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Is it wrong to want to have feelings validated once in a while, or someone I can vent to who will not be critical of me as a person and be supportive?
I have to say, I gave up telling people my feelings because they were negative in response. I didn't get encouragement or support for how I felt. A lot of blame game, snide remarks, sarcasm, lack of seriousness, blowing my feelings off, ignoring, inappropriate comments, etc. People were harsh with me (i.e. family, friends, husband, etc.). These days I really don't tell anyone how I feel because I was so sick and tired of having my feelings and thoughts critized. Having to live like this for so long, it gets you fearful of mingling with people who may be good for you, or even not remembering how to anymore if that makes sense. It shuts you down, and you don't know how to get it back. I have lied about my feelings for months, because last few times I opened up the results were disastorous. I'd love to talk to someone who can actually be a part of my life (not a shrink who is just an objective observer with no personal stake), about something besides last nights episode of Big Bang Theory, my latest recipe, or one of my plethera of pets. My life has become a shallow mess because when it goes beyond that, I get really hurt. I just don't have the strength right now to handle a lot of criticism, but I am lonely and want to open up - it is like a unbalanced teeter-toter.
I don't want to get into too many details of what was said, how it was said, etc. because this post would be too long. It just happened a lot, and I went through a lot (death of my Mom in October, totalling a car, a harassing work situation, nasty treatment from a stepson, estrangement from an older sibling, etc). I'm even afraid to tell people I work out 4-5 times a week because I have gotten negativity for that in the past (like, why haven't you lost weight yet, must be nice to have that much time on your hand, etc. - I have heard it all in the past). I'm afraid to even tell anyone I miss my Mom, because when I have previously negative, nasty things were said like "or, you are still thinking about that?", so I haven't told anyone since the beginning of the new year that I think about her everyday and miss her. I let others do the talking, and have learned to ask questions so I can avoid talking about myself.
I try to read encouraging thoughts and sayings, as well as even scripture - once in a while it works but most of the time it seems to be written from a different perspective so it doesn't help. Occassionally, as crazy as this sounds, when I am alone I talk and cry to my pets. They seem to have more empathy than humans, and actually seem in tuned emotionally with me. It's weird to have a dog and a bunch of parrots show you more feeling validation than a human. They get sweet, physically close, and have a concerned look. Yes they are only animals, but it serves a need, don't judge! But, I am lonely and scared...
It's called EGO. Ego wants to feel vindicated for any regression, real or imagined.
On a physical level if you want to meet your ego cut out your favorite food. It's an interesting experience if you can ride it out for say 3 days....Although 2 weeks will teach you more.
I think it's normal to want to be validated or "mirrored." It's nice that you feel supported by your animals. After you have a session where you cry, be sure to reassure them - it upsets animals to see their humans in distress. Tell them you were just venting and thank them for being there for you.
You may be caught in a negative loop - according to the Law of Attraction, when you vent, you are "out of the vortex" and anyone you vent to will become "out of the vortex" by joining you. Also, in a Course in Miracles, it is taught that empathy weakens the person you are empathetic to . . .
I would listen to some uplifting material on YouTube if I were you - and also go to your friends and get together and try to enjoy yourself and be positive.
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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Many folks are happy just to be "good listeners" and offer some sympathetic feedback and "validation". But just seeking a good "sounding board", and coming across as a needy basketcase are very different things… which elicit very different reactions!
Are you sure that "validation" is all you're looking for? If not, it might be time to have a chat with a "paid friend", aka, a professional therapist. Even one visit might help "clarify" a lot of things, and many offer "sliding scales". So just call around and ask 'til you find someone who "feels right". Good luck!
Psychology Today: Find a Therapist Detailed professional listings for local Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Therapists, Counselors, Group Therapy and Treatment Centers in the United States and Canada.
You've had a lot of stuff to vent about, and you may have burned out your friends/family. I have good friends who are happy to let me vent, but, I can tell when I need to stop. Now I try to spread it around, LOL! And be sure I balance listening with venting. And to have our time together be positive more often than negative.
Shrinks are great for venting. Venting to them is free - as far as having to balance the relationship, etc. You get to vent and be all about you. Then, to keep your friends, you may have to not vent to them very often. If they ask, you can say something vague like, well, I'm working on some issues - but that's what shrinks are for, right, ha ha!" Then ask about how your friend is.
The thing is, you can be validated that yes, it makes sense that you are mad, angry, depressed, etc. But, asking people to put up with your anger, depression, etc., is completely different. They may agree 100% that you have the right to be upset, angry, suicidal - but that doesn't mean they will want to be around it.
I hope that makes sense. I have learned this from experience. I recently went through about a month of drama, and was venting, mainly by email to some friends. I could tell when I was starting to wear them down, so I stopped venting to them. Or, rather, I spread it around lol! One drama for this friend this week, different drama for different friend the next week, etc.
Anyway, know that your feelings are likely valid, but your friends are only human and trying to keep their own attitudes positive.
I would highly suggest learning about how to change the way you think. Over the last year, I was in a support group for depression (I know sounds awful, right?). But, it was fantastic. It was run by a licensed social worker and a peer support person through my county. The goal was not to let people vent about how depressed they were, but to teach us skills on how to change our thinking and behavior. It really works.
I'm not saying you're nuts. But, anyone can benefit from these skills. Just glean the tidbits that you can use. I'm sure you can buy books. We got tons of handouts, which I kept.
CBT is about changing how you think. For instance, if you have the thought, "I'm such a loser," you then can ask yourself, "Oh yeah, what are the facts?" Then you ask yourself or write down all of the things you are good at or successful at. Pretty soon it becomes apparent that you're not a loser, so the thought loses merit.
This was originally created to treat borderline personality disorder, but don't let that scare you. Basically, this is about balance. When your mind goes to far one way - like being really angry or anxious, or goes totally in the other direction, where all you want to do is sleep - what you do is look for a state of being that's in the middle. It's called the Wise Mind. Basically, it's about creating balance in your life and thinking. Finding the middle ground.
This is about changing your behavior. So, when you feel like climbing into bed, you don't. You go for a walk. When I was super depressed, and trying to get out and it was really hot in the summer, I would go to the Grocery Outlet store in my town lol! It gave me a destination that was air conditioned, I could afford to shop there - I'd give myself a limit of $5.00. I love shopping for deals, so the next thing you know, I'm focused on finding a great deal and voila! I no longer feel like climbing into bed.
These examples may or may not apply to you, but I can see that you're not happy and are dealing with a lot of stuff, and I thought that the skills that help me, might help you, too.
Last edited by NoMoreSnowForMe; 01-28-2014 at 08:23 PM..
I guess maybe counseling will help, I just don't know if I have the guts to tell things to total strangers. I barely tell those close to me what is going on, let alone someone I don't know and trust. I guess that is why I don't join support groups, I am just afraid to speak my mind, end up just being a person who listens, and is afraid that I won't get listened to, or be criticized if I speak. I guess I just need to change the way I think, but maybe the shyness is good in a way so I don't get hurt again?
It's way safer to tell things to a shrink/counselor. They will keep your stuff private, and look at things objectively. It really helps to get an opinion from someone who has no vested interest.
I agree about support groups, if you're in a small town and they may tell other people what you say. The group I went to was in the SF Bay Area, where you rarely run into people you know, unless you plan to meet. But, even so, I didn't tell them everything I told my counselor.
BTW, all shrinks are not equal. If you get one you don't like, keep shopping.
Your post should be entitled "Needing validation."
Its a source of dissatisfaction.
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