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I am child free by choice and have never felt a shred of regret or other confusions.
I also am not an alcoholic or drug addict, and have worked on a detox in the past. When the thought would cross my mind about the addicted person "Why don't you just stop that", I catch myself and realize that something happens for that person that I obviously don't internally understand myself, but we are different people and they have a genuine problem that I don't happen to share.
That's how I feel about people who are miserable about infertility. I certainly don't internally understand it, but I do understand that something very difficult happens for another person where I don't happen to have the same experience. You don't have to *feel* the same way to feel empathy for another person. At least I hope not, because it would make life a lot more cold and make it a lot harder to be helpful in so many ways.
I have friends who were unable to conceive but in all cases, they waited until their 40s to try (or didn't marry until then) and I think it wasn't that big a deal to them (career women).
Another friend seemed unable to conceive and then had a healthy baby through IVF. Surprise, after some five years of happy intense parenting, she had a spontaneous pregnancy and had an autistic boy. I always wondered if the IVF treatments/pregnancy shook up her hormones and sort of set a reset button or something.
One theme that I see over and over here is the notion that women's bodies were "supposed" to birth children. That is not the only purpose of being a woman - and is something that I find really offensive.
To the OP, I don't understand why you created this thread. Infertility is no more difficult to understand than someone who will never reach whatever goal they dreamed of attaining. You will never understand it on an emotional level - but surely you can relate on an intellectual level right?
Well to be honest, women ARE designed to birth children. I mean, you know that right?
But it is certainly not the only purpose....and I didn't really read where anyone here stated that. Maybe I missed that post thought.
It is crushing to get a diagnosis of infertility and learn you will never ever have children nor have grandchildren. I could give you 100 reasons but I'll spare you that. Christmas is always hard for me
I like to think that I'm an empathetic person, but I hear about people who are miserable in their lives because they can't have children, and I just don't get it.
And I feel that I should, and I WANT to understand. I always was horrified by the idea of not having children when I was young - it seemed like the worst thing that could happen to a person. But as I became an adult, I just really didn't see it as that big of a deal. (I should also add that a significant percentage of the people I know who have had the longest-lasting and most devoted marriages are also childless, so go figure.)
I'm not married and I don't have children at 38, so it seems unlikely either will happen for me. And it's not something that really bothers me. In fact, I'm pretty happy with the status quo. I mean, I LOVE kids. I get along with them, and they like me quite a bit. But I have a lot of other cool things going on in my life, including many loved ones, and there's a certain freedom that I really enjoy.
I'm just asking for a perspective because I often hear stories about marriages falling apart because of infertility and people who become distraught when their friends get pregnant simply because they themselves haven't been able to conceive. I hear about women wreaking havoc on their health and savings for the sake of fertility treatments, and I hear about people who won't date people they otherwise like because they must have children but the other person is sterile. It just seems like choosing unhappiness.
Not to be flippant, but from my perspective, yeah, kids are great, but if you like them so much and not having them makes you miserable, either adopt or start volunteering for charities that serve children, like Big Brother/Big Sister. Invest some time in the children of your friends and family. And keep in mind that children often can bring as much grief as joy. But there are people who aren't content with those other solutions, and I just cannot understand it.
Ironically, I am the product of artificial insemination. Still, reproducing, in my view, has always been a possibility, but never an imperative.
What of them? So what? No difference. Just because women bear children, it does not make those that are infertile, any less capable or worthy a person. And THAT fact does not lessen the wonderfulness of having or raising a child. How absurd to find such a thing offensive. Just because YOU don't think there is anything inherently special in having a child, does not make it so.
Yes but....if a woman cannot have children, was her particular body "designed" to have babies? Or are you saying that there is a flaw in the design?
Jesus H.
Eyes are "designed" to see. But some people are blind. So is it an awful thing to enjoy the beauty that surrounds us?? Would you fault those that can see because of those that can't?? You are totally off the road.
I am a parent who says my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. She's probably the reason I exist in the grand scheme of things, since I can't think of any other area where I've really made a contribution to the betterment of the world, lol.
My mother was an unhappy parent, so I get what you are saying, but in my case, my daughter brought me more happiness than I ever imagined. I waited for the time to come when she would turn into a bitchy pre-teen, and it never happened. I waited for her to become a rebellious, snotty teenager, and it never happened.
Do you know what my daughter gave me as part of my Mother's Day gift this past year? A small tin containing slips of paper that I am supposed to take out and read at random.
Here's what some of them say:
"Thank you for teaching me to be myself. 'To thine own self be true'. "(I quoted that to her from when she was a tiny girl, and she remembered.)
"I really hope that you have the chance to finish your book, and that it will be successful."
"I take your advice to heart and seek your guidance because I trust your judgment completely."
"I am glad that I am an only child so I don't have to share you with anyone."
"Not a day goes by that I am not thankful you got out of the towers unscathed on 9/11."
I miss her. She lives 8000 miles away, on the other side of the planet, but that's how I raised her--to go forth and take the risks and grab onto the opportunities and live her life to the fullest.
And maybe this is why I feel for people who are grieving because they cannot have a child.
I feel bad for them too, but honestly, I think the same bond exists for those that adopt. I know so many parents of adopted kids and those kids are loved and treasured every bit as much as I treasure my son.
And I would add, my sister has a son that has brought her so much frustration and so much difficulty, and has probably cost her her marriage as a by-product of all the issues, but even with all that, if she had it to do over, she would have him again. It's a hard thing to describe, motherly love, and I know you know that.
I think when people struggle to have empathy over an issue (infertility is immensely painful), they are often blocking their own pain over the same issue. They can't put themselves in the other persons shoes because they would have to face their own feelings, which they are strongly avoiding.
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