Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathanp219
For years now, I've been wanting to fight people because of this underlining anger I've had since my youth. I can't think of anyway to let go of this anger besides through violence. I feel like I'll never be happy until I get this out of my system. Exercise don't work, martial arts wouldn't work, nothing. I feel like this is something that has been engraved in me, like I HAVE to do this or I'll never be able to sleep well at night. I have very horrible thoughts of people from my past, thoughts that I wouldn't want to express here. Anyway, has anyone felt feelings like this to these lengths, if so, what did you do about them? I can't imagine, waking up one morning, without thinking of the people I seriously want to hurt from my past. These feelings have built up for the last 13 years.
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A human soul is like a piece of clay, waiting to be shaped into something. Or like a blank piece of paper on which someone could write instructions.
The people around us and the circumstances shape us, write on us, make us who we are.
Therefore, it's not really OUR fault per say when we turn out the way we are.
We are programmed to react to circumstances and to people around us and our body (psyche) does the best job it can to properly respond.
A human soul is designed to copy behavior it observes. Most people are like little copy machines. But some souls are "rebellious" and produce new patterns of behavior (which society usually doesn't like), instead of copying.
If someone constantly abuses us, some weaker souls do not have the power to resist it and as a result grow up to be abusers themselves.
A child who hated the father who abused him, grows up and starts to abuse his own child. Just like a little copy machine. And one would say: why? Why do the very thing you hated when others did to you?
It's because humans do not have as much free will as they would like to believe. When a human makes a choice, it's mostly their body's decision, a kind of a subconscious decision. It was done for you. Before you even had time to think about it. (It's of course much more complicated, but essentially humans just act out their programming.)
So, I am sorry that your parents have programmed you to want to be violent... It's a heavy burden to bear when you actually don't want to be this way. It's tough to live when you don't like yourself.
I watched a show called "being human" where these two people, a vampire and a werewolf had to struggle against the "beast" part of their nature, trying to be good. It was hard for them. It was hard to watch temptation come and them having to fight so hard to just stay "good".
Some naturally "good" people don't understand how hard it could be for some to fight off their bad tendencies. So they are judgemental. They think that everybody can be "good". But what they don't know is that life has shaped them this way because of genes/environment. It's not their own doing. They are just pawns of random chance and they happened to be shaped as "good". It's nothing to be boastful about. They should be grateful that they don't have to fight so hard to be good. For them, it comes naturally.
It's like in this little story. One guy gave lots of money to some charitable organization. He was a nice person. The other guy had a very tough life, he was a street person, all tough and grouchy. But he was nice to a kitten. And then the observer asked: which guy are you more proud of? The person who knew both said: I am more proud of the guy who was nice to a kitten because it took lots of power for him to react this way when everything in him was against it. But the other guy, he was raised in a good environment. He was nice because there was no reason for him not to be nice. Everything turned out just right for him. So he gave naturally. He didn't have to struggle.
So it's not the one who acts the best that deserves praise. But it's the one who has to struggle the most in order to obtain their goal. It's not the rich who inherited the money that should be admired. It's the one who started from scratch and became rich in spite of it all. But people are so backwards sometimes. They praise things that don't need praise and they ignore things that need to be praised.
The problem is: most people don't have control over their actions. Life programmed them a certain way, and they just act it out.
Those people who self righteously accuse you (because they are so good themselves) do so because they don't understand these things.
Most people are still children mentally. Just listen to the world when they are fighting over things: mine, mine.... And bullying each other. This is what we teach our children NOT to do. But then most of the adults still do it. And when a child asks their parents: you told me not to do this, but you are doing it... The parent will say: it's different when I do it. (nope, it's not)
And these CHILDREN in adult bodies try to forward their "wisdom" (or should I say: lack of it) to their children. And these adult children mistreat their little children.
And it's because they don't know any better.
It's useless to be mad at those who are acting badly in their ignorance. They can't help it. They were programmed to be this way by life and their own parents.
Many parents make really stupid decisions, they have no idea what they are doing. But they can't help it.
Some parents abuse their children. But it's also because they can't help it.
Do you think any of these "bad" people respect themselves? No. They just can't help it. And the guilt makes them act even worse.
The way I see it is this: our earth is full of damaged disabled children in adult bodies. It's like we've been left to tend to ourselves even though we have so many problems and SO LITTLE understanding of anything. When parents are trying to make decisions, it's like they are making a stab in the dark. They have no idea if that's a good decision or not. But there is no school to go to to be a parent (although it should be mandatory). But then, who is smart enough to teach such a school?
So it's basically children raising children. It's such a mess.
So for this reason, we have to stop accusing ourselves left and right (it's part of being ignorant). We should accept that we are damaged and we should do the best we can.
We should try the best we can. But if we fail, we should realize that it couldn't have been helped. We are who life made us to be. We can't help that.
One thing we have to learn is to overlook mistakes and forgive mistakes. Because all do them. Absolutely all. And instead of forgiving each other, we just hate each other for failing. And we also hate ourselves for failing. And so, instead of love, there is a bunch of hate going on.
So why do we hate those who struggle when we struggle too? Why do we hate those who lose their temper when we do it too?
Shouldn't we say instead: well, let me forgive my self and let's forgive each other. It can't be helped. We are doing the best we can.
Acceptance will help people much better than judgement. Compassion and awareness of the problem will work better.
Forgive yourself for being a failure. And forgive others for failing you. They couldn't help it. Just like you probably won't be able to help it one day when you hurt someone.
I think that when you forgive self and forgive others in the same way, the problem will disappear. Of course, this may not even be possible to do. How does one learn to love self and others? No one came and explained to us. How the heck are we supposed to learn that? We'll have to figure it out on our own. And it may take many years of evolution. All we can do is start with feeling compassion for our poor damaged selves and also people around us in the same condition.
I am sorry for your trouble. No matter which way you turn, you have it. It sucks to get stuck in such a situation and also have others expect you to be stronger than them, better than them and to overcome the "beast" side which the people around you have nurtured in you (and are still doing it even on these forums) by their responses.
Good luck to us all in our evolution. It's not an easy journey.
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So your way is the only way? I'm agnostic, well balanced, happy, successful and lead a very rich life. I'm sorry but this post is insulting. Mental illness is a very real disease process of the brain and needs professional help. I worked with someone with your belief system and while I respected her choice, prayer didn't work for her. She wound up in the psych ward at least four times since I worked with her. She finally lost her job and her house. She lives in California now close to her sister. She's a very intelligent woman but a chemical imbalance needs to be treated with chemistry, not rhetoric.
