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op, I haven't read all the responses but I did read your entire post and while I can't diagnose, and no one should without seeing you in person and doing a complete and in depth work up what you wrote sounds like someone with a lot of bpd traits. That said, while reading it I found myself thinking, 'oh my' frequently, and feeling very sad and overwhelmed. It has to be very difficult to live with such emotional dysregulation and have others not comprehend that you don't want to behave that way but feel helpless to control your emotions, which rule your behavior.
Seeking help is a great idea, there are a few therapies that help - but as I tell patients therapy is like shoes, you must find the right fit. If can go to the world's best therapist but if it's not a good fit for you it's a waste of time. Meds can help but they are not the answer and can have serious side effects. Also, in both cases, please try to remember that whatever choice you make you are not agreeing to an amputation, you can always change your mind and make another choice. If you don't care for the therapy or therapist you can try another. However, give it a good try before deciding, a few months at least.
As I read your story I could see my own. I grew up in a silent home and felt invisible as well. I still struggle when I feel invalidated, my knee jerk reaction is anger. It used to be blinding rage. And although I still feel the flash of anger I no longer act on it. I rarely act on any emotion as soon as I experience it and I find that most pass quickly. Learning to do that has literally saved my life, it is also much more manageable and enjoyable.
There may also be physical issues that should be addressed, far too often that aspect is forgotten when a patient has a psychiatric diagnosis. You may have to be a medical detective, consider any chronic physical complaints you have and address them as well. Once I addressed my physical issues my life improved immensely.
I hope you find help and your life becomes more manageable and you find the peace and joy you deserve.
One of the most difficult things regarding complex mental health and behavioral disorders is when you mix chemical abuse with them. The clinical term is "Dual-diagnosis." Only until you are completely sober for at least a year will you begin to be able to begin a solid program of really searching with a professional to identify the real issues you are dealing with. It takes that long for the brain to heal and regain a sense of "reality" for other meds and counseling to begin to develop a solid foundation to grow upon.
This is not to say that consistently seeing a Psychiatrist and a Counselor before you are sober for more than a year is not an absolute necessity. They can be a life line and direction to others that can support you.
The tough fact is that it may take time for the right meds and treatment to work. Also, it may take time for you to find the right Psychiatrist and counselor with which to work. Just because "things do not feel perfect" does not mean you have not found the right people. They should be compassionate and very well educated, understanding and supportive. But, more than anything else, they need to be a challenge for you. They need to challenge you to excel. They will ask you to do hard things that are not comfortable.
When I read your description of yourself, I found part of me - except I am a guy. I did not have all the issues you did, but I had some you described and others you did not. Believe it or not, I was a Clinical Psychologist with many of the same issues you described while I was trying to help others. I was "called on the carpet" by family, and the aftermath of my behavior. I began my own journey and it took a good 10 years of work to become comfortable again (or for the first time).
I knew too much of the language and the process to start a real healing within myself. That was probably my biggest road block in the beginning.
First, throw out all that you know or think you know (except for the understanding that you have issues and they need to be addressed very seriously), then begin the search for a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist. Go to the public mental health system at first if money is an issue. If you are on Medicare, you may be able to find a private Dr. Regardless, find someone and stay with them. Tell them that you are making a commitment to stay with them. Set some goals for progress with your Dr. Let your Dr. help you set those goals.
Do not be abject to meds, but again, give them time enough to make a difference. Always keep a journal as to what is going on with you - day to day, and sometimes hour to hour.
Finally, and PLEASE remember this: it took 36 years to get where you are. You can't expect overnight results. That is what makes this so difficult for most people. Things got much, much better for me, but I had a mother that held my feet to the fire. Find someone that will do the same.
If you will notice, I am not commenting at all on what is going on with you. I really could not begin to suggest the exact things that are happening. I just know what has helped me and most others with the type of problems you are describing!
You have to commit to yourself a very structured (I hate that word!) system of therapy, and create a support system that keeps you going. From all that I have learned, it is the only thing that works. Even in very simple cases, it is the only things that works. Please try to do these things. You are in my prayers.
And, IT IS HARD WORK TO GET WELL. KNOW THAT, GET SUPPORT TO STAY ON TRACK AND DO IT A DAY AT A TIME!
I have a BDP mother who denies it... as a result of dealing with her mess growing up, I've had to take stock of my own psych health now that I'm a mother so I don't transfer "crazy" onto my wonderful girl.
There is an excellent (and I do mean excellent) woman I follow on Twitter by the name of Shari Schreiber. She is a counselor and is an expert on BDP (what she primarily treats). Unfortunately, she does not accept insurance, but my advice to you is to read her webpage, follow her on twitter and if what she writes resonates with you, reach out to her and see if she can work out some type of payment plan for her services. She will counsel over the phone.
