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When I was younger I heard the sentence, "Well, if it bothers you that much it's your issue."
Or
"Whenever you get really upset with something, look at it bec it's your problem."
Or
"Whatever bugs you in another person, is what bugs you about yourself, something
you hate in yourself."
( The other person isn't doing anything wrong, just being themselves.)
Then, of course..."What you say about another says way more about you then them."
All of it is true. I have known this for decades and decades....I have a friend my age that has never had
any therapy at all, doesn't read self help books, has no TV to watch anything like years of
Dr. Phil or Oprah for the latest in psychotherapy...to see families working things out to a healthy conclusion.
She points fingers , judges, gets mad at so many things...I say to myself, "Whoa, does she lay a lot of
stuff on me and others that are all her inner issues and struggles."
Thus, I don't hang with her anymore...shame, too.
I didn't see this topic of, "What bothers us is inside US."
So, here it is...I hope it helps someone understand things about themselves and others better.
Well . . . not all of us subscribe to that thinking as a blanket statement for everything that is genuinely disordered in this world.
For example, I would daresay that no one wants to be lied to so if someone in their circle is dishonest and a pathological liar, and that bothers others . . . that doesn't mean the ones who find that a lack of character and a disturbing trait must all have problems with honesty themselves.
And mentally ill people can be quite upsetting to deal with when their actions impact our lives . . . so no, irrational behavior doesn't upset us b/c we are dealing with demons ourselves and cannot bear to see that trait in others. It is stressful and difficult to deal with because irrational people can engage in behavior that causes others pain and possibly - attorney fees, medical bills, financial difficulties, social impediments, etc (depending on how irrational or psychotic they may be at any given time).
So I don't think that is a blanket statement that fits all conflicts that occur between people.
Oh, I didnt mean if you get upset with a liar, then it means you yourself
may be a liar and don't like that in yourself...altho, that could be true.
But, say, if someone lies to you and it really upsets you....you could have been a victim of
so many lies as a child and is a bigger issue to you than me....btw, I have a friend that is such
a liar...it doesn't bother me in the least...she has a problem...and its her problem...she is also a clepto...
That also doesn't bother me...I laugh at her she is so screwy.
But if I had siblings that always lied and stole from me...I could go beserk on her.
If I go "beserk" inside because of someone's behavior...I always look at myself first and
ask, "Why does that bother me so much, geeze?" I want to get to the bottom of it in "me"....I don't blame
my over reaction on what they did...unless they killed someone in front of me...!!!
There is a balance and discernment.
[QUOTE=anifani821;31753368]Well . . . not all of us subscribe to that thinking as a blanket statement for everything that is genuinely disordered in this world.
For example, I would daresay that no one wants to be lied to so if someone in their circle is dishonest and a pathological liar, and that bothers others . . . that doesn't mean the ones who find that a lack of character and a disturbing trait must all have problems with honesty themselves.
And mentally ill people can be quite upsetting to deal with when their actions impact our lives . . . so no, irrational behavior doesn't upset us b/c we are dealing with demons ourselves and cannot bear to see that trait in others. It is stressful and difficult to deal with because irrational people can engage in behavior that causes others pain and possibly - attorney fees, medical bills, financial difficulties, social impediments, etc (depending on how irrational or psychotic they may be at any given time).
So I don't think that is a blanket statement that fits all conflicts that occur between people.[/quote]
Oh, I didnt mean if you get upset with a liar, then it means you yourself
may be a liar and don't like that in yourself...altho, that could be true.
But, say, if someone lies to you and it really upsets you....you could have been a victim of
so many lies as a child and is a bigger issue to you than me....btw, I have a friend that is such
a liar...it doesn't bother me in the least...she has a problem...and its her problem...she is also a clepto...
That also doesn't bother me...I laugh at her she is so screwy.
But if I had siblings that always lied and stole from me...I could go beserk on her.
If I go "beserk" inside because of someone's behavior...I always look at myself first and
ask, "Why does that bother me so much, geeze?" I want to get to the bottom of it in "me"....I don't blame
my over reaction on what they did...unless they killed someone in front of me...!!!
There is a balance and discernment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821
Well . . . not all of us subscribe to that thinking as a blanket statement for everything that is genuinely disordered in this world.
