Adult child of abusive parents (counselor, anxiety, therapy, mom)

[samygrl]

I never really knew how much this would effect me until now. I am now 26, married, and have 2 small children of my own. Yet I find ways to argue with my spouse, and become defensive over little things. Here is kind of my background. I was born in the bay area in CA. My parents would drink night after night, physical altercations would erupt between the two which would lead to black eyes and bruises. My bother and I would have to listen to this, while screaming for them to stop outside of our bedroom doors. My father never held a job. He would screw up his job one way or another, which would put our family in jeopardy by not paying our bills.

We ended up having to move away, since there was no income, my parents found another family member to suck the life out of. We moved to nothern CA and stayed with my dads brother. My parents got a job things were ok, but then the drinking began. Night after night. This time they wouldnt fist fight I think due to the fact that we were in someone elses home, but they would leave, To who knows where. We got our own house and in fact they bought a house, things were good. Then the drugs came in. My dad yet again screwed up his job. My brother and I didn't find out about this later but apparently he went to one of our friends houses with some meth or whatever and was trying to do some with them. I wish I could say I was shocked, but I am not.

We lost the house, cars were repo'd and we were on our asses again. My uncle wasn't willing to help since my dad screwed that up too. My dad contacted his half sister in Oregon, and we were on our way up there to live. We put all of our stuff in storage, and left for Oregon. We lived in a Motel room for almost two years. My dad didn't work. My mom worked. Going to school was not important to my parents so my bother, sister and I got way behind. My dad told me that I needed to work, so I did. I remember feeling good about it, that I could actually help our family out and not worry about where we were going to be that night, since we had to even ask the churches for help when we couldn't afford the motel room.

since my parents had the superb rental history, they forced my brother and I to sign a lease saying just him and I were living there, not knowing that they would be there to. That didn't last long since the management company found out and kicked us out. They were always late paying rent. Taking my money from me to pay bills while my father would sit at home and play games on the internet and smoke cigarettes. I remember getting on the computer to check my email and he got mad at me and threw a ceramic bowl at my head, cutting it open, I was bleeding pretty heavily, but he wouldn't take me to the hospital because he didn't want to get in trouble. Instead, my brother stayed up with me all night to make sure I was not concussed.

I ended up moving out. i couldn't handle it anymore. They would still call me and ask for money. I would most of the time hand it over, but when I wouldn't is when the verbal harassment started. He would tell me he hated me, I was a *****, he hoped I'd die ect. constant. At times I would defend myself, but it would just prolong the argument. So I figured I wasn't going to respond to any of these messages. and I didn't, thinking he would stop, but he didn't. He kept at it. He would call my husband a halfbreed since he was half Japanese. He was threatening to take my kids away from me. tell my that I cannot keep them from him, since he has grandparent rights. He is so full of ****.

About a year ago I had asked him for my DVDs I had let them borrow, he said he didn't have them, that they let one of my mothers co-workers watch them. I got a little mad and told my mom that she should have asked before letting someone else borrow my stuff. Then, my dad starts texting me that I am a selfish ***** and I will get my **** back when they get it back. The didn't let my moms co-worker borrow them, they pawned it. I know for a fact that they did. Anyways, so this starts a fight and I end up not texting him anymore because I have nothing negative to say back to his mean messages. I had had enough. I had just given birth a month ago, im emotional and hes starting his **** with me again. I called my grandparents (on my moms side, and they hate my dad for everything hes done) and I was crying telling them everything, and telling them I cant take it anymore.we ended up formulating a plan to move me back to nor cal. I have cousins and family here so it was going to be a huge change. I knew it is what I had to do to get away from them.

Within a month we were moved, The biggest set back was loosing my relationship with my sister. She is 9 years younger than me and we were close. She would come spend weekends with me ect, and I knew that would change once I moved. I had to move, this was the only way that I could feel safe, and start focusing on my family rather than when the next horrible text was going to come. My mom would always instigate it too. So before I changed my number and lost all contact with them I let them have once more shot. My dad ended up calling me at 3AM leaving me a drunk message telling me Im not normal, and I have some phsycological problems. Ive given my parents a car, endless amounts of money, a home, cell phones (which they defaulted on paying me), and all they did was **** on me.

I changed my number and haven't talked to them a year today. I am still messed up. Its hard to sit here and watch my friends and family have awesome relationships with their parents, and their parents loving them unconditionally. I still think about them, wishing things were different. It wont ever be. I will continue my life with no parents, because it is better than having them in my life. Ive tried counseling and i just get overwhelmed with it. I know I don't have it the worst, but the damage it has caused, anxiety, depression, anger, all of it. I hate it. I want my children to have a normal life.

