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Old 12-26-2013, 10:03 AM
 
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Hey all! I want to preface this thread by saying I'm NOT suicidal. I was suicidal in high school, but I overcame that stage in my life. I remember reading that suicide is the most punishable of all deaths in the afterlife and that had a heavy influence on my thinking. Also, I have a great, supportive family who I could never do that to in addition to a life insurance policy that would be void if I committed suicide.

With that said, I feel like I'm ready to die. I feel like I've done everything I've wanted to do, been everywhere I wanted to be, and seen everything I've wanted to see. While I'm not happy with my life, I'm too complacent and comfortable to change and improve my situation. After years of low self-esteem issues, I have come to the realization that despite all my flaws, I am fine. After being academically dismissed from law school, I have been stuck at the same entry-level job for the last 15 years and have no desire for more. I went on hundreds of job interviews in my twenties, but I never received a job offer once. I have Asperger's Syndrome (not that this is an excuse because many with AS are successful) and my lack of eye contact and weird speech and mannerisms most likely turned off potential employers. After that, I gave up. I hate my job, but I have no other career aspirations. My interests are weird and not bankable so doing what I love isn't really an option.

Socially I only have one friend online and have never been in a relationship. Social relationships are tough for me, and I don't anticipate ever having a girlfriend. Besides I'm most comfortable alone anyway.

I've had a really rough year with a bunch of minor things happening. I went on a vacation of a lifetime to Arizona in February, but had an ear infection the entire time that impacted my hearing. Then I came home and almost got kicked out of my apartment due to my own negligence. Then I had a minor bug issue in my apartment. And I have also had minor health issues to deal with all year (my current issue is sciatica). Nothing major. Just typical life stuff, but still a real pain. I hope 2014 is better.

I'm obviously oversensitive to failures and I'm not looking for sympathy here. I've made my bed and lie in it everyday. I realize my problems are trivial compared to most people's. I just posted the above for understanding purposes. I was just wondering if anybody else feels the same way.

Does anybody feel (or has anyone felt) like they fulfilled their purpose on Earth and like they're ready to die just so they don't have to deal with the struggles of living anymore? And, also, any thoughts on how to get out of this rut and line of thinking? Thanks!

Last edited by maniac77; 12-26-2013 at 10:30 AM..
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Old 12-26-2013, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Northeastern US
20,024 posts, read 13,501,689 times
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My 27 year old son is a high functioning Aspie and it's probably safe to say that I lean slightly that way, though not enough for a diagnosis. So I have some understanding of your perceptual world. At 56, I am "ready to die" but it's more a matter of having dealt with the fact of my own mortality than anything else. That I don't see a reason to turn handsprings about the sheer joy of experiencing my life, or that my life's story arc is not disappointment-free, is no reason to say that my life isn't worth living. I don't believe that one's emotional response or the intensity of it, is by itself a reliable indicator of quality-of-life. And it's certainly not an indicator of my responsibilities or my ability to do meaningful things or to find meaning or make meaning for myself.

People with more emotional range tend to think that others will / should feel the same "unicorns and butterflies" that they do about life, or if they do not have such feelings, they have some sort of attitude problem. In fact, an Aspie's matter-of-fact approach to life (and death) can seem disturbing or "off" to them. The truth is, their need to impose a certain "spin" on life experiences seems off to ME.

As for getting out of the rut ... you need a well-defined empirical approach. Some skillfully administered CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) could be useful. If you're on the autism spectrum, then rigid thinking can be an issue, so professional help with re-framing your thought patterns can help you get "unstuck" where you feel stuck ... e.g., being "oversensitive to failure" (which, in CBT parlance, is all-or-nothing thinking and filtering of reality). Remember that actions beget habits which beget thoughts which beget feelings. Consistently being "oversensitive to failure" means your habitual thoughts about failure (or even what actually constitutes failure) keep you from seeing the equally valid positives, e.g., that failures are learning opportunities and allow you to make adjustments so that you're more likely to succeed on the next attempt.

If there's one thing my son seems to have trouble with, it's finding the internal motivation to establish habits in his rational self-interest and thereby change his habitual thoughts and feelings about certain things. Or to choose the habits he DOES establish, from a menu of possibilities, without taking the short term easy choice which ultimately causes all sorts of problems. For example, he choses not to floss and brush and I have had to intervene 3 times now since he was on his own for emergency dental repairs lest he lose his teeth and get bone infections and the like. He's incredibly bright and perceptive and creative but there are just certain things like this where his self awareness does not penetrate and the accumulated consequences get him eventually into big trouble.

