Why can't I tolerate emotional closeness with others? (counselor, anxiety, depressed)

[cognitivelydissonant]

In my head, I want to be a caring, compassionate person who can be have loving relationships with others, both in the romantic and non-romantic senses, but in reality, being vulnerable with another person scares the hell out of me and makes me run faster than just about anything else. I'm 24 years old and have never been in a romantic relationship and have virtually no friends because I just can't seem to tolerate nor develop emotional closeness with others. The friends I do have, I manage to keep around by only having lighthearted, joking kinds of conversations with them rather than getting into more emotional discussions. I find it easier to discuss emotional topics with complete strangers than with people I know and have in my life on a regular basis. It's almost like I'm embarrassed by the fact that I do have a vulnerable side, so if anyone sees it, he or she is no longer allowed in my life and I feel like I have to push them away. I've tried the whole online dating thing, but I've never been able to meet a guy in person because as soon as a conversation delves into vulnerable territory, I'm embarrassed by the fact that that person has seen me vulnerable, so I either deactivate my account or find some way to sabotage the relationship before it develops. One time I went to a psychiatrist to get tested for ADD and had to fill out this new patient questionnaire thing. So when he asked why I indicated on my paperwork that I felt like I was depressed, I explained why and started crying. Then I cancelled my next appointment with him because he had seen me cry, so there was no way I could face that doctor ever again.

This is completely the opposite of who I want to be. I read emotional books and watch emotional TV shows and stuff all of the time because human emotion is really intriguing to me, and I want to be the type of person who can help people and touch them emotionally, but in reality, I'm the opposite of that type of person. I can't even figure out how to be consoling if someone in my life has a death in their family or something. Why am I like this, and how do I fix myself?

[purehuman]

Well, at least you're cognitive of your dissonance..sorry, couldn't resist....To me it sounds like you've maybe been hurt badly by someone in your younger life. Maybe someone you trusted and loved who really, really let you down.....So you've put up a wall, between you and others, that you won't allow your emotions to go through. It's like you're afraid to love and be loved because of a fear that it might not last, or something might change.
You don't like how when you're vulnerable you can be hurt...so you're trying your hardest not to be.
I don't know the answer..I can only say that even when we think we're not, we're all really vulnerable people, and yes sometimes it hurts. But other times it lets people see you as a caring, and compassionate person...someone with feelings, just like them, and that can be a powerful motive for being your friend.....you know there are no assurances in life, nothing is for sure, but you still gotta embrace it, and get as much as you can out of it...don't be afraid to show your emotions..people will love you for it...good luck, hope some of that made sense.

[mainebrokerman]

ive found that highly critical people, are also highly critical of themselves, sometimes we mirror what we are afraid of...

settle your demons, and your fears will calm and subside,

islands can be cold- dont make the world about "me" do something that brings out the spirit in giving for someone else, - whether its a relative or a random act of kindness for a stranger- this will warm your soul



you are young, often we put wayyyyy too much emphasis on what others may think-so we try to set the bar too high to avoid criticism/judgement, and we keep the world at arms length.

learn to really laugh at yourself, learn that your definition of vulnerable doesnt mean weakness, learn that people are like icebergs-the 25% you see on the surface doesnt reflect what they are under the surface -we are all screwed up to some extent
start appreciating, without such high expectations (of others)

[Billy_J]

People who have been hurt in the past do not want to allow that to happen again. You are simply protecting yourself from being hurt again!

But you are also missing the best parts of life - having close loving relationships.

Pretty much you need to go to counseling to resolve this. They can set up "controlled" interactions with other people where you are guaranteed to not get hurt. And/or would be there for you should something hurtful happen (a safety net).

If you try this on your own, then you or the counselor has no control over what the other person does - and you have already seen what happens. So that will not work.

You can set up "safe" counseling appointments by making simple pre-arrangements. Just arrange with the counselor that you can leave the appointment at ANY time you wish should you feel uncomfortable. And that you can cancel the next week's appointment if you need a "rest". But you would need to go to the appointment after that, otherwise you will never get this problem solved!

Also give the following to the counselor in writing before your first appointment...
"One time I went to a psychiatrist to get tested for ADD and had to fill out this new patient questionnaire thing. So when he asked why I indicated on my paperwork that I felt like I was depressed, I explained why and started crying. Then I cancelled my next appointment with him because he had seen me cry, so there was no way I could face that doctor ever again."

And arrange with the counselor that you give him/her things like the above in writing if you wish. Maybe that would be a help?

Counselors are *very* understanding and flexible people. If you let them know about things like the above, they will know they should "tread lightly" and will do so. You could even set it up that if you were embarrassed to go back to one counselor, you could go see another counselor in the same office. All sorts of possibilities! Just tell them what you need and what makes you feel safe/comfortable - what makes you feel like running for the hills.

Note county health departments have low cost sliding scale counseling if you do not have insurance.

Another option you have is to not go to counseling - do nothing. It is your choice. Take care!

[Sugah Ray]

since you are 24, I would try a female counselor. At least I would feel more comfortable.

But besides that, one of the few regrets I have in life is trusting some people and I rarely trust people. I am a woman also but both sexes betrayed my trust in different ways. I would say unfortunely women were worst in that respect because they tended to share what I confided with other people while men just confused trust with attraction. Having friends doesn't necessarily mean sharing every detail with them, you can set up boundaries and say "I don't want to talk about that, I hope you respect my need for privacy".

In my opinion you might have social anxiety issues.

[silibran]

I think you need to find a counselor and face this with him or her. I like Billy J's suggestion. Counselors deal with all sorts of people all the time. You know something is wrong in your life. You will not get better until you face this and I think a sympathetic counselor could help you understand yourself better, and help you figure out how find relief from your distress.

Please find a counselor and go. For your own sake.