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Old 11-29-2014, 06:19 PM
 
989 posts, read 1,388,394 times
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There's one in every family, I have a mentally ill brother who has never received treatment because he is in denial that he needs help. He's good looking, a pathological liar, strong physically, and 53. As a teenager he beat the **** out of me, broke my nose, cracked my skull, strangled me...but no one believed me, as he denied it all...and yes there were strangle marks and bloody noses.

He has been in trouble before, domestic violence with a GF, etc. On Thanksgiving day apparently he got into a confrontation with a 70 something woman at my father's nursing home and shoved her, there were witnesses, police were called the woman did not file charges...but she still could.

The confrontation was that she uses the bathroom in my father's room, her husband is my father's roommate. I imagine she didn't file charges because she likes my mother and father.

Now my mother is scared for her own safety as she should be. I suggested that she tell him to contact a criminal attorney, and let him give my brother the truth...he's a mentally ill ******* that needs therapy, and may likely end up in prison, where he may be beaten to a pulp.

No one can make him go to therapy, but one can suggest he may get a lighter sentence if it appears he's in therapy "if" he is charged.

He is spoiled, has always been handled with kid gloves, but now my mother is finally getting it...he could harm or kill her in one of his bouts of anger.

I live out of state, that was to get a way from this dis-functional situation. I'm torn what to do.

I am happy to be the whistle blower, and call the police to express my mother's fears. Of course, she doesn't want to see him arrested...

I don't know what the police could even do, and it could escalate things.

Nothing may happen, but I would never forgive myself if he killed her and I sat by sweeping his behavior under the carpet as my parents have for years, they just hoped he would outgrow his sickness.

Help? Suggestions?

My mother has pulled in the outside hidden key at her house, that tells me she is legitimately scared.
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Old 11-29-2014, 06:54 PM
 
4,761 posts, read 13,429,253 times
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She should talk to her family doctor about this. Here is a bit on that...

The question your doctor may start asking - CNN.com
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Old 11-29-2014, 06:59 PM
 
989 posts, read 1,388,394 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy_J View Post
She should talk to her family doctor about this. Here is a bit on that...

The question your doctor may start asking - CNN.com
What is her DR. going to do? She and my father have talked to my brother's doctors when he was a child, clergymen in their church with him present and not present, etc. He will charm his way out of any therapy.
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Old 11-29-2014, 07:54 PM
 
4,884 posts, read 5,772,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gray horse View Post
Now my mother is scared for her own safety as she should be. I suggested that she tell him to contact a criminal attorney, and let him give my brother the truth...he's a mentally ill ******* that needs therapy, and may likely end up in prison, where he may be beaten to a pulp.

He is spoiled, has always been handled with kid gloves, but now my mother is finally getting it...he could harm or kill her in one of his bouts of anger.

I am happy to be the whistle blower, and call the police to express my mother's fears. Of course, she doesn't want to see him arrested...
I don't know what the police could even do, and it could escalate things.

Nothing may happen, but I would never forgive myself if he killed her and I sat by sweeping his behavior under the carpet as my parents have for years, they just hoped he would outgrow his sickness.

Help? Suggestions?
Since you live in another state, I'm not sure what you can do legally. Even if you call the police (in
the town/city where your mother lives) and explain, I don't know what they could do other than
suggest your mother file an Order of Protection. However, it doesn't seem (from what you
said) that she would since he has been enabled for most of his life.
You could also contact Elder Abuse in your state if your brother is abusing her but that can open
up another can of worms if they investigate.

Last edited by baileyvpotter; 11-29-2014 at 07:55 PM.. Reason: edit
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Old 11-29-2014, 07:58 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
96,788 posts, read 94,653,174 times
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Why didn't your mom do something about your brother when he was growing up? Where did she think your skull fracture, bruises and bloody noses came from? Someone should have called Child Protective Services on your behalf. This is a nightmare! And the chickens are now coming home to roost, for your mom. I guess she no longer thinks he's so innocent and charming? She owes you a huge apology, IMO.
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Old 11-29-2014, 08:01 PM
 
