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Old 10-24-2014, 12:36 AM
 
1,733 posts, read 2,175,138 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501 View Post
Most of my memories of school are of being bullied, hurt, and having lots of trouble getting along with other people. I stuttered when I was younger, and still do at times. My school mates just thought I was weird, and I did go out of my way to seem unique. Needless to say, I didn't have many friends in K-12. In fact, I felt almost handicapped in this area. People just didn't like me.

Well, I thought things would improve after I became an adult, and they kind of did, but I still had too much trouble connecting with people and was only liked by a few. The good thing, though, is there were more oddballs in college, so I didn't feel completely left out. After I graduated, had too much trouble finding a job, and got routinely insulted by the kids I worked with, cold hard reality set back in. I withdrew a bit more and became a little afraid of meeting and getting to know other people. I doubt my ability to enter into a relationship, friendship or otherwise, and get a good job. I'm so tired of being mocked and condemned. What should I do about this?

I constantly daydream about "winning" socially, of getting the great job, the awesome group of friends, and the reputation and respect I want, but reality is that I don't really know how to get along with most people, at least that's how I feel. I actually want to be my age group's version of "cool," and have people respect and admire me. I still kind of feel like an outcast. Most of my experiences are that of failure.

I'm thinking about maybe talking to my counselor about this, but I'm afraid these concerns will be dismissed as not serious. I keep telling myself that I will make a change, but it seems like I stay in the same old rut. I'm close to thirty and have accomplished less than I could have. I want something to change, but I don't even know what steps to take.
This sounds a *LOT* like me. I was bullied and made fun of as a kid. Things got slightly better in college, but there were still some issues. And I had VERY poor social skills until I got to my 30s. I had a brief period of adulthood social "winning"; I improved my personality and social skills, some - mostly window dressing - I became somewhat of a friendly, funny jokester, and attracted some new friends. I started running with a pack of my new (fake) friends, hanging out and partying for about three years; but I guess I just couldn't keep the façade up forever. I *AM* an oddball. One person in the clique told me, "I don't think I knew you as well as I thought you did." What's more, my personality just does not stand up to a strong, semi-bullying personality, as one of the members of the group was.

The closer I get to 40 (I'm 38), the my growing philosophy becomes stronger: FCVR IT. Who really cares? Yes, I'm an oddball. That's okay. I am going to play the hand life dealt me, and play the HELL out if it. I'm starting to care less and less what people think. People have proven to MOSTLY be full of crap. They are easily led and bandwagon jumpers, they don't do what they say they're going to do, and they ALWAYS have something to say about folks behind their backs. Doesn't matter. I'm going to embrace life, travel, go to movies, exercise, lose weight, read more books, go to concerts and plays, dance, go horseback riding, go to the beach and the mountains. If I have to do these things solo, so be it. The miniscule handful of REAL, TRUE friends I DO have (and I learned over the past few months that it's not many), I'm going to embrace them. And when their season is up in my life - and it seems that friends DO come and go in seasons - I'm going to bid them goodbye, cherish fond memories, and keep it moving.

I, too have dreamed of having the "cool" personality - I know EXACTLY what you mean. But I have come to terms with the fact that that just isn't ME. You can't really change your personality. You have to accept who you are and play the hand you're dealt.

Anyway, this is my philosophy. A lot of this became apparent to me over the past few months.

Last edited by Special_Guest; 10-24-2014 at 12:45 AM..
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:01 AM
 
419 posts, read 840,782 times
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You are meant to do amazing things. You're already making a good difference in this world. Not just the OP. I'm talking to you too. Yes, YOU!
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:05 AM
 
7,492 posts, read 11,802,433 times
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I feel that way too.
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:15 AM
 
Location: NYC
16,061 posts, read 26,692,634 times
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Winning socially is what you make of it!! There are people that may have 20 friends, go out a lot, and not feel anxious when talking to people. For them, that is winning.

There are people that have a few very close friends. They like hanging out in small groups, don't really enjoy socializing at big parties. For them? Success!!

It's just like in school, who are the popular kids? The funny thing is, who makes them popular? Why are they popular? It's all perception!!
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Old 10-24-2014, 07:43 AM
 
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I was very socially awkward, largely due to isolation, an undiagnosed learning disability and parents who were a bit odd themselves.

I went through a very long and painful process to change my life, and it wasn't even deliberate. It was just a survival thing. But there are some things I learned. It turns out a lot of platitudes are quite true.

-Always lead with kindness. Treat people with the compassion and friendliness you are hoping to be shown. But don't EXPECT anything from anyone else. Be kind because it is the right thing to do. How people respond will tell you a lot about them.

-As long as you do the above, you have no reason to care about what anyone else thinks of you. People who treat you poorly or mock you or abuse you are not people you want in your life and they are not people who should take up any space in your head. Which brings me to...

