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Would I go to a marriage counselor if they are divorced themselves. First, if they told me, I'd probably not go back. Their life is not a factor in my therapy and they shouldn't be speaking about their life. If they were and they don't talk about it and don't bring their personal life into my sessions, I have no problem if they are divorced or not. Personally, I'd rather go to a therapist who's had hard times and has grown from it. I have met some awesome, really great people, who are knowledgeable about "life" who never really had to experience hardships, but they are few and far between. The rest of them, are in a bubble. So, yeah, I prefer people who have lived, hurt, grieved, learned, and grew from experiences.
Secondly, I'd probably ask an obese trainer why s/he is qualified, if they themselves are fighting their weight. Just because they haven't lost weight doesn't mean they don't know everything there is about health and weight loss. It's right up there with me going to a male ob/gyn (I had an awesome one who was better than almost all the women ones I've been to). Obviously he can't experience what I go through, but that doesn't make him less of a doctor.
Lastly, in regards to this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
When I lost my loved one to suicide, I found a trauma counselor who is a suicide survivor herself. I can relate to her because she knew exactly what I was going through.
So let me get this straight. Having a therapist who has been through it is okay in the sense of your trauma? Which means, if your sister's therapist had been cheated on, but stayed with her cheating husband, would that be okay? Or would you prefer the therapist to be cheated on and left the cheating husband, because that's what you want for your sister?
If you're in marriage counseling, do you look for a therapist who almost divorced, but didn't? Because they've been there? Or if you want out of the marriage, but giving it one last try, you find someone who is divorced? If you're an addict, do you go find a therapist who is a recovering addict? Do you find a therapist who has survived suicide and depression, if you're depressed and suicidal?
Make up your mind. You can't have one, but not the other.
Personally, your sister and BIL need to find a new therapist. Not because she's cheated, but because she is talking about her own life to them. That's unnecessary and probably unethical. Forgiving oneself for cheating is great....assuming they actually feel guilty about it.
I agree a therapist shouldn't blame the victem , but sometimes it helps to be shown what we are responsible for so we don't get stuck in victem mode and helplessness.
You can also do your sister a favor, you can show her what a good man is, or at least plant the seed.
well this is definitely not politically correct for me to say, but I have often wondered if the marriage counselors are divorced men and women themselves, what makes them so great to give advice? Are they more qualified to give advice and act like God simply because they have a license and couple of years of schooling?
My sister and her husband are seeking professional help in order to save their marriage. I say their marriage is beyond repaire. Her husband has been cheating on her for so many years with at least three different women. The marriage counselor said that they had to learn to communicate with each other better. After several sessions, he learned to "forgive himself." Seriously, this has to be a joke.
The marriage counselor is a divorced woman herself and she admit she has cheated on her own husband!!! (but she learned to free herself from guilt.) Well, I admire her honesty, but how can she possibly give advice to help my sister when she was a God damn cheater herself?!
Some marriage counselors aren't married. Others are divorced twice or unhappily married. Is this who you want to pay for advice? Would you take fitness tips from a 350-pound personal trainer who just had bypass surgery?
If your marriage counselor doesn't have the kind of relationship you want, she simply can't tell you how to get it. When I think about the lousy advice that my sister got during her marriage counseling, I'm amazed that she could even sit there and listening to all these bs.
Instead of someone with an impressive diploma, consider seeking the advice of a wife with a happy, healthy, intimate relationship. I think my sister should just ask my mom for her advice. She should also ask my sister in law and her happily married friends. She can even ask me why I am so happy with my relationship!! Although I am not married myself, my love life is definitely much better than hers!!
Instead, she has to pay for a professional help. The end result is that she is feeling even worse and more miserable.
I have to say if after what I have read your sister continues to go back to this counselor and pay her...she really needs help.
All counselors are not created equal. If the person isn't helping BOTH parties, time to find a different counselor.
I don't think it should have a thing to do with whether the counselor is divorced or not. I know ministers and counselors who have stayed in horrible marriages and enabled the bad behaviors of their spouses rather than admit they can't "fix" their own family issues. So it cuts both ways. What appears to be a "solid" marriage may actually be anything but that.
