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I mentioned malignant narcissism on the bi-polar thread. I was with a person for about 10 years that had NPD. I came away with PTSD and trauma. I had zero self esteem left, tons of fear, let's just say I was paralyzed for a time. I have been away from this monster since 2005 and will still have nightmares about him, even though he is now deceased!
I was on many support boards for people with NPD and thank God for them.
I was just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences with a person with NPD?
Narcissism is not just loving oneself and being selfish. It is a very destructive, incurable personality disorder that wreaks havoc on all who get involved with the person.
I saw a statement the other day that sums up the difference between a sociopath and NPD. A narcissist is a sociopath just without the violence. I do believe the person I was with was also a sociopath. Charming, like Ted Bundy. Evil inside.
I've had a friend for many years who fits that description. Basically if it is something which does not have to do with him, it does not exist!
He is married and everything is "her" fault! This can get to be quite funny when the lawn is not mowed and it is because SHE has not done it and so forth. And he will sit there and complain about "her" not doing something which is totally his responsibility... he has such a serious face - not joking - he is quite serious about how "she" is totally in the wrong, etc. It is all I can do to not burst out laughing!
Then I know a LOT of other young people lately who are not capable of placing themselves in other people's shoes. Everything is totally about themselves. For example picking up a piece of litter in a public park and depositing it in a trash can - for the good of the community - would be totally against their way of self-centered thinking.
This is all quite different from the way I was raised. The environment I grew up in. We helped neighbors and other people if they needed help. They helped up if we needed help. People would pick up trash in their neighborhoods, in the park, in a public restroom - just to be nice! People were thoughtful of others - would turn down their music or not make noise if they thought it was bothering others. Etc.
I've had a friend for many years who fits that description. Basically if it is something which does not have to do with him, it does not exist!
He is married and everything is "her" fault! This can get to be quite funny when the lawn is not mowed and it is because SHE has not done it and so forth. And he will sit there and complain about "her" not doing something which is totally his responsibility... he has such a serious face - not joking - he is quite serious about how "she" is totally in the wrong, etc. It is all I can do to not burst out laughing!
Then I know a LOT of other young people lately who are not capable of placing themselves in other people's shoes. Everything is totally about themselves. For example picking up a piece of litter in a public park and depositing it in a trash can - for the good of the community - would be totally against their way of self-centered thinking.
This is all quite different from the way I was raised. The environment I grew up in. We helped neighbors and other people if they needed help. They helped up if we needed help. People would pick up trash in their neighborhoods, in the park, in a public restroom - just to be nice! People were thoughtful of others - would turn down their music or not make noise if they thought it was bothering others. Etc.
I wonder if this is what your friend has as most with NPD can't maintain friendships for many years.
I think NO EMPATHY is one of the biggest symptoms of NPD. I remember coming home early on 9/11, in tears, and he couldn't even hug me. I watched all the coverage for days and days, overcome with sorrow and all he could do was lock himself in the computer room, looking at his porn and playing games. It simply had no effect on him.
Placing blame on everyone else for EVERYTHING is another symptom. I used to tell this bast*rd that I was "dancing as fast as I can" to try to make life right. I did everything- right down to mowing the lawn. He sat on his butt. and blamed me for his unhappiness.
I wonder if this is what your friend has as most with NPD can't maintain friendships for many years...
...I did everything- right down to mowing the lawn. He sat on his butt. and blamed me for his unhappiness.
So far as the friendship lasting, I'm a curious type person and have pursued the friendship - let him use me. He basically has no other friends. Anyway my curiosity with this person is if he will ever be capable of doing anything for me in return for anything I have done for him. And it is not looking that way.
I am curious about his wife and why she puts up with him? Although many times I've heard they are about to break-up.
Anyway in the case of my friend and his wife, it is NOT her fault!
In a normal relationship some things are one person's fault and other things are the other person's fault. But actually IT DOES NOT MATTER! In a normal relationship it is ok with me if you don't do things exactly right and it is ok with you if I don't do things exactly right. We love each other and that is all that counts!
Exactly! As long as you are of use, feeding the ego, financially, what ever it may be, they will keep you around. Once your usefulness is over, they discard you like yesterday's trash.
Once read that to a person with NPD, others are like an old toaster. You love it while it works and serves you but once it breaks, you toss it out. There is no emotional attachment. So true. I saw it happen over and over and others would come to me to ask why he suddenly cut them off and I had no answer. Many people were hurt.
I was stuck with this monster for 3 more years than I wanted. Once I found out what I was dealing with I knew I had to move on. But due to a bad car accident and no money I had to wait for a settlement to leave. When he knew I was getting freedom money, he kicked the abuse into high gear. Amazing we both made it out alive.
Why the wife of your "friend" ( I use that term loosely cuz he is not a friend in the real sense) is still there is probably because she is stuck. They destroy your self esteem and sometimes it's easier to deal with what you are used to than step out alone into the world. Perhaps if she knew what he really was and how he will never change, she might leave. That was the deal breaker for me. It was a tremendous relief to know I could stop trying and focus on my own life and future.
I saw something new with my "friend" (and loosely is correct!). He was leaving the house and his wife was cold as a rock toward him. Silent treatment, ignoring him, did not kiss him back. Look of contempt toward him in her eyes. But she was nice to me.
Her behavior says to me... "This relationship is OVER"... or "I am extremely mad at you, what you did is unforgivable". Or in other words, there is a very serious problem between her and him.
Anyway I went with him and he WAS NOT EVEN AWARE she was mad at him!!!! It is totally as if he is "blind" to her feelings (which are obvious as heck to me).
Like if a really smart person talks to a person off the street about nuclear physics or something "brainy", the person listening has no idea what they are talking about. The listener will stand there saying yes, uh huh, is that right? Etc.
