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If you want a baby, buy the insurance. If you can't afford $140 for insurance, you can't afford to raise a child. It's that simple. If you want a child, you do what it takes to support that child.
Has it ever occurred to either of you that HE should find a job with good insurance?!?!?!
He has nerve pressuring you to have children and wanting you to be the one who makes it financially possible. Think about this. You relocated to another city for him to be employed without insurance while you are unemployed. Prior to moving, if you were the main breadwinner with the stable job and good insurance, you should have never left that for your husband to have a job that doesn't provide health insurance. Obviously, he's not making great money since you can't afford $140/month for health insurance. It doesn't sound like this move was a wise financial decision from many angles.
Even for two income families, it's important to identify who is going to be the main supporter of the family. In my house, that's my husband. He earned more money and had a much more stable career than me. When you have children, sometimes it's not possible to be a two income family. If you are the main wage earner for your family, is your husband prepared to be a stay at home parent if it becomes necessary due to a child with a serious illness? You both need to really sit down and talk about these things. The fact you moved across country for a job that doesn't have health insurance indicates there are bigger problems than when to have a baby.
I'm fuming over him wanting YOU to secure the good health insurance before you try to have children. Do you realize while you're on maternity leave that you'll have to pay for health insurance on the income he's making now? Even if you have a job with health insurance, maternity leave is UNPAID and you have to pay the premium for the health insurance while you are on maternity leave. That means his solution for YOU to be the one obtaining health insurance isn't logical since you claim you can't afford $140/month on his income alone. We pay $400/month for health insurance through my husband's employer. The health insurance at whatever job you get will be higher than $140/month if you are covering yourself, your husband and your child. You'll be paying that without your income while you are on maternity leave.
I agree with you on that...If you want a child, you do whatever it takes to support that child.
No, we didn't move for his job. Sorry about the misunderstanding. Where we lived before, we both had stable incomes but I'm the one that wanted to move and pressured him to do so. Neither of us had family there anymore. He moved there years earlier in a previous marriage and had no family there...and a couple years ago my mom moved 10 hours away to care for my grandfather. We moved partially for change and a fresh start and partially because it was closer to some sort of family (my aunt, although she's an hour and a half away). However, once the house was sold, etc. he is the one that found a job first in this new city. I probably feel more pressure from my biological clock than pressure from him to have a kid right now. He'd rather I wait until I find a job. No he doesn't make great money and to add to that, although he moved cities for me, he's not big on any sort of change. I feel like his fear of change or inability to see past 5 feet in front of him (sorry Honey) prevents him from seeing and trying for any sort of opportunities in life. He's content making a moderate salary as long as he's in his comfort zone. I say that to say, the odds of him getting a better paying job with better insurance are unlikely. That's why my employment is so important. Not that I made substantially more than he, but I am ambitious and always looking for opportunities.
Lol. Goctha. Well I think that all depends on the parent in general rather than the age of the parent. I know parents in their 20's that aren't interested in taking their kids to soccer games...not because they were lazy (although I've seen that too) but because they had more important things to do like hanging out with their own friends. They didn't have time for and weren't interested in being involved with their kids hobbies. Sometimes age/maturity can be a good thing. It's all relative.
It's not all relative because it's not just based on the parents' energy or interest in activities. It's about appearances too. My mother had my youngest sister at age 39. Everyone always automatically thought they were grandmother and granddaughter. That embarrassed my sister. The last thing she wanted was my parents at her soccer games and such. There's a CD member who is an older mother, and she told me privately that she is lonely because she has nothing in common with the other parents. They don't want to socialize with her because she's so much older than them. And she has nothing in common with women her age because everyone else has an empty nest, and their lives aren't focused on child-related topics aside from being grandparents.
I think timing for having a baby is bad...and if you really want to travel and get that Master's degree, I'd skip having a child.
No one thinks about having a child with special needs. It's a very real possibility. How would you manage your life's dreams if you end up having a child with moderate to severe special needs?
I agree that if you can't afford insurance, you can't afford a child. You will be struggling in poverty for years to come. How is this a good situation to bring a baby into?
Sounds to me like you're realizing that you're getting older...maybe your biological clock is starting to tick louder. You find yourself in a lull and wonder....maybe I could squeeze in having a baby now? Yet you still have all these dreams of travel and graduate school. It's not fair to your child to have them, only to pawn them off to someone else while you go to school/work. It sounds to me like you waited until 35 to start thinking about this, because having a child is not that important to you. So don't have one. It will definitely make travel and school more difficult. And that's if you have a healthy child. Have a child with special needs, and you can pretty much forget anything else but raising that child full time for pretty much, ever.
