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Old 05-18-2014, 07:56 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,357 posts, read 5,825,361 times
Reputation: 14472

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I've been this way since high school, but now that I am older it is holding me back from doing the things I really need to be doing.

I am in school, and in the process of getting a part time job just to have a little cash in my pockets. I am behind on a lot of things that a lot of people my age are doing; driving, working, and basically setting the building blocks to becoming better people and surviving in the United States. I am always afraid of messing up and embarrassing myself, it has gotten to the point where I actually talk myself out of things. That is why I am so behind on driving and so stressed out about working. I can drive, I just haven't gotten my license yet.

I have had a part time job before, and it got easy after I figured out what I needed to do and understood how everything worked. When it comes to talking to people, I get really uncomfortable. I am so overly aware of the simplest things I do: walking, talking, etc. I just want to do everything right the first time, and I don't want to hold anyone back. I want to be a strong, independent, and confident person, but my obsessing and over thinking every little thing I do is keeping me from accomplishing that.

I have noticed since I have gotten older that looking at the bigger picture of things, does seem to help a little. People work to make money, and they need money to survive and have a little fun every once it a while. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and just brush things off without worrying about it so much. I beat myself up over REALLY small simple things. A lot of people think I am soooo confident and in control but on the inside I am dying lol. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide form people, but I know I can't do that.

I am told all the time I have a terrific personality, I am a very graceful, attractive, and positive person. I guess I just can't see that in myself because I am so busy nitpicking. It is incredibly frustrating, because when I look at myself in an objective point of view there really nothing to get worked up about or dislike about myself, but I do it anyway. Has anyone else dealt with this and succeeded in getting out of it?
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Old 05-18-2014, 09:07 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,990 posts, read 49,418,300 times
Reputation: 98359
You are very young. That is part of it.

DO you have siblings? How did your parents treat you?
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Old 05-18-2014, 09:46 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,357 posts, read 5,825,361 times
Reputation: 14472
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
You are very young. That is part of it.

DO you have siblings? How did your parents treat you?
I'm 21, and yes I have two siblings. My home life was very normal. Nothing really bad happened except for my parents split. All this really came out of nowhere, I guess because I didn't have anything else to focus on. My parents were/are very loving. They raised me well. My siblings are very loving and caring as well. I really have no stress or worries in my life, other than this.

I am still trying to figure out what I want to do in life. I suppose that is part of why I am so insecure.
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Old 05-18-2014, 10:30 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,990 posts, read 49,418,300 times
Reputation: 98359
Did you feel a need to please your parents, or at least to not let them down?

Sometimes this kind of feeling you describe is like a soundtrack that plays in your head, and it can be your own voice or the voice of someone else in your life.
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Old 05-18-2014, 10:32 PM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,357 posts, read 5,825,361 times
Reputation: 14472
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Did you feel a need to please your parents, or at least to not let them down?

Sometimes this kind of feeling you describe is like a soundtrack that plays in your head, and it can be your own voice or the voice of someone else in your life.
Well my mother is the one pressuring me to go out and start working again. I would like to have some money to go out and buy my own things. I can't rely on my parents all my life, and I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I am going to have to learn to take care of myself eventually.

The root of all this is that I fear messing up and doing something really stupid. I don't like looking incompetent or incapable of doing something so simple in front of someone else. I feel I like I should be at a certain standard at this age.
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Old 05-19-2014, 07:13 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,990 posts, read 49,418,300 times
Reputation: 98359
Are your siblings independent, or do they still live at home?
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Old 05-19-2014, 07:44 AM
 
Location: Southwestern, USA
19,343 posts, read 14,788,851 times
Reputation: 20042
Wish I could remember the name of this author....wrote a book on basically
getting out of ourselves; this obsessing about "me" all the time.
(It can be many things, 'My head is too big, I'm stupid, I'm not likeable,
I don't want to embarrass myself'...always me, my shame, I can't...)

Get out there and do something for someone else ... if you are shy...take a garbage bag with
you and pick up trash in your park, neighborhood...just something where it's not about "you".

He gives a list of things to do...like homework...leave dollar bills in laundromats, parks
where the homeless hang out, buy a Macdonald's lunch for $2 in a bag and hand it to
a homeless guy with a sign...

Smile at people, you have no idea the troubles and lonliness someone
else could be hiding sometimes...You start being the giver of upliftment.

