Gender differences in styles of conflict resolution

[Rangerdude_Charlie]

I am an man and I used to be a person who would avoid conflict at all time. I guess I was scared to rock the boat as another person pointed out to me. Now I am a type of person who feels if I am being wronged that I will get in someone's face and tell them off. I remember my parents telling me in life you get to pick and choose your battles.

[mordant]

Originally Posted by Rangerdude_Charlie

I am an man and I used to be a person who would avoid conflict at all time. I guess I was scared to rock the boat as another person pointed out to me. Now I am a type of person who feels if I am being wronged that I will get in someone's face and tell them off. I remember my parents telling me in life you get to pick and choose your battles.

Yes, unfortunately I have had to get more into that realm of cantankerousness that I used to find distasteful and a violation of the principle of treating others as you'd like to be treated. Problem is, others often treat you more or less in ways they feel they can get away with. Especially contractors / vendors. I am actually relieved that our home has just passed out of its warranty period, I'd rather deal with issues myself rather than face the vibes constantly given off by the builder, the crickets in response to requests for things to be addressed, the hope you will just give up and go away. And I am sure that is just how the builder wants it. They don't understand they are not just selling a home, they are selling an experience. They look at buyers as selfish cranks who if you give them an inch they will take a mile. They don't understand that when you have a new home it should be, well, new. I'm glad to be done with them.

With family members on the other hand I just have to realize that if something I say is so ridiculous to them or becomes some kind of complex quagmire with the threat of arguments attached to it, then I don't need to try so hard and care so much, they can just get along without my input.

[Katlakat]

as a 38 yr old woman-I've been married twice, no kids, and just celebrated my 11th wedding anniversary to my best friend last weekend.

A 22 yr old woman I work with asked me, "do you know how rare it is these days to stay in a marriage so long? congrats!" I hadn't even really thought about it, seeing how my parents just celebrated their 44th wedding anniversary this year.

I've had my share of ups and downs and growing up, but I stayed committed to learning how to communicate with my husband. It was a lengthy process that we both agreed to commit to in order to communicate our feelings, emotions, and desires.

I went so far as to get a BA in communications (I was a journalist major) just to take all of the conflict classes. I was a passive-aggressive, non-confrontational woman in the world. Thinking back to every conflict I had with Mike that we eventually resolved was due to a basic fact we still carried with us from the first time we met: Respect.

At times, we are disrespected and the emotions that follow can confuse or anger us. It upsets me when husbands and wives fight in public, in front of children, etc. in a blatant display of disrespect toward one another. There have been times I've lost respect due to Mike's actions, but we had to push through our anger to a safe place we could communicate. I was the yeller, Mike was the sit and be quiet person in our marriage. Eventually, with much patience, practice, and sometimes a third party to mediate (our best friend Sarah) we learned so much about each other because we never actually knew these things made the other one so tense, mad, or angry.

I have a lot of respect for my husband and just knowing what being respectful means can make the difference between a bitter argument or a passionate learning opportunity.

[mordant]

Originally Posted by Katlakat

It upsets me when husbands and wives fight in public, in front of children, etc. in a blatant display of disrespect toward one another.

Yes indeed. I'm an independent contractor doing software development and I once had a husband and wife client (business owners) who would have frequent, repeated, knock-down, drag-out fights in their office when I was trying to get work done (this was back before the Internet when I generally had to be on-site to do my work). I had to ask them to get a room. Sometimes it's not just disrespect but a total lack of boundaries. I had another husband/wife team as a client and I became privy to way Too Much Information about their personal relationship. I really didn't need to know that the guy was impotent, for instance. Like I said: boundaries.

Originally Posted by Katlakat

There have been times I've lost respect due to Mike's actions, but we had to push through our anger to a safe place we could communicate. I was the yeller, Mike was the sit and be quiet person in our marriage. Eventually, with much patience, practice, and sometimes a third party to mediate (our best friend Sarah) we learned so much about each other because we never actually knew these things made the other one so tense, mad, or angry.

I have a lot of respect for my husband and just knowing what being respectful means can make the difference between a bitter argument or a passionate learning opportunity.

It is good to be reminded that sometimes it goes well -- occasionally it largely just happens and more often, as you point out, it involves a good deal of hard work.

Like your husband (and a lot of men, I think), I tend to shut down when berated. This does not seem like a very deep insight to me, but kudos to you anyway for figuring it out because in my experience you are the exception.

I have actually been critiqued in past relationships for not matching my woman, decibel for decibel, barb for barb, on the grounds that it shows I "don't care" and/or am disgustingly weak because I refuse to play such games. I simply am not capable of being verbally abusive, and I don't think that's a weakness at all.