-Don't be afraid to cut toxic people out of your life. You can be kind about it, you can be polite about it - but there's no need to include them in your life unless they are a coworker, and then you can set boundaries quite easily.

-Learn about boundary setting. That actually harks back to my point about not expecting anything from anyone to a certain extent. You should respect the boundaries of others, but also know how to set your own and maintain them kindly and firmly.

-If you're lucky, you'll get a job doing what you love and that you're very good at. But that doesn't always happen. I'm good at my job, but I don't love it. Meh- that's fine. It lets me live the life I want to live. Decide what is important to you, and go after that.

-Be the friend you want to have.

-Be thankful. Look, my personal mantra when stuff gets bad is "At least I'm not in Somalia." We have so much to be grateful for in the developed world. Being thankful just puts you in an optimistic mood and provides an awful lot of perspective.

-Ask questions. Not invasive ones, just general stuff. People will often surprise you with their answers.
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Old 10-24-2014, 08:22 AM
 
Location: Wallingford, CT
1,063 posts, read 1,357,818 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501 View Post
What should I do about this?
Stop caring.

Seriously, it's what the issue is. You care too much, you're trying too hard. No one wants to be friends with someone who tries that hard to be a "friend." You should try to be yourself. Someone should want to be friends with you, not the image of a friend you have in your head. You're not a kid anymore. No one tries that hard.

Find people with mutual interests. Talk about those interests. Stay in your comfort zone. If someone wants to talk about something else let them talk, learn about what they're interested in.

There's no such thing as "winning socially." That's absurd. Do you want companionship, or trophies? There are plenty of games you can play to get the latter. To get the former you just have to stop treating it like a game.
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Old 10-24-2014, 08:34 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
20,705 posts, read 19,880,600 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501 View Post
So far, I like teaching English. Internationals don't seem to mind if you are a little weird, as long as you know your stuff. I just don't have a social life per se.
Well, that is awesome!! You are several steps ahead of me. I could never teach no matter what.

Teaching English means you feel confident in your teaching skills (AWESOME!!) and you don't get THAT insecure around people. So keep focussing on that.

If you like animals, get a dog. One of those who most likely get along with everybody. THen go to the dog park. You can sit around and watch your dog with other people. You can talk but you don't have to. You can make friends there but there is no pressure. Nobody wonders if you just sit around there and say nothing. If you feel comfortable talking, make some comments about the dogs and ask others about their dogs. People love to talk about their animals.

Not sure how you look like but honestly, I would get the basics straight - be clean, take care of your teeth, normal clothes, nice clean haircut, walk straight and don't roam too crazy with the eyes. Look confident even if you aren't. I know that is all superficial stuff, but if somebody walks or looks unusual, people are gonna be cautious around you.
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Old 10-24-2014, 09:21 AM
 
Location: Chicago
3,339 posts, read 5,972,508 times
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I think everyone feels the way you do, OP, at least to some extent. I've never really been very popular but now I have a handful of people in my life that truly value me. You don't need dozens of friends, you just need a few good ones.

I agree with the poster who said the cool people aren't nearly as cool as they seem. Most of the "cool" kids I knew growing up have gone on to do nothing with their lives. I'm certainly not jealous of any of them now.

Do you like gaming at all? My husband is very interested in gaming and played a live action role playing game in college. He made a ton of friends doing that. It gave everyone a common interest to bond over and he's made lifelong friends through that group. I'll admit, I have no idea what they are talking about a lot of the time, but when I am able to break one or two people away and talk about non-game topics they are all such great/nice people. They have never made me feel like an outsider, even though I usually don't know enough about the large conversation to contribute. A lot of the people who play the game are a little socially awkward and they are very accepting as a result. That's just a thought... I know a lot of colleges have LARP gaming groups, but you don't have to go to the college to participate (my husband's friends who graduated several years ago run the game at a large university now).

I would focus on finding an environment that puts you at ease. Whether that is with animals, in an acting role (which I think is what makes the LARPs appealing to many), or teaching or whatever. If you are feeling confident it will make it easier to talk to new people.
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Old 10-24-2014, 01:56 PM
 
Location: London
12,275 posts, read 7,113,068 times
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From the many people I've gotten to know, I honestly think when it comes down to it, most people feel this way often. Speaking for myself, I sure do.

Some people are just 'better' about bluffing. I'm not, unless I really need to.

My odd theory is that this is why the in-your-face 'cool' kids often don't achieve much -- at least on their own. They waste so much energy bluffing that they're too drained to do much else.
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Old 10-24-2014, 03:31 PM
 
13,754 posts, read 13,257,395 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kmb501 View Post
I'm thinking about maybe talking to my counselor about this, but I'm afraid these concerns will be dismissed as not serious.
Talking to a counselor is a great idea. Having one that dismisses your concerns as not serious is not a great idea.
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