

I am the black sheep/horse of a different color. You have to find a way to accept yourself by looking at what is positive about you or work on having those attributes that you desire. Who are you and who do you want to be? What attributes?

You have to take chances and you have to force yourself to make a decision one way or the other because that is how you will gain confidence. It might be that you are too afraid to make a mistake. My husband doesn't make decisions and therefore, he is never wrong but at the same time, he is never right. He just looks it like he never makes mistakes. I make the decisions and sometimes they are right and sometimes wrong but I am careful and research every detail to minimize making the wrong decision.

Who cares what others think? Why does it matter what they think? If you are quite young, this makes sense and once you break from the herd, your current group, it will get better.

If you don't love yourself, why not? What do you admire in other people, what traits?

[Jonathanp219]

Originally Posted by plmokn

Are you having problems with others or yourself?

Well quite frankly, I believe if I didn't have a problem with myself I wouldn't have a problem with other people. My problems consist of how I start to think around people. I usually give outspoken individuals too much power in conversations, I wish I was a little more fluent with my thoughts.

[Jonathanp219]

Originally Posted by AnywhereElse

I never really understood loving yourself. It isn't that I hate myself. I just feel neutral or content with who I am. I don't block out the rest of the world but at the same time, I really don't give a darn what they think of me or my actions anymore but that comes with maturity.

I am the black sheep/horse of a different color. You have to find a way to accept yourself by looking at what is positive about you or work on having those attributes that you desire. Who are you and who do you want to be? What attributes?

You have to take chances and you have to force yourself to make a decision one way or the other because that is how you will gain confidence. It might be that you are too afraid to make a mistake. My husband doesn't make decisions and therefore, he is never wrong but at the same time, he is never right. He just looks it like he never makes mistakes. I make the decisions and sometimes they are right and sometimes wrong but I am careful and research every detail to minimize making the wrong decision.

Who cares what others think? Why does it matter what they think? If you are quite young, this makes sense and once you break from the herd, your current group, it will get better.

If you don't love yourself, why not? What do you admire in other people, what traits?

I am afraid of making mistakes, growing up my mistakes were looked as horrible irreversible mishaps. I always do my best not to make mistakes because I don't want to get penalized for it. However, I worry so much about making a mistake that I end up making many of them lol.

[Miss Hepburn]

I couldn't answer you without talking about "God" or Law of Attraction, at least...
your specialness, how there is no one like you in the world...and you were
created this way and loved.
But, I don't think it is appropriate since this is in psychology.

I am not a proselityzer in any way, just an advisor on thoughts and
a practicer of thought control, big time.
Thoughts that run rampant with no rudder lead us to every known ill..
Jealousy, shame, worry, fear, indignation, despair...you name it.

The battlefield is between the ears, for sure...but YOU have the power to control
every thought in that little head of yours....hooray! We aren't these victims! Yay!

[Jonathanp219]

Originally Posted by Miss Hepburn

I couldn't answer you without talking about "God" or Law of Attraction, at least...
your specialness, how there is no one like you in the world...and you were
created this way and loved.
But, I don't think it is appropriate since this is in psychology.

I am not a proselityzer in any way, just an advisor on thoughts and
a practicer of thought control, big time.
Thoughts that run rampant with no rudder lead us to every known ill..
Jealousy, shame, worry, fear, indignation, despair...you name it.

The battlefield is between the ears, for sure...but YOU have the power to control
every thought in that little head of yours....hooray! We aren't these victims! Yay!

I do believe in the Law of Attraction, I believe it is the closest thing to God itself.
I know I have control, but that is easier said than done.

[newerabuzz]

Many people fall into relationships because they feel 'lonely' or a need for 'codependency' . Feeling self love for oneself, without the need for another person is the first step to building better friendships and possible relationships. Self awareness is the first step as well. Some people have a greater sense of developing self awareness then others-. Self awareness can also be brought about through therapy. Unhealthy relationships, friendships cause stress over time.

[cdnirene]

I've always considered self-improvement as an on-going life time goal. I've taken all sorts of self-improvement classes over the years, read books on the subject and in general tried to become a better person. I know I am a heck of a lot more tolerant and less judgmental of others now than when I was younger.

Originally Posted by Jonathanp219

Sometimes I feel conflicted and have no idea who I am or what I want. I can't enjoy my own company

I find this strange because being alone means being able to do what one wants to do. Being with other people can involve compromise. Forget about trying to love yourself for now. Focus on beginning to enjoy your own company. Surely there are things you enjoy doing that don't involve other people! What about reading, working out, listening to music or various hobbies?

I can't make decisions effectively

If you are indecisive, practice becoming more decisive and being accepting that to err is human. We really do learn from our mistakes. That means that we can learn to make better decisions.

I can't interact with people outside of my comfort zone.

Consider that a challenge. Take small steps towards widening your circle of acquaintances.

Half the time I feel judged by others, and that in itself makes me feel uncomfortable--not with them, but myself

That's a low self-esteem issue. I actively worked on overcoming my self-esteem issues when I was in my 20s. I took an assertiveness training course, read some books and practiced what I learned. I became a heck of a lot more confident about myself. I'm actually receptive now to constructive criticism. It doesn't bruise my ego which is quite healthy.

I always seem to look at where the world is headed, because I feel like the demise of everyone else will be my own someday.

Well, we are all going to die. It could be a today or it could be several decades away. Focusing on death is pointless.