social anxiety...used too indiscriminantly (husband, relationship, feelings, people)
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Brief background: My wife has a group of 'mommy' friends who socialize a lot (sans spouses). We also socialize a lot as a family...have other families over for a pool party, pizza with the kids, whatever. We also usually host a big family pool party and the Holiday party.
There's one dad who usually comes to the 'big' parties but who never socializes in small groups. His wife and kids either come by themselves or they all simply decline.
Lately, there's been talk about how he has social anxiety. Now I'm not a fan of armchair diagnoses, and assuming this guy has this problem is, IMHO, a little presumptuous. I suppose it might be true but I'm not (nor is my wife or the other 'moms') in a position to say.
In fact...when I hear it talked about it actually sounds more like he simply doesn't prefer the company we keep, in particular the other husbands. I'm not saying it's a strong dislike or anything, but perhaps he just has other social priorities. And if that is the case, frankly, I respect that position more than I do labeling the guy with an armchair diagnosis. I know in my own experience, allowing myself to simply not like something without guilt or feelings of being 'broken' was a long journey; I get the suspicion he might be doing the same.
IMO, someone with social anxiety would avoid the big parties more so than the smaller ones.
Yeah I've got the social anxiety disorder, and that's pretty much how I am. Not categorically, but big parties are way more likely to set me off than small gatherings.
I know in my own experience, allowing myself to simply not like something without guilt or feelings of being 'broken' was a long journey; I get the suspicion he might be doing the same.
Can anyone relate?
Yeh, I think he's using that time for himself, and there's nothing wrong with that. Better that than doing something he hates just to please others.
Just leave the guy alone and don't worry about it. If he has an anxiety issue, it can manifest in an unlimited amount of ways. The poor guy doesn't need to be criticized and analyzed, he has enough on his plate to deal with.
It is easier to get lost and blend in in a large party, so he may feel on the spot and extra uncomfortable in a smaller face-to-face gathering.
Just leave the guy alone and don't worry about it. If he has an anxiety issue, it can manifest in an unlimited amount of ways. The poor guy doesn't need to be criticized and analyzed, he has enough on his plate to deal with.
It is easier to get lost and blend in in a large party, so he may feel on the spot and extra uncomfortable in a smaller face-to-face gathering.
I don't worry about him at all, well except that I think it's unfair that some people are characterizing him as having a social anxiety disorder.
I actually said to my wife, "well maybe he just doesn't like the rest of us husbands."
And she said, "well that would include you in that scenario."
To which I replied, "well that actually would make me feel better than hearing the social anxiety term kicked around."
I'm Aspergers and I find that I can hide and be anonymous in big parties, but in a smaller group, I feel more conspicuous being a non-participant. In a big party, I can stand on the periphery of a group of strangers, and nobody notices that I'm closing myself off. Also, if the party is big enough, I might be able to detect another person who doesn't want to socialize, and maybe have a twosome, which is OK, Aspies get along fine in a social twosome.
Aspies know they have social anxiety disorder and it's OK if people recognize that and leave us alone.
I'm Aspergers and I find that I can hide and be anonymous in big parties, but in a smaller group, I feel more conspicuous being a non-participant. In a big party, I can stand on the periphery of a group of strangers, and nobody notices that I'm closing myself off. Also, if the party is big enough, I might be able to detect another person who doesn't want to socialize, and maybe have a twosome, which is OK, Aspies get along fine in a social twosome.
Aspies know they have social anxiety disorder and it's OK if people recognize that and leave us alone.
great point. I don't know what I used to have tbh, but I hated doing the simplest things like going to a bank or ordering food at a restaurant. It was much worse when it wasn't as crowded as well. I could go on a bus and feel much more comfortable when it was packed versus when it was filled with a few people. The feeling of being anonymous is definitely reassuring in a sense. Currently, possibly by forcing myself into more situations, I don't get nervous ordering food or going into a bank. The only problem I have is sitting on a bus and not being sure where to look.
to the OP: Your description of the man is very limited. What is his personality, demeanor, etc? Look up a clinical definition if you're really interested, but I don't see strong evidence to label him as having social anxiety. The following is the official diagnosis from DSM-IV-R:
A persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be embarrassing and humiliating.
Exposure to the feared situation almost invariably provokes anxiety, which may take the form of a situationally bound or situationally pre-disposed Panic Attack.
The person recognizes that this fear is unreasonable or excessive.
The feared situations are avoided or else are endured with intense anxiety and distress.
The avoidance, anxious anticipation, or distress in the feared social or performance situation(s) interferes significantly with the person's normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, or social activities or relationships, or there is marked distress about having the phobia.
There are more, but that's a general overview. I think it's important to note that this disorder interferes significantly with the sufferer's normal routine. Note the word significantly. Also, they endure intense anxiety if they put themselves in situations that provoke fear. All of this would be noticeable in him. I thought I had social anxiety, but it was never severe enough to fit under these symptoms above. I think the man you are concerned with might be in the same boat, but it's up to you to judge.
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