Become FURIOUS When I Can't Find Something, HATE Losing Things (therapy, mom)

[charlygal]

Originally Posted by shyguylh

I do appreciate the tips and replies. That said, I'll probably frustrate most of you, because I'm stubbornly insistent that looking for things and organizations of the caliber being suggested, it's too much work. I want things to never get lost AND without having to do so much work, and further I don't consider it my fault when things get lost. I'd say it's God's fault, because He doesn't just fix it. That's especially the case given that our house is orderly, the work that entails is work enough. It FEELS at least as if the work required for this would entail hours per day, and that's too much.

Oh, I see. You are irrational and have some cognitive/mental issues. That's not meant to be a slam. What you wrote simply does not make sense. Is this a contest thread?

[zugor]

Originally Posted by shyguylh

I do appreciate the tips and replies. That said, I'll probably frustrate most of you, because I'm stubbornly insistent that looking for things and organizations of the caliber being suggested, it's too much work. I want things to never get lost AND without having to do so much work, and further I don't consider it my fault when things get lost. I'd say it's God's fault, because He doesn't just fix it. That's especially the case given that our house is orderly, the work that entails is work enough. It FEELS at least as if the work required for this would entail hours per day, and that's too much.

I don't particularly expect this to be TOTALLY automatic, but just not SO MUCH work. After all, I do do a certain amount of organizing of things by a group. I feel that the "gap" between how much work I invest vs how much is required, God should cover the difference. I'm not asking for a total handout, just help so as to lighten the load. There's more to life than spending hours a day organizing things.

You won't frustrate any of us, just yourself. Your thinking process is TOTALLY IRRATIONAL. Or else you are just so LAZY, LAZY, LAZY, LAZY, LAZY.Any four year old knows better so grow up, stop being a cry baby an d blaming God and take some responsibility for your own slothful ways.

If you bring this attitude to your new job you won't last a month and you'll once again be out of work for years but I suppose you'll just blame someone else for your rotten behavior. Just don't take your anger out on anyone else. Put the gun in your own mouth.

[ChicagoMeO]

Originally Posted by shyguylh

I do appreciate the tips and replies. That said, I'll probably frustrate most of you, because I'm stubbornly insistent that looking for things and organizations of the caliber being suggested, it's too much work. I want things to never get lost AND without having to do so much work, and further I don't consider it my fault when things get lost. I'd say it's God's fault, because He doesn't just fix it. That's especially the case given that our house is orderly, the work that entails is work enough. It FEELS at least as if the work required for this would entail hours per day, and that's too much.

I don't particularly expect this to be TOTALLY automatic, but just not SO MUCH work. After all, I do do a certain amount of organizing of things by a group. I feel that the "gap" between how much work I invest vs how much is required, God should cover the difference. I'm not asking for a total handout, just help so as to lighten the load. There's more to life than spending hours a day organizing things.

You have not frustrated me. You've made it clear what you want.

Keep on doing what you are doing and you will continually to be frustrated. If you do not take responsibility for your own actions, then you will keep on having the same results.

You say it is too much work - yet you are causing it. And you dont want to do a simple thing to change it.

so based on that, you want to be angry and you want your stuff to get lost.

We have told you how to lighten you load and you refuse, so that means you love to live like that.

You've chosen what you want. You dont like it. but you have chosen to put yourself in a kind of prison. We have the keys. you refuse. We cannot help you if you refuse to do a simple thing like we have all told you.

You must be getting some benefit from continually losing things and ranting. Only you can figure that out. There is a reason you are choosing to be frustrated and mad and continue to do things to lose your stuff.

Who knows? Maybe you are getting back at your wife who has to live with this. I'm sure she LOVES to hear you and watch you lose your mind and constantly rave about things. I think maybe you really are angry at her or someone else.

You might be using those lost objects as a reason to get mad on purpose and your taking out your anger on your lost things which you choose to lose. they represent something else in your life that you can get angry at.

so who are you REALLY mad at?