Reading between the lines, I sense some of this may be true for you ... I am getting my son CBT and we'll see how this works. You may wish to consider that as well. It costs money, true. But two things have shifted that make it possible for my son now. One, Obamacare / Affordable Care Act has made him eligible on his income for subsidized healthcare in the new year, and so he has a decent Blue Cross policy at a price he can afford, which "should" pay for his mental health care. Two, he's willing to work through the county mental health department which has a sliding scale down to $5/hr even if you're uninsured or under-insured.

I guarantee you there are ways to view your situation that you are overlooking, but you are not going to think your own way out of them, likely, if you haven't by now. A good therapist who you can respect and trust can be a huge help here. Also, speaking as a parent who worries about his son's long-term well-being given that I'm not always going to be around for him ... it's better to have a professional support system built up around yourself so that your loved ones can stick to their proper role, not as caretakers or policemen or amateur shrinks, but just to be present, loving and supportive and accepting.
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Old 12-26-2013, 03:25 PM
 
Location: Squirrel Hill PA
2,195 posts, read 2,591,538 times
Reputation: 4553
I can fully understand the feeling. But that can change if you find a new outlook on things.

Any rate you may be ready to die but you are not dying yet so might as well make the best of it while you have to be here right?

Life is not always sheer joy excitement and handsprings. Sometimes it is simple quiet contentment. And that is worth discovering in itself.
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Old 12-26-2013, 05:24 PM
 
1,580 posts, read 1,463,107 times
Reputation: 2270
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant View Post
My 27 year old son is a high functioning Aspie and it's probably safe to say that I lean slightly that way, though not enough for a diagnosis. So I have some understanding of your perceptual world. At 56, I am "ready to die" but it's more a matter of having dealt with the fact of my own mortality than anything else. That I don't see a reason to turn handsprings about the sheer joy of experiencing my life, or that my life's story arc is not disappointment-free, is no reason to say that my life isn't worth living. I don't believe that one's emotional response or the intensity of it, is by itself a reliable indicator of quality-of-life. And it's certainly not an indicator of my responsibilities or my ability to do meaningful things or to find meaning or make meaning for myself.

People with more emotional range tend to think that others will / should feel the same "unicorns and butterflies" that they do about life, or if they do not have such feelings, they have some sort of attitude problem. In fact, an Aspie's matter-of-fact approach to life (and death) can seem disturbing or "off" to them. The truth is, their need to impose a certain "spin" on life experiences seems off to ME.

As for getting out of the rut ... you need a well-defined empirical approach. Some skillfully administered CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) could be useful. If you're on the autism spectrum, then rigid thinking can be an issue, so professional help with re-framing your thought patterns can help you get "unstuck" where you feel stuck ... e.g., being "oversensitive to failure" (which, in CBT parlance, is all-or-nothing thinking and filtering of reality). Remember that actions beget habits which beget thoughts which beget feelings. Consistently being "oversensitive to failure" means your habitual thoughts about failure (or even what actually constitutes failure) keep you from seeing the equally valid positives, e.g., that failures are learning opportunities and allow you to make adjustments so that you're more likely to succeed on the next attempt.

If there's one thing my son seems to have trouble with, it's finding the internal motivation to establish habits in his rational self-interest and thereby change his habitual thoughts and feelings about certain things. Or to choose the habits he DOES establish, from a menu of possibilities, without taking the short term easy choice which ultimately causes all sorts of problems. For example, he choses not to floss and brush and I have had to intervene 3 times now since he was on his own for emergency dental repairs lest he lose his teeth and get bone infections and the like. He's incredibly bright and perceptive and creative but there are just certain things like this where his self awareness does not penetrate and the accumulated consequences get him eventually into big trouble.

Reading between the lines, I sense some of this may be true for you ... I am getting my son CBT and we'll see how this works. You may wish to consider that as well. It costs money, true. But two things have shifted that make it possible for my son now. One, Obamacare / Affordable Care Act has made him eligible on his income for subsidized healthcare in the new year, and so he has a decent Blue Cross policy at a price he can afford, which "should" pay for his mental health care. Two, he's willing to work through the county mental health department which has a sliding scale down to $5/hr even if you're uninsured or under-insured.