When we start uplifting others our focus shifts to the joy to others we can bring.
Thinking about ourselves too much is not healthy...give, share, do good out there for others.
Forget yourself and thus your 'concepts of should' and fears.

See how it feels...you will like it. It is a start...try it for 2 weeks....do something unusually
nice for someone each day.

Check back in and tell us.
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:30 PM
 
65 posts, read 112,950 times
Reputation: 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
I've been this way since high school, but now that I am older it is holding me back from doing the things I really need to be doing.

I am in school, and in the process of getting a part time job just to have a little cash in my pockets. I am behind on a lot of things that a lot of people my age are doing; driving, working, and basically setting the building blocks to becoming better people and surviving in the United States. I am always afraid of messing up and embarrassing myself, it has gotten to the point where I actually talk myself out of things. That is why I am so behind on driving and so stressed out about working. I can drive, I just haven't gotten my license yet.

I have had a part time job before, and it got easy after I figured out what I needed to do and understood how everything worked. When it comes to talking to people, I get really uncomfortable. I am so overly aware of the simplest things I do: walking, talking, etc. I just want to do everything right the first time, and I don't want to hold anyone back. I want to be a strong, independent, and confident person, but my obsessing and over thinking every little thing I do is keeping me from accomplishing that.

I have noticed since I have gotten older that looking at the bigger picture of things, does seem to help a little. People work to make money, and they need money to survive and have a little fun every once it a while. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and just brush things off without worrying about it so much. I beat myself up over REALLY small simple things. A lot of people think I am soooo confident and in control but on the inside I am dying lol. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide form people, but I know I can't do that.

I am told all the time I have a terrific personality, I am a very graceful, attractive, and positive person. I guess I just can't see that in myself because I am so busy nitpicking. It is incredibly frustrating, because when I look at myself in an objective point of view there really nothing to get worked up about or dislike about myself, but I do it anyway. Has anyone else dealt with this and succeeded in getting out of it?
You probably excelled at everything when you were a child, you care a lot about people and you expect a lot from yourself.
that's why you beat yourself up over small simple things as you want to do everything right the first time.

I have realized that, i can't do everything right the first time. There are things that I am gifted at, and there are things that I am just very bad at.

The best approach so far is:
1. Think, whether doing something gonna hurt me physically or spiritually
2. If it is unlikely to hurt me, just do it
You don't really know what you are doing until you really do it everyday anyway ^ ^
Hope it helps
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:17 PM
 
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,367 posts, read 1,817,840 times
Reputation: 3814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
Well my mother is the one pressuring me to go out and start working again. I would like to have some money to go out and buy my own things. I can't rely on my parents all my life, and I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I am going to have to learn to take care of myself eventually.

The root of all this is that I fear messing up and doing something really stupid. I don't like looking incompetent or incapable of doing something so simple in front of someone else. I feel I like I should be at a certain standard at this age.
The one thing holding you back from being a burden on someone is...

fear of facing the possibility of inperfection?

fear of looking stupid??

The entity that created the Heavens and Universe is said to be the only perfect being - who the heck are you?

Who likes looking less than perfect? Mistakes are a given, the only thing stupid is not learning from them. No one was born doing anything except maybe screaming. Everything needs to be learned. I dont think anyone CAN learn literally everything. Im not sure there is enough space to store literally every possible thing in a single human brain.

If you want the experience to be negative, it will be. In reality though whether or not you are imperfect or look stupid doesnt matter. Everyone does at varying stages over the course of their life.

If you want to look forward to getting dressed, meeting new people, getting money, then you will. Life's an adventure. No pain, no gain!
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Old 08-19-2014, 05:16 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
18,032 posts, read 15,119,074 times
Reputation: 36191
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea View Post
Well my mother is the one pressuring me to go out and start working again. I would like to have some money to go out and buy my own things. I can't rely on my parents all my life, and I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I am going to have to learn to take care of myself eventually.

The root of all this is that I fear messing up and doing something really stupid. I don't like looking incompetent or incapable of doing something so simple in front of someone else. I feel I like I should be at a certain standard at this age.
It's called "gaining experience", you have to do it and fail at some things, it's part of life. It will make you grow, even if you fail. At least you tried ... You will do good in some things and bad in others. Focus on the good things and expand your knowledge and get better.

Some people grow up and know what they want to do and succeed.
Some people don't and have to try out different things to see what they are good at and figure out where they belong.
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