989 posts, read 1,388,394 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baileyvpotter View Post
Since you live in another state, I'm not sure what you can do legally. Even if you call the police (in
the town/city where your mother lives) and explain, I don't know what they could do other than
suggest your mother file an Order of Protection. However, it doesn't seem (from what you
said) that she would since he has been enabled for most of his life.
You could also contact Elder Abuse in your state if your brother is abusing her but that can open
up another can of worms if they investigate.
Thank you, I just called the sheriff dept. got the case # and badge # and will be talking to the officer involved next Tuesday when he is back in, which seems like a long time to wait so I may call Monday and talk to someone in the upper ranks.
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Old 11-29-2014, 08:06 PM
 
989 posts, read 1,388,394 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Why didn't your mom do something about your brother when he was growing up? Where did she think your skull fracture, bruises and bloody noses came from? Someone should have called Child Protective Services on your behalf. This is a nightmare! And the chickens are now coming home to roost, for your mom. I guess she no longer thinks he's so innocent and charming? She owes you a huge apology, IMO.
It is a nightmare which I still have nightmares about, 40+ years later.

It would be great to get a heartfelt apology, just a "sorry we didn't protect you". I think that is very difficult for a parent to admit and say that when they realize their child was abused by one of their other children right under their own roof.

But that's another thread for another day, today I need to focus on how I can put a stop to my brother's behavior.

Last edited by gray horse; 11-29-2014 at 08:38 PM..
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Old 11-29-2014, 09:05 PM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,232 posts, read 15,515,755 times
Reputation: 25982
[quote=gray horse;37458745]

he's a mentally ill ******* quote] I was glad to read this, Gray, because I had already thought the very same thing by then. I wanted to say that his illness is NOT a pass to be an -------. He may be in denial but you can bet that he knows he isn't normal, and he has spent a lifetime choosing to not deal with it. Self-centered, and he's taken no responsibility at all. Your parents realized their mistakes too late, and they think he "might" still outgrow it at 53???

It's too bad that the woman he shoved did not press charges. I have a hunch she isn't the only one that had an opportunity to press charges. He hurts people and NEEDS to get locked up in the slammer. The world doesn't need him running loose.

I am glad that you decided to contact the sheriff's department to talk to someone. That was going to be my suggestion. Hopefully they may even have something helpful to suggest. It is a matter of time before they end up arresting your brother, anyway, so the background you give them won't hurt.

Blessings! Good luck.
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Old 11-29-2014, 09:07 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 11,040,505 times
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You could speak to the nursing home and have them file a restraining order against your brother to keep him off the premises. Your father and other residents would at least be safe from him and your mother could visit in peace.

More problematic is filing a restraining order / order of protection against hm to keep him away from your mother. Since he hasn't overtly done anything to her she may have a very difficult time getting one.
She would have to document abuse against her by your brother.

Tough situation.
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Old 11-29-2014, 09:21 PM
 
989 posts, read 1,388,394 times
Reputation: 1598
[quote=Bluesmama;37460136]
Quote:
Originally Posted by gray horse View Post

he's a mentally ill ******* quote] I was glad to read this, Gray, because I had already thought the very same thing by then. I wanted to say that his illness is NOT a pass to be an -------. He may be in denial but you can bet that he knows he isn't normal, and he has spent a lifetime choosing to not deal with it. Self-centered, and he's taken no responsibility at all. Your parents realized their mistakes too late, and they think he "might" still outgrow it at 53???

It's too bad that the woman he shoved did not press charges. I have a hunch she isn't the only one that had an opportunity to press charges. He hurts people and NEEDS to get locked up in the slammer. The world doesn't need him running loose.

I am glad that you decided to contact the sheriff's department to talk to someone. That was going to be my suggestion. Hopefully they may even have something helpful to suggest. It is a matter of time before they end up arresting your brother, anyway, so the background you give them won't hurt.

Blessings! Good luck.
Thanks Blues,

He beat a girlfriend before and was arrested, not sure what the discipline was but I'm sure at least a fine. My recall was that he said the GF lied to the cops, and she instigated it...ugh. I will have the sheriff department look that up.

My guess is he may have charges filed against him Monday. I told my mother just to tell him it's HIS problem, he needs to find his own attorney and make his own bail...she agreed, saying she is done. I also encouraged her to change her alarm code. Sad situation to have to discuss with your 80 year old mother.

Last edited by gray horse; 11-29-2014 at 10:21 PM..
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