I’m dating an alcoholic. (boyfriend, responsibility, adult, addiction)

[McGowdog]

Originally Posted by ConeyGirl52

She is not an alcoholic per se. An alcoholic starts their day before even getting out of bed with a drink. The bottle is sitting right next to the bed, or you will find a stash of beer and empty cans underneath the bed. This is daily, and not just on weekends or in the evening.

She may be what is known as a 'social alcoholic' which has nothing to do with true alcoholism. Its more along the lines of, once she gets started its hard for her to stop. Its akin to, she doesnt know her limit. If you dont drink at all, then thats a good thing, because one of you needs to remain straight to make sure both of you dont get into trouble or taken advantage of because of the drunken aftermath.

Rubbish.

You have no clue what an alcoholic is, the various stages within the realm of alcoholic, nor the realm of non-alcoholic hard drinkers.

I know a lot about it from my own direct experience, observations of family, friends, etc.

All you're doing is blurring the lines of the topic at hand.

Not all alcoholics drink around the clock. Some hard-drinkers do however.

Women can become full-blown alcoholics in four years where some men take 20+ years to do so.

This is why it's so hard to fit the malady into a neat and consistent formula.

Originally Posted by BOS2IAD

^This is not true for all alcoholics. Both my mother and brother were alcoholics and neither kept a bottle right next to the bed. Nor did they hide their empties under the bed. You can't make a statement like you did and say that all alcoholics are the same.

Correct. I had a time when I was like a continuous hard drinker when my ex-wife and I were drinking daily for a long period of time, playing lots of volleyball, weekend parties, drinking with our parents, getting along fine in our jobs, and I could get by coming to bed late and pretty smashed, and just bring a stiff Bourbon and coke to bed with me to sip on until a few hours when it was time to get up for work.

I'd wake up, shower, brush my teeth, then off to work where I'd heal up until the day ended, back home to start once again.

Then there were times when I'd go on a drunken bender for days on end, call off sick on Monday, heal up and clean up by Tuesday.

We all drink differently. There are at least five distinct levels of "true", "real" alcoholics that depend on many physiological and other factors.

[ConeyGirl52]

Originally Posted by McGowdog

Rubbish.

You have no clue what an alcoholic is, the various stages within the realm of alcoholic, nor the realm of non-alcoholic hard drinkers.

I know a lot about it from my own direct experience, observations of family, friends, etc.

All you're doing is blurring the lines of the topic at hand.

Not all alcoholics drink around the clock. Some hard-drinkers do however.

Women can become full-blown alcoholics in four years where some men take 20+ years to do so.

This is why it's so hard to fit the malady into a neat and consistent formula.



Correct. I had a time when I was like a continuous hard drinker when my ex-wife and I were drinking daily for a long period of time, playing lots of volleyball, weekend parties, drinking with our parents, getting along fine in our jobs, and I could get by coming to bed late and pretty smashed, and just bring a stiff Bourbon and coke to bed with me to sip on until a few hours when it was time to get up for work.

I'd wake up, shower, brush my teeth, then off to work where I'd heal up until the day ended, back home to start once again.

Then there were times when I'd go on a drunken bender for days on end, call off sick on Monday, heal up and clean up by Tuesday.

We all drink differently. There are at least five distinct levels of "true", "real" alcoholics that depend on many physiological and other factors.

Okay, I know from my own experience as well. Yes, we all drink differently, so maybe your alcoholism WAS true alcoholism. Mine was social. Yes, we all drink differently, and your experience does not make you hold authority over everyone, sorry.

[Marlow]

Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801

Good points.

I was in a wedding once where the bride was an alcoholic. When it was the time that they cut the cake, the guys in the wedding party were singing, "And the bride falls into the cake, and the bride falls into the cake."

Some time after I was talking to her and she told me that she didn't remember her wedding. Her only memory is coming out of the church and seeing her mother throwing rice at her. She remembers going to the church in the limo but she didn't actually remember getting married.

My father was a functioning alcoholic in that he held the same job for 40+ years and always managed to get up and go, but got drunk at home every single night and drank all day on the weekends.

He was drunk at every family gathering we ever had, minor or major. He was a "loving" drunk--never loud or mean or violent. But it was still terrible.