[shyguylh]

This posting is apt to be long, just letting you know.

Not Lazy, Just Not Going To Be A Sucker
I do not for a minute consider myself lazy. I just do this moronic thing called thinking, and my thinking says that life should have a certain amount of fun to it, and not be full of nothing but drudgery. To the extent that my body, mind or whatever is willing to invest, say, 2 units of work or labor, but life is demanding that I have to be willing to invest 5 units, I push back and say "no, you're asking too much of me. I'm going to do 2 and STILL expect things to work properly." I am not wanting things to be totally automatic, I'm wanting them easier RELATIVELY speaking. So what?

So basically zugor, go hockey puck yourself and put the gun to your mouth, to be blunt. If you are happy working and working and working and working and working and working and working and working and working practically every single minute of the day, fine. Some of us have brains and enough sense to realize that there's a whole world of fun out there to be had and that you don't get to experience any of it when you're a prisoner to 24/7 working. No, thank you.

And they like me at my job a lot, thank you very much.

Childhood History Affecting This?
At the risk of really going long with this, I often hear that issues during one's childhood can be a factor in how one is in their adult years. Growing up, it seemed anyway that every weekend we did a lot of "chore" work around the house. I'd return to school on Monday, and hear my classmates talk at length about the fun things they did that weekend, and they weren't expensive things--going to the lake and grilling out, playing at a friend's house, etc. When they got to me, my answer: "we cut the grass, we raked the leaves, we went to my Aunt's house and cut her grass and raked her leaves. Then we went to my grandaddy's house and cut his grass, and he yelled at me constantly everytime I did it just the slightest bit wrong. Then my mother and aunts yelled at me calling me 'lazy' because I wanted to play after cutting grass and raking the leaves at 3 people's houses in a single day."

Seriously, a lot of the times anyway, it really was like that. The weekend would come, and rather than us having fun, it was work work work in terms of working in the yard, and I would do the work as best I could, but I wasn't as fast as most others, I didn't enjoy it and would let them know occasionally--and I mean you talk about yelling at me, boy did they ever. I don't recall a single time where they said "son, it may not be fun, but unfortunately we have to do some work on occasion, life can't be ALL fun and games," instead it was tons and tons and tons of yelling about how I was "lazy" because, oh my goodness, I actually wanted to play for more than 5 minutes all weekend long.

That may explain a lot of this, because I am telling you, it really was like that a lot of the time, at least that's how I perceived it then and remember it now, and I swore that once I got out of that house, I would never do another speck of work I didn't have to do. I cut the grass when I feel like it, it can grow to my knees sometimes before I cut it, depending on how fast it grows. If it's been 2 months, then okay, that may be a long time, but if I cut it just last weekend and it's already grown, then the problem to me isn't that I'm lazy, the problem is that the grass is growing too fast for me to keep up with it. So I just let it grow, and I deal with it, say, a month later. If that means I'm "lazy"--again, go hockey puck yourself. Cutting the grass every single weekend isn't my idea of a fun life.

Willing to Work, Just Not Every Minute
Besides that, though, we don't have much grass, and that's just the way I like it. Leaves--I don't rake them, they're leaves, not piles of dog poop. I carry out the trash, sure, and the house in fact looks pretty darn good. I keep the dishes up, thanks to a machine that, ahem, makes it easier, and the clothes typically are kept up pretty good as well.

I'm not sitting on my rump letting all of that go to pot and thinking God is supposed to be some unpaid maid and do it for me. I'm saying, hey, I'm working here, and after awhile, I get tired of it, I'm ready to have some fun now, can't you help cover the gap a little bit? I don't want my weekend filled with nothing but work every last minute of the day.

Working at a job--okay, I do that, no problem. I'm at work to work, and have been doing it fine, always have for the most part. However, to me, once that's done, now it's time to RELAX awhile and enjoy life. To work at your job and come home, only to have to work again, that's a bum deal. No, thank you, I'm pushing back against that mentality. Maybe the occasional losing of things is the price you pay, and maybe the response should be that I should be OKAY with things becoming lost.