[sirron]

Holy cow. Let me first say that a lifetime of this kind of treatment by those who are supposed to love and take care of you is a rotten hand to be dealt. And you're right, it may not be the worst scenario, and many of us have experienced it too, but its effects are deep and lasting.
I want you to concentrate on your last sentence in your post. Those little ones will prove to be your saving grace to get you through. You are lucid enough to recognize that what you endured was not normal and shouldn't be handed down to the next generation. I know my deliberate decision to live a calm and no-drama type life is a direct result of a chaotic childhood.
You sound resilient and strong. I am convinced that those of us who have had to navigate this kind of childhood somehow come out with more wisdom at a younger age than we might have gained if everything had been smooth sailing. Your decision to cut off contact is the only way to keep your sanity at this point. Your parents will probably never change, and I think you are aware of that.
Please, please don't let guilt creep in. Grab as much time for yourself as possible, although with little ones that can be challenging. Concentrate on goals, plans, dreams. Treat yourself. Help others if you can. I hope your hubby is supportive. I wish for you a future of accomplishments and serenity. You deserve to have the tide turn in your favor. I wish I could help. My best to you.

[willow wind]

What is also important to is really think about your relationship with you spouse . It's good you are picking up on your behavior with your partner.

What you're doing is repeating the pattern you learned in childhood. Silly fights over nothing, arguments for the sake of arguing, feeling slighted for minor or imaged ills, etc. This is how you grew up- this is how you saw parents relating to each other. That was your normal. You didn't see a stable, loving, calm, caring relationship between your parents. Not seeing it and not having learned it is impacting you now.

You'll have to train yourself to not repeat the pattern. Really, more counseling might be good to teach you to recognize the triggers of potential poor relationship behavior before they go off. Having grown up in a
chaotic, disorganized home, you run the risk of eventually turning into your parents. Learn to control it before it happens. Fortunately, you seem very self aware so you can really get a handle on this before it causes problems in your relationships..

[JrzDefector]

See a therapist. See a marriage counselor. Read up on good parenting practices so you don't inadvertantly repeat your parents' mistakes or, better yet, take parenting classes. Do not have any contact with your parents, unless it's to take custody of your sister.

I'm sorry for the hell you've been through, but the above are the necessary steps you need to take.

[liamscott]

ACOA and therapy helped me a whole lot, ACOA = adult children of alcoholics and there's a lot of resources online

[samygrl]

Thank you all for your feedback. I want to go to counseling, I know I need it, but financially we cannot afford it. Even with Blue Shield insurance. I cannot muster up the courage to attend any meetings. I get social anxiety really bad. I feel like I am stuck.

[bg7]

Originally Posted by samygrl

I never really knew how much this would effect me until now. I am now 26, married, and have 2 small children of my own. Yet I find ways to argue with my spouse, and become defensive over little things. Here is kind of my background. I was born in the bay area in CA. My parents would drink night after night, physical altercations would erupt between the two which would lead to black eyes and bruises. My bother and I would have to listen to this, while screaming for them to stop outside of our bedroom doors. My father never held a job. He would screw up his job one way or another, which would put our family in jeopardy by not paying our bills.

We ended up having to move away, since there was no income, my parents found another family member to suck the life out of. We moved to nothern CA and stayed with my dads brother. My parents got a job things were ok, but then the drinking began. Night after night. This time they wouldnt fist fight I think due to the fact that we were in someone elses home, but they would leave, To who knows where. We got our own house and in fact they bought a house, things were good. Then the drugs came in. My dad yet again screwed up his job. My brother and I didn't find out about this later but apparently he went to one of our friends houses with some meth or whatever and was trying to do some with them. I wish I could say I was shocked, but I am not.

We lost the house, cars were repo'd and we were on our asses again. My uncle wasn't willing to help since my dad screwed that up too. My dad contacted his half sister in Oregon, and we were on our way up there to live. We put all of our stuff in storage, and left for Oregon. We lived in a Motel room for almost two years. My dad didn't work. My mom worked. Going to school was not important to my parents so my bother, sister and I got way behind. My dad told me that I needed to work, so I did. I remember feeling good about it, that I could actually help our family out and not worry about where we were going to be that night, since we had to even ask the churches for help when we couldn't afford the motel room.

since my parents had the superb rental history, they forced my brother and I to sign a lease saying just him and I were living there, not knowing that they would be there to. That didn't last long since the management company found out and kicked us out. They were always late paying rent. Taking my money from me to pay bills while my father would sit at home and play games on the internet and smoke cigarettes. I remember getting on the computer to check my email and he got mad at me and threw a ceramic bowl at my head, cutting it open, I was bleeding pretty heavily, but he wouldn't take me to the hospital because he didn't want to get in trouble. Instead, my brother stayed up with me all night to make sure I was not concussed.