A marriage counselor cannot FIX anything . . . he/she is there to guide the couple looking for answers as to how to put their lives back together. The decisions as to staying together, divorcing, or taking some time off (separating) . . . whatever . . . are the COUPLE's decisions. A good counselor is not there to actually give ADVICE about life circumstances. Nor is he/she there to lable one person the "good person" and the other the "bad person."
But again . . . if a couple feels therapy isn't getting anywhere . . . then they need to look for a new therapist . . . or face the fact that one or both of them are just looking for someone to give them permission to get a divorce . . . or that one or both of them are looking for someone else to "indemnify" that YEP - YOUR SPOUSE IS THE PROBLEM (wh/ counselors are trained NOT TO DO).
No, you are missing the point. Some marriage counselors are good. Some are not.
The ones who blame the victim should not be counselors.
No, your sister is not at fault for her husband being unfaithful. But she may be a poor communicator. If she is, then she really does need to work on that. Not because of fault but because simply jumping ship isn't going to solve the problems she has. That will just land her in the same predicament later with a different partner. A laser-like focus on blame will only ensure that reconciliation is impossible and will prevent your sister from ever moving on. It sounds like the former may be in her best interests but the latter certainly isn't. I don't know if this counselor is any good or not but it sounds to me like she's trying to help your sister more than she's trying to help your sister's husband. If your sister is unwilling to get individual help, that may a good situation for her.
I used to work in a hospital and I swear the psych doctors on the staff at the hospital were crazy themselves. They were just odd people. Had affairs with each other within their group, etc. I remember thinking geez, most people have their lives WAY more together than you guys do!
I used to work in a hospital and I swear the psych doctors on the staff at the hospital were crazy themselves. They were just odd people. Had affairs with each other within their group, etc. I remember thinking geez, most people have their lives WAY more together than you guys do!
It's not news that people frequently enter the psychiatric field to understand and conquer their own issues. That is fine so long as they actually manage to substantially do that before trying to "help" others, but sometimes it doesn't happen.
In my experience, a lot of what goes on in old-school psychiatry is a real gravy train. The therapist working with my step son right now is golden, just perfectly mature, competent, professional and wise. The shrink on the other hand, we keep around only because we might need a drug pusher at some point. She's an idiot. She had a $280 flat fee for an initial appointment, and we've spent about $1K out of pocket on her simply to establish her as the drug gatekeeper with zero benefit or insight for my stepson, plus, he has to go back for a certain amount of $200/hr sessions to keep that gate open. Nice gig if you can get it, and in the meantime she doesn't have the vaguest notion how to do administrative tasks, she is one of those that refuses to work with insurance, even to file claims, and it is some sort of cosmic concept to her to bill the kid's biological father as his insurance governs (with its $10K deductible for mental health care). She said, well, if you won't pay after each session, you'll just have to remind me every time to bill the father and also remind me what the billing address is, otherwise I'll never remember it. Wow, that would go over like a lead balloon with MY clients! It so inspires confidence, I can hardly express it!
I think if one person got through addiction, trauma, abusive relationship, that person has more credibility giving advice.
However if a cheater has problems being faithful and now telling others how to manage their marriages, I'd say "save your time, you are waste of money."
I agree. If one doesn't understand being "faithful" to the degree of being able to do it, they cannot possibly be of any use. Counseling is for those with friends to listen or those to embarrassed to discuss the situations with their friends and family.
I believe that in order to understand fidelity and its importance in a relationship, one needs to go with a counselor with a religious calling. A support group would be a good option. I'm not sure I would want to team my husband if he were a cheater up with a counselor that was a cheater also where she sat there giving him support and understanding, maybe a little bite more!
A cheater won't understand why cheating is wrong. Cheaters need to be kicked to the curb, not counseled.
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After several sessions, he learned to "forgive himself." 
I have to say if after what I have read your sister continues to go back to this counselor 