Or misplaced.

"Help Me"
Going back to that one post, one person elaborated on the difference between things being lost vs misplaced. In my case, most times it's misplaced. There have been occasions where items became lost for good, but most times they eventually turn up. The part where I become upset is that I am wanting them to not become misplaced to start with, I'm not content with "it will turn up later." I want it now.

That's the thing, too--for all my talk of how it's "too much work" and "I want it to be automatic," there is a fair amount of effort I make with respect towards organization. The problem is, after awhile, you get tired of it, and all I'm saying is I would really appreciate it if God would "cover the difference." It reminds me of something my mother said, when I have seen her give financial help to some in her family--she is willing to help someone so long as they're at least trying. She has seen some in her family that seem to do no work at all, and they ask for her help, and she doesn't oblige them. Others, they work, but after awhile, they are tired and sore and just can't do anymore, yet still there's more work to be done to fix their life or whatever, but they're tired, and they feel defeated. Those--she helps them, because at least they're trying.

That's all I am saying--God, you see I'm trying, can't you cover the difference? Be decent, and help for crying out loud.

Some Things Just Can't Be Organized
Besides that, some things don't lend themselves towards organization so much, while others do. For example, a PC computer--that's not apt to get lost, you set it up at a desk and it stays there. The heater, the air conditioner, the stove. Then there are things that aren't that "permanent" but lend themselves towards organization. Tools, for instance--we built that storage building, and most of the tools go in there, and I do make a decent effort towards making sure that, once done, they're returned to that area. Kitchen silverware, appliances--that's easy. Keys, hang them on a nail on the wall. I used to lose my keys all the time, then one day I got the idea of hanging them on a nail by the main door--it's easy, as you leave, you grab them, as you arrive home, you hang them back up. It's not hard, even for me, and it has made all of the difference in the world.

However, there are things that don't lend themselves towards organization as much, and in the "flow of life" they could be anywhere, not because anyone is lazy or not diligent enough, but because in the "flow of life" they could be anywhere, just because. My MP3 player--I listen to music all over the house, anywhere, and when I'm done, I put it down on whatever is closest to me. At the risk of sounding lazy--yes, to have to assign that to, say, a certain spot in the bedroom, even though I'm outside, and to HAVE to stop doing what I'm doing RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT, go all the way to the bedroom, put it there, and come all the way back--no thank you. I'm going to put it down on something obvious and visible in that area, and if I forget, upon leaving, to grab it and take it with me, why can't God just sort of "tap me on the shoulder" to remind me--hey, don't forget your MP3 player, and I can then take it to the bedroom in a specific spot of sorts? Why do I have to do it right this minute? I'm tired, I'm relaxing, I'm listening to the birds chirp, I'm watching the kittens wrestle. Why can't it be "good enough" that I at least put it somewhere obvious and visible, and just remember to take it withe me when I get up and go back to the house? I'm not asking for it to just place itself back in the bedroom, just that my brain doesn't forget upon leaving, and that I don't mistakenly, say, put my shirt (if I've taken it off due to the heat) on top of the MP3 player, making it to where I now won't see it later on? Just "tap me on the shoulder" to help me remember and notice not do that.

The same goes for a tablet. A tablet, unlike a PC, isn't always in a particular spot. It's "lounge" computing--you do it on the toilet, the couch, the kitchen table, in bed, on the couch while watching a DVD. I'm not inclined to, once I'm done, stop, get up, go to the "assigned spot," put it there, and then come back? I'm apt to instead, say, put it on the coffee table, or on top of the commode lid, or on the kitchen table in a visible spot? Why can't that be good enough?

Then there's the time I lost--no, misplaced--my camera about 3 years ago. I wasn't being "lazy." I simply left it at a restaurant. I'm the type to take a camera eveywhere with me because I like to take photos of the places I go. I make efforts--really, I do--towards not misplacing it or leaving it somewhere. Yet, in the "flow of life," things happen, and you overlook it. You aren't meaning to, you're not consciously refusing to be diligent, you simply notice every single thing every single minute, no matter how hard you try. Such happened 3 years ago--I left my camera at a restaurant. Luckily, in the "retracing of steps," I found it a week later there, they had put it in the office and kept it.

