How to cope with living somewhere you hate? (emotion, dating, husband)
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I have hated my living situation for last 4+ years. It’s not the city, I love my city and job and friends but I hated being so close to in-laws. Even thought I hated it, I did it for my husband because he genuinely wanted to be there. I have made disliking my living situation for so long that it has become my identity and I feel bit lost now that husband is finally opening up to the concept of moving Buit away. Part of me is scared because so far this was the only problem in our marriage & I knew how to live with This unhappiness. What if other things surface when we are away from family distractions.
So I am dragging my feet and so is he because he is doing it for me. I know it’s time to move on and grow as couple and focus on us but I am scared of the unknown & I am scared of the other side not being green enough.
Been living in a city I don't like for the past 30 years, mainly because I love my job and half of my family is here. The city itself has some good points, but overall I've never cared for it [lots of people who look down on others, weather can be horrible (winters can go down to -30-something Celcius with winds, summers can get into the +30s C with massive humidity)], and I don't drive. The city isn't very well set up for transit users (the bus system here absolutely sucks...last year it used to take me almost an hour and a half to get to or from work (a 15-20 minute commute by car); this year, under two hours by bus is rare. So many evenings I've been almost in tears, freezing, hoping that my second bus (scheduled for every 15 min) would appear, but a wait time of over an hour is becoming more and more usual. And it's not a very pet-friendly city at all.
Overall, if I could move somewhere nicer I would, but my job pays well - far better than any I've ever had, and I love it - and I have a house here. So I put up with the things that annoy me as best I can and have learned to appreciate all of the little things (e.g., I have a wonderful, quiet backyard that provides solitude on my days off, and it entertains my dog to no end whenever his arch-enemy, The Squirrel, shows up).
I can sympathize. I've spent the last four years trying to find friends and friendly acquaintances in a small, retirement-aged Canadian town. The mentality is the same as OKC. I would go so far as to say that people here are actually hostile to newcomers, and are cold and very snobby.
I've tried multiple volunteer roles, Meetups (including organizing my own), attending local and regional events, exercise classes, joining clubs, attending church, and taking out-of-town trips. People here are NIMBYs for the most part. The town culture is dominated by affluent, materialistic, bored retirees who complain about people picking wildflowers and overhearing conversations when they take walks (both real examples) just for something to do. Many of them dislike young people. I've had many people be downright rude to me here, and many more are simply cold and indifferent. I always approach people with a smile and am friendly. They don't know me personally, so it's not like it's a difference in values (although that exists too).
The few young people in this area are either settled with young children or scraping by trying to make a living in an expensive housing area, so they are not really on the social scene. I can't tell you the number of times I've hopefully gone to an event, volunteering, or a local hobby club and been the only one there under age 60. There is an underground youth rave scene here, but unless you know people on the inside, good luck connecting with them.
So I do completely understand the depression and the thoughts of having wasted years of your life. I also agree that it's extremely hard to move. I haven't yet because I work in a small niche industry where it's very difficult to find a job, and I have a stable job that I need right now. As soon as I'm financially secure and have enough saved, I'm going back to school for a more in-demand (and better-paid) career so that I can live anywhere I want. This process will take a while, and it's challenging and lonely to stay here for the time being.
One thing that's helped me is maintaining contact with my old friends who live elsewhere. Staying in touch by phone and messaging feels amazing. You can bask in the warm glow of mutual respect and understanding and support each other through the crappier challenges in both your lives. It will boost your mood. This takes a while to establish, but it works really well.
Also, your car really sounds like it's holding you back. All cars depreciate, but selling it will remove the burden of the car payment, which matters here way more than what money you get from the sale. Look up Dave Ramsey's podcast or YouTube videos and see what he says about car payments. Also, look up the sunk cost fallacy.
If the car is the only thing holding you back, sell it and start saving. Then eventually you can move to a city you like. I know this is challenging to hear, but your car is not serving you. It's hurting you. Buy a cheap one. It will be just as reliable. (I've only ever had cheap cars with no payments. They work just as well).
Working is also a great distraction from your loneliness. Get a second job to help you save for your eventual move. It will put you in contact with new people and give you something to do in your free time. If you save the money from this second job to pay for your move, then you'll also be taking action to change your situation, which will give you a greater sense of control over your life. I do this, and it has the added benefit of making me exercise, which is good for my mental health.
Finally, you are not alone. There are many of us in your situation, and we all have to form an escape plan and to endure in the interim. Best of luck with all your circumstances. I hope you find strength and friendship in the future.
Wow. This thread is four years old, yet could have been written last week. OP is still writing threads on the very predicament expressed here four years ago. Yeesh.
