Wife Gets So CRAZY "Panic-Like" In Her Driving, Can't Take It (counselor, woman)

[shyguylh]

Mod cut.

I am married, and I do love my wife. I really do love her. When we are alone and things are going well, I am very happy that I married her and I have absolutely no interest in anyone else, other than how if I see an attractive woman naturally she catches my eye, but I have never cheated and I can't image I would, and when my wife and I are "together" if you know what I mean one of the thoughts which enters my head is "see how good you have it, you're being a very good person now, this is how it should be, don't even look at another woman much less fantasize about her" etc. I feel good for doing the honorable thing, and I feel happy being with her besides.

The trouble is that, when it's bad, it's bad, and it's the sort of thing that I'm finding intolerable to the point that there are times where, if I were to come into $2 million, my response at such times would be to give her $1 million, I take $1 million, figure out who gets the children, and then I'm gone. At such times, it really is that awful for me.

The main thing, and it's not the only thing, but the main thing is that, when she drives, she can be so panic-prone, so "high strung," and you CANNOT get her to calm down for ANYTHING. Now, granted, I can be temperamental, but it's only every now and then if, say, I'm stuck behind someone going 10-15 mph below the speed limit and I can't get around them, or I become snarled in a wreck on the Interstate (thankfully, I tend to watch Google Maps as a "co-pilot" when she drives and we typically avoid those). It's over and done, in a flash, and it's something you'd hardly encounter on a daily basis with me. Most times, I actually drive very sane and smoothly.

In her case, it's a daily thing, and at times it bothers me so much, I fear it may even be contributing to stress I feel that could even be affecting my health. I say this in terms of that people are always saying "learn to relax, you'll live longer." Well at that rate, she's driving me to an early grave.

The main thing is she will SLAM and I mean SLAM on the brakes at the slightest sight of ANYTHING, things which, when I'm driving, I just keep on going or, at most, I may simply lay off the accelerator for a bit, and everything works fine. When turning into our home, she will wait until she's almost there and then have to slow down suddenly, practically sending your head through the windshield. Last night, when I drove, I actually started slowing down nearly an entire mile in advance of it so that it would be a SMOOTH and gentle maneuver with turning into the driveway. It was SO much less stressful and SO much less "high strung." Understand--the road we live on is agreeable to this, it's not like we're in the city and I'm holding up a line of traffic, because that is something I'd never do, because again if it were me stuck behind a person driving at the pace of a snail, I'd be upset. There is no such thing going on.

That's my point, really--since there is no such thing going on, I'm like "calm down, it's not going to make that much difference time-wise and there's not a 'parade' of people honking their horns at us from us holding up traffic, so CALM DOWN."

You might as well be saying it to the wall for all the good it does. She either simply doesn't care that it bothers me or it doesn't "register" with her, or she's so overwhelmed with panic that it supersedes it. I can't tell which.

She also, if we're leaving a place and heading home or the like, she will panic if I don't have the directions ready IMMEDIATELY. Understand--as the "co-pilot," I'll pull out my phone and get directions, and I'm very literate in my usage of the phone and the directions it gives tend to be really good. It only takes a minute, or even say 15-20 seconds, to come up with those. Also, on the roads we're driving, it's not like, say, missing a turn on a busy freeway in a large city to where one missed turn could cost you 25-30 minutes of looping all over the place, at worst it might cause you to have to do a U-turn and go back, and it might cost you 30-odd seconds, at WORST.

I will tell her "I'm getting the directions, just HOLD ON a bit." It doesn't matter. She'll zoom up to the stop sign and then flip out "WHICH WAY! WHICH WAY! WHICH WAY!" and then I end up screaming "CALM DOWN!!! I TOLD YOU I'M GETTING IT!!!" Also, if she sees a cop, she'll flip out, and I mean FLIP, going "what's the speed limit, I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW, I don't want to go to jail!" She has NEVER gone to jail, ONCE, EVER. She is totally clean to drive, tags are current, insurance is paid, all of it. She has gotten a speeding ticket or so (big surprise), they were paid off on time, no issues. Yet, every time she sees a cop, she FLIPS.

Here's the thing--one time she did the thing I described with losing it if I don't have the directions quickly enough, and I became so furious I turned the phone off and told her "you figure it out yourself, go ahead and drive 20 miles the wrong way not knowing because you can't wait 15-freaking seconds for directions, you're so intent on doing it." I'm starting to get to where I do such things now, because I am simply "burned out" from her doing this all the time and I just can't take it anymore. I want it to STOP, or frankly, I just might leave her, and have told her so. It is really bothering me and distressing me that terribly dealing with this all the time.

