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My husband and I have together for 12 years. He always procrastinated but on small chores and stuff. We bought a house and have two children. The past few years he has gotten worse. He didn't take care of his income tax years ago. The government put a lien on our home. We went to the bank and refinanced our mortgage and got out of it. Well it has happened again! I have asked him over and over but he won't do it. Home repairs, doctor appointments, everything! He rather play music than help. I have tried so many things including painting the house. Thinking it would give him initiative but it didn't.. It is creating such a strain on our lives. When I ask him nicely when he will take care of a task he gets mean. Flipping it around and accusing me of nagging. Each time the arguments are getting worse. When he is upset he will say awfull hurtful things.. I have no patience left. I love him but he is creating a tornado! I am afraid to loose everything we worked so hard to gain.
I have tried.
Talking nicely, offering a helping hand, taking on some of his responsibilities, a honey to do list, encouraging and more! All he does it get defensive and leaves. Please help! There has to be something I have not tried. I have never been a nag but I can no longer watch him get us in a worse situation! My father has employed him for 12 years. He now subcontracts work from him and won't go and get his own jobs or take care of the company.. No patience left!
Or trade him in for a "new model"? (Actually the newer models are quite self centered these days, try an older model - visit a senior center or volunteer for Habitat for Humanity [yourself, not him]).
You can't "trick" someone into doing what you want. Is it possible he's depressed or maybe has other issues going on? Maybe it's time for marriage counseling?
You might just have to lean in to the fact that if you want something done, you're going to have to do it yourself. Maybe he'll step up, maybe he wont, but at least you won't be foreclosed on.
You might just have to lean in to the fact that if you want something done, you're going to have to do it yourself. Maybe he'll step up, maybe he wont, but at least you won't be foreclosed on.
Yep. Either take over the finances, take care of the taxes, etc, yourself or keep allowing yourself to be victimized.
He has proven to you he isn't interested in your "honey do" lists. So either hire someone to do the tasks or do them yourself.
Otherwise, he is not going to change. He has PROVEN THAT TO YOU.
If you can't live with that arrangement, then you need to figure out how to end the marriage and go your separate ways.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you can't "make" your husband do a thing he doesn't feel he NEEDS to do. And he has neglected major issues in your lives . . . and it appears suffering consequences hasn't changed his behaviors. So that leaves you with either picking up the slack or leaving out the door.
monthly, set aside one hour, to review bills, short and long term goals
start with self improvement- short term goals, these are life goals,,,,, this gets into goal setting/lists
exercising, etc..
and
reducing stress which is this stuff you mentioned
place the goals on the fridge , place a list of bills that need to be paid monthly and check off
make it a team effort,,,many of the repairs,,,you can research online and start yourself,,,or set aside time so you BOTH can do them...
you need to be part of this,, don't isolate and impune him,,,,this goes far beyond repairs,,
do this together,,stop nagging him,,,,get some things done and be positive
He wants to play music all day? Sounds like he might want a simpler life but I may just be projecting.
Trick #2: Know your own limits.
Are you willing to take on major issues like filing taxes?
I would not recommend letting other things go, like housework, but make the tasks more efficient. My husband enjoyed a super clean house but also cluttered things making it time consuming to dust and organize.
My rule was that everything needed to have its own spot in the house and I had to label some things like bins and drawers to make it easier. I will add that I paid attention to my family's habits and instead of insisting that particular thing goes here, for example shoes, I made their usual drop off spots the prime location (with a box to throw them in).
You can't "trick" someone into doing what you want. Is it possible he's depressed or maybe has other issues going on? Maybe it's time for marriage counseling?
Your right! He was seeing the dark side of everything. He quit smoking a year ago and gained a lot of weight. The more he procrastinates the more depressed and overwhelmed he becomes.
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