Again to the OP--you're looking at a lifetime of living with a drunk. She may wake up one day and decide to stop drinking, but I would not make any future plans based on that assumption.

[McGowdog]

Originally Posted by ConeyGirl52

Okay, I know from my own experience as well. Yes, we all drink differently, so maybe your alcoholism WAS true alcoholism. Mine was social. Yes, we all drink differently, and your experience does not make you hold authority over everyone, sorry.

True.

But social alcoholic? What in the world is that? He be an alcoholic, social I?

Come on. A social drinker is classified higher... or lower as our perspectives may be... than a potential alky/hard drinker. If we cannot agree what a responsible drinker is vs a hard drinker vs an alcoholic, there's no identification ... then throw in some denial and stigmatism to boot.

Don't take me personal when I'm discussing alcoholism and the recovery from it please. I've been passionate about it since about 1984 and lived around it since I was born.

I consider it life and death stuff.

Please don't consider me an authority on the topic, but what I've been doing has lead to my own personal recovery over the stuff since about 1994 and continuously sober including weekends funerals weddings and Superbowls since the last 10 years.

I've got something that's working and I'm holding onto it. I don't even drink coffee anymore, nor eat candy nor potato chips nor cake nor donuts nor pizza nor... But when I stop drinking booze, that's when I have to embrace a whole new way of life. I was shown very specific and effective directions on how to do this, ones that brought me to an absolutely recovered state of mind and body. For that reason, I must share this info with somebody.

[Serious Conversation]

Making a scene in public is the troubling part. Granted, most drinkers are occasionally going to get wild, but if it's something that is occurring with regularity, she definitely needs help.

I used to be bad about getting drunk in public and making a scene. Never got in a fight or arrested, but have been stumbling around plenty. If someone is obviously out of it, the establishment should and usually does cut them off. If she is getting passed out on the floor drunk, either the establishment isn't following best practices or someone is buying her drinks.

I am a fairly heavy drinker, but grew out of causing scenes in public. The fact that she's doing this so often is the issue, not necessarily the amount or frequency of drinking.

[McGowdog]

Good points.

Then to take that a step further, making a scene in public is bad enough, but our/my reaction to it is telling too.

When you're young and dumb, it's a matter of pride. As we get a decade older, it's about shame. As we progress into the next decade, it becomes about denial. Further than that, apathy I suppose.

Here's another point about the alcoholic. If you don't care about your drinking, I can't care. It's a spiritual law. If you DO care, however, I have to care.

I have no time for anyone who does not even take the dignity to care about their own drinking. Today, I don't suffer fools. I give these folks a wide berth. The only thing worse than a non-caring drunk is the person stuck with them. Harsh, but true.

[ConeyGirl52]

Originally Posted by McGowdog

True.

But social alcoholic? What in the world is that? He be an alcoholic, social I?

Come on. A social drinker is classified higher... or lower as our perspectives may be... than a potential alky/hard drinker. If we cannot agree what a responsible drinker is vs a hard drinker vs an alcoholic, there's no identification ... then throw in some denial and stigmatism to boot.

Don't take me personal when I'm discussing alcoholism and the recovery from it please. I've been passionate about it since about 1984 and lived around it since I was born.

I consider it life and death stuff.

Please don't consider me an authority on the topic, but what I've been doing has lead to my own personal recovery over the stuff since about 1994 and continuously sober including weekends funerals weddings and Superbowls since the last 10 years.

I've got something that's working and I'm holding onto it. I don't even drink coffee anymore, nor eat candy nor potato chips nor cake nor donuts nor pizza nor... But when I stop drinking booze, that's when I have to embrace a whole new way of life. I was shown very specific and effective directions on how to do this, ones that brought me to an absolutely recovered state of mind and body. For that reason, I must share this info with somebody.

There's nothing wrong with sharing, but it felt like you were telling me my story wasnt a true one - when it is. Im happy you have come to recognize and control a problem in yourself - whatever is working cannot be bad.

