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Thank you everybody, I do appreciate it. I have tried some mediation, mostly the kind that occurs at the end of yoga, but also some Buddhist mediation, but always found it hard to stick with. I need better focus and discipline.
Somehow I was hoping there would be some kind of guided mediation tapes, CDs, or videos that someone might suggest.
I think this day is the hardest, because it is the day that most people, and the media, say we are to honor this parent, but mine was an abuser and I don't want her voice in my head.
Perhaps you need a mentor or a role model. Maybe you could volunteer at a senior center and find some sweet older lady who gives good personal advice. Then spend a couple of years with her (visit once a week), maybe help her around the house in return. Some of these people are lonely and just like to chat.
Anyway after knowing the older woman for a couple of years - when a situation comes up to where that "voice in the back of your head" starts giving you advice... Just do a little mind trick and think about what advice the older woman would give - say to yourself - that is my REAL mom!
Over several years, the new good advice will overwrite the bad advice.
Thank you everybody, I do appreciate it. I have tried some mediation, mostly the kind that occurs at the end of yoga, but also some Buddhist mediation, but always found it hard to stick with. I need better focus and discipline.
Somehow I was hoping there would be some kind of guided mediation tapes, CDs, or videos that someone might suggest.
I think this day is the hardest, because it is the day that most people, and the media, say we are to honor this parent, but mine was an abuser and I don't want her voice in my head.
I had a very dysfunctional childhood largely due to my mother whom I know realized showed all the traits of a sociopath or a narcissist or both. Once she told me that people would hate me if they knew what I was REALLY like, and she let me know in both small ways and large that I had ruined her life just because I was born. I could go on, but long story short, she was extremely emotionally cruel. I actually wish she had abused me physically instead, because I would have understood much sooner that the problem was with her - not me.
Needless to say, I have self esteem problems to this very day, and I often discover that's it's my mother's voice which I have internalized when I start sending myself all those negative messages. That woman can still control me from the grave. I have worked on Buddhist philosophy and meditation, and it does help me, but the change won't happen over night. Keep on with your meditation and don't become discouraged. That old trick of wearing a rubber band on your wrist and giving it a good snap when you find yourself listening to that negative inner voice can actually help. When you become aware that you have fallen into your usual destructive thought patterns, deliberately counter them in your mind. If your internalized voice of your old abuser is telling you that you're worthless and nothing that you do will ever work, counter by thinking "I am as good a person as anyone else. I've survived a difficult childhood that might have sent someone else to the looney bin. My abuser's words were about her own loathing and self hatred and have nothing to do with the person I am today."
There is one Buddhist meditation technique that I have found very helpful: Sit down in a quiet room and shut off your cell phone. You don't have to sit in a lotus position or something, just in a way that feels relaxed. Mentally lock the door to the room, so that the voice of your abuser cannot enter. Say to yourself, "I am safe here. I am relaxed. I can open the "door" or not whenever I choose." Then do some simple breathing exercises to help you relax and stay in the present. After you have reached a state of relative calm, imagine you hear someone knocking at the door. The person at the door is your very best friend you've ever had or someone you love very much. Naturally, you let them in. Your friend sits down and starts to weep, and tells you his story which is identical to your own. When your friend asks for forgiveness and validation, would you be so hard hearted as to turn your back? Of course not, because you understand all too well what he's been through. Look into your heart and find the forgiveness and love that is always there even if you can't always feel it due to your negative thoughts. Forgive your friend. Wish for his future happiness and serenity. Then wish those things for yourself. Do this meditation a couple of times a week, and see if after a month or two your negative thoughts start to decrease a little.
I found the book, A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield to be very helpful in shutting out my mother's negative voice. You might want to give it a read.
All the best from one survivor to another -
Colorado Rambler
Thank you everybody, I do appreciate it. I have tried some mediation, mostly the kind that occurs at the end of yoga, but also some Buddhist mediation, but always found it hard to stick with. I need better focus and discipline.
