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I'm having a hard time understanding how to get invited to things. Anything, really. I never get calls, texts, voicemails, nothing. Nobody asks me to go to anything, whether that's a dance, a party, lunch, a movie, not a thing. I don't get it.
Now, I hold this philosophy that if you invite people to do things with you they will return the favor, but I have so few people to invite to stuff that I really don't know what to do. And I feel like my philosophy is flawed-I look at a lot of my peers and they don't even have to try to get invited to things, they just get texts and calls every twenty seconds. This may sound selfish and childish, but I feel like I'm the only one who has to try to make friends and find things to do, because it just comes naturally to everyone else. I promise to you I'm outgoing, talkative, and friendly (at the very least I try to be), so it's not like people treat me like I'm invisible. That used to be a huge problem during my high school Freshman and Sophomore years, but it's mostly disappearing now that I've finished Junior year and am heading into Senior year. However, I still get 0 invitations to do something with a friend or friends.
So help me out here, let me hear your take. Am I doing something wrong? Am I approaching the issue the wrong way, or is my "philosophy" incorrect or inaccurate to some degree? Am I just not working hard enough at the problem? Or did I miss the social boat in Freshman/Sophomore year, when I was more withdrawn (see above), and do I now have to wait until college to get into the social circle?
My opinion is that waiting around is passive. Watching how other people make zero effort to be invited is least instructive, because it doesn't tell you what they did to get there, just the end result. What you need to know is how they got to that point and if you are willing to take the same actions. So when you ask if you missed the boat, I would say "yes". We can't catch them all but you can't try for another.
Now on to your philosophy. When you invite people in order to be invited, that sounds like a deal. Were both sides aware of the deal?
What if you decide you really are not compatible with the other person? Do you keep inviting them out of obligation because they invited you?
My opinion is that waiting around is passive. Watching how other people make zero effort to be invited is least instructive, because it doesn't tell you what they did to get there, just the end result. What you need to know is how they got to that point and if you are willing to take the same actions. So when you ask if you missed the boat, I would say "yes". We can't catch them all but you can't try for another.
Now on to your philosophy. When you invite people in order to be invited, that sounds like a deal. Were both sides aware of the deal?
What if you decide you really are not compatible with the other person? Do you keep inviting them out of obligation because they invited you?
^^^This.
Why do you have "so few people to invite to stuff"? You need to start with what choices have led to having a small to non-existent social group and friends, and take steps now to change. The change has to come from you and you have to be self-aware enough to recognize what it is about yourself, what you have and have not done, to bring you to this point. It's never too late to start making friends, but you have to DO.
As elyn said, waiting around is passive. You don't make friends by not speaking to others, not attempting to make connections over common experiences or topics, having a pleasant personality. If you are shy, maybe you need to talk to a life coach or a counselor for tips to bring you out of your shell and learn better social skills. Everything you want in life requires effort. There are no shortcuts, and taking the easy way out will never lead to the results you desire. You have to give to get.
I know I have to work for my own happiness, and I know I myself need to get the ball rolling. I'm working on that right now-in fact, I invited a few friends to go with me to the local amusement park tomorrow. I'm trying to get things moving. The issue I have is that most of my peers don't have to put forth the same effort, or at least it seems that way. Why? It perplexes and bothers me.
I know I have to work for my own happiness, and I know I myself need to get the ball rolling. I'm working on that right now-in fact, I invited a few friends to go with me to the local amusement park tomorrow. I'm trying to get things moving. The issue I have is that most of my peers don't have to put forth the same effort, or at least it seems that way. Why? It perplexes and bothers me.
So, what's your personality like? Are you social? Are you positive and upbeat, can carry on a conversation on a variety of topics? Are you interesting and fun to be around?
The more time you spend resenting that others don't have to put in effort, the less time you spend improving your own lot in life.
Lately people come over to my house, ignore me, and sit there texting.
I recently went out to a bar so I could have a conversation with someone - anyone... But most people were sitting there texting!
With that said, invite people over to text. I'm sure they would be happy to come over and sit there texting!
