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My husband died just over a month ago from literally drinking himself to death. This was a long time in coming and I did expect it years earlier and was fully prepared to find him. It did happen that after 16 years he had escalated into physical and mental abuse and he finally left for the last time in handcuffs. This had happened previous, but, I always felt that we could work it out. He flung me from a car, left me in bars and the list is simply far to numerous. During our marriage he would pretty much be passed out every night after 6 PM and I would watch TV alone at night shows like Intervention and take huge comfort in the people that became sober and pray that that would happen to my husband. After four rehab attempts needless to say it never did. I now have found myself rewatching those shows and crying and wondering what happened to us. Is this bad or good in grief??? I'm a bit confused what is wrong with me.
People all grieve differently. There is no set way to do it and no time frame that's exactly the same for everyone. But after years of abuse I suspect there may be some PTSD issues you are, or will soon be facing. Strongly advise that you seek out counseling from someone with a specialty in this area.
My condolences. It is so hard to lose a loved one... even if they were emotionally vacant. Do you attend a support group? A huge part of your life is gone now but you DO have a whole new world ahead of you! You are no longer in bondage to an alcoholic and I think it would help if you sought help from a grief counselor.
There is a grief and mourning forum on CD that may help more.
a month is not very long. You are still processing. Levels of grief to go through. (you lost a spouse and you couldnt help him (guilt perhaps) and you were able to live life without his addiction (some more guilt please). You likely are grieving for a marriage that didnt turn out like you planned (my husband died, I grieved him AND the fact my marriage and life didnt turn out as I had hoped)
It isn't the same, but my sister was an addict and alcoholic. When she died at 28 I felt enormous guilt - because I didnt get the same genes. I got a better chance of life, just based on chance. It added a separate layer of grieving most ppl wouldnt understand.
My mother still goes to alanon, years after her death. Give it a try.
Last edited by magpiehere; 10-14-2014 at 03:20 PM..
My husband died just over a month ago from literally drinking himself to death. This was a long time in coming and I did expect it years earlier and was fully prepared to find him. It did happen that after 16 years he had escalated into physical and mental abuse and he finally left for the last time in handcuffs. This had happened previous, but, I always felt that we could work it out. He flung me from a car, left me in bars and the list is simply far to numerous. During our marriage he would pretty much be passed out every night after 6 PM and I would watch TV alone at night shows like Intervention and take huge comfort in the people that became sober and pray that that would happen to my husband. After four rehab attempts needless to say it never did. I now have found myself rewatching those shows and crying and wondering what happened to us. Is this bad or good in grief??? I'm a bit confused what is wrong with me.
Dear, nothing is wrong with you... It's not your fault. You didn't choose to pick up a bottle, pass out before dark every night - that was him. 100% all him. Not you... him.
You loved him, and wanted the best for him. You wanted him to change - to be like those on the shows you referenced, you did everything you could do to help get him on the path, but he - not you - HE chose not to follow.
You are justified in grieving - in looking back and wondering what else you could have done - or not done - to have a different result. That result wasn't up to you - your husband made the choices he made to not get himself straight and sober. You are not at fault - there's nothing you did that you shouldn't have done - and nothing you didn't do that you should have. The consequences that he left of his poor choices are and always were, his.
I pray for you in your time of sadness, and hope that you know that even though people on here don't know each other, those that wish you the best are true to their thoughts, and want nothing but happiness for you.
May God's loving arms hold you and protect you during this sad time in your life.
A no-brainer, alcohol comes under the heading of Spirits, and I've never like that word alcoholic, better to say your partner had long-term spiritual problems in a country considered to be spiritually bankrupt, and he never stumbled upon a more positive spiritual world. Spirituality and Capitalism just don't mix well together!
I went through 3 relationships with those with serious spiritual problems, and I got a good scare reading about Projection. You might want to look into that before you reach out to find another partner. And that was another scare, going to Al-Anon, and being told that there'd be an 85% chance I'd get re-involved with another person with serious spiritual problems.
Projection: what we dislike in ourselves, that which we repress, we have a tendency to project that onto our partners!
Now it is over and you are going on with your life...
You may be interested to know I've had several past experiences with alcoholics and want NOTHING more to do with them...
So this lady moves in next to me and decides she likes me. And she turns out to be an alcoholic. She came over rip roaring drunk to "chat" late at night - just about knocked a small table over on my porch. I could smell the alcohol a block away!
So I say "Have you been drinking?"
She says "No!"
I say "I can smell it on your breath. I will talk to you tomorrow morning when you have not been drinking." (I repeated that a couple of times, then closed the door in her face.)
Then the next night she comes over twice at like 8 pm, then 10:30 pm. I had to get up early the next day and was royally ticked!
I chewed her out big time the next day, told her to not come over any more. Also told her to not bring her lit cigarettes over as I don't smoke either.
Anyway I am not usually rude or nasty to people, but it was SO EASY to tell her to stay out of my life!
I suppose you will have a similar response if another alcoholic comes along? (There are some benefits to experience.)
A no-brainer, alcohol comes under the heading of Spirits, and I've never like that word alcoholic, better to say your partner had long-term spiritual problems in a country considered to be spiritually bankrupt, and he never stumbled upon a more positive spiritual world. Spirituality and Capitalism just don't mix well together!
I went through 3 relationships with those with serious spiritual problems, and I got a good scare reading about Projection. You might want to look into that before you reach out to find another partner. And that was another scare, going to Al-Anon, and being told that there'd be an 85% chance I'd get re-involved with another person with serious spiritual problems.
Projection: what we dislike in ourselves, that which we repress, we have a tendency to project that onto our partners!
I will never be with another alcoholic. I have turned down recovering ones even with years of sobriety. I don't know what you are implying about projecting onto another partner......
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