And no, my driving instead doesn't help, because she will still do it, trying to be a "back seat" driver, you cannot get her to simply be quiet and trust that I know what I'm doing (I've never wrecked nor, since getting GPS, become seriously lost, ever, and I do drive the speed limit or even a bit faster). One time, years ago, she was so annoying about it, and I gently and I do mean GENTLY told her "honey, I got it, just relax." She kept right on, would NOT stop, and I slammed on the brakes myself and actually threw her out of the car and left her on the street. I went back for her a few minutes later, she reluctantly got in the car and it was awkward, but she kept her dang mouth shut. So be it, if you ask me, if that's what it takes to get you to shut up, then so be it. I can understand someone finding my comment and behavior deplorable--so be it, but I'd had enough. Why can't the woman LISTEN and at least acknowledge that she gets a bit carried away sometimes?

Yesterday, history somewhat repeated itself. She was driving, all was fine with us. We were coming up on a road where you merge into traffic, at a stop I do so all the time by myself with no "drama," as do others whom I ride with on occasion, it's not that bad of an interaction. She ZOOMED up there REAL fast vs approaching it with any sense of caution and, true to form, SLAMMED on the brakes and just about sent my head through the windshield when a car emerged. I'd had it. I actually got out of the car and started walking, and turned my phone off and refused to take her phone calls, to the point that she didn't return for me and I got a ride with someone else. Later that night, when we reconnected, I drove, it was stone-silent in the car because she was still mad at me, but she kept her mouth shut and let me drive how I darned well FELT like it, which was at or just above the speed limit, but it was otherwise SO MUCH CALMER, it was SO MUCH BETTER, with none of that "drama" and that high-strung stuff going on that just drives me crazy. I just, well, drove, and it was QUIET, no stress, no freaking out, and again, I slowed down probably 0.5 or 0.8 of a mile in advance of turning into our driveway, no one stuck behind us honking the horn, and just EASY-like and GENTLY turned into our driveway. It was SO MUCH better.

But I promise you, even if I keep on driving, eventually she'll be griping again. She ALWAYS returns to it, and does NOT stop until you become super-ugly with her. She simply DOES NOT LISTEN when you NICELY try and get her to relax a little. It's like talking to a lamp-post. By the way, sometimes she'll drive her parents' car with them there, and they do the same thing, feeling compelled to constantly tell her, even if the tone of voice is a bit nicer, "you need to calm down." Her father, especially, well eventually become exasperated with her and go "what's your problem? Do you have a mental condition or something?" Often-times the father will even become stern and say "pull over and let me drive, I swear you don't have any sense."

My question is this--is there a mental condition some people have which makes them that way? I'm starting to wonder, because most people, even if they drive "high strung," you can calmly talk to them and they'll calm down. She won't, not until you get to the point that you throw the mother of all fits about it, VERY UGLY fits as I've described--THEN she will calm down, but with a huge amount of resentment and with the "silent treatment" following. Later, as she warms back up, she'll gradually start driving the exact same way all over again. The cycle repeats. You'll bite your lip, telling yourself that, after all, she's never wrecked (she actually has in fact never wrecked) and it's sure better than riding with someone who goes 45 in a 60 and takes all day and gets on your case if you dare drive a decent speed yourself, and after all you're not perfect and we're supposed to accept each other's faults and not expect our spouse to be perfect. And hey, she accepts yours.

But then, the stress of it starts to accumulate, you will tell her GENTLY and I do mean GENTLY "honey, you need to calm down a little, besides everything's okay," but she keeps on, it gets on you nerves, and we're right back here again.

I want to break this cycle. This is not healthy, and I know it. (We see a counselor every week, and surprisingly this hasn't been brought up, but you can bet it will be next week.) I don't want to be a class A jerk that thinks he's perfect (I know I'm not) and expects his spouse to be, I know I am to be tolerate of some quirks and imperfections and she surely is tolerant of some of mine, but this one is just awful. It needs to change.

I want you to understand this--I WANT TO BREAK THIS cycle. The thing is, though, I have no interest in tolerating this for the rest of my life either, regardless of the "for better or for worse" vows. It's just too much. It has GOT to change. If that means me always driving and her simply keeping quiet, but without having to be shouted at and her becoming resentful, in that she simply relaxes because she's not the one having to deal with the choices which come with driving, that's fine. If that means that the few times she does drive me I simply accept her being a bit panic-prone and taking over quickly before it becomes too bad, that's okay as well--but again, she then needs to keep quiet and not aggravate me as I'm driving. Simply enough, the drama needs to stop. I need QUIET.

Your turn.

[NCviaMD]

Mod cut: reference to a comment which has been deleted.

[Is]it just while driving she acts like this? Sounds like a feeling of being out of control of the situation. I was going to suggest a therapist but see that you said y'all already go to one.