You Can't Help Forgetting, Why Can't God "Cover the Difference" When You're Trying And/or Just Can't Help It?
Now, tell me, how was I lazy there? I wasn't, I simply forgot. I didn't say to myself "I know that if I don't do such and such I may forget the camera--heck with it, I'm not going to, that's too much work." No such conscious decision was made. I probably had it right beside me on the chair, meaning to have it in a good place close to me, and forgot to grab it while leaving. I don't consider that my fault, because you can't help forgetting something, that's not something you do on purpose. You just forget. That's not your fault. It's probably not anybody's fault, but that's where I make the leap and say "well God, you saw me do that, why didn't you 'tap me on the shoulder' to remind me?" Really, is that so much to ask? I don't think it is.

The alternative is to chalk it up as an accident, and accept that "accidents happen." That's probably what I'm supposed to do, instead--yes, God, you saw that, why not stop it? And yes, the same goes for much more weighty matters--you saw that drunk person get in the car, why couldn't you, say, disable the car car temporarily vs letting that happen and he then proceeded to kill somebody? Obviously in that case the drunk was deliberately and maliciously doing something evil and wrong, vs just forgetting unintentionally, and that may be why I don't get as upset about that.

But then--what about that fine woman who got ovarian cancer and died in her late 40s, leaving behind a grieving husband and daughter? She didn't do anything negligent or wrong, and you had the power to stop it--why didn't you? What's the point of that? Her husband and daughter are grieving and hurting so badly, don't you care? And don't you owe them an explanation as to why?

Life will involve a certain amount of drudgery and pain, I understand it, it's more a matter of how much. Once it reaches a certain thresh-hold, I push back against it. Maybe I'm supposed to embrace it, but I refuse to. I can't possibly be in agreement with how I was raised, working and toiling all weekend while others my age got to actually play and have fun, and they weren't rich or anything, they just had a better way of thinking, in my mind. Life isn't perfect, but it's supposed to be fun. Make it fun, go have fun. Don't be a 24/7 slave to endless toiling and grunt work. Flee it at all costs--so long as you don't overflee it and wake up to a house of squalor, it's fine.

[Nonchalance]

You are who you are...that's neither bad nor good.

An MP3 player...is that small enough to slip into a shirt pocket? I know an ipad isn't.

You did mention God. Try asking St. Anthony to find your missing stuff. I've lost things through no fault of my own, such as a tiny part that flew out of my hands during a repair process, or an item I bought that was not in the bag when I came home. Many, many more things. Ask. If they still exist, you'll find them.

[Classy Sassy]

Originally Posted by shyguylh

I do appreciate the tips and replies. That said, I'll probably frustrate most of you, because I'm stubbornly insistent that looking for things and organizations of the caliber being suggested, it's too much work. I want things to never get lost AND without having to do so much work, and further I don't consider it my fault when things get lost. I'd say it's God's fault, because He doesn't just fix it. That's especially the case given that our house is orderly, the work that entails is work enough. It FEELS at least as if the work required for this would entail hours per day, and that's too much.

I don't particularly expect this to be TOTALLY automatic, but just not SO MUCH work. After all, I do do a certain amount of organizing of things by a group. I feel that the "gap" between how much work I invest vs how much is required, God should cover the difference. I'm not asking for a total handout, just help so as to lighten the load. There's more to life than spending hours a day organizing things.

I do understand. I presently live in my mother's home as her caregiver. She is constantly losing things too. We come back from shopping, and she tucks things away somewhere sort of absentmindedly where she thinks she will remember it...then she can't remember where she put it. She loses a lot of new things in the house. She is starting to have some memory problems. I know that is not the problem in your case.

