Scapegoats I know you are estranged to your parents but whats your relationship to golden child like?Any resentment? (therapy, depressed)
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I never thought there was, but recently my brother has been through some troubles and my mom has been all over the "poor little baby" thing. Any time something has gone wrong in my life, it's my fault. And my resentment of her, my brother, my stepdad, and pretty much the rest of my family has all come to a head. There is a loooot of resentment there and because my brother is now engaged and planning to get married this year, I'm already dreading the thought of having to go to the wedding even though I'm happy for him.
I wanted to add, this kid had everything friggin' handed to him from birth. My mom hated that I looked like my dad and my brother and my two cousins looked almost exactly like her and her two brothers so I was always the outcast. It didn't help that I was the only girl. My uncles and aunts and grandparents always loved me but they always lived far away and my grandparents have both been gone for quite some time now. I have one family friend who is like a grandmother to me and she's the only person I trust anymore.
My brother was babied growing up, he got birthday parties, brand new spanking vehicles cosigned by my mom so he was paying for them, but he'd trade them in at least once a month for something more expensive. My mom sorely regretted that decision though, she was pretty pissed when he declared bankruptcy a few years ago lol. When he graduated from college it was more like he got inaugurated it was such a big deal, even though I was literally the first in my whole family to graduate from college. He lived there rent-free for years after high school.
She has been bragging about him for the past week on facebook since it's been his birthday and he just got engaged. She's always bragged about him to our far-away family members and I'm pretty sure they've forgotten that I even exist. I want so badly to move away from these people, but I'm pretty much stuck here.
Osito. I can so relate. My brother is in his 60's, lives in the house we grew up in and until about 3 years ago when my mom just *gave* him the house, effectively taking it out of the trust without even telling me, ($450,000 house) he never paid rent or had one living expense that she didn't cover. He filed bankruptcy twice before he was 45 and she was probably thrilled because it gave her more of an opportunity to support him.
I, otoh, not only have been treated like crap my whole life, but things got significantly worse when I - #1, started to refuse to take money from her and #2, got married. She has never wanted us to be independent beings, she's sabotaged our every success, so she could feel, I don't know, useful or something.
I've always been the responsible one, I dragged my backside up and down this state for 30 years taking care of her after my dad died, while he never lifted a finger, but none of that was good enough. I'm so effing done with it all.
........... Would you go to the funeral of parents or the golden child?
I have this reoccurring nightmare where I am at the funeral of my mother and I am asked to get up and speak and I can't think of even one nice thing to say about her.
Decades ago, I made the decision to stop putting so much effort into trying to be accepted into the family. As far as I can tell, nobody ever noticed that I walked away from them.
But on the plus side, I can take care of myself and I am successful and happy with my life. I certainly never miss all the lying and drama, guilt and manipulation.
Last edited by oregonwoodsmoke; 01-31-2014 at 12:09 PM..
Osito. I can so relate. My brother is in his 60's, lives in the house we grew up in and until about 3 years ago when my mom just *gave* him the house, effectively taking it out of the trust without even telling me, ($450,000 house) he never paid rent or had one living expense that she didn't cover. He filed bankruptcy twice before he was 45 and she was probably thrilled because it gave her more of an opportunity to support him.
I, otoh, not only have been treated like crap my whole life, but things got significantly worse when I - #1, started to refuse to take money from her and #2, got married. She has never wanted us to be independent beings, she's sabotaged our every success, so she could feel, I don't know, useful or something.
I've always been the responsible one, I dragged my backside up and down this state for 30 years taking care of her after my dad died, while he never lifted a finger, but none of that was good enough. I'm so effing done with it all.
I'm sorry to hear that, but glad for you that you've managed to think for yourself and stay independent of their nonsense. Nothing is a bigger middle finger to a dysfunctional family than independence and success.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke
I have this reoccurring nightmare where I am at the funeral of my mother and I am asked to get up and speak and I can't think of even one nice thing to say about her.
Decades ago, I made the decision to stop putting so much effort into trying to be accepted into the family. As far as I can tell, nobody ever noticed that I walked away from them.
But on the plus side, I can take care of myself and I am successful and happy with my life. I certainly never miss all the lying and drama, guilt and manipulation.
If you are a scapegoat, chances you loathe your parents and maybe are estranged from them. Now, how do you feel about the golden child? Do you resent them? Do you even talk to them? Would you go to the funeral of parents or the golden child?