[Billy_J]

Yes DO bring this up in counseling. If anything can be done to "break the cycle", it will happen in that environment.

Other than that, she needs to want to change - you can't force her to do something she does not want to do. And it sounds like she is the way she is and intends to stay that way? (Counseling may help in this regard.)

What you can do is drive the car from now on - or refuse to go. Also perhaps you can drive one car and she can drive a separate car - then end of problem! Throw that idea out in counseling as well. Best to discuss various options, then you both decide which is the best. (Or at least that is what other people would do.)

Another thing which may help would be to "plan ahead". Get the directions on the cell phone BEFORE getting into the car. Refuse to get into the car until those directions are displayed on the phone. (I print out a map/directions before going somewhere new.)

[shyguylh]

Originally Posted by NCviaMD

[Snip.] [Is] it just while driving she acts like this? Sounds like a feeling of being out of control of the situation. I was going to suggest a therapist but see that you said y'all already go to one.

Mostly. Around the house, most-times, it's fine. In a public place, she's fine. On the road, it's awful, and it's pretty much everytime she drives and the roads have more than 1 person within a mile of her not going the speed of Kyle Busch.

One thing I forgot to mention that may be relevant--growing up, her mother got in quite a few wrecks. Now, granted, I know that childhood events can sometimes affect our thinking in our current life. That being said, I can't take her being SO much this way seemingly ALL the time that the roads are anything other than clear of all traffic or involving only people going fast and with no pressing merge-into-traffic type of needs. Also, she has a brother and a sister, and they don't flip out in this same way. Also, she still brings up those wrecks to her and gets on her for it, all of these years later, constantly ribbing her about how bad her driving is, to the point it makes her mother angry at her--and this is the thing, her mother is actually a very gentle and easy, laid-back person, a very nice person indeed, she really is--and yet her daughter (my wife) ribbing her about that will get her so angry so fast. I have said to my wife on those occasions "that was 20 or more years ago, why are you still getting on her about it after all of this time? How would you like someone bringing up every mistake you've made over 20 years after you made it?"

My thing is, too, in recent years, I've become to where I really need driving to be "smooth." It's to the point I can't even stand bumps on the roads. I have said that I want the driving experience to be like you're in a Lincoln Town Car with an air suspension and the road was paved a week ago, ALL THE TIME. That expectation, I think, comes on account of us having previously lived at a place that had a very awfully bumpy driveway, it was in such poor shape her brother once got his truck stuck just trying to come up to our house. Day after day, I had to live with that, and I so tired of it that I now can't take any bumps at all, ever. I even avoid driving on roads altogether if they're too bumpy, that means that, say, I avoid driving through the downtown area on our commute even if it's shorter, because the roads are bumpy--yet she'll insist on driving on them anyway knowing this, and it only saves about half a mile on the trip. She is obsessed with saving that half a mile on the commute, and only stopped doing this--again--after one day I SCREAMED at her to stop it, to PLEASE respect that the bumps bother me and that after all it's only half a mile, it's not like I'm asking you to drive 20 miles out of the way. Every time I NICELY asked her to avoid the area, it was met with a huff and a groan, many times with her going that route anyway.

That experience, living at that place, seemingly changed me for good, permanently.

Originally Posted by Billy_J

{snip}
What you can do is drive the car from now on - or refuse to go. Also perhaps you can drive one car and she can drive a separate car - then end of problem! Throw that idea out in counseling as well. Best to discuss various options, then you both decide which is the best. (Or at least that is what other people would do.)

Another thing which may help would be to "plan ahead". Get the directions on the cell phone BEFORE getting into the car. Refuse to get into the car until those directions are displayed on the phone. (I print out a map/directions before going somewhere new.)

I don't like the idea of HAVING to do the directions prior, I tend to want to be of the mentality of "just get over it," but if it helps that much, I guess I should be open to it.

As for me driving--again, that will work ONLY if she agrees to keep quiet unless, say, she is suggesting a stop or informing me that I missed the turn, and in the case of the latter doing so CALMLY, not as if I cut the wrong wire on a bomb and it's about to explode and kill us all. I am fine with making some tweaks, but the overall thing is she just needs to CALM DOWN.

You mentioned refusing to ride with her--that's pretty much what I did yesterday. Once she almost sent my head through the windshield and I got out, it was like I was saying "I'm not riding with you anymore. I've told you a million times to stop it, and this is it for me." Also, I was scared I was going to verbally shred her to bits, just insult her or call her names or tell her how awful she is or such, and people are always telling me "just walk away"--so I did, for that reason as well.

[PJSaturn]

This thread has been cleaned up and inappropriate posts deleted. It will remain closed. To the two people who posted on-topic, thank you.

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