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I find that self-help books are pretty useless to me, and that I need a human being to share my troubles with.
That's why there are therapists AND self-help books. We are all unique individuals, who learn things in their own way. Look, as I said before.......repeatedly, some people NEED a therapist. They feel, in their heart, that they need to talk to a professional. That is what THEY feel they need to do, in order to BE better....to understand and rationalize and just figure sh*t out. For some of those folks...it is a life changing, awesome, wonderful experience. For some...it is not. Period.
People need people....OMG, they DO! Sometimes, the very act of speaking aloud and issue, bouncing it off of another human being, solves the problem! Sometimes, getting a "second sense", such as hearing the words in the air, rather than IN your head, makes things make sense! How often, when someone comes to you and vents about a problem....do you just KNOW what the solution is? What advice would you give someone....if you were in that situation? Well.....sometimes, when you say it aloud to someone, your brain reacts as if it's hearing it....from an "outside" perspective...and you solve it. It's as freakin' simple as that!
Most of the time.....folks, the answer is already within, we just don't know it until we "hear" the problem.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
RIGHT! LOL
Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change!
Absolutely! The lightbulb has to want to change ITSELF. It can't want to change everything around it, so that IT simply feels comfortable...living in the dark.
Sometimes the relationships with family and friends are part of the problem. This doesn't necessarily mean abusive or mean family or friends, just the dynamics of relationships that people get stuck in. For example, a person might find herself always catering to a friend or a family member without getting anything in return, and she is stuck in a cycle of not knowing how to change the relationship. Therapy can help with that.
Attempts to change things on one's own often cause friction and the person who wants the change will back down because she isn't sure how to handle the backlash.
In a non-fiction writing workshop I took a few years ago, there was a psychologist who was writing a paper on systems theory. She was writing for her profession, but the group liked the article so much we suggested she write a version for lay people, as well. Basically, the idea was that people put themselves into systems--a family, for example, or a group of friends, and each person has their role in relation to the others and is expected to behave a certain way. When someone decides to change, it upsets the whole system, and the others, who aren't ready to change, resist and try to put the person changing back into their slot. I've seen this play out in real life, and it's pretty interesting to detach and watch it happen once you're aware of it.
Great post, MQ! Wow....talk about close to home, for me!!!
I'm also dealing with this with some dear friends right now as well. The child of a very "religious" family, is still on an excellent, loving path.....but not the path that some of her family and church members "had in mind for her". They're throwing condemnation and judgement all over the friggin place...thinkin' she needs some "therapy" and "conselling". OMFG!!!!!!!!
Sometimes...we're in the right place at the right time and it's a very good thing. Fortunately, this girl DOES have a fabulous support team in the rest of us...and she is brilliant...and is understanding that this is about THEIR lack of faith and is about THEIR fears and THEIR failures and THEIR past mistakes, and has very, very little to do with her at all!
People set themselves up for disappointment you see, and then they try to project their sense of failure onto others....in a blame game sort of way. YOUR actions made me unhappy. YOU disappointed me, because I wanted something better, or different, for you. I had other plans for your life. I envisioned you living like.............
No one.....NO one, has the right to determine your path, who you are, how you want to live your life, who you fall in love with, what kind of work you do, what kind of house you live in. If you plan out another person's life, or attempt to force them to live the way YOU want them to live (because it makes YOU happier).....YOU are a selfish, control freak, miserable POS. People don't have the right to plan out the life of another...unless of course, that person is "incapable" of making decisions. That means, MYOB and live your own life and let others live THEIR own life!!!!! Why? Because it's THEIR life.
Oh its way easier to tell a 3rd party things you cannot bear to tell your family.
Same reason I can let a nurse give me a bed bath after surgery but i'd die of humiliation if my kids or family members would do it.
Amen!!! I have a best friend who knows EVERYthing about me....things I'd NEVER tell anyone in my family..ever. LOL Because of the "3rd party"....(someone who was seriously sheisted and scewed up BY a therapist)...those issues are no longer issues...they're just "stuff that happened to make me better". Because of THIS best friend....she no longer needed a therapist.....and SHE is cured. That's right folks...on an online "survivors of abuse" forum. Free therapy! Why?.....a bunch of us, who were dealing with things we couldn't talk about....found others who were suffering in silence....and we broke that silence. We found people who understood how we were feeling BECAUSE they had survived the same horrors.
We found people who could empathize with us....validate our feelings and build each other up with truth, love, understanding and acceptance. "Of course you're having problems dealing with this...why WOULDN'T you?!" It's UNDERSTANDING and VALIDATION....and "How did YOU cope with it?"....."This is what finally helped me"....kind of stuff that really proved to be a lifeline for MANY of us. More than 15 years later...many of us are still FB friends, Email buddies....AND...IRL.....In person....friends...soul sisters.
Amen!!! I have a best friend who knows EVERYthing about me....things I'd NEVER tell anyone in my family..ever. LOL Because of the "3rd party"....(someone who was seriously sheisted and scewed up BY a therapist)...those issues are no longer issues...they're just "stuff that happened to make me better". Because of THIS best friend....she no longer needed a therapist.....and SHE is cured. That's right folks...on an online "survivors of abuse" forum. Free therapy! Why?.....a bunch of us, who were dealing with things we couldn't talk about....found others who were suffering in silence....and we broke that silence. We found people who understood how we were feeling BECAUSE they had survived the same horrors.
