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Old 02-27-2014, 07:58 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,972 posts, read 27,364,015 times
Reputation: 15922

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Long story short, my dear sister is going through a painful divorce and she is working with a therapist at the moment.

Her soon to be ex husband, on the other hand has told their mutual friends that the divorce is all my sister's fault and he conveniently omitted the information that he has cheated on her so many times with so many different women.

He told their mutual friends that, my sister was manipulative, clingy, controlling and she also refused to deal with her depression problem.

Mutual friends also told us that he has been posting messages on fb that he is very glad that my sister is out of the picture, but he will always be the best father he can be.

Now mind you that my soon to be brother in law is a man in his early 40s!! He used to be a college professor. He quit his job because he "couldn't get along with his coworkers."

My sister is a trust fund baby and her income supports the whole family. (her own family)

Also, my brother in law filed for divorce, not my sister.

What is the psychology behind his odd behavior? Does he still have "feelings" for my sister?! I learned from a therapist a long time ago that anger and obsessive of trash talking of an ex = unresolved feelings.

Is it true? I told my sister stop over analyzing his behavior just move on with her life. But she needs some closure.

Any advice? Thank you all in advance.
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Old 02-27-2014, 09:13 PM
 
874 posts, read 1,642,736 times
Reputation: 790
It doesn't seem like it's about "badmouthing" exes. It sounds like he is simply an egotistical, unloving husband, who cheats on his spouse and takes out his anger on other people.

It also sounds like he has low self-esteem if he can't admit mistakes and be a man. If he can't even get along with co-workers, then he is very immature for a person of his age.

This involves sociology.
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Old 02-27-2014, 10:49 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,963,836 times
Reputation: 50789
Your BIL is a jerk. He has probably always been a jerk, and he will probably always be a jerk. People who know him, know this. They will automatically discount what he says, because they know he is a jerk.

Obviously, your sister is better off without him, but she may not know it now.
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Old 02-28-2014, 06:55 AM
 
936 posts, read 2,054,309 times
Reputation: 2253
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Long story short, my dear sister is going through a painful divorce and she is working with a therapist at the moment.

Her soon to be ex husband, on the other hand has told their mutual friends that the divorce is all my sister's fault and he conveniently omitted the information that he has cheated on her so many times with so many different women.

He told their mutual friends that, my sister was manipulative, clingy, controlling and she also refused to deal with her depression problem.

Mutual friends also told us that he has been posting messages on fb that he is very glad that my sister is out of the picture, but he will always be the best father he can be.

Now mind you that my soon to be brother in law is a man in his early 40s!! He used to be a college professor. He quit his job because he "couldn't get along with his coworkers."

My sister is a trust fund baby and her income supports the whole family. (her own family)

Also, my brother in law filed for divorce, not my sister.

What is the psychology behind his odd behavior? Does he still have "feelings" for my sister?! I learned from a therapist a long time ago that anger and obsessive of trash talking of an ex = unresolved feelings.

Is it true? I told my sister stop over analyzing his behavior just move on with her life. But she needs some closure.

Any advice? Thank you all in advance.
1.) He may or may not have "feelings for" your sister. He clearly still has "feelings about" your sister. And the unresolved feelings the therapist was talking about were more likely "feelings about" than "feelings for".

2.) It sounds like your STBXBIL is turning to others to validate his anger, frustration, et al., and gain some social support from people he thinks of as friends. He might also be trying to undermine her potential or actual support by making their mutual friends choose one side or the other. Not the best move to make socially. But lots of people make it...so there's that.

3.) The real question I have is: what are you looking to get out of coming here and trashing your STBXBIL to all of us? Like silibran said, he's clearly acting like a jerk, and from what you've said, is probably well known to be a jerk. So why are you coming to us with this?
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Old 02-28-2014, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,972 posts, read 27,364,015 times
Reputation: 15922
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post

Is it true? I told my sister stop over analyzing his behavior just move on with her life. But she needs some closure.

Any advice? Thank you all in advance.
answered your question?

By the way, thank you for your input.
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Old 02-28-2014, 02:28 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,282,661 times
Reputation: 43042
Narcissists will always blame everyone but themselves. Your brother-in-law sure sounds like he's one. Your sister will never have closure if she's looking to get it from this guy. She needs to just write him off and take the high road. The sooner she excises him from her life as much as possible, the sooner she can get on with things.
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Old 02-28-2014, 03:17 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,972 posts, read 27,364,015 times
Reputation: 15922
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Narcissists will always blame everyone but themselves. Your brother-in-law sure sounds like he's one. Your sister will never have closure if she's looking to get it from this guy. She needs to just write him off and take the high road. The sooner she excises him from her life as much as possible, the sooner she can get on with things.
Thank you Jrz I can always count on you for great advice. Take care!! and I agree
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Old 02-28-2014, 03:45 PM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,282,661 times
Reputation: 43042
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Thank you Jrz I can always count on you for great advice. Take care!! and I agree
You too! Glad it was helpful

You should've seen the contortions my father went through to justify cheating on my mother. In retrospect, it's kind of comical and pathetic.

I just hope your sister's kids get a clear picture of who their dad is early on!
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Old 02-28-2014, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
38,972 posts, read 27,364,015 times
Reputation: 15922
My two precious nephews will someday have a step mom and or dad. Thinking about this just gives me a headache. Thanks again.
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Old 03-01-2014, 09:55 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,478,218 times
Reputation: 22471
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Is it true? I told my sister stop over analyzing his behavior just move on with her life. But she needs some closure.

Any advice? Thank you all in advance.
Some people are better off not in a relationship -- she needs to stop worrying about what he says and does --- and remember that "exes" very often remind you why they are exes.

The problem is if they have kids together, there really can be a reality of that "until death do us part" vow they made --- she just needs to stop allowing an ex to control her feelings and get herself in control of them.

She should get involved in work or other activities. She should look around and see that other people have it way way worse -- divorce is not even close to being the worst thing that can happen. Try cancer or something really major. It's always best to look at what you still have and stop fretting over what you don't have.
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