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You have a talent to do something, but you might not know what it is yet. Strive to find it. One of my granddaughters is here this weekend, and she was showing me some Youtube videos on her tablet. I was floored! Look up a guy named Jonathan Antoine, who gained fame on Britain's Got Talent. He is obese, has long thick unattractive hair, but is the new up-and-coming opera sensation world-wide. What a voice! Just 19, he is a multi-millionaire and is being groomed as an opera star.
Then there's a lady named Susan Boyle...she has Asperger's. She also was discovered on BGT., at age 47. Go and look at her first audition, if you want a shock. But she's adored world-wide, has had a complete make-over, and is also a multi-millionaire, and is treated with much respect.
So, maybe you can't sing. You don't have to. You can do something. Jonathan has proven that all it takes is a little bit of confidence, and he could shine. Meanwhile, console yourself with the fact that most of the rest of us didn't move any mountains in our youth. Stop worrying about high school and college, popularity, and especially yourself. Concentrate on what you can do to make others happy. We all have to leave our comfort zone at some point - you aren't alone there. Yes, there are some people who are socially sophisticated, and you envy them. But most people are not like that. You are more like the rest of us than the social butterflies are. Look more at what you have in common with most people, not how you are different. You aren't really all that different.
You mentioned you were tormented by bullies as a kid. Were you abused by your parents also and not nurtured and valued by your family? This could be the root cause. Maybe Attachment Disorder? I have no idea. I knew a woman whose parents never held her or hugged her as a child. She was 34 and her parents never ONCE told her "I love you". Her parents were emotional invalids and passed this down to her. She never could keep friends and would sabotage and undermine whatever friends she made briefly.
Do not be afraid you will be " judged" by a therapist. They sign a professional oath never to allow their personal bias to taint their treatment of the patient. Even if their patient was a murderer or pedophile they are bound by professional ethics not to judge or shame the patient.
Sounds like you had multiple trauma your entire life. Being unloved, abused and isolated for so many years exacerbated by our feelings of isolation.
A wonderful treatment of therapy for so called "incurable" and "hopeless" people is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. There are freembooksnon DBT you can check out from the library. It was invented by a tragically tormented woman who spent most of her childhood teenage years and adult life bouncing in and out of mental hospitals. Marhsa Linehans family gave up on her and told her she was a screwup. Even her doctors and therapist gave up on her. She did self harming cutting and many suicide attempts. She tried lots of medication and useless therapies that did not work. Then she got FED UP with so called experts and completed a masters degree in psychology. Marsha Linehan cured herself of severe Borderline Personality Disorder by inventing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
Sometimes the patient is blamed because medication does not work. Some psychiatrists are nuttier than their patients and badly misdiagnose the patient with the wrong condition. There are incompetent mental health workers who do not have the skills to be giving treatment but they are billing insurance and screwing up their patients! On Dr Phil I have seen him interview dozens of people who were misdiagnosed and put on the wrong medication for years.
Most psychiatric disorders are a combination of the physical structure of the brain not properly formed in the womb as a fetus and child abuse and child neglect. So do not blame yourself. It is important to take full responsibility for your life but self shaming and self stigmatizing is so defeating. Have you tried support groups? Also doing yoga, tai chic and meditation definitely helps.
Exercise and healthy food is so important. I was born with clinical depression and all my relatives are bipolar, u bipolar, schizophrenic, alcoholic, you name it. Three suicides in my immediate family. I have three college degrees and tons of skills but have been out of work for six years. My professors told me I am brilliant but straight A grades do not matter if I am unemployed! So I definitely have my issues. Some days are better than others and I just "soldier on".
Hold fast to your center.
Joining NAMI local chapter will help you to break out of isolation. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a million times better than conventional cognitive talk therapy. Conventional cognitive talk therapy does not work with a lot of people and then they feel worthless after years of therapy counseling. It is because it was the wrong treatment modality and the therapist used the wrong technique.