Try being the scapegoat AND the hero/golden child. It is the WORST feeling, and I would rather be the scapegoat only, because when you are the scapegoat, you can simply walk away and not feel anything. When you are the hero, it is in you to want to stay to try to "fix" the dysfunctional family. I find myself trying to protect my little cousins from afar on FB (I can't bring myself to see them face to face). Both my parents pushed their kids for perfection. I was always a bright kid and made straight A's, until the age of 10 (when my mother met my stepfather). Things went downhill. Because of his emotional abuse, my grades plummeted. I suddenly went from being praised, and receiving gold rings and random gifts, to being beaten and whipped (3-5 times a day) with a stitch-n-cord for 5 years straight. It is a wonder that I am still mentally sane and successful. Things got so bad, that CPS was called, numerous times. It went from that to my mother depriving me of food. She would buy a meal from Cracker Barrel, and then feed me HALF of the plate. That would be the only thing I ate for the rest of day. The cupboards were always bare (despite the fact that she was a nurse, and my stepfather worked at Ford Motor Company). They would even try to restrict how much water I drunk. My mother would make me do mundane task, such as cooking, washing the walls of the house, picking weeds around the house in 100 degree weather, cutting the grass, etc. I would have to wear the same clothes everyday because she refused to buy me school clothes. Since I was the only child, and my father was emotionally/physically absent, there was no one to protect me from these monsters.
It didn't end there. My mother would then force me to visit my father...for the whole summer. Since My mother is BPD, and my father is a convert narcissist, he picked up where she left off, only the abuse was emotional, not physical. The only time my father would call me was to complain and ***** about his wife (scapegoats are often used as sounding boards). When I would go to visit, my stepmother and stepsister would complain to my father if I farted too loud. Interactions between my father and stepmother were limited to finding ways to solve my "issues". I would wash the dishes, and the dishes were not clean enough. What really pissed me off is when my father would brag about my talents and educational acheivements to anyone with an ear, but would put me down and belittle me behind closed doors. He NEVER had a hand in me attending college and didn't do ONE thing to help while in school. When I graduated, I did not invite him to the graduation. I removed myself from the family completely, and when I left, things fell apart. My stepmother and father split, both of my sisters got pregnant young before finishing school, and a list of other things. My grandmother (the one who assigns roles along with my eldest aunt) ranked me above other relatives because I was educated, yet they still set me up to be humiliated and ridiculed.
THE GOLDEN CHILD
The eldest aunt that assist my grandmother in assigning roles to the family; her daughter is the "golden child" because she is in the entertainment industry and has had moderate success. One of the things that the family does is try to pit the golden child against the scapegoat...BUT, since I am the scapegoat AND second hero/golden child, this has become tricky for the family to do. I also have been absent for over 7 years, so my aunt and grandmother are DESPERATE to invite me back in the fold to see where to place me on the "pecking order". The last time I called my grandmother, she kept asking me over and over; what is my occupation, do I live alone, what type of car do I drive....etc. LOL
I believe that because of the abuse I have endured in my life, I am either a high functioning BPD (like my mother)...but more than likely, a possible narcissist. I cannot STAND my parents and have a deep-rooted hate for BOTH of them. Mostly towards my mother because of the pain and physical abuse I have endured from her. I found myself spewing out on Facebook how much I hate them both...much to the surprise of my family (on my father's side). I always seemed to have it together, so it shocked them that I was sooooooo...............angry. I do resent the "main golden child", but mostly because she allowed her mother to manipulate her into hating me. For her to be so educated, she sure behaves like a ditzy blonde. I connected with her one time, when she confided in me; one day we were walking together at a family picnic, and she said to me, "Cousin, my mother has done some CRAZY stuff to me." (she looked me dead in the eye while saying this). When I feel resentment towards her, I always think of that moment.
I find myself bringing up my mother's abuse over the phone, usually through a text. Last night I sent a text saying; "Hello, mother, the lady with BPD".....I felt bad about it later, but it just goes to show how much sane, normal adults resent and hate their parents. It is truly sad, but I turned out well anyway...and I flaught it to these monsters every chance I get.
Osito, I can so relate to your post. My mother divorced my father when I was 1 1/2. I look just like him, in every respect. She couldn't stand him, and I am the benefactor of her dislike. Although my brother looks like his dad, he does have her blue eyes and general skin coloring, so that in her eyes makes his special...he is also a boy, and my mother always puts men first.
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