Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think if one person got through addiction, trauma, abusive relationship, that person has more credibility giving advice.
However if a cheater has problems being faithful and now telling others how to manage their marriages, I'd say "save your time, you are waste of money."
But she is not a cheater, she cheated in the past, so in that case you are contradicting yourself as this therapist has the experience you actually lack.
You just want to her to divorce the man even if that makes her more miserable. You were told this in the other thread, if your sister is still with her husband is because she prefers him over your family. She is still getting something out of that relationship. I am not sure I would choose your family either, you people sound quite controlling and irrational saying you know better than the professionals. You already made up your mind and don t want to give her husband another chance as if you all could predict the future
I will never go to a counselor again. I rather take advice from friends, they know me, they know him, they know the story and the background.Went to a real marriage counselor. First - she said she was never married. Hmm, okay. Let's see how that advice will turn out.When I told her, I do 90% of the chores at home and hubby is even too lazy to do a minimum amount of chores, her answer was "if he doesn't want to do them, I guess you have to do them as well". Hubby liked that. I left. The other counselor told us after 10 minutes that we should get divorced. There was no abuse/cheating/missing love/anything major but he didn't even try to negotiate and find a solution to stay together. Never again.
Never again for me, either. We went to two different ones, trying to just get past the same argument we kept on getting stuck on. Don't think it ever got resolved, but we did bond over criticizing and laughing about their dumb advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12
I have always wondered though how effective a priest, who has never been married, can really be an effective marriage counselor. Especially when their agenda is to keep marriages together. Reminds me of a story a friend of mine told me, she was Mormon, and having problems in her marriage, and spoke with her LDS bishop, because it was also affecting her faith, basically he told her being more obedient was the key to a better relationship! So much for religious leaders and marriage therapy!
People may disagree with this, but marriage therapy, really does not work. INMO. The fact that a couple seeks therapy shows how much dysfunction there is in the relationship. Couples either decide to live with the dysfunction, or not. .
yup... didn't know we were going to a religious counselor, but mine pretty much told me that obedience was the answer. High tailed it out of that office, dragging my husband who was laughing his head off!
yes, it is statistically proven that marriage counseling pretty much ends marriages. When we went, I really just went because we had great benefits that included free counseling, and I thought I should make use of them. Good lord, it was horrible and it brought out more problems and stress, and never helped us deal with the issue at hand because they were trying to dig out "underlying problems". I can definitely see how it nails the coffin on bad marriages.
You guys are missing the point. The purpose of marriage counseling is not to keep the couples together at any cost. If it doesn't work for you then drop it, but let others work on their own relationships as they wish, it might work for them. Sometimes divorce is what people think they need.
"Marriage counseling helps couples of all types recognize and resolve conflicts and improve their relationships. Through marriage counseling, you can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding your relationship or going your separate ways."
yes, it is statistically proven that marriage counseling pretty much ends marriages. When we went, I really just went because we had great benefits that included free counseling, and I thought I should make use of them. Good lord, it was horrible and it brought out more problems and stress, and never helped us deal with the issue at hand because they were trying to dig out "underlying problems". I can definitely see how it nails the coffin on bad marriages.
In all fairness, the stats are skewed.
See, a percentage of people bring their partners to counseling to HELP them out of the marriage.
In other words, they have already decided before counseling that they want out and use the therapy sessions to accomplish this.
See, a percentage of people bring their partners to counseling to HELP them out of the marriage.
In other words, they have already decided before counseling that they want out and use the therapy sessions to accomplish this.
Exactly and who knows maybe the OP's sister or her husband feels that way but the OP is sabotaging the whole thing with her controlling ways. If most therapies ends in divorce then the OP should just wait, instead getting all impatient.
If the OP's advice hasn't worked so far then she should at least give this therapy a chance. The worst that can happen is that everything stays the same. The OP's advice is not gonna magically start working because she says it 1,000 times, it hasn't so far, it's not gonna work until her sister is ready to hear it.
To answer the original question about a divorced marriage counselor--yes, a divorced marriage counselor can help greatly in repairing a marriage on the verge of divorce, IF, and only IF, this is what both partners in the marriage want. It's pointless if one has checked out of the marriage and is only going through the motions of counseling.
If a marriage counselor or any other type of therapist is in the midst of a divorce, I doubt their help could be unbiased.
well this is definitely not politically correct for me to say, but I have often wondered if the marriage counselors are divorced men and women themselves, what makes them so great to give advice? Are they more qualified to give advice and act like God simply because they have a license and couple of years of schooling?
My sister and her husband are seeking professional help in order to save their marriage. I say their marriage is beyond repaire. Her husband has been cheating on her for so many years with at least three different women. The marriage counselor said that they had to learn to communicate with each other better. After several sessions, he learned to "forgive himself." Seriously, this has to be a joke.
The marriage counselor is a divorced woman herself and she admit she has cheated on her own husband!!! (but she learned to free herself from guilt.) Well, I admire her honesty, but how can she possibly give advice to help my sister when she was a God damn cheater herself?!
Some marriage counselors aren't married. Others are divorced twice or unhappily married. Is this who you want to pay for advice? Would you take fitness tips from a 350-pound personal trainer who just had bypass surgery?
If your marriage counselor doesn't have the kind of relationship you want, she simply can't tell you how to get it. When I think about the lousy advice that my sister got during her marriage counseling, I'm amazed that she could even sit there and listening to all these bs.
Instead of someone with an impressive diploma, consider seeking the advice of a wife with a happy, healthy, intimate relationship. I think my sister should just ask my mom for her advice. She should also ask my sister in law and her happily married friends. She can even ask me why I am so happy with my relationship!! Although I am not married myself, my love life is definitely much better than hers!!