You can fix certain issues and learn to effectively manage the rest! Do it so you can have a decent life and do it for either your existing or future children!!
I too sounded a lot like you I think I had borderline personality disorder. I said had because I stated on large doses of niacin and it has helped a great deal. look up Dr Hoffer niacin therapy doctoryourself.com From what I understand niacin resets the brain. I too thought it was too simple but it works, my mind is no longer racing it is so calm. When I feel a rage coming on I take 500mg of niacin and it calms me down.
You won't do meds or therapy, but you'll post online to a bunch of anonymous strangers seeking a diagnosis? Seriously?
You know what you need to do to get yourself on the right track. Stop fishing for handholding and platitudes online and get on with the real work of getting well.
You don't understand BPD at all, this is exactly the wrong thing to say. It is a very different animal from other mental/emotional/personality disorders.
What you have just said there is akin to telling a cancer patient to stop being a drama queen and just shake it off already.
Last edited by Mel Gibson's Pants; 07-01-2014 at 09:02 AM..
One of the most difficult things regarding complex mental health and behavioral disorders is when you mix chemical abuse with them. The clinical term is "Dual-diagnosis." Only until you are completely sober for at least a year will you begin to be able to begin a solid program of really searching with a professional to identify the real issues you are dealing with. It takes that long for the brain to heal and regain a sense of "reality" for other meds and counseling to begin to develop a solid foundation to grow upon.
This is not to say that consistently seeing a Psychiatrist and a Counselor before you are sober for more than a year is not an absolute necessity. They can be a life line and direction to others that can support you.
The tough fact is that it may take time for the right meds and treatment to work. Also, it may take time for you to find the right Psychiatrist and counselor with which to work. Just because "things do not feel perfect" does not mean you have not found the right people. They should be compassionate and very well educated, understanding and supportive. But, more than anything else, they need to be a challenge for you. They need to challenge you to excel. They will ask you to do hard things that are not comfortable.
When I read your description of yourself, I found part of me - except I am a guy. I did not have all the issues you did, but I had some you described and others you did not. Believe it or not, I was a Clinical Psychologist with many of the same issues you described while I was trying to help others. I was "called on the carpet" by family, and the aftermath of my behavior. I began my own journey and it took a good 10 years of work to become comfortable again (or for the first time).
I knew too much of the language and the process to start a real healing within myself. That was probably my biggest road block in the beginning.
First, throw out all that you know or think you know (except for the understanding that you have issues and they need to be addressed very seriously), then begin the search for a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist. Go to the public mental health system at first if money is an issue. If you are on Medicare, you may be able to find a private Dr. Regardless, find someone and stay with them. Tell them that you are making a commitment to stay with them. Set some goals for progress with your Dr. Let your Dr. help you set those goals.
Do not be abject to meds, but again, give them time enough to make a difference. Always keep a journal as to what is going on with you - day to day, and sometimes hour to hour.
Finally, and PLEASE remember this: it took 36 years to get where you are. You can't expect overnight results. That is what makes this so difficult for most people. Things got much, much better for me, but I had a mother that held my feet to the fire. Find someone that will do the same.
If you will notice, I am not commenting at all on what is going on with you. I really could not begin to suggest the exact things that are happening. I just know what has helped me and most others with the type of problems you are describing!
You have to commit to yourself a very structured (I hate that word!) system of therapy, and create a support system that keeps you going. From all that I have learned, it is the only thing that works. Even in very simple cases, it is the only things that works. Please try to do these things. You are in my prayers.
And, IT IS HARD WORK TO GET WELL. KNOW THAT, GET SUPPORT TO STAY ON TRACK AND DO IT A DAY AT A TIME!
The bolded is why I had to give up on trying to "treat" my BPD, and resort to managing it through the abuse of substances, spending most of my time alone and avoiding relationships of any depth.
It's a sad way to live, but I feel it's what I can handle.
Moongirl, I went thru stuff thru my life and I have the same effects as some of what you are now going thru.
all that just damaged you, it has hurt you, no wonder you react the way you do.. you have been hurt. what you are doing is trying to protect yourself because you know what has hurt you in the past. it may not be the best ways but its the way you know how.
it may be spirituality is one answer, you being atheist do not want God or religion, but people do Tai Chi or Zen stuff or even go out in nature and feel healing effects of water, lakes, trees, grass, fields, corn, flowers, etc, its spiritual but not religious, and it can give you calmness at least. calmess is something that helps us feel a sense of being healthy and being able to cope thru the day, even though you have a lot of junk and hurt and scars on you. And seeing nature and being in it has a HUGE healing effect, go out to a field of grass on a warm summer day and just sit there and just feel everything around you.
you just have to heal the scars one at a time, and you may go thru life with the scars, but they wont hurt as bad and some wont hurt any more, as you begin to heal them one at a time.
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Interesting alternative perspective