For example, I would daresay that no one wants to be lied to so if someone in their circle is dishonest and a pathological liar, and that bothers others . . . that doesn't mean the ones who find that a lack of character and a disturbing trait must all have problems with honesty themselves.
And mentally ill people can be quite upsetting to deal with when their actions impact our lives . . . so no, irrational behavior doesn't upset us b/c we are dealing with demons ourselves and cannot bear to see that trait in others. It is stressful and difficult to deal with because irrational people can engage in behavior that causes others pain and possibly - attorney fees, medical bills, financial difficulties, social impediments, etc (depending on how irrational or psychotic they may be at any given time).
So I don't think that is a blanket statement that fits all conflicts that occur between people.
Well, I am an INTJ and I don't go berserk. So I guess I can't relate, lol.
However, I have had the misfortune of having to live with several folks along the way who were ragers (Borderline Personality Disorder and BiPolar ragers as well as 2 folks dealing with paranoid schizophrenia) . . . so it takes a whole lot to rattle my cage. Bizarre behaviors and over-reaction to common life events are just part of their particular brand of disorder and I accept it for what it is.
When I was younger I heard the sentence, "Well, if it bothers you that much it's your issue."
Or
"Whenever you get really upset with something, look at it bec it's your problem."
Or
"Whatever bugs you in another person, is what bugs you about yourself, something
you hate in yourself."
( The other person isn't doing anything wrong, just being themselves.)
Then, of course..."What you say about another says way more about you then them."
All of it is true. I have known this for decades and decades....I have a friend my age that has never had
any therapy at all, doesn't read self help books, has no TV to watch anything like years of
Dr. Phil or Oprah for the latest in psychotherapy...to see families working things out to a healthy conclusion.
She points fingers , judges, gets mad at so many things...I say to myself, "Whoa, does she lay a lot of
stuff on me and others that are all her inner issues and struggles."
Thus, I don't hang with her anymore...shame, too.
I didn't see this topic of, "What bothers us is inside US."
So, here it is...I hope it helps someone understand things about themselves and others better.
I can see how that advice can work with somebody who wants to understand why their personal relationships are failing. The problem I see with it is that it is not very supportive of the person who is having the feelings. A person has negative feelings about another, now you step in with that advice, which is also negative. How does that help?
Being supportive doesn't mean you have to agree or go along. If a friend of mine was accusing another of being a liar, I would tell her that I do not have the same feelings as her but would want to know why she feels that way. If she uses nothing but abusive language I would just have to set up some rules about our conversations. From there, I may or may not help her sort fact from opinion.
Human beings are not just wild animals with the bad luck to be born with other humans around them. We are a social species, who all depend on each other for our survival and well-being. Social order is kept in check by the constant expressions of approval and disapprove for each other's actions within the social context. Without members of society being judgmental of each other, there would be no way to organize society and keep it working on behalf of the commonweal.
So people don't just have the right to be judgmental of others, they have the obligation to, and survival-driven evolution has wired them to. We don't just evolve as individuals in a species, social groups also evolved through natural selection.
Human beings are not just wild animals with the bad luck to be born with other humans around them. We are a social species, who all depend on each other for our survival and well-being. Social order is kept in check by the constant expressions of approval and disapprove for each other's actions within the social context. Without members of society being judgmental of each other, there would be no way to organize society and keep it working on behalf of the commonweal.
So people don't just have the right to be judgmental of others, they have the obligation to, and survival-driven evolution has wired them to. We don't just evolve as individuals in a species, social groups also evolved through natural selection.
That is a pretty good reason for people to be judgmental. However, that does not address the OPs desire, which is to make people understand that if they have a problem, they usually are the problem. What the OP does not realize is that she is not the best person to confide in when somebody bothers you. To make it in the social world, you have to know who to trust.
OP, if I get what you are saying, it's along the lines of "We cannot control other's actions; we can just control how we respond to those actions." Or something like it?
I don't think that you're trying to blame people who have had bad things happen to them, or to absolve the wrongdoers. There are always going to be selfish people, annoying people, a-hole drivers, people who are rude, unfair, and so on. Getting upset isn't going to change who they are. Since I've come to terms with that, it's done wonders for my stress level.
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