Fortunately my current relationship is nowhere near that bad, and I am more bemused overall than enduringly distraught over our occasional dust-ups. I guess I was well desensitized by my prior relationships. One thing I have learned is that sometimes you just have to remove yourself until the other party can reboot themselves emotionally; if the other person doesn't want to repair the breach there is no sense trying until they let go of the need to be right or to punish.

I don't understand why anyone would want to let their emotions rule them to that extent, but ... whatever. It isn't realistic to assume that everyone is a rational actor. I figured that out in the business world ages ago, and I don't know why I didn't think to apply it to my personal world. Maybe I had the crazy idea that my personal world should some kind of refuge from that.

[Katlakat]

Originally Posted by mordant

I have actually been critiqued in past relationships for not matching my woman, decibel for decibel, barb for barb, on the grounds that it shows I "don't care" and/or am disgustingly weak because I refuse to play such games. I simply am not capable of being verbally abusive, and I don't think that's a weakness at all.

It is not a weakness in my opinion. I didn't see it as verbal abuse, not at first. I realized over the years I had a bad habit of treating my husband the way my mother treats my father. My father would match my mom decibel for decibel (behind closed bedroom doors) and I had this depraved perception that Mike would become emotional and angry like me. The realization came with maturity and guts to ask, "Mike? Do I treat you this way like you've witnessed my parents?" He said, "yes you do!" and that opened up communication for me to work out ways in which I could break this bad, abusive habit.

Originally Posted by mordant

Fortunately my current relationship is nowhere near that bad, and I am more bemused overall than enduringly distraught over our occasional dust-ups. I guess I was well desensitized by my prior relationships. One thing I have learned is that sometimes you just have to remove yourself until the other party can reboot themselves emotionally; if the other person doesn't want to repair the breach there is no sense trying until they let go of the need to be right or to punish.

I agree to an extent here-however when I was this upset, I couldn't rationalize my behavior to myself, let alone my partner. As long as you revisit these issues when both parties are in a better place and both parties can compromise within a suggested solution, it goes right back to wanting to win an argument, or as you put it, "the need to be right or to punish". This step is the hardest to reach, imo. It takes active courage and a deep look at insecurities and other issues that are stepping in when they aren't wanted.

Originally Posted by mordant

I don't understand why anyone would want to let their emotions rule them to that extent, but ... whatever. It isn't realistic to assume that everyone is a rational actor. I figured that out in the business world ages ago, and I don't know why I didn't think to apply it to my personal world. Maybe I had the crazy idea that my personal world should some kind of refuge from that.

I can only speak for myself here. I never wanted my emotions to rule me. I spent a great deal reading books by Brene Brown, "Men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti", marriage counseling books, Toxic Parents, and Co-dependent no more-these came from suggestions here on CDF from people like you willing to talk about these issues. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and often times my partners would give up on me because my baggage was too much for them to sort through. Mike saw how much I struggled and wanted to help me understand myself. This is also a reason I have much respect for him today. He remained without judgement (which helps a great deal) and allowed me to work through the trigger points of my emotional outbursts.

I learned through this process that my emotional breakdowns stemmed from a toxic concoction of misread rules and manipulation tactics I learned from my childhood. I learned from my father that you can bully your way through life and get your way with threats, demands, and ultimatums. I learned from my mother how to be controlling, arrogant, and how not to yield to a man. I had to be in a place in my life where I was ready to take advice, see exactly what I was doing, how it was affecting others around me including losing my jobs time and time again, and I had to "buck up" and do something about it.

I might have learned these terrible habits from my childhood, but as an adult, it was my sole responsibility to break these habits-the key was understanding them in the first place and you really have to be in a good place to do that. I was 35 when I finally got the message loud and clear. I wandered around in the dark for a long time but was thankful I could find a peaceful place and a supportive partner to learn these valuable traits in order to become the woman I truly wish to be.

[mordant]

Originally Posted by Katlakat

I can only speak for myself here. I never wanted my emotions to rule me...

I might have learned these terrible habits from my childhood, but as an adult, it was my sole responsibility to break these habits-the key was understanding them in the first place and you really have to be in a good place to do that. I was 35 when I finally got the message loud and clear. I wandered around in the dark for a long time but was thankful I could find a peaceful place and a supportive partner to learn these valuable traits in order to become the woman I truly wish to be.

Thanks for taking the time to share. It makes the world a little bit brighter place to me, to hear your story.

[Katlakat]

I just don't want you to give up. Emotions and relationships are complex and hard work at times, but imo, they are worth it when you really love someone-

you have to love yourself too which can be hard.