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Well, it's only a couple months away now - I turn 40. For the most part I don't care because I don't feel 40, and the only people in my life I can compare to are my twin sisters who are a decade older than me, and my parents, who have a good life, stable marriage and great friendship. I, on the other hand, came out as gay when I was 16, never found a relationship, obviously couldn't have kids, and the lasting effect that's had on me has been hard. It's one thing to not want kids or a spouse. It's another thing to have so few choices out there that your decision is somewhat made for you. I moved to new cities, tried meeting new people, did all the social events that made me happy with the thought that maybe someday I'd find someone who enjoys the same things...never happened.
What happens with this, and I'm aware some of this thinking is an excuse, but just go with me here...when you know you have a roadmap to someday being a parent or someone's partner, it gives you motivation to bring your best efforts to the table for when that time comes. Because when we are younger, we believe that this will happen for us. I did. I tried so hard to do and be the best person I could. But as with a lot of things, when it's becoming more and more clear that these things are never going to happen, and it's just going to be you from now on, you give up. I was trying to find a more descriptive way of saying it but...you just don't care anymore because you've spent all this time preparing for a future with someone who isn't ever going to show up. And 'doing it for yourself' doesn't cut it. That sounds great and empowering at 20, but now, when people say things like that to me, I don't respond because I know they don't get it. It's like I said in the beginning, there's a really big difference - you'd know it if you were in it - between being alone because you simply don't like people and community, and being alone because you belong to a minority community (gay people), that only represents about 4-6% of the population. You're alone because that's just the reality of belonging to such a small group of people who still have their preferences, interests, dislikes and deal-breakers within the community. We are, for the most part, a group of people that makes up 4-6% of the population that has very little in common with each other as well as little to no interest in each other. It hasn't been fun. And to be honest, had I done it again, I would not have come out. I would have found a kind, understanding woman who knew how badly I wanted to be a parent and been best friends and co-parents with her. That would have had its rewards. Being gay and alone pretty much guarantees gay and alone from here on out, because gay people don't evolve. We don't have to: we don't have kids to 'grow up for' to be an example for, nor does our community respect our elders or anything that has to do with getting older. We just push them aside and wait for the new group of young men to come along, who, like us at one time, don't like anyone older, don't like each other, and despite the big coming out party, are about to discover a community that's even more isolating and rejecting than the straight community they felt bullied by.
My whole adulthood I felt doors closing in me. Now I feel like they're closing and locking. That's my fear about 40. I tried so hard to find supportive people to surround my life with and that didn't happen, despite how good my intentions were. I guess I'm just using this space to vent that, even though you tried your best and prepared, things just don't work out the way you hoped sometimes, and there's very little you can do about it.
I am 40 gay and single. Well I turn 41 tomorrow. For me turning 40 was not a huge deal and I do not feel 40 its just telling people that I am 40 that can bother me.
As far as being single versus in a relationship. I am in a odd relationship but honestly I enjoy it because I never wanted kids and since life will be changing a lot in the next 15 years I am more interested in getting ready for that then being in a long term relationship. I think that is, also, why I do not care about being 40 as I know in time with medical technology advancing I will be 20 again (well not chronologically but biologically). I think if this was 1964 and I was 40 I would be going through a mid life crisis but its not and since I know what is coming I still feel very young with a whole life ahead of me.
Your post made me sad. Sorry you have had this experience. It is highly likely some woman who cannot find the right guy would be interested in co-parenting with you. Plenty of straight people never find the one and feel lonley too.
Your post made me sad. Sorry you have had this experience. It is highly likely some woman who cannot find the right guy would be interested in co-parenting with you. Plenty of straight people never find the one and feel lonely too.
That's what I was going to suggest. There are so many women out there who know they will always be alone and no one will marry them, but perhaps they would like to have a child.
On my fortieth birthday, we had a backyard party. My marriage was going bad and I was tired after years of trying to fix things. I did have one child, and that was the one good thing that ever came out of my life, but I'd wanted more children, and a house, and to have a family life. I married the wrong person for that. He wanted to party and never grow up.
At 40, I knew there would be no more children, no house, no chance that it would someday not be me working the long hours and supporting the family. My husband said we should throw a party for my 40th, and I said, "Yes, thank you for thinking of me", to which he replied. "I want to have a PARTY and have our friends over. Your 40th is just a good reason to do it."
At the party, I remember being off to the side watching everyone and thinking to myself, "I'll be out of this marriage soon. We're done, and there's no more trying to fix it." It took a little longer, about a year, but when his nastiness got him out the door, he was gone for good. I was done.
It was such a relief to get rid of him, like the weight of ten horses was off my shoulders. Living with someone whose life is dedicated to hanging out at the bar means constant anxiety, abuse, and financial problems, and you don't realize how heavy it all is until it is gone. But still, there was a sadness in making that move because it meant I accepted that my dreams were dead. I dated for a few years after the divorce, off and on, online and real life, but I never got another chance for a relationship.
40 is still young. You haven't heard the expression, "Life begins at 40"? Never give up hope. Because without hope, you have nothing. Lots of people are still single at 40. It's not a big deal. It's just a number. Hopefully you have interesting things going on in your life that you're jazzed about. If not, reinvent yourself at 40. Lots of people do. Make some of your dreams reality. You'll be richer for it.
I looked at your post awhile ago but didn't read the whole thing. Now. that I read it.. I think you might live in the wrong place. Have you ever been outside a city? I can't really think as deep as I need to go with you ( right now).. but something is not right here. You shouldn't feel this way.. at all. I looked at your profile and you're certainly not a bad looking dude! But the co-parenting won't work.. I think I read in China? or Japan.. a lot of gay males do this and usually divorce within a year. Since, divorced couples are looked down upon, the woman can usually ( now) annul it to where she can get married again.
So, I don't know what exactly is in your head.. but I think you feel kind of hopeless. Hopelessness is felt by everyone in one point and time.. Everyone has dreams and I personally know people that waited as long 30 years on them to happen. Christ.. my business is perfect example. They say to get out of business if you're poor after the first five years-- but some of us don't have any factor of time. I don't.. and completely get lost with time and in time. Time and I are not good friends because I am never around.
We got all dressed up, did some 70's things, went and sang 70's karaoke, and celebrated for all of our friends who didn't make it to 40, or those who left us too soon after.
When we look at life, we all have expectations. The sooner we realize how may of these expectations are false constructs based on societal norms, or by other close to us (family/friends), the quicker we can shift our paradigm to a realistic set of expectations for ourselves.
We will never be happy if we live by what others believe.
Based on your OP, it sounds as if dying as a lonely childless gay man is something that has become an expectation for you. It also sounds as if you are not happy with your own expectation. So dig deep on it:
- Is being a parent important to you?
- Is dedicating the next 25 years of your life to taking care of, mentoring, and unconditionally loving another human being something that is you are ready for?
- Do you feel your need for a life partner and children is something others have placed on you, or is this something you want? Do you like living alone? Are you an introvert?
I think getting at what is important to you versus important to others, is the first step.
Because, once you've made that step, you can now draw a line between where you are now, and what is really important to you. If it ends up that what is depressing you is someone else's expectations, then embrace who you are, and spend time on the pursuits you like. Do not allow others to make you feel as if your life is not being well-lived. Because, at the end of the day, it is your life you need to live.
However, if these are truly your expectations, then what are you going to do about it? How do you empower yourself to get from where you are now to where you'd like to be?
Look inside, decide what your expectations are, and work towards them.
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