Info not know if you behave in an anti social manner which results in an inability to make friends. I knew a student in my college who said he wanted to be my friend. Two days later I saw him on campus and he was screaming at me in an enraged hussy fit for no reason and unprovoked. The first time I met him he told me he had Aspergers Syndrome. He was a brilliant student but could not socialize well with people due to temper tantrums.
I have no idea what is going on with you but strongly encourage you to bond long term with a good therapist you really trust. I know for abuse survivors who were abused in childhood and never bonded wwith parents emotionally that being able to bond on a long term basis with a trusted therapist is incredibly important.
I highly recommend you contact your local chapter of NAMI. National Alliance for Mental Illness. NAMI is not run by psychiatrists orntherpists. I like NAMI because it is run by consumers of mental health services and their families and loved one. If you are broke and live on disability benefits meetings are free and you can join for $3.00 a year.
I would like to share more than I'm sharing right now, but even the internet isn't anonymous enough for some secrets. I was never really physically abused by my mom, but maybe I was put through some emotional trauma. Looking back, it seems like she was hardly ever emotionally available to me, except through church. She would read and study the Bible with me, but I mostly remember her being pretty out of touch with me, and me likewise with her. I was a stubborn independent girl who hated many of the things my mom was into. She often put simple obligations on me that she hadn't trained me to do, then she would blame me when the tasks weren't completed correctly. She also had no idea what I was going through at school. She was a Baby Boomer, so I guess her generation didn't have to deal with the kinds of bullying that the Gen Y/ Pre-Millennials faced.
I did mention it, but I think it's been taken as frustration with my current situation, not really a perceived inability. I've been given a few suggestions, like, "go to places in the community where you feel comfortable and start a conversation," "look for job opportunities where you can deal with foreign kids and / or adults," "stop worrying about what everyone else thinks," and "get out and try new things." Maybe what I say in counseling, though, and what I mean don't translate that well. I'm better at communicating my feelings in writing, because I have more time to think. Sometimes, I find myself just a tad uncomfortable in front of the counselor, and I just want to get the session over with.
Also, currently I'm seeking services through something that offers free services to college students. I don't think I could afford a counselor outside of this right now. Also, I did get tested for Asperger's, but I'm still waiting on the results.
I'm working with mostly adults, and it's going great. I've even been offered to come back as a full teacher, but it's a volunteer position. I'm grateful for the experience nonetheless.
When you first saw him, what did you tell him you were there for? IMO this is more of you not knowing how to ask for what you need and being too passive and not proactive. You needed to walk into this man's office and when he said "what kind of help are you here for" you should have said "I have trouble relating to people, understanding social cues, speaking up and being assertive and communicating to people. I am studying to be a teacher but have discovered my poor ability to relate to the students is making me unemployable as well as unhappy. Sometimes I suspect I have Asperger's. Can you help me with this?"
If he can't get a new counselor, preferably one who can be a life coach of sorts. I would also (and I think I suggested this is another of your threads) have a consult with a speech/language therapist, they specialize in social communication and could also assess you for an autism spectrum disorder.
All I know is you've been posting here for a very long time and don't seem to be really willing to get out of your comfort zone and go all out trying to fix your life, but rather hoping just getting teaching tips and fashion advice is going to do it, it's not. I may sound harsh, I hope not, but this is it, the one life you are going to get. Jump off the cliff and put yourself out there and ask for help, or be here posting about the same issues 5 years from now. Your choice.
I was sort of taught to see a relationship with God and a relationship with people as two very different things. The main theme I'm used to hearing in the churches around here is, "you will be hated by all people for God's name." I think what I'm hearing and what they mean are different things, but I haven't had enough nerve to point out anything or ask questions. They went to school to teach it, after all. The main point, though, is a relationship with mankind, of getting along well with your fellow man, is not heavily emphasized. In fact, it almost seems like some of the people have adopted this callousness toward other people. I may just be imagining things, though. I don't know. We're kind people out of duty, but we don't have a very high opinion of those who are struggling; that's the society I live in, for the most part.
