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Do you remember most hurtful things that were ever said about you or have you been able to put them 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind?' How do the bad things said compare to the good ones in terms of remembering and forgetting?
Well taking a class on psychology and understanding other people - understanding their motives, for saying hurtful things to others, can be a BIG help toward dismissing/ignoring these things.
And if you hang around with "nice" people most of the time, then one nasty person comes along and says something mean, it is easy to disregard it, being as no one else says those things.
I guess that is pretty much it so far as I am concerned. I know the mean things people say are all about the person's dysfunctional life and has little to do with myself (people accuse others of what they are themselves - A thief will accuse other of stealing for example). Or they have some self-centered motive which drives them to put down other people. Or they are just negative people - not capable of ever saying anything nice.
My advice - don't hang around with those people. Walk away from them in mid-sentence if they are saying nasty things to you. You don't have to stand there and listen to them, they are not your friends.
Do you remember most hurtful things that were ever said about you or have you been able to put them 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind?' How do the bad things said compare to the good ones in terms of remembering and forgetting?
I have accepted "bad" memories of mental cruelty, but I have also had to accept the resulting scars, collateral damage to my ability and willingness to trust, etc.
Memory of any experience is aided by any strong emotional content that is attached to it. Sometimes in fact only the emotional content remains or is far more vivid than the associated events. In extreme form, this is what brings about PTSD.
My brain seems to have erased most of my first marriage (which is another way of saying, the first 15 years of my adult life). It was an extremely abusive relationship for me, she was diagnosed both as paranoid schizophrenic and borderline personality disorder. I can't remember specifics even if I try though, which astounds me, as I thought that sort of thing was the stuff of Hollywood movie scripts. In some ways I actually think it is healthy, as what really are the alternatives -- to brood about it? Let go and move on seems a better approach, and if my brain spares me the details, it only facilitates that. I've been able to move on. I still remember compartments of it that I need to, such as raising my children during that time (as best I could), work-related experiences, and a few scattered specific events such as waking up one night with my wife in a trance-like state, holding a butcher knife over me. But if I sat down with a therapist today and he bid me give some examples of these traumatic experiences, I basically could not come up with any real specifics relating to how she expressed her ungovernable rage toward me, the specific things she said, etc. I'm just staring at a blank screen or maybe a test pattern. And since I don't have depression or anxiety issues about it, I can't see any percentage in trying to dredge it up in some way (hypnosis??). What's far more relevant than the past, to me, is the present and how I'm coping with it. I suspect that if I WERE having issues, the objective of therapy would be to get me to the place I already am in that regard.
Yeah, it's funny that the emotional content of experiences that we remember because of the emotional content, is usually negative. It's much more often that someone awakes in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat because of some trauma being relived directly or indirectly in a dream. It's pretty rare that you wake up because of something positive being re-experienced. Even rarer that waking flashbacks are about positive things. Our horrors apparently tend to be more vivid and rattling than our best positives. I suppose that says something about how worthwhile it really is to chase one's happy illusions and fantasies.
Once I asked my step-father if he remembered the first time he hit/beat me, he said no. I decided to forget it too or at least put it aside. Looking back I see how it was my mother who was behind the beatings. It would have been much harder to admit that as a child.
As far as teachers go the only one's name I recall was the one who used to pull my hair and otherwise abuse me in class.
The best thing about living past 50 is growing out of your childhood traumas. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't. It would be like watching the same bad movie over and over.
Once I asked my step-father if he remembered the first time he hit/beat me, he said no. I decided to forget it too or at least put it aside. Looking back I see how it was my mother who was behind the beatings. It would have been much harder to admit that as a child.
As far as teachers go the only one's name I recall was the one who used to pull my hair and otherwise abuse me in class.
The best thing about living past 50 is growing out of your childhood traumas. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't. It would be like watching the same bad movie over and over.
Ah yes, i still remember my 3rd grade teacher's name ... a real child-hating b__ch on wheels, that one ... but I also remember the names of a couple of favorites. Thankfully my 4th grade teacher undid the damage from the 3rd grade.
I tend much more to remember the hurtful and hateful things I've done and said to people than what others have done to me. I remember those, too, but they don't make me as sad as the things I've said to people out of ignorance, frustration or anger that I wish I could take back.
I tend much more to remember the hurtful and hateful things I've done and said to people than what others have done to me. I remember those, too, but they don't make me as sad as the things I've said to people out of ignorance, frustration or anger that I wish I could take back.
This resonates with me. Though I remember one hurtful relationship with unpleasant vividness, there are at least two incidents in my life in which I wronged someone that make me cringe each time I they cross my mind.
One in particular I regret so much that I periodically search the internet for this person in order to make contact, because after my outburst of temper I moved and he moved and we were in different parts of the country and totally lost contact.
This resonates with me. Though I remember one hurtful relationship with unpleasant vividness, there are at least two incidents in my life in which I wronged someone that make me cringe each time I they cross my mind.
One in particular I regret so much that I periodically search the internet for this person in order to make contact, because after my outburst of temper I moved and he moved and we were in different parts of the country and totally lost contact.
I hope you find this person. If you haven't already tried it, the People Search thread on C-D is another good resource. Some of the posters are really good at tracking people down.
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