Hoovering (parent, feelings, toxic, people)

[john3232]

There is an AA member that I have known for a good ten years. We’ve been friendly but not particularly close. He’s been in the program for over 25 years and speaks with authority at meetings. From time to time after the meeting we have gone out for coffee in a group. However, I find him way too intense and someone I prefer not to socialize with.

Two years ago he started working with me a twice a week. I was friendly during the breaks/lunch time but after awhile I backed away which was fine since he was chatting with other co-workers.

Unfortunately, he started to alienate others in the office and they too began avoiding the man. At which point he started popping up wherever I was with a big smile on his face in an effort to get me to chat.

I've been polite yet tried making it clear I don’t want to sit down and chat (I just say hi and keep walking.) However, the guy just keeps trying. If I say anything other than a few words he takes it a sign we're all buddy-buddy and steps up his efforts to get me to talk more.

Anyone have experience dealing with toxic people that hoover? If so, how did you get them to stop? Should I just tell him? It should be readily apparent I don't want to talk with him but I'm guessing the guy is either oblivious and doesn't care.

Hoovering:
When Toxic People Start Hoovering – A Blog About Toxic and Non-Toxic People
http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/w...#axzz3HsE8SIjO

[Billy_J]

He sounds lonely. It would be better if you could "redirect" him to something which will solve the problem long term and not hurt any feelings.

Is there a job there answering the phone? A job there dealing with (and talking with) the public/customers?

If yes, try to get him to switch to one of those jobs. Then he will be paid to talk to people!

Or get him to switch to another place of work where he can talk to his hearts content. Explain that you need to do your work and he is going to get you fired if he keeps talking with you during working hours, etc.

[john3232]

Thanks.

I think I'm going to try to follow the advice from the *website and not allow myself to be sucked into his drama or be a social buffer for the man.

I realize we're in a support group together outside of work and have been acquainted with each other for years. However, this is a work environment. If I don't want to socialize with him during breaks or at lunch that's my prerogative and should be respected. Our job deals with people all day and I often prefer the downtime.

You're right the man is lonely but he doesn't seem to understand how to socialize. He tends to lecture co-workers like he does in AA meetings (but without the status his lengthy sobriety provides) and many find this quite annoying.



*http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/w...#axzz3HsE8SIjO