Not sure if God will 'dislike' you. I was always taught that God loved everybody: 'Love the sinner, hate the sin.'
But that's off the main point, and many of the ideas in that post are worth consideration.
I know, but I find the idea easier with people to help me. I can't break this negative cycle of thinking by myself, and I have trouble staying focused and following through on a plan. Plus, I just have more confidence when I have one or two people on my side backing me up. I may feel like presenting a plan as my idea alone will seem foolish, but it will seem less foolish if I have a few people who think it is a good idea, too, helping me present it. I guess it kind of goes back to when I was a child and had trouble talking and being understood. I'm not sure if I ever grew out of that mindset.
See, if I had someone to help me keep focused I think I could:
BUT....you don't. So.....you need to brush yourself off and count on yourself. Maybe somehow it will all come together and voila, you will suddenly have people backing you.
I keep seeing that so many people have given you advice and suggestions. You keep coming back to.... If I had someone, I can't...., but...
You have to want to change. You have to want to change your mindset.
Some of us have really lousy pasts. You can't change the past, you can change how it effects you.
Grant it my son had a pretty good upbringing (I give myself and my family a pat on the back!). He had a stroke when he was five. He recovered a lot, but has always had speech problems, people think he is stuttering, but he is not...he has word retrieval problems. Amazingly, he could care less. He talks to anybody, does everything. He has amazing confidence despite his inability to get out a sentence at times (he is 25 now). He doesn't have the words, "I can't" in his vocabulary. You can decide that too. You should take the word "but" out of your vocabulary too!
All the therapy in the world won't help you, unless you want to be helped.
Most of my memories of school are of being bullied, hurt, and having lots of trouble getting along with other people. I stuttered when I was younger, and still do at times. My school mates just thought I was weird, and I did go out of my way to seem unique. Needless to say, I didn't have many friends in K-12. In fact, I felt almost handicapped in this area. People just didn't like me.
Well, I thought things would improve after I became an adult, and they kind of did, but I still had too much trouble connecting with people and was only liked by a few. The good thing, though, is there were more oddballs in college, so I didn't feel completely left out. After I graduated, had too much trouble finding a job, and got routinely insulted by the kids I worked with, cold hard reality set back in. I withdrew a bit more and became a little afraid of meeting and getting to know other people. I doubt my ability to enter into a relationship, friendship or otherwise, and get a good job. I'm so tired of being mocked and condemned. What should I do about this?
I constantly daydream about "winning" socially, of getting the great job, the awesome group of friends, and the reputation and respect I want, but reality is that I don't really know how to get along with most people, at least that's how I feel. I actually want to be my age group's version of "cool," and have people respect and admire me. I still kind of feel like an outcast. Most of my experiences are that of failure.
I'm thinking about maybe talking to my counselor about this, but I'm afraid these concerns will be dismissed as not serious. I keep telling myself that I will make a change, but it seems like I stay in the same old rut. I'm close to thirty and have accomplished less than I could have. I want something to change, but I don't even know what steps to take.
I don't fit in either. I don't really want to. There are too many fat people with their alcohol and cigarettes and their dogs. They have dogs everywhere and they just mistreat them, sometimes they mistreat the children just like they mistreat the dogs. And they go to church and if you don't go to their church they hate you. People are nosey and they just think they are better than you when their lives suck worse and they don't know what responsibility is. How could they?! They probably can't spell it!
Wow, I think I have seen more compassion and good advice here in this thread than in any others I've come upon in a long time. If I may make a suggestion, can you print out the replies and keep them close to you. Refer to them often and really, really consider what others have offered to you. Don't just say "Yeah, but". Take one suggestion at a time and really try to use the advice in your daily life. If you just take one idea and give it your best, one day at a time, I think you will see some surprising results. If you can write about it, just for your own self, it will be all the more real and effective.
