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I'm asexual/non-sexual but most if not all people I know in my offline life think I'm gay and in the closet.
Even though some of them are homophobic (especially my relatives), I feel I'm better off with people thinking I'm gay than them knowing I'm asexual because gay people have a better chance of being accepted since most people know gay men whereas not many know or met any asexuals. I never even ever met another asexual person in my life. Since people fear the unknown, I feel I'm better off being mistaken for gay.
I normally avoid questions that prod into my "sexuality", but one time when my dad prodded with a question after giving me one of his homophobic lectures, during a topic of gay marriage, I answered that I don't have sexual interests, and he basically ignored my answer by telling me I'll meet the right woman one day, yet he still implies I'm gay from time to time and throws his homophobic discussions at me me in ways like he's trying to dissuade me from homosexuality.
My question: am I wrong in my logic of just letting people assume I'm gay and in the closet or can anyone give me a good reason to come out of the closet to the people in my offline life?
I would just be straight up about it. Maybe even seek the diagnosis of a 'professional' if you want people to be more accepting/believe you more. You live in SF, it shouldn't be hard to find understanding people.
My suggestion is to visit a therapist to discuss this at length. Is it possible that you were raised in such a homophobic environment that you really are gay but are too scared to even admit it, even to yourself?
Also, make sure that there is not a medical component. Perhaps you have an unusually low amount of testosterone in your body and once that is corrected you may feel differently.
A lot depends on your age, if your are only in your 20s perhaps you are asexual and perhaps you are still questioning your sexuality and it will change. As a substitute HS teacher I once had a teen, about 16, tell me that they were asexual. Perhaps, they were and always would be asexual but so many people in their teens and 20s are "questioning" and unsure of their true sexual nature that it seemed odd that the teen was so emphatic about their sexual nature at that young an age.
Rather than tell people (coworkers & family) that you are asexual can't you just say "I'm not interested in dating right now because I am concentrating on----my career, my education, learning a trade, or whatever."
I am certainly not going to echo your dad and say that "someday you will meet the right woman" but I will share a true story.
My father's second cousin was his same age and lived in the neighborhood so my father (and my whole family knew him quite well). My father said that Henry never dated at all when they were in their teens and twenties. He said that people would try to "set him up" and Henry said that he just "wasn't interested" in dating. Although Henry had friends & neighbors that he socialized with he never dated as an adult either. To the shock and utter surprise of everyone, at age 50 he meet a woman (also about 50) and fell head over heels in love and got married. They looked like teenagers in love, always holding hands and kissing. He never mentioned sex, but did tell family that he was very sad that his wife was too old to bear children and he wished that he had meet her when they were younger (which implied that they had sex). They were completely inseparable until the day he died 30 years later.
So was Henry asexual or just hadn't found the right person to love? Of course, no one besides Henry would know the answer. And it didn't make a difference anyway.
Good luck to you.
PS. I'm sure that in a large city you can find a group of people who also are asexual or nonsexual to spent time with and do activities with you.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-14-2014 at 07:45 AM..
I'm asexual/non-sexual but most if not all people I know in my offline life think I'm gay and in the closet.
Even though some of them are homophobic (especially my relatives), I feel I'm better off with people thinking I'm gay than them knowing I'm asexual because gay people have a better chance of being accepted since most people know gay men whereas not many know or met any asexuals. I never even ever met another asexual person in my life. Since people fear the unknown, I feel I'm better off being mistaken for gay.
I normally avoid questions that prod into my "sexuality", but one time when my dad prodded with a question after giving me one of his homophobic lectures, during a topic of gay marriage, I answered that I don't have sexual interests, and he basically ignored my answer by telling me I'll meet the right woman one day, yet he still implies I'm gay from time to time and throws his homophobic discussions at me me in ways like he's trying to dissuade me from homosexuality.
My question: am I wrong in my logic of just letting people assume I'm gay and in the closet or can anyone give me a good reason to come out of the closet to the people in my offline life?
I must ask - is he worth having in your life?
You don't have to take this kind of abuse. If it were me I'd disown him as he would be no one I would want to hang around with.
To answer your question - do nothing different. Continue to live your one and only life as you see fit.
You sound like a good, upstanding person and your sexuality is no one's business but your own. Let them talk, people will do that. Just ignore and don't worry about it.
I am amused by people who assume things. I sometimes let them go ahead and think what they think - I don't do anything to inform them of the truth as then they would have nothing to talk about.
Anyway you don't have to do a thing! No need to tell anyone anything - it is YOUR life and you can do as you wish.
Also being asexual is a good thing. It will save you a small fortune throughout your life and also save you a ton of heartache and stress. If you want to have some fun, go to a courthouse and watch a few divorce cases - see what you are missing!
I don'y see any thing wrong with being asexual. I do know 6 people that are asexual. Not because they told me, but because I spent decades with them an they never had any interest in sex of any kind. All of these people were good friends, hard workers, enjoyed their time off, and socialized like every one else.
One thing they all had in common was that they had no drug or alcohol problems and they were happy.
No, dont be fake. dont try to please anyone. dont try to lie to cover up so that people wont ask you questions.
On the job, that should not be brought to work.. its not anyone's business and if any one harasses you, your employer ought to have some rules about no harassment on the job.
you have to find a way to be comfortable just the way you are. Talk therapy is the answer.
Well, I personally would never think of using any label like asexual.
My way would say I have a hormone imbalance...whatever it is... low testosterone, progesterone,
estrogen...I mean whatever...that makes me have no libido...no interest in sex.
Then, I would have a blood test and get them balanced, period....just as if I had a
thyroid imbalance...or insulin imbalance or growth hormone imbalance.
I would just be straight up about it. Maybe even seek the diagnosis of a 'professional' if you want people to be more accepting/believe you more. You live in SF, it shouldn't be hard to find understanding people.
I know it's dishonest to let people assume I'm gay, and I don't like misleading, but as I said I think I'm better off.
I actually tried to delete my OP in this thread immediately after I created it, but the forum didn't give me the option to like it does to delete replies. I wish someone would fix that problem.
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