Finally, I cleared a table top in the hall, and told her to put things that do not have any special "assigned" location yet there until she is ready to use it. That seems to help somewhat.

I still think a therapist could help you and probably give you some medication so that you are not so over-the-top furious when you lose an item. Good luck!

[TheShadow]

OP, you are fantastically immature and honestly need to see a therapist to get yourself grounded in reality. The world, and G*d, do not exist to satisfy your needs/wants. You write, and apparently behave, like a spoiled brat. Throwing things and breaking things because YOU placed an object somewhere and can't find it is ridiculous. Of course it's frustrating, but you have to at least admit that YOU are the one at fault for misplacing it, take a deep breath and figure it out, or just forget it and it will turn up at some point.

You need to stop calling on G*d to solve your stupid earthly problems. If there is a god, he/she would certainly not have the time to deal with your petty problems due to your own lack of organization, laziness, forgetfulness, whatever. People are sick, grieving, starving, going homeless, fighting wars, and you expect G*d (and us) to give a shyte about your misplaced tablet?? Grow up. And learn to control your temper.

[shyguylh]

Originally Posted by Classy Sassy

I do understand. I presently live in my mother's home as her caregiver. She is constantly losing things too. We come back from shopping, and she tucks things away somewhere sort of absentmindedly where she thinks she will remember it...then she can't remember where she put it. She loses a lot of new things in the house. She is starting to have some memory problems. I know that is not the problem in your case.

Finally, I cleared a table top in the hall, and told her to put things that do not have any special "assigned" location yet there until she is ready to use it. That seems to help somewhat.

I still think a therapist could help you and probably give you some medication so that you are not so over-the-top furious when you lose an item. Good luck!

Yes, it is frustrating as heck. As for medication--yes, either that, or as my wife says, go off in the woods and break stuff there. It's a good idea, the problem is that it's such a long walk away. Maybe I need a punching bag or the like--thus, "redirect," go outside, and punch the daylights out of that sucker, cussing like crazy until I'm winded.

I don't really care about the "people are dying in wars" comparison. Someone somewhere always has it worse than others around you--does that mean the aggravations or such of the people around you don't matter? What about the woman who misses her husband while he's away on a business trip--is she not allowed to vent about missing him because someone else has a husband who's gone for longer on a military deployment? Is that woman not allowed to talk about that because one woman had a husband die in combat? Is that woman not allowed to talk about that because she lost her father, husband AND son in combat? The person who is homeless, is he not allowed to talk about that because he's been homeless for a month while someone else has been homeless for a year?

Just because someone else's pain is worse, that doesn't mean that another's pain or aggravations are irrelevant, even if they aren't as bad.

[zugor]

Originally Posted by shyguylh

This is what you wrote just a few days ago in another thread:

HOWEVER, if you, say, pass the time with a tablet for yourself, and you give the child a book or a suitable toy for their age, I think it's totally normal to tell them not to bug you for your tablet--those are your toys, this is MY toy. It's a "respect of property" thing. Also, at the same time, I do think sometimes a child does need to be told to "get over it" and "suck it up" vs it being a case of that anytime they act up they get a pacifier of sorts, regardless of what that "pacifier" is. Most crucially, a child should understand the "because I said so" concept--that is, mommy or I said be quiet, and you do that because you are the child and I'm the parent and you better darn well do as you're told whether you like it or not. Otherwise, I'm going to be looking for a bathroom with no surveillance cameras and/or bystanders and show you that I mean business.

You are 40 years old, not a child so "get over it" and "suck it up".

Not Lazy, Just Not Going To Be A Sucker

So basically zugor, go hockey puck yourself and put the gun to your mouth, to be blunt. If you are happy working and working and working and working and working and working and working and working and working practically every single minute of the day, fine. Some of us have brains and enough sense to realize that there's a whole world of fun out there to be had and that you don't get to experience any of it when you're a prisoner to 24/7 working. No, thank you.

