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Yep. Either take over the finances, take care of the taxes, etc, yourself or keep allowing yourself to be victimized.
He has proven to you he isn't interested in your "honey do" lists. So either hire someone to do the tasks or do them yourself.
Otherwise, he is not going to change. He has PROVEN THAT TO YOU.
If you can't live with that arrangement, then you need to figure out how to end the marriage and go your separate ways.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you can't "make" your husband do a thing he doesn't feel he NEEDS to do. And he has neglected major issues in your lives . . . and it appears suffering consequences hasn't changed his behaviors. So that leaves you with either picking up the slack or leaving out the door.
Yup.. I have done everything I could so for him except the tasks I have no authorization to do.
I'm wondering if this is a passive aggressive reaction to him perceiving that he works all day for Dad, then comes and Daughter has a list as well?
My advice is either have your Dad let him go or start doing direct deposits into your checking account and you pay all the bills.
He's shown you for 12 years what he is like. Do you really think HE is going to change? You may be indulging in magical thinking.
I have been by his side and have soon many house repairs at home by his side. I think he will always procrastinate but he needs to put an extra effort to reach our goals. He admitted yesterday that he is depressed. This could be the reason that things got so bad. My father does not want to let him go as he is now semi retired and counts on Him to do the work.
Lol.. I am not looking to trade or upgrade. Just hoping someone may have tricks to get him going without getting defensive and arguing
You cannot.
I agree with the other poster - live with it or get out. Why go through life like that. I had a second husband that turned out to be a dud. Two years was more than enough.
When you do leave, don't expect child support or sending the kids to visit. It just not going to happen.
He wants to play music all day? Sounds like he might want a simpler life but I may just be projecting.
Trick #2: Know your own limits.
Are you willing to take on major issues like filing taxes?
I would not recommend letting other things go, like housework, but make the tasks more efficient. My husband enjoyed a super clean house but also cluttered things making it time consuming to dust and organize.
My rule was that everything needed to have its own spot in the house and I had to label some things like bins and drawers to make it easier. I will add that I paid attention to my family's habits and instead of insisting that particular thing goes here, for example shoes, I made their usual drop off spots the prime location (with a box to throw them in).
He has always wanted a simpler life your right about that. We purchased a fix er upper home and accomplished a lot of work together but then we had two kids one year apart and there went the simpler life. I don't mind doing all the house cleaning, cooking and caring for the kids. He enjoys playing with them and it gives me a break . I personally hate clutter and try to be somewhat of a minimalist. I have always been a problem solver as well
I appreciate all the comments and help on this! We had a good talk last night and instead of taking all his free time we came up with a solution. We keep going till the kids are in bed. Then he can play music till his eyes close
Last night he started fixings the small reno's that he has been ignoring. We figured that the more that builds up the more over whelmed he became. The result was lower self esteem and depression. Once he acknowledged that he see's the negatives in all situations he Started fixing the steps in the front and he had a big smile and was much more positive and happy. I showed him support and told him to make the call for his taxes and we will work on a plan together
He has also decided to take a bike ride with the kids after supper to loose his little 20 lbs he has gained du to quitting smoking even if I told him I think he is sexy hot man
I don't want to change him as I fell in love with him and not an image of who I wanted him to be. All I wanted was him to try and I would support him all the way!
He has always wanted a simpler life your right about that. We purchased a fix er upper home and accomplished a lot of work together but then we had two kids one year apart and there went the simpler life. I don't mind doing all the house cleaning, cooking and caring for the kids. He enjoys playing with them and it gives me a break . I personally hate clutter and try to be somewhat of a minimalist. I have always been a problem solver as well
I appreciate all the comments and help on this! We had a good talk last night and instead of taking all his free time we came up with a solution. We keep going till the kids are in bed. Then he can play music till his eyes close
Last night he started fixings the small reno's that he has been ignoring. We figured that the more that builds up the more over whelmed he became. The result was lower self esteem and depression. Once he acknowledged that he see's the negatives in all situations he Started fixing the steps in the front and he had a big smile and was much more positive and happy. I showed him support and told him to make the call for his taxes and we will work on a plan together
He has also decided to take a bike ride with the kids after supper to loose his little 20 lbs he has gained du to quitting smoking even if I told him I think he is sexy hot man
I don't want to change him as I fell in love with him and not an image of who I wanted him to be. All I wanted was him to try and I would support him all the way!
So, what was he like when you met him?
Hard to believe that he made a 180 in the span of 24 hours. How many times has this happened?
If he was a music loving sun god when you met him, I guess that is what he wants to be and that is how you will have to treat him.
Maybe he wants out? Maybe he feels trapped so he decided he better make the best of it. I've met people like that. I guess its one way to live.
he is zoning out and escaping real life. Something he does not like or is too hard for him to deal with, so he zones out and then they go away for a while. find out whats bugging him and then youll get a clue
also, you probably have to take over some tasks that will truly make you suffer very bad consequences in case they don't get done like the mortgage getting paid. someone has to do it. however, if he is zoning out and you are doing for him what he ought to do, then he knows he can get away with it and you'll just do it for him.
so sort out the things that will suffer if you don't take over, but other things, if he doesn't do them, let him sit and stew, like for example his laundry - do you do it or does he? Well you can easily stop doing his laundry, and when he begins to stink, and has no more clean clothes to wear, then maybe he will do his laundry, that's one way you can make him do something which he should be doing anyway!.
I agree with the other poster - live with it or get out. Why go through life like that. I had a second husband that turned out to be a dud. Two years was more than enough.
When you do leave, don't expect child support or sending the kids to visit. It just not going to happen.
Live your life in peace.
there are laws for child support though, to make him pay, unless he skirts that. but she has some leverage there.
Last night he started fixings the small reno's that he has been ignoring. We figured that the more that builds up the more over whelmed he became. The result was lower self esteem and depression. Once he acknowledged that he see's the negatives in all situations he Started fixing the steps in the front and he had a big smile and was much more positive and happy. I showed him support and told him to make the call for his taxes and we will work on a plan together
If he's at all a visual person, it might help to make a to-do list and keep it visible on your computer or even your fridge (with any deadlines marked.) It might help him to see what still needs to be done, and when, and there always a sense of satisfaction crossing something off the list.
I have been told I spoiled him. When we met he procrastinated a lot but I guess he was trying to impressed me and got it done. As the years went I spoiled him WAY TO MUCH! I do all of the cooking, cleaning, budget and finances, shopping and yes even his laundry. All I asked from him was to go to work, take care of his taxes, drivers licence, car maintenance and his Dr. Appointments. He has it good.. That is why I refused to do his taxes and home reno's but still end up giving him a helping hand... I sometimes get frustrated because I would love to be in his shoe's.. I guess I should take some blame for his procrastination.
I think the reason he did a 180 was because I told him that I love him but if things don't we will split.. I guess it was an eye opener!
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