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Nice bit of analysis there. To put it another way though, the gender neutral description of myself is only because 1) I don't want to be male and 2) I don't feel that I would ever pass as female. I would love to wake up one morning and be my chosen gender, but it won't happen. I have thought about many of the things you mentioned in your post for many many years, only to no avail. The monster I see in the mirror prevents that and such thoughts end up doing more harm than good, as it's tantamount to showing a starving person just pictures of food.
So I am only gender neutral because I can never be the gender I was supposed to be. I don't have the guts, so I will just see this existence out for as long as I can and try to isolate myself from the human race as best I can.
Whoops - I posted my previous reply after only reading part of the way through the thread. Sorry about that!
So you really have the spirit of a female, but the body of a male, and feel that because of your height and possibly other factors, you can never pass as a biological female. Well, while 6 feet 5 is rather tall for a woman, I am sure there are a few that tall walking around. I know one cisgender woman who is 6 feet 4.
No one can tell you whether you should transition or not. But please know that transpeople come in all shapes and sizes, and many don't necessarily pass. And regardless of whether they do or not, the ones least concerned with passing are the happiest.
Still, if nothing else, I recommend seeking out other transgender and gender-neutral people as I mentioned above. Having friends and others in your life who know exactly what you're going through can make a world of difference in how you feel. I would also say it's a good idea to seek out a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria, even if you don't plan to transition. I do not know if you have already talked to one, but if you have not, that could be the reason why, as you mentioned, none of the ones you've seen have been able to help you.
No matter how alone you feel, please know that you are not. There are others in the same boat, and who are and have been where you are. Hopefully, that's at least some consolation. From your posts here on CD you sound like a pretty good sort. Here's hoping your journey takes a happier turn really soon.
I have actually done all you suggested. About 4!years ago, I came the closest I've ever come to what you would consider coming out. I did seek out the people you mentioned, I saw a therapist several times who actually told me after several sessions that I should give hormone treatment some thought as there is no other way to fix this. I chickened out. Insecurity about my height, fear of losing my job, losing the few friends I have and the guilt and shame that goes along with it all, so I re-buried it and of course, I am miserable as a result and contemplate death far more than I contemplate living. I even tried to tell my parents once, my mother thought I was gay LOL. No disrespect to gay people, but if that had been the case, I would have felt 1,000 times more comfortable with telling people.
So I am not gender neutral at all. I just don't know what else to call myself. I don't seem to belong with any particular group, which is why I live in my own world and prefer to be out of the limelight and left alone. Any changes to my appearance would just make me more noticeable and I would probably be too afraid to leave my apartment.
Oh and sexuality. I tend to think that had my mind and soul been in sync with my body, I would definitely lean towards being attracted to males more than females. I don't even look at females with any type of attraction. It's just envy. So I choose not to be interested in love, sex or romance. I do have a low libido anyway, so it's really not a problem (only other people see it as a problem).
I know I'm not alone, but I choose to be. I cannot have conventional friends when I don't even know where I'd fit in. Being biologically male, male friendships always seemed like I was faking it and the girlfriends I've had I left, not because of them, but because I couldn't stand being the man in the relationship and I was a terrible actor in the sense of trying to pull it off.
I admire transgender people a lot who get to be themselves. They have the courage that I don't have and will likely never have. I've met quite a few and they are far from the weirdos that society makes them out to be. I am too much of a coward and that's how it is. I fear what people think and what people will do and say to me to the extreme.
I am 6'5. Trust me, it plays on my mind daily, towering over everyone and feeling like some sort of freak on stilts (because my legs are disproportionately long compared to my torso).
My issue is very much my gender though. Being tall has basically prevented me from trying to fix that. I have mulled over it many times and there's no fixing this. No amount of talking about it, therapy or pills will make any difference. I loathe my body, my appearance in general. There is absolutely no chance of me being content this way, never mind happy. My confidence is shot anyway from years of bullying and personal failure. I'm only here because I am too much of a coward to commit suicide, so I do my best to exist in my own world, in my own hole and away from people.
Do you have a very masculine face? Keep in mind many trans-women never look truly convincing, no matter how much they do.
Honestly, I think much of the problem is in your mind. These days, you're not really treated gender specifically all that much. Why is gender even such a big deal, I don't get it. Just live your life, we all, male and female, have the same needs, wants.etc in life, just be happy.
Do you have a very masculine face? Keep in mind many trans-women never look truly convincing, no matter how much they do.
Honestly, I think much of the problem is in your mind. These days, you're not really treated gender specifically all that much. Why is gender even such a big deal, I don't get it. Just live your life, we all, male and female, have the same needs, wants.etc in life, just be happy.
I don't have masculine features in general. I'm oretty skinny, I don't have broad shoulders, virtually no body hair. I'm just way too tall.
Certainly not in my head. This is very real. The only 2 options are to continue to keep it buried or open Pandora's Box and go the full distance.
I don't think I need help regarding the asexuality thing. I'm actually content being this way. A sex drive would simply be problematic. I have talked to many professionals. There's really no solution because the big obstacle (pun intended) is my height. Many people (male) would kill to be tall, but being tall has caused nothing but an adulthood of misery in ways that few people could ever even begin to understand. No amount of therapy or pills will ever help. Trust me on that and perhaps give it some thought next time you comment on someone's height.
I try never to comment on people's attributes, except in a positive way. I do not doubt that you have sought help and that you feel OK with having no sex drive. What I am suggesting is that you find a more constructive way to think about yourself. Your posts sound very negative. You sound depressed, or angry or sad. This is a lousy way to be. If you don't want input on your situation, why do you post queries? If you want change, you will have to be the one to change. That is how the world works.