Some facts about me: I am a single woman who worked a blue collar job to support herself, owned a home and took care of it, took care of many dogs and retired at the age of 55 and I have an income of just over $96,000 a year. Have I ever jokingly posted that shouldn't being retired mean you don't have to work any more? then how come I still have to do laundry and dishes, and vacuuming and grocery shopping and taking the car in to the shop for maint and repairs and sit down and pay bills, etc., because it cuts in to my reading, napping, playing with the dogs time. I've joked that I should teach the dogs how to vacuum since it is their fur that is 95% of what I'm cleaning up. Then I say that it would be far more work to teach them than to just do it myself. I don't blame or resent them because they grow far more hair than they need, I just joke that my conspiracy theory about this is that many decades ago the vacuum cleaner manufacturers all got together to have dogs genetically altered to do this so that they could sell more machines.

I'm pretty happy, never in a furious rage, don't go around smashing things in my own home and am not so angry at life or God that I might someday go postal, which I fear is what may happen with you if you do not get some help dealing with these issues.

Life will involve a certain amount of drudgery and pain, I understand it, it's more a matter of how much. Once it reaches a certain thresh-hold, I push back against it. Maybe I'm supposed to embrace it, but I refuse to. I can't possibly be in agreement with how I was raised, working and toiling all weekend while others my age got to actually play and have fun, and they weren't rich or anything, they just had a better way of thinking, in my mind. Life isn't perfect, but it's supposed to be fun. Make it fun, go have fun. Don't be a 24/7 slave to endless toiling and grunt work. Flee it at all costs--so long as you don't overflee it and wake up to a house of squalor, it's fine.

Other kids got to have less responsibility and more fun then you. Ain't it awful. Do you think that you were the only one? Do you think that somehow entitles you to a pass on behaving like a responsible adult now? Well, it doesn't. I grew up with a raging alcoholic father and an enabling mother. My two older brothers escaped the house when I was 10 and I was often on my own since my folks were out at the gin mill, having fun getting drunk with their buddies. The summer I was 12 I had a day when I just could not take it any more and ran away from home. The cops picked me up about 2 in the morning wandering the empty streets of my suburban neighborhood. I refused to say a word and they had no reports of a missing kid so the only place they could take me was the hospital where I was put in the adult psych ward. I stayed there, unspeaking for 5 days until I was bored with the place I gave them my name and my phone number. My parents had never filed a police report because they hadn't even noticed that I was not around.

In January of my junior year of high school I had to drop out and spend the next 8 months taking care of my bed-ridden, incontinent mother who was dieing of cancer. I also had to take care of all the housework because may father would never consider picking up his used coffee cup and carrying it from the living room to the kitchen so I could wash it, never mind helping care for my mom. He'd just head off the the bars. After her death I returned to school full time, took care of everything in the house and worked at a deli from 6 to 10 pm, Mon-Fri plus 6 hours on the weekend. I continued to work that job until I left for college. Did I wish that I could go out with my friends on a Friday night or go horse-back riding at the stables on the weekend - of course. It was not the hand that fate had dealt me. Wishing that things were different did not change reality.

As an adult I had to make a choice whether I would stay stuck in that sad and miserable place for the rest of my life or if I would make some changes and fine a way to be happier. I was very fortunate to have the help of a very talented and gifted therapist. The healing took a lot of years and yes, there are still scar tissues but on balance I'm happy and content with my life and glad I made the choice to find my way to a pleasurable existence.

If you chose to stay stuck in your misery and delusional fantasies of how you feel it should be than I hope at the end of your life you feel that the pain was worth it. Some people simply do not have the courage to even try to change because if they try and are not perfectly successful then they think that it will prove that they never deserved anything better. If that is the case with you then I do not feel sorry for you because you are a coward but I do feel sorry for those around you who have to put up with such infantile and dangerous behavior.

At my old job we had a saying: If you don't think you have the time to do it right in the first place how will you ever find the time to do it over?

[Clemencia53]

since you said you can't see things that are right in front of you, maybe you are slightly colorblind? Things just blend together?