Instead, she has to pay for a professional help. The end result is that she is feeling even worse and more miserable.
As a once-divorced and now happily married man who is considering marriage counseling as a career, I have to say that there is one angle that a divorced person could see which a person whose marriage has never been through hell could never see. Really - how many people can put themselves in someone else's shoes when they've never been in a similar situation?
I'm considering counseling because I have a knack for it. I've been counseling since age 16. Toward the end of my high school career, people I didn't even know were coming to me for advice because I'd gained a reputation for giving good advice. Two people owe their lives to me because I was singlehandedly able to talk them out of suicide.
You know why I'm so good at this?
Because, for six years, I was tormented by my peers.
Essentially, from 4th grade through the beginning of sophomore year, I was the favorite target of every jerk in the school. I also know how I got out of it. I've been everywhere... from complete social outcast to very popular, and everything in between. Since I've been in the pits before, I can relate to people who are in the pits now.
A person who has been through a divorce has seen every possible aspect of a marriage... from success to failure and everything in between. I do believe that someone who cheated on his/her spouse is substantially less able to be a counselor unless it was in the distant past when this happened, and he/she has thoroughly repented of it. Someone who is a current cheater... nope, not who you want to take advice from.
But when it comes to divorce, you have to understand that there are two sides to every story, and it is possible that someone who was divorced was the innocent party to the divorce. I could get going on my story but it would take forever - suffice it to say that I was abused for almost the entire duration of my first marriage, I was lied to for even longer, and I suffered every aspect of a failing marriage... in spite of my best efforts to repair it. The reasons why it failed were beyond my control - I didn't make my ex-wife lie to me when we were dating, lie to me when we were married, refuse to make good on her lies at any time, etc... and I sure as heck didn't tell her to proclaim that she was a Christian in the beginning when all along her true belief was that not everything in the Bible was true or relevant. So, for certain, I was the victim in that marriage, and the divorce was, to put it colloquially, the only way to save my bacon.
Therefore, if someone were to come to me and tell me that he/she is in the midst of a marital problem, chances are, I've already been there myself and can relate. Is that not better than someone whose marriage has always been the stuff of fairy tales, whose only experience with marital problems came from textbook anecdotes during class?
By the way, I would not take fitness tips from someone who weighs 350 unless he/she was unusually tall and built, such that 350 was a good weight for him/her... or unless he/she had a real reason for remaining that big (such as "I play center for [some football team]"). However, I would take fitness tips much sooner from someone who had been 350 pounds and had since slimmed down to a fit 175 pounds, than from someone whose genetics had blessed him/her such that he/she never once had any kind of weight problem and somehow was always able to stay in decent shape no matter what he/she did. I don't want fitness tips from someone who was always a fitness-aholic. I will never be a fitness-aholic. I can't relate to that, and a fitness-aholic can't relate to someone who likes to sit on the couch, typing long City-Data posts while eating candy corn. :-P I want fitness tips from someone who was once fat and out of shape, and therefore knows the reasons why people become (or stay) fat and out of shape... and also knows the struggle of becoming fit... all from firsthand experience. That's the best kind.
It is one thing to intellectually understand the dynamics of marriage, and to be able to dispassionately assess the marriage of a couple with whom one has no emotional attachments, than to be personally successful in a marriage.
Similarly, the world of professional sports is full of very successful coaches who are excellent coaches of players but who could not succeed as players - sometimes physically, sometimes mentally, sometimes both. Again, the roles are simply different. One can be successful at both, a failure at both, or a success at one but not at the other.
So it is with being in a marriage, and being a marriage counselor.
But she is not a cheater, she cheated in the past, so in that case you are contradicting yourself as this therapist has the experience you actually lack.
You just want to her to divorce the man even if that makes her more miserable. You were told this in the other thread, if your sister is still with her husband is because she prefers him over your family. She is still getting something out of that relationship. I am not sure I would choose your family either, you people sound quite controlling and irrational saying you know better than the professionals. You already made up your mind and don t want to give her husband another chance as if you all could predict the future
Do you know how many times this filthy man has cheated on my sister? For YEARS with at least three different women?
We are being controlling? ! LOL, you don't know us at all.
We have been there for our sister, day and night. My brother offered to pay for this marriage counseling. My sister hasn't worked for seven God damn years. my parents paid for everything. every single dime to support her lousy marriage. If you can call that a marriage. My brother in law told my sister he never loved her. He cheated on her because he can. And you are calling US controlling?! WOW
Yes, I want this abusive man out of my sight, out of my life. But my sister loved him, what can I possible do if you were me? huh?
Before you use your extremely hurtful words to judge others, maybe you should know the whole picture first.
I didn't ask you to comment on my thread. Why do you blame the victim> My sister has been cheated on. This counselor this ***** make her feel 100 times worse. She was a cheater, she wanted that man ***** to forgive himself. Is it a suggestion or an advice? what happened to accountability? Man! I am completely shocked by your comments. I honestly have no words.
You guys are missing the point. The purpose of marriage counseling is not to keep the couples together at any cost. If it doesn't work for you then drop it, but let others work on their own relationships as they wish, it might work for them. Sometimes divorce is what people think they need.
"Marriage counseling helps couples of all types recognize and resolve conflicts and improve their relationships. Through marriage counseling, you can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding your relationship or going your separate ways."
No, you are missing the point. Some marriage counselors are good. Some are not.
The ones who blame the victim should not be counselors.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
After several sessions, he learned to "forgive himself." 
Well, I admire her honesty, but how can she possibly give advice to help my sister when she was a God damn cheater herself?!
