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Old 08-11-2014, 11:12 AM
 
8 posts, read 26,312 times
Reputation: 20

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My husband and I have together for 12 years. He always procrastinated but on small chores and stuff. We bought a house and have two children. The past few years he has gotten worse. He didn't take care of his income tax years ago. The government put a lien on our home. We went to the bank and refinanced our mortgage and got out of it. Well it has happened again! I have asked him over and over but he won't do it. Home repairs, doctor appointments, everything! He rather play music than help. I have tried so many things including painting the house. Thinking it would give him initiative but it didn't.. It is creating such a strain on our lives. When I ask him nicely when he will take care of a task he gets mean. Flipping it around and accusing me of nagging. Each time the arguments are getting worse. When he is upset he will say awfull hurtful things.. I have no patience left. I love him but he is creating a tornado! I am afraid to loose everything we worked so hard to gain.

I have tried.

Talking nicely, offering a helping hand, taking on some of his responsibilities, a honey to do list, encouraging and more! All he does it get defensive and leaves. Please help! There has to be something I have not tried. I have never been a nag but I can no longer watch him get us in a worse situation! My father has employed him for 12 years. He now subcontracts work from him and won't go and get his own jobs or take care of the company.. No patience left!
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Old 08-11-2014, 01:15 PM
 
4,761 posts, read 14,213,243 times
Reputation: 7954
Accept him for the way he is?

Or trade him in for a "new model"? (Actually the newer models are quite self centered these days, try an older model - visit a senior center or volunteer for Habitat for Humanity [yourself, not him]).
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Old 08-11-2014, 01:38 PM
 
8 posts, read 26,312 times
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Lol.. I am not looking to trade or upgrade. Just hoping someone may have tricks to get him going without getting defensive and arguing
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Old 08-11-2014, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
7,214 posts, read 9,352,380 times
Reputation: 7802
You can't "trick" someone into doing what you want. Is it possible he's depressed or maybe has other issues going on? Maybe it's time for marriage counseling?
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Old 08-11-2014, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,627 posts, read 34,087,515 times
Reputation: 76616
You might just have to lean in to the fact that if you want something done, you're going to have to do it yourself. Maybe he'll step up, maybe he wont, but at least you won't be foreclosed on.
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Old 08-11-2014, 04:55 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,093,118 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
You might just have to lean in to the fact that if you want something done, you're going to have to do it yourself. Maybe he'll step up, maybe he wont, but at least you won't be foreclosed on.
Yep. Either take over the finances, take care of the taxes, etc, yourself or keep allowing yourself to be victimized.

He has proven to you he isn't interested in your "honey do" lists. So either hire someone to do the tasks or do them yourself.

Otherwise, he is not going to change. He has PROVEN THAT TO YOU.

If you can't live with that arrangement, then you need to figure out how to end the marriage and go your separate ways.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you can't "make" your husband do a thing he doesn't feel he NEEDS to do. And he has neglected major issues in your lives . . . and it appears suffering consequences hasn't changed his behaviors. So that leaves you with either picking up the slack or leaving out the door.
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Old 08-12-2014, 04:49 AM
 
Location: Southwest France
1,413 posts, read 3,218,431 times
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I'm wondering if this is a passive aggressive reaction to him perceiving that he works all day for Dad, then comes and Daughter has a list as well?

My advice is either have your Dad let him go or start doing direct deposits into your checking account and you pay all the bills.

He's shown you for 12 years what he is like. Do you really think HE is going to change? You may be indulging in magical thinking.
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Old 08-12-2014, 05:35 AM
 
19,957 posts, read 29,996,781 times
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monthly, set aside one hour, to review bills, short and long term goals

start with self improvement- short term goals, these are life goals,,,,, this gets into goal setting/lists
exercising, etc..
and
reducing stress which is this stuff you mentioned

place the goals on the fridge , place a list of bills that need to be paid monthly and check off


make it a team effort,,,many of the repairs,,,you can research online and start yourself,,,or set aside time so you BOTH can do them...

you need to be part of this,, don't isolate and impune him,,,,this goes far beyond repairs,,
do this together,,stop nagging him,,,,get some things done and be positive
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Old 08-12-2014, 07:14 AM
 
7,568 posts, read 4,111,256 times
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Trick #1: Get to know your husband.

He wants to play music all day? Sounds like he might want a simpler life but I may just be projecting.

Trick #2: Know your own limits.

Are you willing to take on major issues like filing taxes?

I would not recommend letting other things go, like housework, but make the tasks more efficient. My husband enjoyed a super clean house but also cluttered things making it time consuming to dust and organize.

My rule was that everything needed to have its own spot in the house and I had to label some things like bins and drawers to make it easier. I will add that I paid attention to my family's habits and instead of insisting that particular thing goes here, for example shoes, I made their usual drop off spots the prime location (with a box to throw them in).
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Old 08-12-2014, 08:37 AM
 
8 posts, read 26,312 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaseMan View Post
You can't "trick" someone into doing what you want. Is it possible he's depressed or maybe has other issues going on? Maybe it's time for marriage counseling?
Your right! He was seeing the dark side of everything. He quit smoking a year ago and gained a lot of weight. The more he procrastinates the more depressed and overwhelmed he becomes.
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