Somehow I was hoping there would be some kind of guided mediation tapes, CDs, or videos that someone might suggest.
I think this day is the hardest, because it is the day that most people, and the media, say we are to honor this parent, but mine was an abuser and I don't want her voice in my head.
The thing about meditation is that as long as you're doing it, you're doing it right. There are lots and lots of books, CD's and tapes out there for beginning meditation. I suggest you just pick one and try to do 5-10 minutes a day. Keep it short and simple and don't berate yourself, even if you just sit there for 10 minutes and find your mind wandering to every conceivable subject. Just steer yourself gently back.
Write things down the good things that you know to be true about yourself and situations. When the voice starts in your head, get your list out and read it.
Keep a praise journal. Every time you do something good that you're proud of, write it down. When you're having a crappy day, get it out and review it.
Try not to let these Hallmark holidays get you down. The whole point of most holidays is to sell stuff.
Well, since you already don't respect the person who originated the little voice, that should be enough to not have to listen to it. Kinda like when you go to a tin foil hat website, you're not gonna actually pay too much credence to the validity of the data presented. Since you know the advice in your head is from a suspected source, right there you should know to discount it's validity. Next time you hear that little voice, just kinda insert your own commentary next to it. "Yeah, that's what YOU say, but now let's go think up some good advice instead".
Do the right thing once and then you'll have more confidence the next time. Do it twice and you're about half way there. Three or more times and it might become a habit. So, listen for your own voice in your head and if you can't find it right away, then make it up yourself and you should get the same good advice. Here's two "rules" to start out with:
1. Do the right thing
2. Choose happiness whenever possible.
Oh, sorry, I wasn't clear. Repetitions of actively working to replace the thoughts that aren't serving you well with thoughts that will serve you better.
Example:
Original thought: "I'm terrible at math and I'll never be better."
Better thought: "Math is challenging for me but I will get better w/ practice."
Therapy. Sounds like you need help getting over parental stuff. Look for a therapist who does childhood/family issues work.
I would agree with this. Meditation is good, yoga is good, saying groovy positive things to yourself sounds great, but as you know it's just not that easy. If it was you would have already done it.
You might have to try more than one therapist. Some advertise specialties, some are actually good at the work. If it gets uncomfortable, it's working (in my limited experience).
When you become aware that you have fallen into your usual destructive thought patterns, deliberately counter them in your mind. If your internalized voice of your old abuser is telling you that you're worthless and nothing that you do will ever work, counter by thinking "I am as good a person as anyone else. I've survived a difficult childhood that might have sent someone else to the looney bin. My abuser's words were about her own loathing and self hatred and have nothing to do with the person I am today."
There is one Buddhist meditation technique that I have found very helpful: Sit down in a quiet room and shut off your cell phone. You don't have to sit in a lotus position or something, just in a way that feels relaxed. Mentally lock the door to the room, so that the voice of your abuser cannot enter. Say to yourself, "I am safe here. I am relaxed. I can open the "door" or not whenever I choose." Then do some simple breathing exercises to help you relax and stay in the present. After you have reached a state of relative calm, imagine you hear someone knocking at the door. The person at the door is your very best friend you've ever had or someone you love very much. Naturally, you let them in. Your friend sits down and starts to weep, and tells you his story which is identical to your own. When your friend asks for forgiveness and validation, would you be so hard hearted as to turn your back? Of course not, because you understand all too well what he's been through. Look into your heart and find the forgiveness and love that is always there even if you can't always feel it due to your negative thoughts. Forgive your friend. Wish for his future happiness and serenity. Then wish those things for yourself. Do this meditation a couple of times a week, and see if after a month or two your negative thoughts start to decrease a little.
I found the book, A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield to be very helpful in shutting out my mother's negative voice. You might want to give it a read.
All the best from one survivor to another -
Colorado Rambler
Yes! All of this!
You can find some helpful videos on YOUTUBE also. You may have to sort through a few stinkers to get to some that you'll like/find helpful.
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