I guarantee you there are ways to view your situation that you are overlooking, but you are not going to think your own way out of them, likely, if you haven't by now. A good therapist who you can respect and trust can be a huge help here. Also, speaking as a parent who worries about his son's long-term well-being given that I'm not always going to be around for him ... it's better to have a professional support system built up around yourself so that your loved ones can stick to their proper role, not as caretakers or policemen or amateur shrinks, but just to be present, loving and supportive and accepting.
Thanks for your brilliant post! I can definitely relate to your son (and the example you provided) as I lack internal motivation as well. Most of my trouble stems from avoiding small issues that end up manifesting into major problems. I hope your son improves and you can find peace with that situation. Bless you for being a parent of someone with AS. I definitely plan on seeking help from a mental professional once I get my affordable plan via Obamacare. I always thought seeing a therapist would be costly and never looked into it for that reason alone. But maybe it will be economically feasible now. I think just talking this stuff out or getting cognitive behavioral therapy is the way to go for me. I agree there are probably some deep-seated issues that I'm unaware of that have contributed to my current cognitive condition. And maybe resolving those can get me unstuck.
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Old 12-26-2013, 05:39 PM
 
7,492 posts, read 11,835,038 times
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I could've written your post I relate so much. I've had a lot of the same issues. I don't think I'm on the autism spectrum but I have issues with depression. I can't seem to figure out what my purpose on this planet is and I've gone through times where I flat out resented being alive and having been born, but that's no way to live. Someone mentioned to me that Obamacare could help me get insurance so that I can talk to someone because I have a lot of anger at my family and some for society in general. I can't keep putting it on people who really can't help. They have their own problems too. But I know it's not healthy to keep carrying it around either and it certainly hasn't helped me to do so.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:00 PM
 
1,580 posts, read 1,463,107 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowfax View Post
I can fully understand the feeling. But that can change if you find a new outlook on things.

Any rate you may be ready to die but you are not dying yet so might as well make the best of it while you have to be here right?

Life is not always sheer joy excitement and handsprings. Sometimes it is simple quiet contentment. And that is worth discovering in itself.
You're exactly right about life. I definitely have moments of simple, quiet contentment that I enjoy immensely. They just tend to get overshadowed by the negativity my mind chooses to focus on.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:11 PM
 
1,580 posts, read 1,463,107 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
I could've written your post I relate so much. I've had a lot of the same issues. I don't think I'm on the autism spectrum but I have issues with depression. I can't seem to figure out what my purpose on this planet is and I've gone through times where I flat out resented being alive and having been born, but that's no way to live. Someone mentioned to me that Obamacare could help me get insurance so that I can talk to someone because I have a lot of anger at my family and some for society in general. I can't keep putting it on people who really can't help. They have their own problems too. But I know it's not healthy to keep carrying it around either and it certainly hasn't helped me to do so.
I can relate to your post as well. I definitely think both of us would benefit from seeing a therapist. Even if the therapy sessions aren't effective, simply seeking help from others who can potentially help us is such a huge, positive step that we owe to ourselves. I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:25 PM
 
13,388 posts, read 6,446,248 times
Reputation: 10022
Quote:
Originally Posted by maniac77 View Post
I can relate to your post as well. I definitely think both of us would benefit from seeing a therapist. Even if the therapy sessions aren't effective, simply seeking help from others who can potentially help us is such a huge, positive step that we owe to ourselves. I wish you the best of luck.

I agree that you could benefit from therapy. Especially Cognitive Therapy which helps you shift negative thinking to something more positive. In the meantime, you might want to get a book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It explains how negative thinking can lead to depression and would be an excellent way to get a head start on therapy.

Perhaps joining a support group for people with Aspergers either online or in real time would expand your social life.

Is there somewhere you can volunteer? The best way to take our mind off our own problems is often helping others.

Good luck. I think its good that you are reaching out to other people for insight and/or suggestions.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:40 PM
 
1,580 posts, read 1,463,107 times
Reputation: 2270
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
I agree that you could benefit from therapy. Especially Cognitive Therapy which helps you shift negative thinking to something more positive. In the meantime, you might want to get a book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It explains how negative thinking can lead to depression and would be an excellent way to get a head start on therapy.

Perhaps joining a support group for people with Aspergers either online or in real time would expand your social life.

Is there somewhere you can volunteer? The best way to take our mind off our own problems is often helping others.

Good luck. I think its good that you are reaching out to other people for insight and/or suggestions.
Thanks for all the recommendations! I'll definitely check out that book. I'm trying to force myself to be social (that's why I joined C-D) so joining a support group online would be a good option as well. I'm borderline agoraphobic and have difficulty in social situations, but I agree that volunteer work would definitely be a good thing to do down the road. For now I just think it's important that I do me and finally get the help I should've gotten 15 years ago. Baby steps.
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Old 12-26-2013, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Northeastern US
20,024 posts, read 13,501,689 times
Reputation: 9952
Quote:
Originally Posted by maniac77 View Post
Thanks for all the recommendations! I'll definitely check out that book. I'm trying to force myself to be social (that's why I joined C-D) so joining a support group online would be a good option as well. I'm borderline agoraphobic and have difficulty in social situations, but I agree that volunteer work would definitely be a good thing to do down the road. For now I just think it's important that I do me and finally get the help I should've gotten 15 years ago. Baby steps.
One step at a time, yes ... that's the spirit. You can do it! :-)
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