You say you can't focus very well. If you feel that your mind jumps around from thing to thing in a sort of stream-of-consciousness kind of way, you may be ADD. I say this because I recognize it as one of my own struggles with ADD. You may find it helpful to join an online ADD group. I'm not trying to diagnose you, just consider that you may have this tendency. I hate how it's called a disorder. That just makes it seem more like there's something 'wrong' with you. For me, when I read an article about it in my newspaper about 25 years ago, it was a lightbulb moment. I felt so validated, so I brought it up to my therapist at the time who was a psychiatrist. At first she said she didn't see it in me, because I was usually pretty focused in sessions. But I think that was because there's really not much to distract you in that environment, and one thing ADD people can do is hyper-focus. Luckily, she agreed to test me and sure enough, testing indicated that yes, I was ADD. Anyway, long story short, there are lots of things you can do to help yourself, one of them being to try to develop routines to keep order in your life.
I really hope you find help through the posts on this thread. A lot of people have shown that they care and you don't see that often enough. You have been blessed. Accept it as a beautiful and valuable gift.
Wow, I think I have seen more compassion and good advice here in this thread than in any others I've come upon in a long time. If I may make a suggestion, can you print out the replies and keep them close to you. Refer to them often and really, really consider what others have offered to you. Don't just say "Yeah, but". Take one suggestion at a time and really try to use the advice in your daily life. If you just take one idea and give it your best, one day at a time, I think you will see some surprising results. If you can write about it, just for your own self, it will be all the more real and effective.
You say you can't focus very well. If you feel that your mind jumps around from thing to thing in a sort of stream-of-consciousness kind of way, you may be ADD. I say this because I recognize it as one of my own struggles with ADD. You may find it helpful to join an online ADD group. I'm not trying to diagnose you, just consider that you may have this tendency. I hate how it's called a disorder. That just makes it seem more like there's something 'wrong' with you. For me, when I read an article about it in my newspaper about 25 years ago, it was a lightbulb moment. I felt so validated, so I brought it up to my therapist at the time who was a psychiatrist. At first she said she didn't see it in me, because I was usually pretty focused in sessions. But I think that was because there's really not much to distract you in that environment, and one thing ADD people can do is hyper-focus. Luckily, she agreed to test me and sure enough, testing indicated that yes, I was ADD. Anyway, long story short, there are lots of things you can do to help yourself, one of them being to try to develop routines to keep order in your life.
I really hope you find help through the posts on this thread. A lot of people have shown that they care and you don't see that often enough. You have been blessed. Accept it as a beautiful and valuable gift.
Thank you all for giving me advice. I've gotten tested for ADD, but, again, I haven't gotten the results.
I'm thinking about maybe talking to my counselor about this, but I'm afraid these concerns will be dismissed as not serious.
A good counselor would never dismiss your concerns as "not serious". If they're good, they'll listen and try to give you some advice and encouragement.
You might be surprised to find that there are a lot of people with the same problem. It would be nice if there were social events where they could all get together.
One way to fix it is to stop trying to make yourself "fit in" and just find a group of people that you fit in naturally with, or at least a group of people that accept you as you are. Perhaps through some hobby or club with people of similar interests. Maybe the counselor could give you some advice on where to look?
So far, I like teaching English. Internationals don't seem to mind if you are a little weird, as long as you know your stuff. I just don't have a social life per se.
Internationals don't have the same cultural background as your fellow Americans, so their idea of "a little weird" is different than yours. In fact, some of them might think you're more "normal" than other Americans.
Maybe you should find out where other foreigners hang out? I was a member of the International Students Association in college, and I hung out with people from many different countries. It was pretty cool. I made a lot of friends, and learned a lot about other cultures. Perhaps you could get involved in something like that?
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