I want to wish you well, but I probably won't be responding to your posts again. I have felt great empathy toward you, but I discern that you do not wish to change.
I have actually done all you suggested. About 4!years ago, I came the closest I've ever come to what you would consider coming out. I did seek out the people you mentioned, I saw a therapist several times who actually told me after several sessions that I should give hormone treatment some thought as there is no other way to fix this. I chickened out. Insecurity about my height, fear of losing my job, losing the few friends I have and the guilt and shame that goes along with it all, so I re-buried it and of course, I am miserable as a result and contemplate death far more than I contemplate living. I even tried to tell my parents once, my mother thought I was gay LOL. No disrespect to gay people, but if that had been the case, I would have felt 1,000 times more comfortable with telling people.
I admire transgender people a lot who get to be themselves. They have the courage that I don't have and will likely never have. I've met quite a few and they are far from the weirdos that society makes them out to be. I am too much of a coward and that's how it is. I fear what people think and what people will do and say to me to the extreme.
I can actually relate to what it feels like to have to keep who you really are to yourself. I am actually gay and a few years ago, both lived and worked in VERY conservative environments. It sucked beyond the telling of it! It was just so... stifling. I felt like I was wasting my life. These days, I am pretty much out, but it was a very slow process. I mostly just bring it up when it seems germane to the conversation at hand or when I'm asked about it. Otherwise, I just be myself and let people think what they want. I can see how it's different for you, though.
Oh, and no offense taken! I actually think you are right about the increased stigma that still surrounds trans people. Being trans is still so misunderstood, even by a few gay people. Some other cultures, both past and present, were/are so much more accepting than ours is. But I remain optimistic that things are going to get better.
I admire the courage of trans people, too. They go through so much just to be who they are! I know one trans woman who transitioned while going to college. She's completely and legally a woman now, but the journey from there to here wasn't easy. No one ever attacked her, but a few shouted slurs at her from moving cars and so on, and a couple messed with her car while it was parked at school. She was denied a couple of jobs for being trans (of course, no one ever SAYS that's why she doesn't get them, but it's pretty apparent). But she now has a good job, and a partner who's a trans man, and she's a lot happier than she was.
I'm still close friends with a transwoman I met a couple of years ago when I almost got to the point where I may well have gone down that route. She's a great person and she's the only person in my life who truly understands what I'm going through and what I've gone through. She has always tried to encourage me to pursue that avenue, but I don't have her courage or confidence, nor do I live in a place where I would feel safe trying to feminze my appearance beyond the very small steps I take.
What I don't like is how many people associate transgender people with pedophiles and perverts, confusing them with crossdresserrs. Those I've met were all just good, kind and gentle people just trying to live their lives and finally be happy. Until the stigma can be banished, I don't see much changing. The internet has probably helped make people more aware and has opened up more channels of resources than there was say 20 years ago, but it's still a subject that many people are uncomfortable with and do not understand.
Although gay and trans are different wires, there is & was a common struggle, which is most likely why LGBT are grouped together.
As much as inaction is slowly killing me, I cannot take that plunge. I have a job that pays me fairly well for the fact that I have few qualifications, I have few friends and virtually no support system at all beyond email contact. I have way too many hangups about my outward appearance and I already deal with a level of social anxiety that makes it very challenging to even get out of bed and do day-to-day stuff, never mind if my appearance were to attract even more unwanted attention.
On another note, I could see how a transman and transwoman could have a beautiful relationship. That's another idea I would have entertained. It would be the best of several worlds rather than just the best of both worlds.
So I live my life in dreams and I am happy that my friend can live the kind of life I would have wanted.
Anyone here who feels that they don't want to be their gender of birth, but don't want to be the other gender either? I am one of those people. Are there any options for people like me? Do gender neutral communities exist?
Eunuchs. If you remove the testes from a male, they stop producing testosterone, and become effectively genderless. But they also need hormones of one gender or another, or bone loss (think, old people) occurs. This is the sort of surgery I want. I'm tired of constantly being horny when I'm attracted to a woman, when I actually just want an emotionally close relationship without all that turmoil. Well, that, and I have alot of other hangups, and I'm into crossdressing, so it just sort of makes sense together.
I'm planning on getting an orchiectomy. From what I've heard, after that, if I wanna become a woman, adding estrogen actually has more of an impact.
Last edited by bulmabriefs144; 02-28-2014 at 10:09 AM..
I will not pretend to understand your pain but, I do wonder if in addition to your gender issues, you have a true body dysmorphic syndrome. Perhaps you might seek out another therapist who has more expertise dealing with both gender and body dysmorphic disorders? I do wonder if you have been treated for depression since you are clearly very unhappy? I guess I say this because you have said repeatedly that you are so unhappy that you would commit suicide if you weren't afraid to do so. But perhaps medication and a good therapist could help you first address you body dysmorphia, and then tackle the gender issue? I don't have any answers but it sounds as if you have nothing to lose by seeking out therapy again. I'm sorry you feel so ashamed to even talk about how you feel. But we all have value on this earth and although your experiences may have made you feel otherwise, you deserve love and respect just as we all do. I hope you will try to get some help. Often we are our own worst enemy but you deserve more out of life.
Best of luck.
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I actually think you are right about the increased stigma that still surrounds trans people. Being trans is still so misunderstood, even by a few gay people. Some other cultures, both past and present, were/are so much more accepting than ours is. But I remain optimistic that things are going to get better. 
