How to get rid of my shyness? (introvert, anxiety, therapy)

[mitopcat]

I hate being as shy as I am. I want to find a way to get out of this little iron bubble I built. I just don't know where to go or what to do, as far as say a class or a group.

I've tried volunteering, to get out of my comfort zone. Instead of saying 'no' to just about everything, I say 'yes'.

I've realized how shy I've become from the last few weeks.
1. A blind date at my parents house; my mom set me up for.
2. Even at my aunt's house with will known family matters; I couldn't involve myself in the games or conversations.

Outside of therapy and $1000's dollars to spend, what can I do to shake this anxiety and shyness?

Also, does the opposite gender, while as friends or in a long term relationship, help a person become more outgoing? My answer is yes; however, my research isn't based on any large set of numbers. It's just my findings are telling this is true.

[Bayarea4]

You can't get rid of it as if shyness were a disease. It's not a disease, it's the way your brain is wired. The best thing you can do is to learn to love yourself as you are and accept that you are always going to be shy, and that's OK. A lot more people than you think struggle with shyness every day. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that social situations are more of a challenge for you.

What I do to cope is a form of behavior modification. I picture of the most outgoing, confident people I know. My friend Beth, for example, a super introvert who has a million friends. I imagine that I'm Beth and then try to behave more as I think she would. I'll take a deep breath, smile and pretend to be delighted to meet you even if I'm scared stiff. Or else I pretend that I'm an actress and that I'm in a play. Then I act like a sociable, outgoing, fun character. I know it's not the real me, but doing this helps grease the wheels and get me get over the initial hump. After a few minutes, guess what? I don't feel as shy any more.

The other thing that helps is to focus on the other person and not on yourself. Remember that other people are mainly interested in themselves, not you. Try to find out as much as you can about the person you are talking to. Ask a few general questions and you'll find that other people enjoy nothing so much as talking about themselves. Letting the other person talk takes the pressure off you, and if you show a genuine interest in what the person says (and reciprocate by revealing a little bit about yourself, too), you'll find that others will see you as a very charming fellow.

[hellomoon]

Hhmmm it sounds you have anxiety not shyness? Is this correct?? Anxiety is a terrible thing and you can get help with therapy or medication? I am shy but I get over it. When shyness becomes a problem in your life, career, romance etc it is probably anxiety or social anxiety. Take care of yourself!

[wall st kid]

Some people who have fears of flying or fears of heights, jump out of planes w parachutes or go bunge jumping. You need to figure out the equivalent of a "bunge jump" for shyness and dive right in.

I think your shyness probably started a long time ago when you had a situation where being outgoing ended up where you were embarrassed for some reason and you just shut down after that, maybe someone laughed at you, made fun of the way you looked or something like that, you need to try and dig down in your mind and remember that moment and address it.

Always ask yourself "what's the worst thing that can happen"?

[49ersfan27]

I don't think you can. It's part of your personality.

[Europeanflava]

1. Get out more and meet people

2. Attend events like church regularly

3. Know that your just as good as the next man/woman and don't let anyone intimidate you and make you feel as if you ain't.

Also, are you a man or woman? If your a man you're gonna want to stop your shyness. It'll only slow you down.

[Vectoris]

Shyness can be a curse but you can "grow" out of it for the most part. I used to be so shy that even ordering a meal at a table with people I knew, caused me to get flustered, red faced and trembling.

As you go through life, and new experiences, you can change that and become much more comfortable with yourself.

1. You probably hate smalltalk. But for shy people, smalltalk is an amazing way of interacting with complete strangers, whether in a grocery store line-up or at the gym. Force yourself to say little things to people you face every day. To the cashier at the checkout, "Oh, it seems so busy/quiet in here today." To the barista at the coffee shop "I don't know how you keep track of everything - I'd be fired on the first day..."

2. In an unfamiliar setting (party, first day on a course) look for people who seem to be more inhibited than you, and try to make them feel more comfortable. When we're shy, we tend to focus on ourselves too much - how do I look, is my hair ok, does my mouth look weird when I talk, how does my voice sound, what am I going to say... so much that we stop thinking about the people we're talking with and whether they're feeling ok or not. So when you're trying to involve yourself in those conversations at a family member's house, instead of sitting there thinking, "Oh man, I'd like to say something but everyone's going to turn and look at me and then I'm going to get nervous and screw it up...." as your heart is pounding, try to think about the people in the group.. and get genuinely interested in what they're saying. Remark on stuff. "Oh I didn't know you played tennis. How long for?" or "You used to live on the west side? How did you like it?" If you're sincerely curious about their lives, you'll find it effortless eventually, to ask questions. And people love talking about themselves. As someone above here said, it takes the pressure off when can sit there and tell you their life story.

3. Talking to groups of people - start with small groups, 2 or 3, then keep it up, so that you can talk to 5 or 5 people effortlessly. If you have to do some public speaking, make sure you know your material inside out and focus on why you're there - to disperse information. No-one is wondering why your tie isn't the right length.

4. Stop labelling yourself as a shy person. Just work on being less inhibited and more relaxed. Remember it's not all about you, and make a real effort to put others at ease around you.

[Cida]

There's only one way to be free of shyness - to work your way through it.

1. Realize that everyone is shy or timid about certain things. And, my goodness, a blind date is uncomfortable for many people, for instance.

2. Realize that nothing bad is going to happen. If you say something silly in the conversation, so that people laugh, just laugh along with them, saying, "I can't believe I said that." Why didn't you jump into the family conversation - what's the worst that could have happened?

3. Great that you're working to get out of your comfort zone. Keep doing that.

4. Try to find some group that does something you're already interested in - join a book club, help out at an animal shelter, volunteer to stuff envelopes for a political candidate. Or, sure, take a class in something you'd like to learn about, whatever that may be. You'll meet people, and you'll already have a topic of conversation.

And of course, when you meet someone formally, you force yourself to look in the person's eye and say "How do you do?" as you shake his hand.

Good luck!

[ciceropolo]

I would recommend joining a toastmasters group. It is usually recommended for those with fear of public speaking or who want to practice public speaking. I think it would work well for you in that the environment is generally very positive since everyone's there for a purpose and it let's a 'shy' person be in a non overtly judgmental environment that requires participation that can let you gain confidence.

I think transferring gained confidence in one arena to others will help relieve the anxiety. Shyness may still be a 'perceived trait' based on other behavior : reluctance to initiate, remaining cloistered or removed from a larger group etc.

Another recommendation would be to take intro interpersonal communication class (or perhaps ask a professor to audit a few classes under the auspices of your having an interest in improving communication) at a local college / university. These types of classes will have break out sessions were you practice analyzing and learning communication techniques / styles etc... again there should be no pressure in this type of environment.

Something else would be to become an expert in some realm of hobby / interest. Some of the most interesting people I've ever met were seemingly 'shy' but once their 'interest' was broached they opened up and were in their element.

Learning to speak extemporaneously or simply filing a few stories / topics away in your personal cognitive inventory can be a big help so when you are in one of those anxious situations you can at least have past experiences from which to draw from rather than recoiling or feeling unable to engage others.

Best of luck in your efforts!

[PDD]

Gin and tonic works pretty good.