Why is it better to not pay evil for evil (parent, relationship)

[LoveWisdom]

So I was thinking: if this person doesn’t return my calls, maybe I should pay them back and not return their calls and see how it makes them feel.

So “not to return calls” is this person’s weakness. And for a moment I was considering to copy this person’s weakness into myself and do like this person does.

And what will it accomplish? It will increase the number of weaknesses in me. I have my own set of weaknesses. I don’t need to add these person’s weaknesses to mine. My strength is to call people back right away. So I should exercise my strength. Because each person is a combination of strengths and weaknesses. And what makes you a good person is if the number of strengths is bigger than the number of weaknesses in you. And if you start copying other people’s weaknesses (doing bad like they do, to pay them back), you will become a worse person because the number of your weaknesses will increase in your ratio.

So the right way to see this is this: so this person doesn’t like calling people back. It’s his weakness. It’s ok. He has strengths too, he can do some things that I can’t do. Like he can sacrifice better in some situations, that his strength. That's something he can do that I can't. So he will help me out in his own way, while making my life unpleasant in other ways (due to his weaknesses). But I also have weaknesses and I am already making his life unpleasant in some situations because of them. So it makes no sense to raise the number of weaknesses in me and add his to mine and do like he did. People's strengths, it's when it pays off to have a relationship with them. So the more strengths we have, the more they will want to be in a relationship with us. So it's a bad idea to add their weaknesses to a set of our own.

So I have to call him back because that is my strength. And later in life he will use his own strength to help me out, to make things better for me. So at the end it will balance out (in a way). But if we start to copy each other’s weaknesses and do to them like they did to us according to their weakness, we will be turning into worse people.

[sirron]

While I don't put Returning phone calls in the Evil catagory, you do have a point.

History holds some profound lessons of what happens when the Eye for an Eye theory is practiced. Think Hatfields and McCoys.

[Tintlelli]

LoveWisdom, I agree with what you say but many people I encounter would not.

When I was younger I was more like "eye-for-an-eye" and "there! See how you like it!" Experience has shown me that goes nowhere. Maybe if the two of us think on the exact same wavelength the other person would get the message, but usually what happens is the other doesn't notice or care. He doesn't answer your calls, and then you don't answer his? He doesn't care, it doesn't register with him because it's not important to him.

Some people on CDF recently have posted messages stating, basically, to get through to an a-hole you have to be an a-hole yourself, you have to speak his language. Most of the time it seems the jerk can't take what he dishes out so your intended message will be lost.

[LoveWisdom]

Originally Posted by Tintlelli

LoveWisdom, I agree with what you say but many people I encounter would not.

When I was younger I was more like "eye-for-an-eye" and "there! See how you like it!" Experience has shown me that goes nowhere. Maybe if the two of us think on the exact same wavelength the other person would get the message, but usually what happens is the other doesn't notice or care. He doesn't answer your calls, and then you don't answer his? He doesn't care, it doesn't register with him because it's not important to him.

Some people on CDF recently have posted messages stating, basically, to get through to an a-hole you have to be an a-hole yourself, you have to speak his language. Most of the time it seems the jerk can't take what he dishes out so your intended message will be lost.

There is some truth to that fact that people MAY start to care if they experience it themselves. But as you pointed out, it usually doesn't happen when WE are the ones teaching them this. Usually somewhere along the line life may teach them and then they can change. So we just have to patiently wait for that day when life may teach them how not to do such and such.

A great example is parents and their children. Children often mistreat their parents with their behavior. And only later when they become parents themselves they realize this and say: "oh, so that's what I was doing to my parents".

[mordant]

Assuming for the sake of argument that what someone does to you is actually evil and that you are not jumping to conclusions about it, lowering yourself to their level perpetuates evil in the world. That is not to say that you shouldn't have healthy personal boundaries, or that you should not match the level of actual caring and interest other people exhibit in what you do for them. It is not saying you should be a doormat. I don't invest in people or associate with people who don't treat me well. But "tit for tat" helps no one.

[mainebrokerman]

some people are blind to what they do or impose on others

I use the..... treat others as they treat you rule-

or

if its common sense tell that person they are out of line- why will anyone change if everyone else in the world accommodates him/her??

we've had family get togethers here... one new- "in-law" is very loud - there's no need to be so loud and obnoxious

so after dinner,,,i asked him to "tone it down" he is too loud, he didn't like to hear it but the family member he was with thanked me, she said no one wanted to tell him that (very imposing personality)
that he is loud in most gatherings- she said his whole family is very loud

and...he did tone it down



there is a balance and karma in life, also some common sense respect and consideration- use the golden rule ...do unto others