I think (and I wouldnt claim to be an expert, just sharing those Ive seen and experienced myself) the difference is as I thought I already said, there is no real craving ever. Once sober I never have to drink again, Dont even think about it. Where as Ive seen a true alcoholic friend of mine physically fight over the last swig from the bottle as best as she could. If there was no alcohol around, her entire drive was to find a way to get more any way she could. In her case, her mom was an alcoholic housewife, and her father was always pharma medicated - so maybe she was predestined in a sense to follow that path. It was ordinary to her most of her life.

Every alcoholic Ive ever known (a handful) has the stash of booze within reach from the bed, if they are able to afford to maintain that. Ive never even thought about doing that.

You would think being that I check off 3 very good boxes geneticly (so I have read) - Female, Irish, Native American - when it comes to being more suseptible to alcoholism and lacking an ability to control their drinking - I would have definately evolved into a true alcoholic, but I didnt.

'Social alcoholics' really only drink hard in social settings, be it wine with dinner at home with the significant other - or someones birthday party, and God help them during a night of partying and clubbing.

I was always so drunk in these settings that I could not move or even open my eyes, but could talk and was mentally aware of what was happening around me. Ive also experienced the reverse, was somehow walking and talking and doing all kinds of things that I would retain no memory of and couldnt believe I was capable of when told about it later on.

I guess a good analogy for a 'social alcoholic' would be like 'priming the pump'. The craving doesnt exist or kick in until after the first couple of drinks - then they dont stop drinking until they can no longer hold the drink. Oddly, from my experience, I would keep drinking in that state if someone else held the bottle for me.

Alcoholics seem to prefer to drink alone - not that they wont drink socially - but like the ring in The Hobbit, they have a more "the precious - its mine!!!" attitude about it from my experience (this is not saying they dont ever share either). I never had a need or desire to drink alone, but in the social setting wanted to be just like everyone else, and feel like the life of the party. Sadly, the opposite usually proved to be true.

A true alcoholic, as they maintain a relatively constant blood alcohol level, can achieve unconsicousness after drinking very little. It takes a bit more (and more, and more) for the social alcoholic to achieve that.

I was in a relationship when I quit drinking. We kept having drunken arguements that I was told I was always responsible for (both of us achieveing the same level of drunkeness). Our memories of what happened did not always agree, and sometimes I couldnt always defend myself simply because I had no memory of it. So, I said to myself, "Fine. Im not going to drink anymore. We will see whose fault it was." That was enough for me to quit. At the very least, someone in the relationship needs to stay sober, lol.

I can drink now. I can have annisette in my demitasse with no problem. Infrequently, my husband and I still go bar hopping from time to time. I never had a constant craving. The only change I needed was to learn my limit.

If I was to make a blanket statement at this point, it would be: I dont know anyone that can truely hold their liquor. For everyone, it is indeed a poison - which is what causes the drunken effect to begin with.

If anyone readng this knows for a fact, like yourself, that they are a 'true alcoholic' - please dont use my experience as an excuse to fall off the wagon. We all drink and react to it differently.

[JWG223]

Dump her. All I needed to read was the title.

[bridgerider]

Iama30something, for just a moment, put aside the semantics. I just read this entire thread --- alcoholic, problem drinker, boozer, partier --- do any of those words or definitions REALLY matter? What matters is that it is NOT WORKING FOR YOU. You are far too young to accept this relationship as your lot in life. And no ultimatums either - she already knows what you are willing to put up with...and all that does is enable her.

My dad died an alcoholic at 55. And what did I do? Turn around and marry one. He also died from his alcoholism. I don't need anyone's refresher course in the various stages and definitions of who or what or how an alkie comes to be. What would have helped me early on is if I had gotten counseled as a teenager on what drunk behavior can lead to. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Some will say I'm wrong about that - hey no problem; I know different. What you think you are willing to put up with today will be morphed into a situation you won't possibly be able to handle down the road. So I say give yourself a good long talk & listen to your inner voice. You get better on whatever level necessary to love yourself enough to walk. She may or may not take action to do the same. If, down the road, you find yourselves both healthy enough & with a desire to try the relationship again...well that will be great. (Some high odds on that one.)

And eddie gein, I would have quoted from your post, but so many others did, so I will just say well done!!!

[maus]

Get away from the alcoholic in your life if you have the choice to do so. Just remember this if you choose to stay with someone like that, that person's addiction matters more than anything or anyone else in the world.