Note that back in recent history (before cell phones), you could join volunteer groups - city or county boards or other volunteer groups - or Habitat for Humanity, Boys and Girls Club, community food groups, - whatever. Then meet people. Get to know them. And start the ball rolling by inviting them all over to your house for a party.
Also seriously I did have a 3/4 of an hour "talking" phone call with a friend recently. And sat around talking to 4 or 5 neighbors yesterday - not one cell phone was to be seen!
I'm having a hard time understanding how to get invited to things. Anything, really. I never get calls, texts, voicemails, nothing. Nobody asks me to go to anything, whether that's a dance, a party, lunch, a movie, not a thing. I don't get it.
Now, I hold this philosophy that if you invite people to do things with you they will return the favor, but I have so few people to invite to stuff that I really don't know what to do. And I feel like my philosophy is flawed-I look at a lot of my peers and they don't even have to try to get invited to things, they just get texts and calls every twenty seconds. This may sound selfish and childish, but I feel like I'm the only one who has to try to make friends and find things to do, because it just comes naturally to everyone else. I promise to you I'm outgoing, talkative, and friendly (at the very least I try to be), so it's not like people treat me like I'm invisible. That used to be a huge problem during my high school Freshman and Sophomore years, but it's mostly disappearing now that I've finished Junior year and am heading into Senior year. However, I still get 0 invitations to do something with a friend or friends.
So help me out here, let me hear your take. Am I doing something wrong? Am I approaching the issue the wrong way, or is my "philosophy" incorrect or inaccurate to some degree? Am I just not working hard enough at the problem? Or did I miss the social boat in Freshman/Sophomore year, when I was more withdrawn (see above), and do I now have to wait until college to get into the social circle?
Here's a good phrase to use: "Wow, I reeeally want to see that movie! We should go see that!"
So, what's your personality like? Are you social? Are you positive and upbeat, can carry on a conversation on a variety of topics? Are you interesting and fun to be around?
The more time you spend resenting that others don't have to put in effort, the less time you spend improving your own lot in life.
I'm fairly social. A little nervous sometimes, though, because I can be awkward. I like to talk and I do talk a lot, but a lot of times I also run out of things to talk about or forget what I was going to say, or I am unable to hear what people say (I can sometimes get distracted and can be hard of hearing) which leaves me unable to continue a conversation. I want to talk but a lot of times I just end up blabbering with no substance, talking the other person to death in the process. It gets kind of irritating to me because I do like to have good conversations (and have had plenty), but I slip up a lot and it wrecks my confidence for talking to anyone besides my closest friends. It also hangs over my head whenever I am carrying out a good conversation; I always get kind of nervous, like I know I'm going to screw up and make things awkward.
I can't really say how good of a person I am objectively, but I think I'm fairly upbeat. Interesting, I have no idea, as everyone has a different idea of "interesting." But I'm not boring or shallow, that's certain. I try to be fun.
As for fun, I struggle a bit with that. I don't really know. Some people just think I'm awkward. If people know me well enough or if I can get past the awkwardness I'm a lot of fun. Otherwise I'm either awkward, withdrawn, or both. Awkwardness is a definite problem in my social life-if I don't know someone really well I have a tough time interacting with them. I'm sure this will wear off if I get myself out there more but as of right now it's a huge obstacle.
Long story short, I can be fun but I'm usually awkward and that's a huge obstacle for me.
So have something and invite the few people that you do know, and ask them to bring a friend. Then mingle with everyone, let them know you are happy they came, and do your best to enjoy yourself and let them see that you do know how to have fun and fun to be around.
Some people just think I'm awkward. If people know me well enough or if I can get past the awkwardness I'm a lot of fun. Otherwise I'm either awkward, withdrawn, or both. Awkwardness is a definite problem in my social life-if I don't know someone really well I have a tough time interacting with them. I'm sure this will wear off if I get myself out there more but as of right now it's a huge obstacle.
Long story short, I can be fun but I'm usually awkward and that's a huge obstacle for me.
I think you've identified your problem.
For practical tips, do a Google search using the key words: how to talk to people
Keep practicing the techniques until they become second nature.
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