Love your post. It puts things into perspective a little more for me. I do feel like I can't imagine life without a child, but the degree is another matter. I think it would be good to have to open up more opportunities, but I'm still unsure of its worth.
^ This is your real answer, in your own words.
Last edited by Utopian Slums; 09-23-2014 at 03:00 PM..
Reason: misread quote
In addition to my above, i just want to remind you that this isn't all about "special needs" children as so many here have written. Yes, it is a possibility. But yes, you can test for Downs while pregnant and abort if you feel you need to.
It's not all relative because it's not just based on the parents' energy or interest in activities. It's about appearances too. My mother had my youngest sister at age 39. Everyone always automatically thought they were grandmother and granddaughter. That embarrassed my sister. The last thing she wanted was my parents at her soccer games and such. There's a CD member who is an older mother, and she told me privately that she is lonely because she has nothing in common with the other parents. They don't want to socialize with her because she's so much older than them. And she has nothing in common with women her age because everyone else has an empty nest, and their lives aren't focused on child-related topics aside from being grandparents.
I had my son at 42, and he's 10 now, and I don't feel this way at all. Yes, I'm older than most of the other parents, but not even all of them. And even when I am, there is 5 or 10 years max difference, not 20. We are not so different in life experiences that we don't have things in common. One of my dearest friends is 10 years younger than me and I never feel like there is any age difference.
It's not all relative because it's not just based on the parents' energy or interest in activities. It's about appearances too. My mother had my youngest sister at age 39. Everyone always automatically thought they were grandmother and granddaughter. That embarrassed my sister. The last thing she wanted was my parents at her soccer games and such. There's a CD member who is an older mother, and she told me privately that she is lonely because she has nothing in common with the other parents. They don't want to socialize with her because she's so much older than them. And she has nothing in common with women her age because everyone else has an empty nest, and their lives aren't focused on child-related topics aside from being grandparents.
Or it can be absolutely nothing like that.
I have plenty in common with other parents, a lot of parents at our (elementary) school are in their 40's to early 50's, and I assure you not one person has ever mistaken me for my child's grandmother.
Yes I guess some people have these issues but personally I find that myself and the "older" parents do not have one obvious foot in the grave, mainly because you are active with pre teen children and that keeps the reaper somewhat at bay in and of itself.
Things are much different than they were 30 years ago.
Just to add to what Hopes was saying about maternity leave.
Even if you get a job tomorrow, it's still 6 months before you can qualify for maternity leave. You may or may not be paid for that time, depending on your benefits package, and if paid, your pay during that time will be a fraction of your salary.
On one income, you guys can't afford $140 for insurance. So, have you looked at daycare costs for when you go back to work? Diapers? Even on two not-so-great salaries, it's a struggle.
I don't envy your position. Honestly, you can't afford to have a child now. But, if you don't do it now, you might never have the chance. I don't know what I would do in your situation. Good luck.
You (35) and your spouse (42) recently relocated to a new city. He's the only one working and it's taking you longer than expected to find a job and you're already concerned about the employment gap on your resume since the relocation.
Do you go ahead and start a family while in this stagnant period? Or do you wait (how long unknown) until you find a job/insurance, then start a family and somehow fit the masters degree in there somewhere down the line? Other things to consider...you do not have insurance through your spouses employer, you have a great love for travel but can't do this freely until both incomes are back in play and you want to get your graduate degree before 40.
What are your suggestions on a timeline?
If you have the option of getting pregnant now I suggest you take it.
Your fertility drops over 35 and you may have issues conceiving.
BUT, the bigger issue for me is the higher likelihood of a child with Down's Syndrome or Autism.
Yes, this is my fear. I may regret that I didn't have kids. I think he'd rather I be working with good insurance before we start trying.
Can you actually survive on just his income?
The way i look at it working is just that after a life time of doing it i'm hard pressed to come up with much in the way of memories as one day is just like another and the money made is just money.
My 2 kids on the other hand have given me 25 years of joy and memories and they will continue thinking of all the things we did together long after i'm gone.Now in retirement i'm blessed to have both kids still living at home ,i really enjoy the excitement they and their friends bring into my life, life would be kinda dreary with out them.
The choice of family or job to me is a no brainer.
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) prevents him from seeing and trying for any sort of opportunities in life. He's content making a moderate salary as long as he's in his comfort zone. I say that to say, the odds of him getting a better paying job with better insurance are unlikely.
That's why my employment is so important. Not that I made substantially more than he, but I am ambitious and always looking for opportunities.
