I'm Curious (Teasing vs. Bullying info requested.) (men, woman, mom)

[krmb]

I guess I will be the first to answer. It's just for fun, but I kind of wish I could get an expert's opinion on this. I would like to hear from the experts on this social dynamic, but I think I would also like to hear from others, too. Please answer one or more of the following questions, if you don't mind.

Have you ever had a moment where you were embarrassed in public, apparently by circumstance? If so, what happened, and how did you cope?

When I was in ninth grade, I had too many embarrassing moments, but two highlights nearly got me ostracized by the student body. Here's one. I was somewhat innocently admiring the shape of one of my classmates and didn't realize that I had turned my head, face, and eyes so that it looked to all around that I was staring squarely at her bum. It wasn't long before she noticed, too. I'm pretty sure she thought I was a pervert. Oh my that was so terrible. I don't think I've ever been so humiliated in all of my life. The student was a foreign girl who called her other foreign classmates and started shouting about it in another language. That was so humiliating that I hated myself for days after that and couldn't really bring myself to feel comfortable looking at another girl, lest I accidentally commit such a relationship damaging faux pas.

Have you ever intentionally embarrassed someone in public? If so, what tactics did you use? How did the person react? What did you expect to gain?

I never successfully did so, but I did make like an anti-bullying PSA with a twist and get on stage and tell embarrassing stories, although innocent, about a few classmates that no one, not even the teachers, could stand. Karma is nasty. I kind of feel like part of the reason I have so much trouble with my social relationships today is because I picked on people as a kid.

Have you ever been publicly embarrassed by someone? If yes, how did you react? What were your coping strategies? Was the initiator a stranger, a friend, or an acquaintance?

My mom used to always embarrass me; it was like she did it on purpose or something. Because of it, I became increasingly afraid of talking to people, especially women, which in turn made people think of me as more awkward, I guess. I had an easier time talking to my dad and maybe men in general.

Has anyone ever used public humiliation as a psychological weapon against you at a job or in a school setting? If so, please share your story.

Here's one example. I admired a leader-type in my gym class. She would have none of me, though, and was apparently annoyed at my desire to hangout with her. She started making up stories about me, and other students had no problem joining in. She accused me of being a pervert, and, apparently, for the student body, the story was believable. Most people picked on me after that, especially in the area of relationships. I was afraid to date in high school, because I was sure it was just going to be another opportunity for someone to tell me how disgusting everyone thought I was.

Have you ever used public humiliation as a psychological weapon against someone else? If so, please share your story.

I think in most cases I lacked the sophistication needed to execute these things properly. I sometimes told jokes and got laughs at other people's expense, though. My victories, however, were generally short-lived.

Were you ever emotionally bullied at school?

Almost one-hundred percent of all of the bullying I received was emotional; I was excluded, hated, nearly called a dog to my face! Elementary school was the worst. Children said silly little mean things to me that I took very personally.

Do you think that people who bully, publicly humiliate, or embarrass others, not necessarily to be mean, are more outgoing and friendly or less?

I'm not sure. The friendly bully may be just a figment of someone's imagination. It seems like when girls and women have social power, they often use it for the wrong reasons. If she does exist, though, I would like to meet her. Sometimes, brothers fight each other, not to be mean, but to toughen each other up. I suppose the equivalent of that for a girl would be a woman who emotionally bullies and teases in order to make her fellow females stronger by helping them see teasing as either frivolous fun or a necessary evil.

Is there a place for psychological play in friendships or other relationships? For instance, have you ever teased your teenagers about obvious faults or flaws in hopes that they would start to laugh at themselves and not see any form of teasing as a big deal? If so, how well did that work? If you think there is a place for psychological play, what rules would you set for those who participate in it?

Although there may be a place for psychological play in close friendships and family relationships, I think that a person should be careful about executing it. If the other person, child or adult, does not see it as play, then there's a communication issue. Playful teasing is okay, in my opinion, if and only if both parties agree to it. I don't think I can tell you of all of the times I've received teasing that did not consider me emotionally; I don't really know what my parents were trying to accomplish, but they really only made me mad. I've also had friends, however, who teased me about things I should have been self-conscious about, and, oddly, the teasing actually made me feel somewhat affirmed by my peer group. It's odd how psychological games can work. Always consider the other person, though, if you feel a need to engage in them.