We found people who could empathize with us....validate our feelings and build each other up with truth, love, understanding and acceptance. "Of course you're having problems dealing with this...why WOULDN'T you?!" It's UNDERSTANDING and VALIDATION....and "How did YOU cope with it?"....."This is what finally helped me"....kind of stuff that really proved to be a lifeline for MANY of us. More than 15 years later...many of us are still FB friends, Email buddies....AND...IRL.....In person....friends...soul sisters.
same here
in fact, people on here sometimes actually say stuff to me that changed my sad day to one that is bright!
in fact, people on here sometimes actually say stuff to me that changed my sad day to one that is bright!
Dear Chicago...people say things on here every DAY, that lift my heart and help me in so many ways. I appreciate my online friends so very much...the one's I've had for years and the beautiful new ones, which have just recently stepped into it. <3
I think one of the things I like the best about online forums IS that people will tell you THE TRUTH! Oh sure, there are people on here who lie, embellish, or flat-out use these places to figure out how to do more rotten sh*t to others and get away with it! However, I have received more helpful information, more truthful assistance, etc., than I have in my "FTF" life.
I've got a couple of really TRUE, honest, brave and LOVING friends out there, who will niggle me if I'm being unreasonable...people who love me enough to calmly TELL me that they think I'm not being "as I expect myself to be"...living up to my own "mission statement?". Mostly though...a great many of the people I've met, will not tell you something to your face, because they're "afraid" of your reaction.
Most people are afraid of making someone angry, by telling them the truth. See? I can't wrap my head around that and it makes me CRAZY!!!!! How can someone's ego be so effed up, that they're offended when someone respects their intellect enough to share more information with them. You see....if I think someone is incapable of understanding what I'm about to tell them.....I'll change plans, because it would be an utter waste of my time and theirs.
When I share or exchange knowledge with someone, it is a HUGE sign of respect, on my part. Not only am I trying to CARE for them, help them, make life easier for them. When I share information, it is ALWAYS for the greater good. Why would someone allow themselves to be angered. I seriously don't get that. I can't wrap my brain around it.
Beachmel - I've been on the internet since the 90's and I enjoy forums and chat rooms of all kinds. I've seen all kinds of people on there, you see the usual ways people interact and then some that were so tricky that even I did not see it and Im pretty perceptive based on being there so many years. but anyhoo, people come to forums for a myriad of reasons, some good, some to poke fun, some really need help and one thing - you meet with the minds, and I really feel that the benefit of being anonymous, lets out your true self. and when two people meet with the minds, it can form an emotional bond. I really do feel that people can get help here, somewhat, though the downside is we cant see each other in real life so we cant see body language or their face or look into their eyes - all things with tell you about the person. but my theory holds true - that talking with a 3rd party like a therapist that is not entangled with your life nor your emotions nor any games the person might want to play (manipulation) can be a benefit.
but in the meantime, the forums can be a lifesaver, because it can get you from point a to point b and help you get there till you can find something even better.
You remind me of my ex-bff of 14 years who had your qualities .. and he was very dear to me and I to him, but then he let his new life get to his head and his narcisstic self came out full blast and unfortunately I am even today literally today, feeling the effex of his disaster on my life. please don't ever go there and please always keep that thing you mention in your post above all the time, and don't change, coz it can hurt when people know you as a sweet caring kind person, only to turn 360 degrees one day and that can really hurt deeply the people who trusted in you.
Beachmel - I've been on the internet since the 90's and I enjoy forums and chat rooms of all kinds. I've seen all kinds of people on there, you see the usual ways people interact and then some that were so tricky that even I did not see it and Im pretty perceptive based on being there so many years. but anyhoo, people come to forums for a myriad of reasons, some good, some to poke fun, some really need help and one thing - you meet with the minds, and I really feel that the benefit of being anonymous, lets out your true self. and when two people meet with the minds, it can form an emotional bond. I really do feel that people can get help here, somewhat, though the downside is we cant see each other in real life so we cant see body language or their face or look into their eyes - all things with tell you about the person. but my theory holds true - that talking with a 3rd party like a therapist that is not entangled with your life nor your emotions nor any games the person might want to play (manipulation) can be a benefit.
but in the meantime, the forums can be a lifesaver, because it can get you from point a to point b and help you get there till you can find something even better.
You remind me of my ex-bff of 14 years who had your qualities .. and he was very dear to me and I to him, but then he let his new life get to his head and his narcisstic self came out full blast and unfortunately I am even today literally today, feeling the effex of his disaster on my life. please don't ever go there and please always keep that thing you mention in your post above all the time, and don't change, coz it can hurt when people know you as a sweet caring kind person, only to turn 360 degrees one day and that can really hurt deeply the people who trusted in you.
Fortunately, if I'm "tapped out"...I just take some me time and take on another project. Sometimes...when you care so much, and feel so much, it's important for friends to understand that it take a whole lot out of you. And...when you're kind and you care...well, you can end up getting used up. No one notices what you meant to them until they're gone. Sadly, ...humans have a tendency to take each other for granted.
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