I ended up moving out. i couldn't handle it anymore. They would still call me and ask for money. I would most of the time hand it over, but when I wouldn't is when the verbal harassment started. He would tell me he hated me, I was a *****, he hoped I'd die ect. constant. At times I would defend myself, but it would just prolong the argument. So I figured I wasn't going to respond to any of these messages. and I didn't, thinking he would stop, but he didn't. He kept at it. He would call my husband a halfbreed since he was half Japanese. He was threatening to take my kids away from me. tell my that I cannot keep them from him, since he has grandparent rights. He is so full of ****.

About a year ago I had asked him for my DVDs I had let them borrow, he said he didn't have them, that they let one of my mothers co-workers watch them. I got a little mad and told my mom that she should have asked before letting someone else borrow my stuff. Then, my dad starts texting me that I am a selfish ***** and I will get my **** back when they get it back. The didn't let my moms co-worker borrow them, they pawned it. I know for a fact that they did. Anyways, so this starts a fight and I end up not texting him anymore because I have nothing negative to say back to his mean messages. I had had enough. I had just given birth a month ago, im emotional and hes starting his **** with me again. I called my grandparents (on my moms side, and they hate my dad for everything hes done) and I was crying telling them everything, and telling them I cant take it anymore.we ended up formulating a plan to move me back to nor cal. I have cousins and family here so it was going to be a huge change. I knew it is what I had to do to get away from them.

Within a month we were moved, The biggest set back was loosing my relationship with my sister. She is 9 years younger than me and we were close. She would come spend weekends with me ect, and I knew that would change once I moved. I had to move, this was the only way that I could feel safe, and start focusing on my family rather than when the next horrible text was going to come. My mom would always instigate it too. So before I changed my number and lost all contact with them I let them have once more shot. My dad ended up calling me at 3AM leaving me a drunk message telling me Im not normal, and I have some psycological problems. Ive given my parents a car, endless amounts of money, a home, cell phones (which they defaulted on paying me), and all they did was **** on me.

I changed my number and haven't talked to them a year today. I am still messed up. Its hard to sit here and watch my friends and family have awesome relationships with their parents, and their parents loving them unconditionally. I still think about them, wishing things were different. It wont ever be. I will continue my life with no parents, because it is better than having them in my life. Ive tried counseling and i just get overwhelmed with it. I know I don't have it the worst, but the damage it has caused, anxiety, depression, anger, all of it. I hate it. I want my children to have a normal life.

At which point you should have said yes, thank you for endowing me with those and immersing me in it by your failure to be an adult when you had a family, your failure to concentrate on your children's needs instread of indulging your own acting-out and your momumental desertion of your duties as a father. But as part of my self-aware, active behavior in trying to not to bestow this on my children, I'm letting you go.

Seriously, look into assisted-cost therapy, or sliding-scale therapy. Stick with it, its hard. So is running a marathon, but you owe it to you and you owe it to your children.

[samygrl]

Im a student at UofP so Im going to see what they have as far as counseling. I was able to find something on there, I submitted my information. Someone should be calling me or emailing me soon about setting up an appointment. I just feel like I cant live this angry life anymore. Its bullS*** that we were handed this card.

[bg7]

Originally Posted by samygrl

Im a student at UofP so Im going to see what they have as far as counseling. I was able to find something on there, I submitted my information. Someone should be calling me or emailing me soon about setting up an appointment. I just feel like I cant live this angry life anymore. Its bullS*** that we were handed this card.

Yea, that rage is in you and really only you and a professional can get it out or at least control it when it rises up.

Being handed a crummy card is what billions of people have been given though, so thought patterns like you're being "picked on" or this is "not fair" are not helpful. That kind of thinking is some of the thinking you need to control, divert and not feed. It is valueless and destructive. The past is the past - its only relevant for understanding how you got here. There's no use holding any grudges or anger to your parents - they were likely dealt a similar hand themselves.

Active rational steps to help you control your emotions and thinking, and consequent actions - that's where its at. One word of advice - There are plenty of passive, unhelpful therapists. You may need to move around to find someone good. If your therapist says things that you find discomforting, discusses difficult truths, don't give up on them - when its real, it is hard work.

[Missingatlanta]

You did the right thing by getting away from your parents. I would have nothing more to do with them. Noone can help the family they were born into, we all have to make do with the cards we are dealt. Unfortunately you were born into a family with serious issues. The good thing is you recognize your upbringing as dysfunctional. Resolve to be a good parent and not subject your children to this same upbringing, because a lot of times these types of situations turn generational.

I'm not sure if you are religious but my pastor used to always say the first step in healing from being done wrong by someone is to truly forgive. Not that you are condoning what the person did, but that forgiveness would allow you to let go of the hate, anger, and sadness in your heart which can end up overtaking your life.

If you can't afford counseling, there are plenty of books that you can purchase on forgiveness and healing from trauma also. Or go to your library.