Well that is how he is when I try to explain to him about his wife's feelings. He has no idea what I am talking about!
This is getting to be quite sad to say the least...
My mother was a narcissist plus an alcoholic. She was verbally and emotionally abusive as well as manipulative. Growing up, when one of us in the family suggested a weekend outing and she didn't want to go, it meant that none of us could go either. If we suggested going without her, she would cry and tell us how selfish we all were Either that, or suddenly she would come up with some huge chore that had to be done right then and there. For example, one day she told us we couldn't go out because all the window screens had to be washed---right now! As a kid, this irritated me. I asked my father (the perfect enabler) why she didn't just tell us all at the beginning of the week "If you want to go out this weekend, this job has to get done before then". Or...if I would tell her that I wanted to visit a friend, she would suddenly come up with chores for me. I used to ask her to give me a list, she ignored me. So...the day would get ruined.
She also used to lie to those outside the family and tell them that we were all lazy and did nothing around the house. She would take credit for things that other people did.
The funny thing is that she had lots of friends. She was sweet as pie to non-family members so when any of us would try to tell people what she was really like, they never believed us.
One day my aunt was visiting us and my mother launched into her list of complaints---she didn't feel well and was at death's door and no one helped her, etc. None of us reacted to her diatribe. Later in the day, my aunt started yelling at us all saying that we were cold and insensitive. We tried to explain but she wouldn't buy it.
Living with a narcissist is a miserable way to live
My mother was a narcissist plus an alcoholic. She was verbally and emotionally abusive as well as manipulative. Growing up, when one of us in the family suggested a weekend outing and she didn't want to go, it meant that none of us could go either. If we suggested going without her, she would cry and tell us how selfish we all were Either that, or suddenly she would come up with some huge chore that had to be done right then and there. For example, one day she told us we couldn't go out because all the window screens had to be washed---right now! As a kid, this irritated me. I asked my father (the perfect enabler) why she didn't just tell us all at the beginning of the week "If you want to go out this weekend, this job has to get done before then". Or...if I would tell her that I wanted to visit a friend, she would suddenly come up with chores for me. I used to ask her to give me a list, she ignored me. So...the day would get ruined.
She also used to lie to those outside the family and tell them that we were all lazy and did nothing around the house. She would take credit for things that other people did.
The funny thing is that she had lots of friends. She was sweet as pie to non-family members so when any of us would try to tell people what she was really like, they never believed us.
One day my aunt was visiting us and my mother launched into her list of complaints---she didn't feel well and was at death's door and no one helped her, etc. None of us reacted to her diatribe. Later in the day, my aunt started yelling at us all saying that we were cold and insensitive. We tried to explain but she wouldn't buy it.
Living with a narcissist is a miserable way to live
I totally understand. My sister, who was 16 years older, could be your mother's twin, except that she was also physically abusive. My mother was a doormat and let her get away with everything. My dad worked long hours, so didnt see her actions. My sister continued her crap until 2006, when I finally had had enough. I cut off all contact. She died in 2012. She caused me to have complex PTSD.
It is hard for some people to understand what it is like to live with people like this. They are master manipulators.
I totally understand. My sister, who was 16 years older, could be your mother's twin, except that she was also physically abusive. My mother was a doormat and let her get away with everything. My dad worked long hours, so didnt see her actions. My sister continued her crap until 2006, when I finally had had enough. I cut off all contact. She died in 2012. She caused me to have complex PTSD.
It is hard for some people to understand what it is like to live with people like this. They are master manipulators.
I understand! My father let my mother get away with everything, too! Yes, they are master manipulators. When I finished college and left home, I did so with my self-esteem and self-confidence in shreds. It took me years to deal with that, so I understand what you went through.
When my mother died, I didn't cry at all. If I grieved, it was for the mother I always wanted but never got to have. As a result, I vowed to do far better when it came to my daughter. My husband tells me that I succeeded.
You're right---it's hard for those who don't have to live with a narcissist to know what it is like. They think that you are the "bad guy" because the narcissist tells them lies about you. So, it's a waste of breath to get them to think otherwise.
A narcissist is a sociopath just without the violence. I do believe the person I was with was also a sociopath. Charming, like Ted Bundy. Evil inside.
J5KLY, I sympathize with what you're saying. Because no physical violence is involved, it makes it harder to see it for the abuse it really is. That's what I struggled with when I acknowledged that my mother was a narcissist.
She would constantly criticize everyone around her. She made sure to do it with a smile so she could feign innocence! If you didn't do something exactly the way she would have, you would be criticized. Even then, she would find a way to say she would have done it better. She would constantly fish for compliments and always steer the conversation back to her, even when it was apparent other people were getting annoyed. And the worst trait was that she was immune to criticism. Whenever you would tell her she did something wrong she would go into a twilight-zone trance and refuse to have an open conversation about it.
I finally realized she had a problem when my father was on his deathbed and she was trying to steal attention away from him. "I'm sick too, ya know," she would say to his family. No, she wasn't sick. And when he died, she would go into rants about how his funeral was all about her. I often wonder if she is looking forward to her own deathbed. Finally, it will be her chance to shine.
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And he will sit there and complain about "her" not doing something which is totally his responsibility... he has such a serious face - not joking - he is quite serious about how "she" is totally in the wrong, etc. It is all I can do to not burst out laughing!
Either that, or suddenly she would come up with some huge chore that had to be done right then and there. For example, one day she told us we couldn't go out because all the window screens had to be washed---right now! As a kid, this irritated me. I asked my father (the perfect enabler) why she didn't just tell us all at the beginning of the week "If you want to go out this weekend, this job has to get done before then". Or...if I would tell her that I wanted to visit a friend, she would suddenly come up with chores for me. I used to ask her to give me a list, she ignored me. So...the day would get ruined.