Wow. This thread is four years old, yet could have been written last week. OP is still writing threads on the very predicament expressed here four years ago. Yeesh.
I dug myself into a deep, deep hole that cost me years of my life. There are no words to express how much this has sucked. I'm about to be 34 and unless something unexpected happens that prevents it, I will be finally moving in a couple of months. I wish I could have moved at 29, when I originally posted this thread.
I could have moved sooner but it would have required wrecking my credit with an auto repossession. I did the responsible thing though and paid the car off. Not sure if a repossession would have been a better alternative to these wasted years.
While we're very different people, I totally understand where the OP is coming from and why he's felt this way for years. I live in the same city and feel the same way. I've been trying to get out of here since 2016, and that hasn't been successful. Kudos to him for coming up with a plan and getting the heck out. I also have a plan, but it involves having a job offer already, which isn't easy to do long distance. He's taking the risk I took in my late 20's (moving with no job), with an even stronger job market. It will pay off for him.
Dear OP,
It's 2020. I made a similar mistake 5 years ago and lived in 2 places I hate. I still live in a place I vowed I'd never move to. You said something in a post up above.. "Right now, I am right where they want me" about your parents. Man, I could have written this myself about my situation because that's exactly where it sums up. My parents were abusive and controlling when I was growing up. This has affected me in my adulthood. I view living where I am now as "they won" even though I'm older than you.
One day, I decided to take the first step in breaking this nasty relationship up. I thought I'd never have the courage to do it but I did. I simply walked away from them and cut them out of my life. I feel so much better and they no longer have control over me. It took almost 40 damn years but I did it. You can totally cut your parents out of your life. The rest will fall into place.
Why am I still somewhere I hate? Because of my spouse. His job. He loves his job and it comes first before me. But that's another challenge I need to confront.
Moving is hard. However, when I was 30, I moved to a place I loved so much. Moving away at 35 was the dumbest decision and many years later, that decision landed me where I am today. However, you can do it. You probably paid your car off. (I did too before I moved to the city I loved.)
Start getting your ducks in a row to move! Cut your parents out of your life. Being related to someone by blood gives them no right over you.
I dug myself into a deep, deep hole that cost me years of my life. There are no words to express how much this has sucked. I'm about to be 34 and unless something unexpected happens that prevents it, I will be finally moving in a couple of months. I wish I could have moved at 29, when I originally posted this thread.
I could have moved sooner but it would have required wrecking my credit with an auto repossession. I did the responsible thing though and paid the car off. Not sure if a repossession would have been a better alternative to these wasted years.
Hope you make the move. Inertia may not be the strongest force in the universe (I avoided physics whenever possible and quickly forgot whatever it was they were trying to teach me), but if you're the unmoved object, it's a female dog.
So...what to learn from these last 4-5 years? Here's a suggestion-- look back, dispassionately and non-judgmentally, for those times when a door might have been open but you either didn't notice it or for whatever reason, didn't act on it. Lesson? ask yourself what was the opportunity cost of your intertia (or fear, or both). Not choosing is a choice. Click this link and ask yourself how well it fits your behavior over this time. I know it fit mine.
I haven't read through the thread and was surprised to see that you started it five years ago...but there was a constant between that first msg and this last one-- fear of car repossession. To which my only comment is...REALLY? Second job. Side hustle. Savesavesave money. Hunt/network for a better job.
But since this is a psych board, I'll also share what my psychiatrist told me 40 years ago (when I was 28)- "put ze vhip down!" Yup, Viennese, just like Freud and Jung (I think Jung, not sure). Translated into English, she was telling me to put the whip down. Stop beating myself. Outsource it to a hottie in thigh-high boots and a patent leather leotard....
er, no, she didn't say that, nor was she trying to sell me on her side hustle.
But seriously, you've got prepaid tuition for the life skills course I suspect you've not taken. Your choice whether you learn from it or not.
Money being the driver of society will always be a factor in moving away from a bad situation. But then there are politics ie family politics and/or legal considerations-not just marriage but I've seen battles over estates for example and people who can't stand each other have to spend together. I've seen women stand by their man even though he treats them like poop and even came back after they packed up and left because their boyfriend came into some money.
These people don't do squat together but they know they have to tolerate each other and one person individual frequently lets their canned restraint out to the point if in public they'd be in handcuffs and/or court. Sooner or later someone has to leave or radically change. Sometimes enduring makes matters worse.
If you can financially leave I wouldn't think twice about it. Reconsider what you think you need or want from them. Even if you don't want to give butt holes the satisfaction do it. Sooner or later your or their resentment and restraint will give way. Sometimes daily which leads to abuse.
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